I Got Alot Of Problems With You People

Picking the NCAA Tournament

2010-03-16T18:57:00.003-04:00

What an impossible year to pick the NCAAs. I can’t remember a year with so many schizophrenic teams. Georgetown could win every game or lose the first one. Michigan State has top 5 talent and maybe the best tournament coach, but has been brutal lately. Kentucky is talented as hell, but depends on a bunch of freshman. It is even further complimented by the ton of double champions (meaning they won the regular season and conference tournaments) in the smaller leagues. This means some teams that would usually be 11s or 12s are pushed back a line or two. Pretty much all the 13s can play, which isn’t always the case. Regardless, I am going to try this again, hopefully with better results than last year. I am providing a pick for every game plus Pomeroy’s predicted scores for Round 1. As an added bonus, I have yet to fill out a bracket yet, so this is my first shot. Should go well.

FIRST ROUND

MIDWEST REGION

Kansas v. Lehigh
Pomeroy: KU 90-63

If Lehigh was still the Engineers, they would have a better chance. I want to start this off with some terrible news and let everyone know that this game is a constant coverage game for CBS in Philly. Meaning that no matter how much Kansas is destroying them, CBS won’t switch away. Fuck.

UNLV v. Northern Iowa
Pomeroy: NIU 58-57

Classic 8/9 toss-up. Both defensive minded teams, so points should be at a premium. The Rebs have better wins and a more experienced coach, so I reluctantly take them.

Michigan State v. New Mexico State
Pomeroy: MSU 83-71

New Mexico State is really overseeded here. I have no idea why they are a 12. They are 222nd in defensive efficiency, which is putrid. Michigan State would have been ripe for a 12/5 upset, but not to a team who doesn’t play any defense.

Maryland v. Houston
Pomeroy: Maryland 90- 76

Houston led the nation in not turning the ball over, which is nice. But they don’t play any defense either. Maryland may hang a hundred points here. Unless Aubrey Coleman scores 50, I can’t see Houston winning this one.

Tennessee v. San Diego State
Pomeroy: Tennessee 65-64

Finally, this tournament gets interesting. The Vols are very good at home, not so much anywhere else. SDSU had the same efficiency margins in conference as New Mexico, who is a 3 seed in this tournament. Bruce Pearl has been a brutal tournament coach; Steve Fisher has been to 3 Final Fours. Granted, it has been awhile, but he hasn’t exactly had a big job lately either. The game is in Providence, which is not ideal for the Aztecs, but isn’t scheduled to start until 10PM so it is a bit of a wash. Gimme SDSU.

Georgetown v. Ohio
Pomeroy: Gtown 78-66

Ohio was the 9 seed in the MAC. Gtown was the 8 seed in the Big East. That doesn’t mean anything, but I found it interesting. Georgetown plays down to opponents, but they won’t in the NCAAs, right? Right?

Oklahoma State v. Georgia Tech
Pomeroy: Tech 72-69

Georgia Tech has two legitimate NBA players in the post with Favors and Lawal. The problem is, their guards forget they are on the court sometime. James Anderson won the Player of the Year in a conference with Kansas and Texas in it and you didn’t hear a single complaint. Should be a close game, but when in doubt take the team with the best guard: Okie State moves on.

Ohio State v. UC Santa Barbara
Pomeroy: OSU 76-58

Welcome to the Dance, Gauchos! Have you met Evan Turner?

WEST REGION

Syracuse v. Vermont
Pomeroy: Cuse 82-65

TJ Sorrentine is not in the parking lot! If you don’t know what I am talking about, YouTube “TJ Sorrentine Syracuse” and enjoy the dulcet tones of a giddy Gus Johnson.

Gonzaga v. Florida State
Pomeroy: FSU 67-63

Florida State leads the country in defensive efficiency. That’s great, but unfortunately they can’t make shots, can’t make free throws and are near the bottom in turnovers. Gonzaga doesn’t force any turnovers, so that could help. I lean Florida State here, but I am not happy about it. I just don’t think much of the ‘Zags.

Butler v. UTEP
Pomeroy: Butler 65-63

This is a brutal matchup for a team that has won 20 straight games. Butler looked uncomfortable with expectations early in the season, but finally settled in and was never really challenged running the table in their conference. Butler struggles with post scorers, and UTEP has one that was a top recruit at one point in Derrick Caracter. I like this spot for the 5/12 upset as the Miners move on.

Vanderbilt v. Murray State
Pomeroy: Vandy 73-70

Murray State was my upset pick before the bracket came out. The Racers can flat out shoot and they play quickly. The problem is the turn the ball over some, but they got a decent matchup here as Vandy doesn’t force many turnovers. If you had any questions about how brutal the top of the middle of this field is, but how talented the 12s and 13s are, here are a 5/12 game and 4/13 that, based on efficiency, are expected to be decided by a combined 5 points. Vandy has been freakishly good in close games, which is sometimes more an indicator of luck than any ability. I hate to set-up a 12/13 second round game, but I am taking Murray State.

Xavier v. Minnesota
Pomeroy: Xavier 74-73

The middle part of this region has serious blowup potential, as this is a classic case of a perennial successful coach meeting a rookie head coach. I like Xavier though. They have been playing well and Jordan Crawford will be the best player on the court.

Pitt v. Oakland
Pomeroy: Pitt 74-62

If a Panther and a Grizzly Bear fought, I assume the bear would win. I’m not sure though, as the panther would have all sorts of agility advantages. These are the kind of things zoos should be putting on. I would pay some serious cash to watch a Panther fight a Grizzly. Not so interested in watching these Panthers beat these Grizzlies, though.

BYU v. Florida
Pomeroy: BYU 78-71

BYU is woefully underseeded. They have lost five games all season, but to just three teams, and all three of those teams were at-larges in this tournament (New Mexico, UNLV and Utah State.) Three of those losses were by 4 points or less. They rebound well, they are the best free throw shooting team in the country and shoot over 40% from threes. Welcome back to the tournament, Billy Donovan. You’ll be back in Gainesville by Thursday night.

Kansas State v. North Texas
Pomeroy: KSU 85-65

The Mean Green will not be in this tournament long. I hate to look ahead, but Pomeroy has BYU 7th and K State 9th overall. That game is going to be a war.

EAST REGION

Kentucky v. East Tennessee State
Pomeroy: Kentucky 77-60

Moving on.

Texas v. Wake Forest
Pomeroy: Texas 77-72

Both these teams have been terrible for a long time. Texas, once number one, is now not ranked. Wake, once looking like the biggest competitor to Duke in the ACC, have lost 5 of 6. Dino Gaudio has never won a post-season tournament game despite wearing white in all of them. Texas I guess. This game blows.

Temple v. Cornell
Pomeroy: 63-58

Temple’s major problem was not being underseeded, as they probably should have been a 4 but there is a minor difference between a 4 and a 5. Temple’s major problem is they are playing an underseeded team that is also the best 3 point shooting team in the country and played Kansas to the wire in Lawrence. The Owls should defend themselves into the next round, though.

Wisconsin v. Wofford
Pomeroy: Wisconsin 63-52

Wofford plays ridiculous defense, and I was ready to pick the Terriers if they had gotten an offense only team. But they did not. They are 19-1 since starting 7-7, but the Badgers should advance here.

Marquette v. Washington
Pomeroy: Marquette 73-72

I have a question. If an A-10 team or C-USA team or some other high mid-major team had won 7 in a row, six away from home, was 24-9 and third in the conference standings before winning the conference tournament, plus had hung with Georgetown and at Texas Tech early in the year when they were still otherwise struggling, wouldn’t they be a HUGE upset pick over an undersized Big East team that manages to win or lose every game by 2-5 points? I think they would be. The Pac-10 sucked this year but it wasn’t the MEAC. I like the Huskies.

New Mexico v. Montana
Pomeroy: NMU 72-65

Let’s talk Lobo. Wins over Cal, Texas A&M, Dayton, UNLV, San Diego St. and twice against BYU. Darington Hobson is good. Very good, even. As is Dariese Gray at the point. Before losing a close one to San Diego St. in the MWC semifinals, they were 9-0 in games decided by five points or less. NINE AND OH. There is a shit ton of luck involved in that. They don’t turn the ball over, which helps in close game, but they don’t shoot free throws well, which doesn’t. They, like Butler, have a lot of trouble guarding big guys, but they got placed in a 4 team pod with no tall guys. They’ll win this game, but they are a shockingly weak three seed. If you are bored, read the life story of Anthony Johnson on Montana. It was already pretty amazing and then he went for 42 in the Big Sky title game.

Clemson v. Missouri
Pomeroy: Clemson 70-69

Oliver Purnell is now 0-6 as a coach in the NCAA tournament. I refuse to pick his team to win a game until they win one. Both these teams play up tempo and press, so it should be interesting anyway.

West Virginia v. Morgan State
Pomeroy: WVU 78-61

West Virginia, despite being 5th on the S curve, is in the 7th hole since they were “rewarded” by getting to stay in the East and playing their regionals in a Big East arena. Judging by Bob Huggins interview with Andy Katz yesterday, he does not feel rewarded. Todd Bozeman coaches Morgan State and has some serious Bruce Pearl potential as a formerly disgraced coach who becomes a media darling.

SOUTH REGION

Duke v. Winthrop/Arkansas Pine-Bluff
Pomeroy: Winthrop over APB 57-55

Winthrop robbed this tournament of the Coastal Carolina Chancitillers and their big blue chicken mascot. For this I hate them. Pine Bluff started the season 0-11. All 11 were road games, 8 against BCS schools and 5 against tournament teams. They fought back to be double champion of their conference and get rewarded by being sent to the play in game. Thank God Minnesota is in this tournament! God forbid those kids from APB get to experience the actual tournament!

California v. Louisville
Pomeroy: Cal 78-75

This should be a fun game. Both teams have a lot of talent and after disappointingly slow starts, played better down the stretch. A lot of those early Cal losses were without Jerome Randle, and they scored at a shocking pace in the Pac 10. Edgar Sosa will decide this game. He could be great or he could be terrible and he could be both in the same half. I think he plays well as a senior and the Cardinals advance.

Texas A&M v. Utah State
Pomeroy: Utah St. 73-72

Innnnnteresting Pomeroy results. Last year his system picked 12 Wisconsin over 5 Florida State and it was right. Pomeroy is extremely useful for what it is; efficiency ratings only adjusted for schedule strength. It is sometimes worth looking into deeper. Pomeroy actually likes A&M, having them at 23, which is right about where they are seeded. He just happens to REALLY like Utah St., having them at 20. So let’s look at the Aggies from Utah. They beat BYU by ten, just one of two occurrences of the Cougars losing comfortably all season. They won 16 in a row before losing the WAC title game, but most of that was against inferior competition. They shoot the hell out of the ball though. Over 40% from three, over 52% from two and over 76% from the line. That’s insanely good and primarily why Pomeroy loves them. They also turn the ball over on only 16% of their possessions, which is the 13th best rate in the nation. So in a game that is basically a toss-up, I take the best player. Donald Sloan, come on down! But if you aren’t thrilled with any of the other 12 over 5s, you could do a lot worse than taking Utah State here.

Purdue v. Siena
Pomeroy: Purdue 71-65, but doesn’t mean much without Hummel.

I want to pick Siena without thinking, and that is the popular pick for good reason. Siena has won tournament games the last two years, once as a 13 seed. Purdue scored 11(ELEVEN?!?) first half points against Minnesota in the Big Ten Tournament. But if E’Twaun Moore and JaJuan Johnson haven’t completely lost hope, Purdue is still the better team. Siena played the MAAC tourney at home and was losing at half of all three games. Its certainly possible they were just bored, but it isn’t exactly inspiring confidence. Picking Purdue here is probably the upset pick. I am going to bet this trip to Spokane breaks whatever spirit the Boilers have left and Siena wins. But meh.

Notre Dame v. Old Dominion
Pomeroy: ODU 65-64

This is a another slightly misleading Pomeroy score, since Notre Dame played a completely different style in their first 25 games as they did in the last 10. What isn’t misleading is that ODU can really play and may be a bit underseeded. This is a game that will be close and played in the 50s. ODU is kind of a brutal shooting team though, so I give the edge to the Irish.

Baylor v. Sam Houston State
Pomeroy: Baylor 82-69

Baylor is a chic Final Four pick, and for good reason. They have guards, they have bigs and they have two legit NBA players. SHSU spells Bearcats with a k. Bearkats. They can’t win with a mascot like that.

Richmond v. St. Mary’s
Pomeroy: St. Mary’s 68-67

Interesting game. Both pass the eye test better than the numbers test, despite both having effectively jobbed the RPI system as all mid-majors were taught to do by the MVC in 2006. Richmond will depend on their guards and system, as Coach Chris Mooney comes from the Princeton school. St. Mary’s will throw it to Omar Samhan who will get like 20-12 in this game. Kevin Anderson is a volume scorer, taking about 30% of Richmond’s shots. Both have a handful of good wins and have proven that they can beat good teams. If this game was being played in Dubuque, Iowa I would favor the Gaels, but it’s in Providence at 3 in the afternoon, or about noon in the heads of the St. Mary’s players. Richmond in a good one.

Villanova v. Robert Morris
Pomeroy: Nova 86-67

I used the financier of the Revolution tidbit last year and that is all I got. I hope we win!

We are at the halfway point and this is already 2500 words. Eat your heart out, Bill Simmons.

SECOND ROUND

Midwest Region

Kansas v. UNLV

I am trying to come up with a way UNLV can win this game. Rampant food poisoning for the Kansas traveling party is all I got. And even then I am not sure Kansas wouldn’t win.

Michigan State v. Maryland

This game is being playing in Spokane so there is no crowd factor. Michigan State has better players but have slept walked through the end of the season. Both coaches have a national title. Izzo has been much more consistently successful in March, obviously. The Spartans turn the ball over a ton, but should get a lot of offensive rebounds in this game. This is a toss-up for me. Vasquez is the best player, give me the Terps.

Georgetown v. San Diego State

Tennessee beat the Hoyas last year, so I think Georgetown would crush them. This is a dangerous game for a team who plays too much to the other team’s reputation and ranking, but I think they will be okay. Picking Georgetown to win games this year is like picking Wake Forest last year. It makes me very uneasy.

Ohio State v. Oklahoma State

Loser has to drop the OSU moniker. Sorry, Cowboys. I had some concerns about Ohio St. in a tournament setting since they only play six guys, but they put that to rest winning the Big Ten Tournament. Oklahoma State can really shoot it and they almost shot Pitt out of the tourney in the second round, but that is their only hope.

WEST REGION

Syracuse v. Florida State

With or without Onuaku, Syracuse should be okay here. Florida State really struggles to score and Syracuse doesn’t, no matter who they are playing. Gonzaga would be a bit more dangerous here for the Orange since they could theoretically score with them, but they should still be fine.

UTEP v. Murray State

Syracuse, much like UConn last year, is going to have a real walk to the Elite Eight. UTEP will be too strong defensively in the paint for Murray St. Prepare for a week of Derrick Caracter career resurrection stories if the Miners make the second weekend.

Xavier v. Pitt

Milwaukee should provide a pretty neutral site for this one. Xavier does a really good job of speeding you up and scoring. Pitt does a really good job of slowing you down keeping you from scoring. Classic clash of styles and since both are guard oriented, I would take Pitt here since the chances Xavier loses in the first round are much higher. A bit of a cop-out, but the middle of this bracket is so….average.

Kansas State v. BYU

This should be great. Such different teams that are very, very good at what they do. Kansas State is ugly basketball made beautiful. K-State fouls and gets fouled at an appalling rate. They are mediocre at best shooting from the floor and aren’t even that from that line. They rebound 40% of their own misses though, which is top 5 in the country. They play great defense. They bring the game to you. BYU plays pretty basketball. They shoot incredibly well. They run a great offense. They are the best free throw shooting team in the country, which is huge here. They don’t turn the ball over, which is also pretty damned helpful. Oklahoma City should provide a decent advantage for the Wildcats, but those Mormons travel like motherfuckers. Either coach or team has a great track record of tournament success. Give me the team that can shoot.

EAST REGION

Kentucky v. Texas

Texas has the talent to compete with Kentucky, so I wouldn’t be surprised to see this game be close at the half. Kentucky should wear them down and out by the end though. John Wall will abuse whoever is playing point guard for Texas so badly it will be tough on the kid’s family.

Temple v. Wisconsin

If you like games in the 40s played in front of a crowd that will be less than rabid, than this is the game is for you. Both these teams will defend hard and well. Neither has showed much proclivity for beating good teams outside their own gyms. Should be a fun last five minutes, with the Badgers eeking one out. Temple got a pretty brutal draw.

Washington v. New Mexico
This game has no juice. No historically great programs. No team with a real chance at a title. No household names on either side. It is being played in San Jose, which is even pretty boring. As mentioned above, New Mexico got a pretty sweet draw and it will carry them to the round of 16.

Missouri v. West Virginia

You just get the feeling that if anyone is going to put a fire under his team’s ass because of a pseudo-snub, it’ll be Bob Huggins. It helps his team is really good.

SOUTH REGION

Duke v. Louisville

This is not a fun game for Duke, at all. Louisville is athletic on the perimeter and Samardo Samuels could have a field day. In years past this would have been a loss for the Devils, but this is the best Duke team in a while. Despite still being a stiff, Zoubek actually serves a valuable purpose this year as he rebounds a higher percentage of his teams misses while he is on the floor than anyone else in the country. The problem is, he has to be on the floor for this to happen. That would lead a lot to the Plumlees guarding Samuels to keep Zoubek low on fouls, which won’t end well. If I could be promised a good performance from Sosa, I would gladly take the Cardinals.. But Duke is better and more consistent on the perimeter, which should carry them through.

Texas A&M v. Siena

Should be competitive, but the Aggies are too quick for Siena. The athleticism edge here is pretty big.

Baylor v. Notre Dame

There is a pretty big athleticism edge for the Big 12 team here as well. Notre Dame has obviously played well as of late, but Baylor can score and they defend the paint vigorously. No player or coach on Baylor has ever won a tournament game. Hell, the program hasn’t won a tournament game in most people’s lifetimes. That scares me, but Baylor should be okay.

Richmond v. Villanova

This is already being talked about as a popular weekend upset. Defending the Princeton offense takes patience and strong defensive fundamentals. Not exactly Villanova’s strong suit. However, Richmond isn’t the kind of team that draws a lot of fouls which helps the Cats. Richmond has no Greg Monroe in the back, meaning that like most teams that run the Princeton system they get killed on the glass. This is made more significant because Villanova rebounds better than you think. Both teams are guard oriented, but Villanova shoots the 3 and free throws better. A10 people seem to think this Richmond backcourt is OMGAMAZINNNNG. And Anderson and Gonzalvez are very good. Both could play in the Big East. But, um, no. Nova plays in the best guard league in the country and this isn’t anything they haven’t seen. Villanova is the 11th fastest team in the country while Richmond is the 294th. So just another A10/Big East pace battle, just reversed. The Spiders also have no bench, which is fine when you play at a snail’s pace but not so great when you have to sprint back on defense. Playing Georgetown twice this year will really help Nova out, methinks. It will be scary, but Reynolds will bail the Cats out in the last four minutes. And if it is St. Mary’s, Nova wins pretty easily.

SWEET 16

MIDWEST REGION

Kansas v. Maryland

I am trying to think of a way that Kansas can lose this game, but all I got is Grevais Vasquez scoring 40 points. Per half. In all seriousness, Maryland defends nowhere near well enough to win this game. Everyone talked about how tough Kansas’ draw is but I think the top of this region is pretty weak. The bottom, on the other hand…

Georgetown v. Ohio State

This should be great. We would now be out of “we should win this game, no effort required” woods for Georgetown, so it is worth mentioning problem number two for the Hoyas: they turn the ball over too much. They give it away slightly more than 20% of possessions on the season. Ohio State forces turnovers at about the same rate. All that was just a fancy way of saying Chris Wright will probably decide this game. You know Evan Turner will be good and Diebler will hit 3s. You know Greg Monroe will be good and Austin Freeman will hit 3s. Both coaches have been to Final Fours. The venue should be neutral. Both teams have national title potential. So what you got Chris Wright? I say not enough. Can’t wait to find out, though.

WEST REGION

Syracuse v. UTEP

UTEP had a pretty solid first weekend draw in which all they had to do was have Randy Culpepper knock down a couple jumpers then throw it to Caracter and get out of the way. That will not work in this game. Syracuse could probably survive through this without Onuaku, but it’s getting hairy.

Pitt v. BYU

Do you know where this game is being played? If not, take a minute to see where the West Regionals are being played. I’ll wait. I know the committee doesn’t project out and BYU could only be in one of two regions due to their inability to play on Sundays, but you better believe Boeheim is rooting against BYU in the first two rounds. Hard. As soon as I saw the bracket, I thought BYU to the 8. Then on Monday, Stewart Mandel of Sports Illustrated picked them to make the Final Four and made my prediction look much less fun.

EAST REGION

Kentucky v. Wisconsin

This will not be fun for Kentucky. They will be guarded everywhere they go for 40 minutes. Cousins might try to bite someone in this game. Wisconsin will slow it down and make Kentucky defend, which John Wall doesn’t really want to do. Every person in the Carrier Dome not from Kentucky will be rooting against them. Kentucky travels better than anybody, but if WVU is also here they will bring almost as many people. Those people go everywhere. I have been waiting all year to pick Kentucky to lose a Sweet 16 game, but this isn’t it. Temple would cause the exact same problems, by the way, but wouldn’t win this game for the same reason the Badgers won’t. I just don’t think they can score enough. Kentucky is too talented not to get theirs no matter how well you defend. All bets are off if Cousins punches someone, though.

West Virginia v. New Mexico

As far as I can tell, West Virginia has every advantage in this game. Better players. Better coach. Better venue for them. They should win pretty easily.

SOUTH REGION

Duke v. Texas A&M

Let’s say you are Duke. The week before the tournament you had to listen to every expert tell you that you can sleepwalk to the Final Four. You arrive in Houston for the regional and you see two teams from Texas and the team that annihilated you in the tournament last year. I think all the talk about how easy this road is for Duke is a bit much. I think Syracuse and Kansas have pretty easy roads to the quarterfinals and Kentucky has a bigger gripe than Duke. It isn’t terrible or anything, but there is problems here. I digress. Duke is the better team and unless A&M really rides the pro Texas crown they aren’t going to win.

Baylor v. Villanova

Terrible personnel matchup for Villanova. Baylor is the tallest team in the country, but they have guards. Tweety Carter is very good. LaceDarius Dunn is even better and 6’4”. Epke Udoh is an NBA player and 6’10”. Quincy Acy defends the rim well at 6’7”. They rebound well. Their 3 point, 2 point and free throw shooting percentages are all in the top 25 nationally. They block 18% of shots attempted against them, which is 5th nationally. Their only playing flaw is they don’t turn the other team over (as in, at all. 309th nationally in forcing turnovers), which means even though they hold teams to low shooting percentages they give up a decent chunk of points. If this game was being played in Houston in the middle of January, it’s a loss for Villanova unless they shoot the ball extremely well. But it isn’t. It is being played at the end of March and it is impossible to predict how Baylor will handle the media involved and the pressure that will be put on them playing in state. I think Baylor wins this game 6 out of 10, so I advance the Bears.

ELITE EIGHT

MIDWEST REGION

Kansas v. Ohio State

Remember last year when UNC was the favorite to win the title but had a Regional Final against the best player in the game? Sounds familiar, no? The result will be the same. If it is Georgetown and not Ohio State I think it will be a closer game but Kansas should beat either without too much trouble.

WEST REGION

Syracuse v. BYU

This is a BYU home game, which is scary. Obviously, Syracuse is the better team and has more talent. BYU is just an average rebounding team, so if the Orange are fully healthy they should kill them on the glass. I think the zone will wear the Cougars down some. Sorry, Mandel. I’m leaving you alone with the Mormons on the BYU Final Four Train.

EAST REGION

Kentucky v. West Virginia

Border War! I think anyway. I’ve almost written 5k words, I don’t feel like looking at a map. West Virginia starts 4 guys between 6’7 and 6’9. I am not sure how they would stop Cousins, but they rebound so ferociously I think they would be okay. Cousins will get his double-double but they can live with that. I do know, however, they will guard John Wall by sending a never-ending wave of 6’7” athletic wing guys at him. These teams are extremely similar. Kentucky has the better players but they are so achingly young. I hate Calipari, but this is the only team that could hang with Kansas and I kind of want to see that. However, I think this game comes down to which of these average shooting teams shoots better. I’ll take WVU as the team who has a majority of players who have played in that goofy dome. I don’t feel great about it, though.

SOUTH REGION

Duke v. Baylor

I just realized I have all 4 one seeds to the eight and reconsidered. Then I remembered this has happened the last two years, so it isn’t that crazy. I think Duke is going to win this game, but fuck it I am taking Baylor. They are long, they can shoot and they should have a pretty partisan crowd behind them. Even knowing how much better and well rounded Duke is this year, I just do not trust them.

FINAL FOUR

Kansas v. Syracuse

Both Kansas losses this year were to teams that wear Orange. Coincidence? I THINK…yeah, probably. How Kansas attacks the zone should be interesting, and Syracuse is certainly really good. But Kansas has the best players, Kansas has the better offense, and Kansas probably has the better defense when they are properly motivated about it. I think the Final Four will motivate them. Jayhawks move on.

West Virginia v. Baylor

Very similar teams in regards to size and athleticism, but that is about it. Baylor has a better offense while the Mountaineers have the much better defense. The rebounding edge also goes to the Mountaineers. Plus, we aren’t in Texas anymore. Huggins finally gets a team to Monday night. Does he wear a suit for the occasion, or does he stay with the windbreaker?

NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Kansas v. West Virginia

If you have read this far, why? Also, you know I think this is the Jayhawks title to lose. Anything can happen between now and then, mostly because winning six games in a row against increasingly difficult opponents is hard to do. But the last three teams to win all had something in common: they were the best team. Kansas is the best team. They should win. I think Kentucky is the only reasonable choice to beat them, but I just don’t believe in the youth. I know it has happened before with Carmelo and McNamara, but that feels once in a generation to me. Plus that Syracuse team could shoot threes, while this Kentucky team really can’t.

Let’s quickly recap:

Final Four: Kansas/Syracuse, West Virginia/Baylor
Title Game: Kansas over West Virginia
Nova? Out in the Sweet 16.
Best 1st Round games? Tenn/SDSU, But/UTEP, Vandy/Mry St., Tem/Cor, Marq/Wash, TAM/USU, ND/USU
Best Potential 2nd round games? MSU/Mary, X/Pitt, BYU/KSU, Tem/Wis, Duke/Ville, Nova/Richmond

That’s it, I am done. Here is hoping this all goes to hell and the second weekend is Nova, three 9 seeds and 12 double digit seeds.

Whining and Musing

2010-01-05T01:10:00.002-05:00

-If I don't know you or I haven't seen you in awhile, I have long hair. It looks ridiculous. Over the weekend, we played a drinking game that involved taking turns saying what other people have similar hair to mine. My favorite answer was Steve from Full House. Most answers were old hockey players or wrestlers, 80s movie stars and unattractive women.

-We We're Promised Jetpacks!

-I enjoy Scottish indie rock music way more than any person should.

-Listening to 610/97.5 the day after the Eagles get blown out by Dallas is amazing. Some guy went on a five minute tirade today about how Reid and McNabb are an "embarrassment to the city". There is a 97% chance this guy idolizes Buddy Ryan. Such an absurd fanbase. I think it has alot to do with how little Eagles losses bother me these days. Jack, Rush and I basically spent most of the second half Sunday cracking jokes and watching dogs jump into pools on ESPN2.

-You can't tell me watching TV isn't more pleasant without all these Christmas commercials. Unfortunately, only five months until they start again.

-College of Charleston beating North Carolina is just another reason on the long list of reasons college basketball is much better than the NBA. One could argue that college football is better than the NFL if that Boise/TCU game meant something. Boise gets to finish third or fourth! Hooray!

-When does the history channel officially change its name to "2012 Watch". About 75% of their programming is related to the belief that a people who ceased to exist as a civilization 300 years ago have properly assessed that the world is about to self-combust.

-Rudy is currently on. Overrated Notre Dame propaganda.

-I saw the phrases 200hate and 200swine today. That is funny to me.

-Finally, the man stops telling everyone to not do drugs, and just tells us how to do them right. My favorite tip is to prepare your drugs carefully.

-HBO is showing He's Just Not That Into You basically on a loop. I didn't know a movie with so many attractive women trying to get banged could be so awful and uninteresting.

-STEVE HOLT!

-Tucci just woke up, apparently just to lick herself. She then stood up and began circling around the spot she wanted to lay down. Randomly, she stopped, made eye contact with me and took a step forward. She then licked me right across the face. Thanks for that, dog.

-Deadspin recently had a post asking people to list the greatest sports event they attended in the aughts. I could probably write a book on my experiences at Game 5 of the 2008 World Series and the 2009 East Regional Final, probably with some mention to the 2003 NFC Championship Game, and why I cherish one more than the other. Someone get me a book agent.

-That post just led to me staring blankly into space for a good five minutes considering if I should start a blog basically detailing every memorable sports experience I had in the last ten years. It is a pretty extensive and impressive list. I then realized that I would get lazy after the first post and never post again.

-There was a time not too long ago that if an insanely rich heiress to a pharmaceutical fortune mysteriously disappeared and was found dead it would have been shocking. If she was engaged to a bi-sexual woman who had an MTV dating show it would have been even more shocking. In 2010? Seems kind of standard.

-I watched Revolutionary Road on HBO the other day. Still depressed.

-I read Infinite Jest the other month. Still blown away. And confused. Mostly confused. However, I think it says something amazing about such a long book that is so difficult to read that the first things I did after I finished it were a) re-read the first 50 pages then b) spend hours on the interwebz looking for others opinions.

-I listened to the new Vampire Weekend the other month. I like the last 4 tracks. Not sure of the first 6.

-Whenever their is an attractive woman on tv playing poker, my life seems a bit brighter.

-200swine, you will not be missed.

Brett Farve: A Decade Long of Playoff Awfulness

2009-12-22T15:46:00.002-05:00

I like to fancy myself the original East Coast Brett Favre hater. Sure, it is passe to dislike the man now. And the good people of Chicago, Detroit and Minnesota (HA!) have hated him for close to two decades. But while he was being showered with adoration for feats accomplished in the past during late 90s and early 00s, I was despising him. Often vocally. People usually laughed me down or outright ignored me. Now the majority of Americans agree that Wrangler jeans suck and only losers would endorse them. Since I have your attention, I am ready to take this argument to next logical step.

Brett Favre is the biggest big game choke artist of the decade. It really isn't close and I have the evidence to prove it.

Lets recap Brett's playoff games since the turn of the millennium, shall we?

January 13th, 2002: Packers 25, 49ers 15
Favre: 22-29, 259 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT

Favre was still feeling good in his first playoff game of the decade. Good for him. This was back in the days when nobody had ever won a road playoff game at Lambeau, but our buddy Brett would take care of that soon enough. Admittedly a good start for Brett. Give it seven days.

January 20th, 2002: Rams 45, Packers 17
Favre: 26-44, 281 yards, 2 TD, 6 INT

The 2002 Rams went 14-2 and made the Super Bowl. A good team without question. That Rams team, however, was 26th in turnover differential at -10. They gave the ball up much more than they took it away. Enter the gunslinger! In a classic Favre performance, he threw 6 interceptions, THREE OF WHICH WERE RETURNED FOR TOUCHDOWNS. Just massively awful on the level of Jake Delhomme. The first pick 6 set the tone for the game, giving the Rams a 7-0 lead.

January 4th, 2003: Falcons 27, Packers 7
Favre: 20-42, 247, 1 TD, 2 INT

Remember that no visiting team had ever won a playoff game at Lambeau? Ends here, in what was actually a pretty great Brett playoff loss performance. He only threw two picks! Really took care of the ball. This was against a team he lit up for 37 on opening day. Typical Favre: look huge September and small in January. 2 TD and no picks in the opener.

January 4th, 2004: Packers 33, Seahawks 27
Favre: 26-38, 319, 1 TD, 0 INT

In a game most remembered by Matt Hasselback's declaration at the overtime coinflip that "we want the ball and we are going to score", Brett never saw the field in overtime as Hasselbeck proved he learned well from his one time mentor by throwing a horrific overtime pick 6. Farve played well. This was around the time people starting calling the Packers playoff run fate cause Brett's dad died.

January 11th, 2004: Eagles 20, Packers 17
Favre: 15-28, 180, 2 TD, 1 INT

Now, one might look at those numbers and think that Brett played reasonably well. And they would be correct, at least through regulation. For the second consecutive week, the Packers headed to overtime. Unfortunately for Green Bay, this time Brett had to play. After his defense, who are often blamed for this loss due to 4th and 26, forced the Eagles three and out, Brett the great threw a deep ball off his back foot. It looked more like a punt and landed safely in the arms of Brian Dawkins. No Packers were really around the ball. The Eagles won a few plays later.

January 9th, 2005: Vikings 31, Packers 17
Favre: 22-33, 216, 1 TD, 4 INT

All four picks happened while this was still a very competitive game. Typical Favre shitfest. Most memorable for me because this was when Collinsworth laughed it up saying how great Brett was when he illegally threw that underhand flip into the endzone. Penalties at the goal line are so funny! He's having such a good time! Gunslingin' it around! 4 picks in a home playoff game! Highlights with shitty music and graphics here.

January 12th, 2008: Packers 42, Seahawks 20
Favre: 18-23, 173, 3 TD, 0 INT

After three years away, Brett had his finest playoff moment of the decade. Thank God for the Seahawks or this would be a really ugly list for Brett. This set up a home NFC Championship Game in which the Packers would be huge favorites.

January 19th, 2008: Giants 23, Packers 20
Favre: 19-35, 236, 2 TD, 2 INT

This game went into overtime, and in his last game as a Packer at Lambeau he did this. That is Brett's last pass as a Packer at Lambeau field. A horrendous, back breaking playoff interception. So very appropriate. He put up decent numbers, but, as Brett often does, he loses the game for his team.

In total, we have 8 games. 3-5 record in total and 3-3 at home. 1-5 against team not from Seattle. 14 touchdowns against 18 interceptions. 2 interceptions in overtime that led directly to losses. We aren't even mentioning the December 2008 meltdown or the current mess occurring in Minneapolis. Brett Favre: Decade long playoff choke artist.

But he loves the play the game! All those other more successful quarterbacks are mean old football haters.

Christmas Commercial Critique: Kay Jewelers

2009-12-21T15:11:00.002-05:00

I assume that you have already seen this commercial, because despite its absurdity it runs non fucking stop. I have yet to speak with anyone who doesn't think this commercial is ridiculous on every possible level. So let's discuss Kay Jewelers attempt at a Christmas horror story.

See this abomination here.

:00-:05--The setting of the Christmas horror is provided. Deep in the woods a thunderstorm rages through the forest. An especially long and violent clap of thunder leads into the character introductions.

:06-:11--We find the happy couple...watching the thunderstorm through the window? Huh? Why are they doing that? It isn't like it is a snow storm that blankets everything and makes it look nice or something. It is raining outside. Why would you want to watch rain? The female of the couple reacts like someone just got shot at the clap of thunder. If she is this jumpy by the sounds of thunder, why the hell is she standing at a window in the middle of a fucking thunderstorm? Of course, this leads her into the arms of her creepy boyfriend with the even creepier voice who spouts the extremely creepy line "I'm right here...and I always will be". At this point, I assume he is the murderer. He is giving her the $99 piece of Kay jewelry to lull her into a false sense of security. I mean, the guy is standing around watching thunderstorms in a dark forest. He is probably fucked in the head.

:11-:22--We get a voice over telling us the glory of the $79.99 love's embrace collection. It is also at this time when the murdered wraps his victim in some sort of supernatural force field. This is all made more confusing by the victim's appearance of pleasure. We already know she doesn't like the storm. And I doubt it is the cheap mall jewelry store necklace that is bringing her happiness. So what is she happy about? This is a real head scratcher. I got nothing.

:23-:30--The commercial ends with some more creepy dialogue and the ever present this time of year "Every Kiss begins with Kay" tagline. Of course, they are still standing in front of the window where the storm that scared this woman so much is going on. Close the blinds and sit on the couch for fuck's sake.

Jewelry store Christmas commercials are the absolute worst. Unfortunately, they are unavoidable this time of year. If I have to see that damn Jane Seymour open hearts commercial one more time I may manually open my heart with my hand so it will stop.

The most confusing part is that these commercial are presumably focused on men, and every man I know derides and/or hates these commercials. Who do these appeal to? The only people I can think of, especially considering the price point of the product, is teenagers. Fucking teenagers.

Four days until all this bullshit disappears for 9 months!

Christmas Commercial Critique: Mastercard

2009-12-07T20:42:00.002-05:00

Christ, I am lazy. This is such a strong idea and I have nothing but free time, but nothing ever gets done. At minimum, I can promise at least one more of these. If you think that creepy jewelry store commercial in which the couple is in a cabin during a thunderstorm will go without scorn, you are sadly mistaken. That will have to wait however, since today we turn our focus to Mastercard.

The commercial can be seen here.

So let's delve right into this one.

:00-:07. Oh look! It is another Peyton Manning commercial. About time that man gets some publicity. Seriously, isn't the "I am so dumb, look how big of a hick I am" angle Peyton plays in most of these things a bit played out? It is clear the guy is pretty bright. He is basically coaching an undefeated NFL team, he has more money than god and he has managed to be incredibly famous for a decade without any sort of trouble or scandal. I get its supposed to be funny because he is giving his center a football, but I doubt most people get that. I get that the point is he is giving people stupid gifts. But its boring and unfunny. They are just playing the dumb hick angle, and it is no longer new or interesting. You're better than that, Peyton.

:08-:12. Is that...Alyson Hannigan? Huh? Do Manning and Hannigan have any kind of connection? They don't have similar jobs, one is much more famous than the other, they don't appeal to the same group of people and they don't really complement each other in way. If you are trying to appeal to everyone you aren't appealing to anyone. Alyson Hannigan?

:13-:17. Maybe this woman has serious issue with grinding her teeth and the mouth guard is a very thoughtful gift by Peyton. DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT MASTERCARD? He should have done us all a favor and given her a helmet.

:17-:24. Old man humor. Yesssssssss. I wonder how much the ad wizards who came up with this one got paid.

:24-:30. Peyton and Alyson awkwardly stare at each other. It is like they are as equally confused as I am about this pairing. Making it worse, the product they are shilling for is terrible. Of course it has a terrible facebook tie in, but I ignored that and decided I would try to find a gift for my friend Vick. I filled out the questionnaire, saying Vick is the connoisseur. .

Now I have Peyton Manning talking to me. He jokingly suggests a heating pad. What a kidder. The program than suggests I purchase a glass set. Or the complete works of Shakespeare. Hope you aren't reading, buddy!

Christmas Commercial Critique: The Gap

2009-11-13T16:08:00.002-05:00

Today is Friday, November 13th. Christmas commercials have been running steadily for at least a week now. What. The. Fuck. It's still two weeks until Thanksgiving! So I figured I would use this mostly dormant space to combine my distaste of most commercials with my hatred of Christmas into complaining about the vapidity of Christmas commercials.

First a note: that ridiculous jewelry store commercial from last year is back with the guy and the deaf girl. Apparently others found it just as insane I did this guy was going to marry this girl without having any real fucking way to communicate with her. So this year, he just gives her a watch while poorly signing things in her direction. Much better.

So let's start the 2009 Christmas commercial critique season with....THE GAP!!!

Click here to see this monstrosity

Fuck you, High School Musical. At least that is who I am blaming for this infiltration of dancing cheerleaders types who are chant singing things at me. Commercials, tv shows, movies...its everywhere. I don't care if people want to watch these things, but if I have to see or hear one more Glee commercial during a football game on Fox I am going to lose it.

According to the New York Times, this is the first Gap Christmas commercial since 2006. Sometime in the future, when someone is writing about the fall of the American Empire, I hope they fucking mention November 2009 when the American paper of record started reviewing fucking Christmas commercials by a clothing store that aren't about clothing in any way.

So let's break down this atrocious 30 seconds. The first eight seconds contain the "lyrics" 2, 4, 6, 8 'tis the time to liberate! Go Christmas, go Hanukkah, go Kwanzaa, Go Solstice!

If you're like me you were wondering what the hell Solstice is referring to. Some sort of Muslim/Hindi/Buddhist winter holiday? Not that I can find. It seems they a cheering on the coming of winter. WHO THE FUCK CHEERS FOR WINTER?!?! I also enjoy that it begins with a bit of a devious look from the presumed best looking girl in the ad. You know things are about to get serious when she gets that look. Also, the ad wizard that decided to use "'tis" instead of this should be executed. Christ, I hate this time of year. And liberate? Liberate from what? I would like to liberate myself from the planet knowing I am going to see this commercial 5,394,277 times in the next seven weeks.

From 8 to 12 seconds we get Go classic tree, Go plastic tree, Go plant a tree, Go without a tree.

THEY ARE USING THE WORD GO AS A DOUBLE MEANING! HOW CLEVER! First they were rooting on various holidays and seasonal events, now they are listing your options in Christmas trees. Unless you want to plant one. Because planting trees in December is an idea full of win. Of course, this is all happening while they dance around in stylish sweaters that can no doubt be found at the Gap!

Next up, after some rhythmic grunting, is You 86 the rules, You do what just feels right, Happy do whateveryouwannakah, and to all a cheery night.

I can't possibly explain to you how painful it was for me to type that sentence. So now we are not only liberating, but we are 86'ing the rules? I am still confused to as what. They certainly 86'ed grammar rules and good taste and creativity with the term do whateveryouwannakah. If this was Adam Sandler circa 1996, that would be cutting edge and hilarious. But its a Gap commercial circa 2009 so its just lame and stupid. But hey, a hot blonde! And children on a ledge that appears to have no way down! Maybe someone should liberate them. That would probably feel right.

The last seven seconds of the commercial contains some people applauding themselves and sliding across the floor. Plus the slogan "Ready for Holiday Cheer". The lack of a question mark suggests they aren't asking, but instead telling us that they are ready for holiday cheer. Excellent. I know I am ready to go buy some jeans and sweaters now!

I may just go crawl into a hole for the next month and a half. Someone come find me for New Years.

Billboard top 40: Six Months Later

2009-09-23T13:50:00.003-04:00

While it may seem redundant for me to double up on a category when I have only posted like 20 times, I just watched a video of a cartoon Sean Kingston rapping, looking non-obese and standing about two feet tall. It was at that point I knew it was time for a reprisal. This is from Billboard, published date September 26, 2009.

1. I Gotta Feeling-Black Eyed Peas

I gotta feeling I'm going to regret undertaking this endeavor. I gotta feeling this is one the most annoying songs of all time. I gotta feeling that the world would be better served in Fergie had permanent laryngitis. I gotta feeling guidos at the North Jersey Shore LOVE this song. I gotta feeling this blog post is going to be full of easy jokes like this.

2. Down-Jay Sean ft. Lil' Wayne

It only took until number two for the first song I didn't know simply by the title/artist. Plus our first Lil' Wayne appearance. Good to know the man still hasn't learned how to say no. Jay Sean kind of looks like a Baghdadi teenager. On some research, his real name is Kamaljit Singh Jhooti. Hah. I know a terrorist when I see one! He is British though....fucking British, harboring terrorists and then unleashing them on us to sing useless overplayed pop music that no one will remember in six months! Lil' Wayne is down like the economy! What a timely reference to our nation's suffering! I suppose that is to be expected from the man who added some guy named Kamaljit to his record label.

3. Party in the USA-Miley Cyrus

First time I heard this on the radio, my immediate reaction was "Why the fuck is this on the radio? It sounds like Kidz Bop." Then I found out it was by Miley Cyrus and became even more convinced that Americans will consume anything if it is created by a familiar name. This song is horrendous. Note to Miley: if you are going to include a terrible line like "A Jay-Z song was on" or "A Britney song was on", it is best not to repeat it in an effort to make crystal clear how poor your song writer is.

4. Run This Town- Jay-Z ft. Rihanna and Kayne West

Fun Fact: This software recognizes Kayne as a word. God Bless America. It doesn't recognize Rihanna. I think its xenophobic towards Barbados, but that's just me. This song features more Rihanna than Jay-Z, so shouldn't this be a Rihanna song? Why are rappers always bragging about being "fresher" than other rappers? I think they have self esteem problems. I'm beasting off this Reisling? Is Kayne bragging about drinking white wine? That doesn't seem very fresh. Or maybe a well made white is the new Cristal and I am just horribly behind the times. Maybe it is me who isn't fresh.

5. Use Somebody-Kings of Leon

SOMEONE LIKE YOU OHHHHHHAAAAAOOOHHHHHAAAAOOOHHHHHH. This song is a year old America. Let's move it out of the top 5.

6. You Belong With Me-Taylor Swift

Perfectly acceptable pop song by a perfectly acceptable attractive, blonde and of legal age pop singer. But let's stop trying to act like Taylor Swift wasn't far and away the best looking girl in whatever hick high school she was attending in Reading, even is she wore those ridiculous glasses she is wearing in the video. I have met girls from Reading, and Taylor Swift is no regular girl from Reading. I didn't get that "I'm in the bleachers" meant she was in the band until I watched the video. Huh.

7. Whatcha Say-Jason DeRulo

I just heard this for the first time. Jesus fucking christ is this terrible. Apparently, its a sample of a Imogen Heap song. Seriously. Mediocre pop musicians are sampling Imogen Heap. Maybe we are better off if the Mayans are right about 2012.

8. Obsessed-Mariah Carey

"It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth." Also, this video gives the impression Mariah Carey is stalking herself. Quite the message from a woman who spent some time in a mental health facility a few years ago.

9. Hotel Room Service-Pitbull

This is the most repetitive song ever. Which is generally fine, because it is supposed to be a club song I guess. I never understood how songs like this end up on the radio. Do people dance in their cars? Do they like to just envision themselves dancing? OH ROOM SERVICE IS AN EUPHEMISM FOR SEXUAL RELATIONS IN A HOTEL I GET IT.

10. Good Girls Gone Bad-Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester

So is this supposed to make people think Leighton Meester can sing? Cause she can't. I mean, she can melodically talk over a produced beat. But that isn't really singing. The underground casino with hot chicks running around in this video seems like my type of place. Also, if he heard she was trouble, doesn't that eliminate the possibility she is a good girl? Seems like someone already turned her bad, Cobra Starship. More harmless pop music disguised as rock music most likely made by guys who regularly get hammered off Smirnoff Ice. How else would they come up with Cobra Starship? But they seem dangerous to 14 year old girls! Next.

11. She Wolf-Shakira

Vickery LOVES Shakira. This is not her best effort, again proving if you made hit songs before, the next load of crap you produce will likely also be a hit song. I enjoy the skin colored body suit in the video though. Thanks for that.

12. Knock You Down- Keri Hilson ft. Kayne West and Ne-Yo

In my unhumble opinion, this is the best of the Keri Hilson songs that have bombarded the American public in the past year. I will ignore the ridiculous poker terminology at the beginning (Its like a min-raise when I already won first place? That makes no fucking sense), because the Kayne lines about Joe and Michael Jackson were hilarious even before the events of the last few months. She also appears taller than Kayne, which amuses me. I like Ne-Yo name dropping his own song in his verse as well. Nicely done.

13. Best I Ever Had-Drake

A new young rapper spins a yarn about his first love and how important she was to his life and development, mostly through metaphors about how well they suck his dick. No one has ever done that before! What an original concept! People who work in the music industry must laugh at the general population. This one name drops Andy Griffith though. That's new. And the video references the Mighty Ducks. So points for that, as well.

14. Throw it in the Bag-Fabolous ft. The Dream

Fabolous has been back for four months and I had no idea! The video is filmed in a style of five years ago though, so maybe Fab was frozen or something. Maybe he doesn't know time has passed. This song is mediocre in every possible way. There is nothing creative or distinctive about it.

15. Boom Boom Pow-The Black Eyed Peas

The Earplugs! They do nothing! This song actually moved up from 19 this week. HOW IS THIS SONG GETTING MORE POPULAR. WHAT THE FUCK.

16. Battlefield-Jordin Sparks

Another original concept: love as a battlefield. This month's award for song that teenage girls cry to while fighting with their boyfriends over who he was talking to in math class: Jordin Sparks! By the way, when is fair to talk about how American Idol has produced a bunch of long terms losers, outside of Clarkson. Sure, the lemmings all buy their first albums, but then they do nothing. Why is this show so popular again?

17. Break Up-Mario ft. Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett

Gucci Mane is underrated as a ridiculous looking and acting rapper. He needs more camera time. The story of this song is: girl breaks up with guy. Guy is confused. He lists all the things he buys for her despite exterior shots of a poor Baltimore neighborhood. He then laments maybe it is because he fucks random bitches all the time. He then calls her "vanilla"...but shes a model to him! That's right, you may be an ugly ho to everyone else, but your beautiful to him. Have I mentioned how awesome Gucci Mane is?

18.Papparazzi- Lady GaGa

So the theory that Lady GaGa isnt trying to produce good music has been floated to me. She just wants to dress up like a dumbass and be famous. It's "performance art". Interesting theory, that gains traciton because she certainly isn't producing good music. I wonder if the "She has penis" rumor was also part of the performance art. In this video she kills her boyfriend, but appears to get in no trouble. Huh?

19. Be On You-Flo Rida ft. Ne-Yo

Subtle title. This video has 6.5 million views on YouTube. That is amazing to me. "If you don't like that, send it right back. But I just gotta say, I wanna be on you." I approve of the ridiculous audacity of this song.

20. Big Green Tractor- Jason Aldean

Ya know, Abe, you should have maybe let them go. I get the whole unity of the Union of the argument, and I guess there was no way for you to know this was going to happen. But in hindsight, we probably would have been okay without them. Sure, Mexican level poverty would be a little too close for comfort with the BosWash area, but sometimes sacrifices need to be made. "We can go to town, but baby if you'd rather, we can take a ride of my big green tractor." Tennessee romance.

21. Say Hey (I love you)-Michael Franti and Spearhead ft/Cherine Anderson

What. Is. This? It isn't quite country music. Nor reggae. Or hip-hop. I guess its a bit of the three. Huh. It had a steel drum. Spearhead? Who or what is Spearhead? It is certainly upbeat. So that's nice. I really don't know what to say here. Moving on.

22. Love Drunk-Boys Like Girls

They used to be love drunk, now just hungover. That's the way to turn a phrase boys! I sort of have the same haircut as the lead singer. That can't possibly be a good sign. Seeing/hearing teenage angst when you are no longer a teenager makes you hate yourself as a teenager.

23. Fallin' for You-Colbie Caillat

This video features a tall, pretty blonde on a date with a short, stocky man with a jew fro. I mean, he drives a Chrysler, so that isn't it. He also seems clumsy and socially awkward. He is wearing some sort of snow boots on the beach. He rides a segway with a hemlet. This is giving to false hope to poor, clumsy, jew fro'd short men across the globe. The song sucks too.

24. No Surprise-Daughtry

I'm surprised people keep listening to Daughtry.

25. I Know You Want Me-Pitbull

This has 55 million views on YouTube. Before it plays, a Geico commercial plays. This song is very catchy, and then it gets old extremely quickly. Not sure how it is still charting so highly.

26. 21 Guns-Green Day

The best part of this song is that there is long, spiteful argument going on through YouTube about whether or not Green Day is emo. Lots of angry emo kids. No one has gotten more from three chords than Green Day. From songs about jerking off to political statements.

27. Waking Up in Vegas-Katy Perry

So the point of this song is that Kary Perry and her male companion lost everything they had one night in Vegas, including keys to their room and her fake ID, but then managed to turn the last few dollars they had into some sort of fortune. And that is what one gets for waking up in Vegas. A less than fifty percent chance you will return home destitute. Hmm, seems reasonable to me. I am booking the flight as we speak.

28. Fire Burning-Sean Kingston

The only value of this song is that it led to the video parody "Colby Burning in the Outfield". If you haven't seen it, take the time to look it up. It is awesome. That single, double, triple that smoooooth home run. When that ball is on the field you best believe a run is gonna score. Wipe that eye black off onto my shirt. Seriously, I can't listen to this without hearing that. Which is fine, because this song sucks.

29. One Time-Justin Beiber

Oh wow this is great. It is like Aaron Carter returned, but he is hanging out with Usher. He is rocking the half hood look in the video, which is superb. This song sucks, but it is entirely worth it just for the singer's appearance on the music scene and the amazingly awkward video.

30. Ice Cream Paint Job-Dorrough

Are the rims big? WHHHHA? Cream on the inside, clean on the outside. Just another presumably poor, inner city youth's love song to his car. Such a stereotype. Nothing to see here. Kimbo Slice, St. Lunatics and Saved by the Bell references.

31. Toes-Zac Brown Band

They are hicks and proud of it! At least Floaty Boatwood is. That is the name of the character in the video. Srsly. Toes in the water, ass in the sand indeed. They randomly yell something in Spanish in the middle of the song. As far as I can tell, these guys are just some Georgians who want to go to Mexico to drink mediocre beer, smoke some weed, and perhaps sexually assault a bartender. The video contains a midget and a Brett Farve jersey. I think I have said all that needs to be said here.

32. Never Say Never-The Fray

It sounds like all the rest of the songs by The Fray.

33. Sweet Dreams-Beyonce

Kind of surprising it took until 33 to get a Beyonce appearance. Typical Beyonce song. Seems to be some sort of internal lover's conflict. Could be good. Could be bad. She is trying to work through it, but only on her terms. The video consists of her wearing something revealing and dancing around sluttily. Standard.

34. Pretty Wings-Maxwell

Apparently, this is chapter one of a trilogy from Maxwell. It is nice to have Maxwell back after his long hiatus. Its a song about him fucking a chick. Like all the rest of the Maxwell songs. This one is about him banging someone else's girl though. Pop artists are really repetitive. This has a horn in it. That is Maxwell's creative expansion. I bet Grebe loves this song.

35. Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson

I am tired of hearing about how Kelly Clarkson is proud that she got fat. I really don't care she is eating too many fried oreos down in Texas. I'd prefer if she didn't, but that's her prerogative. I just don't want to have see headlines saying she is proud of her "big ass". Why do I need to hear about this? I don't give a fuck. Apparently its "empowering". So she feels like the relationship she is in is no good for the guy in this song, so she just takes off. Seems unnecessary. No note? No explanation? No goodbye viewing of your big ass?

36. American Ride-Toby Keith

What the world needs: Toby Keith's musical opinion on global warming, amongst other socio-political topics of our day. Why is wanting to fight unprovoked wars that kill Americans patriotic, but wanting to enact changes to health care to save American lives unpatriotic? Sorry, won't mention craziness like that again. At least Toby admits Carrie Prejean can't sing. He seems to think that she lost her title because she gained five pounds though. Not 'cause she hates gay people. Sigh. Actual YouTube quote on this video: "this song blows more cock than a phillipino hooker". (sic), obviously.

37. Please Don't Leave Me-Pink

Pink is all over the place. Last time we did this, she was liberated from her husband. Now they are back together and singing songs threatening to cut him into pieces if he leaves. Crazy ass bitches and their wild mood swings from Central Bucks East. I never knew anyone like that.

38. I'm Yours-Jason Mraz

This song has been on the charts for 74 weeks. If you want my opinion on this, go back to the last time I did this activity. Nothing has changed.

39. Evacuate the Dancefloor-Cascada

I wonder if Cascada is a biblical name. I wonder how many strippers dance to this song per night. I wonder how quickly the world will forget this song exists. I give it to Thanksgiving at the latest.

40. New Divide-Linkin Park

I thought Linkin Park was no more. I hate them. I blame Michael Bay for this. Asshole.

Bonus!

61. Alright-Darius Rucker

Darius Rucker is Hootie. You know, from the Blowfish. He is now a solo artist and has a top 100 single. Peaked at 30. Awesome.

93. Face Drop-Sean Kingston

This is the song where Sean Kingston reverts to a short, skinny cartoon in the video. Watch and be amazed.

John Saunders

2009-09-13T20:12:00.002-04:00

Said today on ESPN, following the McNabb injury:

"i was going to say but, if this were any other city, guys, this would not be an issue right now. this is philadelphia right now. i know michael vick's got another week of suspension, but you know you're gonna see the talk in the paper, you're gonna hear it on talk radio, and everybody is gonna be saying 'michael vick, michael vick, he's our savior, when will we see him?' and, as boom says, he's not ready."

What the fuck are you talking about? If this was New York or Boston or Chicago they wouldn't talk about the possibility of playing a former Pro Bowl QB on the roster when your starting QB breaks a rib and is going to miss 2-4 weeks?

John Saunders, you're a fucking idiot. You are the personification of why ESPN is fucking horrendous. Go back to Canada. I'm sure that the CBC needs someone to complain about Winnipeg Blue Bombers fans.

The best part is that ESPN originally whined about how awful the reaction Vick was going to get was going to be. But the fans cheered. Now we're assholes for booing about something we haven't booed yet.

I also enjoy how no one I know of was happy to see McNabb get hurt, and everyone pretty much understands Vick can't run this offense. But listening to ESPN you would think we we're fucking Lionel Richie dancin' on the ceiling.

Michael Vick

2009-08-13T23:20:00.004-04:00

Hmm. This is interesting. Some thoughts on this follow, with the admission that I was never a Vick guy in the first place. I always thought he was an over hyped ESPN product to a certain extent. Sure he can run, but he was never an effective passer and he was never going to become one. One of the most comical things out of this so far was hearing Andy say Vick "knows the offense". Vick did run the WCO in Atlanta, but maybe Andy forgot how horrific he was at it, and they really only won game when they pounded the ball with Duckett and Dunn. He is/was an unquestionably great athlete who couldn't/wouldn't ever be a great quarterback in the NFL.

My biggest confusion about all this is I don't quite understand how the positives outweigh the negatives here. The Eagles believed, or at least they claimed to believe, they had the best team in football before this. Does Vick make the roster better on paper? Sure, probably. Of course, we are talking about a person who hasn't stepped on a field for two years and they didn't even work him out, but we will assume that on pure talent alone he adds something to the roster. Does that addition outweigh the three ring circus that is about to descend on NovaCare? This is a team that hasn't always handled the pressures of extreme media scrutiny very well, an issue on display just a few weeks ago when Andy had a hissy fit because a reporter called Stewart Bradley.

Donovan is currently on Comcast saying how great he thinks this is. And that's all fine and dandy. But we all know the first pass that bounces in front of a receiver will bring out the vocal minority in this fan base that despises McNabb. And there will be boos. And there will be scores of calls to WIP demanding the Eagles start Vick. In the past, Donovan hasn't always handled these things that well. He gets....pouty. Maybe that shit doesn't affect his on field performance, but it sure gets the media frothing at the mouth. Quickly that three ring circus will become a five ring circus. And again, when this team gets surrounded by large media gatherings, things haven't turned out well.

The other issue, for me anyway, is I kind of think Vick is a gigantic douchebag. Even before the dog mess, the coaching staff in Atlanta had declared him an uncoachable malcontent who refused to work at becoming an effective NFL passer. I mentioned my belief that he was overrated above. And how quickly people forget the Ron Mexico mess. The man used to spread Herpes around like the Easter Bunny does candy. He is a dirtbag. His brother is a dirtbag. I understand the "second chance, this is America..." stuff, but I will choose to believe he has changed when he shows it. I don't buy it. I think it is generally sociopathic behavior to hang a living thing who can clearly feel and express pain upside down and electrocute it for up to three hours until it is dead. I don't like people like that. I don't want to be around people like that. I don't want to root for people like that. (And I know that "OMGBRETTMYERS" is the default response here, but I can assure you it is different for alot of reasons. Simply, Myers is an asshole who presumably did something horrible once. Vick did a horrific act repeatedly and tried to drag out the suffering as long as he could to a victim that was completely defensless. One makes you an asshole. One makes you a sociopath. If Myers hit his wife nightly and went out of his way to make it as terrible as possible while doing it, he'd still be rightfully locked up and it wouldn't be an issue. Hitting a woman is far worse than killing a dog. It is the viciousness and repitiveness that makes what Vick did particularly disgusting.)

So how am I going to feel the first time I see Michael Vick in an Eagles uniform? Not very good, most likely. I don't like the guy. I don't generally wish him success. I would actually like to see him fail miserably. A feeling that has now come in direct conflict with my desire to see the Eagles do well. Will victories and successes mute that feeling some? Probably. But it sucks it even has to be considered. In the end, I guess this is teaching me I am not a win at all costs person.

Don't get me wrong. I am not one of these people who are "outraged" or will claim to stop rooting for the Eagles. I'll still root for the Eagles and I am not angry or bitter about this is. I think Vick served his time, and has every right to play again the NFL. I just wish Michael Vick wasn't playing as an Eagle, and I am not convinced they needed this to win. I could see a Buffalo or a San Francisco making a last ditch effort to sell tickets and become competitive in league where their franchises don't matter anymore. But the Eagles were probably going to win anyway.

There is, of course, always the possibility they don't win at all. A likelihood that I think actually becomes higher with this signing. There is three possible outcomes to this signing. Vick could come in here, set the world on fire, e wildly effective and play a key part in helping this team win games. Vick could come in here, be about as ready to play as Pacman Jones was last year, be generally ineffective, rarely see the field and not be much more of a factor than Hank Baskett or the whoever the third running back is. Vick could come in here, be a huge distraction, never help on the field at all, cause a shit storm in the locker room, and maybe even get in trouble off the field again. I'd say the likelihood of these possibilities is like 20/60/20.

My question is: Is a 20% chance of major improvement worth all this? Maybe Andy thinks its higher that that. Maybe he's right. I hope he's right, I guess.

I end with a thought that I stole from a message board. When a potential signing/trade/whatever comes up in NFL circles circa 2009 and the first reaction of nearly everybody is "Al Davis will sign him",.....isn't that something you generally want to stay away from?

Five Things I Hate, Version Uno

2009-04-30T00:10:00.003-04:00

This is going to be a regular feature in which I name five things I hate, and why. I hate a lot of things, so this shouldn't be difficult.

People Who Don't Make Right Turns On Red

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these people? There is a valid reason for making a right hand turn on red, and usually it involves "traffic flow". I am fine with people who aren't risk takers at lights, that's fine. But the people who sit there when no one is coming for miles should be kicked out of the country. Every time, this happens I want to yell "You inconsiderate prick, get the fuck out of the way" out the window. Are these people oblivious to the written law that says they can make right turns on red? Are they admiring the lovely traffic light scenery? Do they just not give a fuck?

The worst part is this is always the same person who is driving comfortably below the speed limit, so you know this is going to be a problem when you get to the light. You'd think knowing this would make me less angry when the act occurs, but for some reason it just pisses me off more.

They are also usually related to...

People Who Stop Where There Isn't a Stop Sign

This is an action mostly seen in shopping centers. Most shopping centers don't have stop signs when you enter them, because they want you to get in there faster (fucking marketing geniuses, these developers). This of course doesn't stop fucking idiots from stopping when they get to the first intersection of said shopping center. It usually leads to people at actual stop signs staring confused at the idiot who is randomly stopped. It also usually leads to the person behind said idiot to have to slam on their breaks because they didn't expect to have to randomly stop where there ISN'T A STOP SIGN.

Of course, after the stare down, someone has to go. If this goes according to the idiot who has stopped for no reason's apparent plan, everyone will try to go at the same time. Realizing this, everyone will then stop. Again. And stare at each other for a few seconds trying to figure out what to do. Again. These people should also all be deported.

Lazy Journalists and the Snowball Santa Story

If you google "santa snowball" (get your minds out of the gutters. fucking perverts) you don't get stories about the demon holiday or winter or Santa Claus. You get a story about Eagles fans throwing snowballs at Santa Claus. Fortunately, it is one that explains the stupidity of the whole thing. Long story short: it happened it 1968, there is a back story to it, we should stop talking about things that happened 40 years ago. But if you are a hack sportswriter/caster, you feel the fucking need to resuscitate this story as much as possible because you suck at your job and have nothing else to talk about.

This is as good a place as any to explain my theory on this. I have attended sporting events in many places in this country. I used to work game day security for the Eagles, so I have met a lot of fans from across the country. What I learned is that there is "Northeast fans" and there is everyone else. People from Boston, New York and Philly take this sports thing a bit more serious than everyone else. Maybe it has something to do with familial roots or population density, but there is a bit more "passion" from those fan bases than most anywhere else. And if you really wanted to, you could find examples of shitty behavior from Bostonians and New Yorkers at sporting events. You just don't hear it repeated as much, and I think part of that is that ESPN employees are stationed in New England and most major media publications come out of New York.

Don't get me wrong, I am not excusing what some assholes do. The flares at the Vet? Yeah, that guy is a douche. But the Capitals have now had incidents in consecutive years in the first round of the NHL playoffs with fan behavior, and no one really seems to give a shit. If that happened here, holy shit every news outlet in the country would be invading.

I am going to douse some myths here:

1. There is no prison at the Linc. There used to be one at the Vet after the flare incident, but that was not brought over from across the street.

2. We weren't booing Michael Irvin. We were booing Deion Sanders doing a healing dance around Michael Irvin. Big difference.

3. You don't immediately get beat up if you're opposing fan. If you aren't a douche, you will be fine. If you're a douche, all bets are off. I have been to Giants Stadium twice. Once we we're fine. The other was an 8 PM start and we got real drunk. We were douches, and someone threw a bottle at us. It happens.

When there is millions of people who all have an interest in something, a few are going to be real assholes. Just look at political parties. Are some Philadelphia fans assholes? Sure, but most of those people are too young to have thrown snowballs at Santa. Stop bringing it up, you fucking hacks.

(Ed. Note: I will say that Phillies/Mets games the past few seasons are kind of an exception to all this. The asshole quotient goes through the roof on both sides. Mets fans seem to go to CBP with the intent of getting into a fight, and I have heard the same thing happens in reverse. I think it has something to do with drinking in the heat. And high school kids drinking, because lets not kid ourselves: no one is a bigger douche than a drunk high school kid. These games are way worse than any other event I have been to, and that includes Eagles/Dallas games and Flyers/Penguins playoff games. Also, the Mets suck.)

Nancy Grace

What a C U Next Tuesday Nancy Grace is. For those that don't know Ms. Grace, she hosts a show on Headline News sensationalizing news stories. She in particularly loves a good "white girl gets kidnapped" story. That is when the dollar signs really show up in her eyes. She will have every family member, friend, acquaintance, former soccer coach, or townsperson of the kidnapped on her show.

I feel for these people, obviously. Something awful has happened. But our girl Nance is clearly just trying to make money off of these people's suffering. It is fucking awful, and pretty damn blatant if you ever really pay attention to. She has these wild eyes and she yells a lot and she makes wild claims and accusations. It is unsettling.

She often likes to point out that she was a prosecutor. And she was. What she usually fails to mention is that on her way out, the Georgia Supreme Court chided her for "inappropriate and illegal conduct in the course of the trial." A United States Court of Appeals called her ethics "fast and loose". Basically, she cheated. She would withhold evidence and on occasion do things she would surely have an on air hissy fit about if other people were caught doing.

Things like that are how prosecutors become the equivalent of lawyers chasing ambulances. She is a TV host chasing kidnappings. I bet she doesn't make right hand turns on red, either.

Radical Temperature Changes

What are the high temps in Philadelphia the past ten days, you ask?

51
68
55
70
73
88
92
90
87
73

What. The. Fuck. Tomorrow is supposed to be only 66. There is a 41 degree swing in there, including daily changes of +17, +15 (twice), -14, and -13. I know spring has crazy weather, but we almost had a fucking heat wave in April. More people are going to get sick from this than pig aids, but I don't see anyone freaking out over it.

My personal favorite day was the 24th, when the high was 73 and the low was 39. On an average spring day, that is like getting on a plane in Atlanta and landing in Anchorage.

I don't know how to blame for this, but my main suspect is the guy who created fluorocarbons. I don't know who he is, but I bet he is a real jerkoff. And really rich.

Musings...

2009-04-27T23:16:00.003-04:00

I hate doing this, because I think it's pretty lame, but I have some salient points to make. Also, people keep bitching that I haven't updated my blog. I can't believe people are reading this thing. It is nice to know that even people with jobs are as bored as I am.

-The main purpose of this is a record that Tim told Rush that he would dress as Macho Man Randy Savage to the game if Macho Harris ever starts a home game for the Eagles. Seriously, that is the main reason I am writing this post. It had to be placed in perpetuity somewhere. I think we have all become gigantic Macho fans now, no?

-I also needed to display my anger about something. Tom McCarthy, go fuck yourself. Seriously, choke on your pregame Krispy Kreme and go away. After an Elijah Dukes home run onto Ashburn Alley tonight, Tommy MetsFan said, and I quote "He hit that one into Mike Piazza territory!". Are you fucking kidding me you douchebag? It is bad enough that he openly roots for the opposition most nights, but you are now naming parts of the ballpark after former Mets and homosexual icons? If the Phillies brass had any fucking brains, Franzke and LA would be on TV tomorrow and TMac will be sobbing somewhere in a local McDonald's, drowning his sorrows in McNuggets. Maybe Mike Piazza can stop by and cheer him up.

-I miss Harry.

-Tucci just turned one on Friday, and she is 68 pounds. What the fuck? The dog was 4 pounds when we got her. Christ. She is goddamned huge. She also eats sticks like they are candy. Mmm, roughage!

-Today I took upon myself to go the shore on a Monday and get my yearly spring sunburn. It is pretty bad, but the back of the knees are safe. Sorry to disappoint. I am alternating between shivering and overheating, so I got that going for me.

-Marty Biron, proving French Canadians never learned how to catch since 2009. Steve has always thought it was because they don't play baseball as kids. I think he is onto something. Related: Hey Carcillo, there is a reason they won't fight you when they are winning. Maybe you shouldn't fight when we are winning. He did beat his ass though, so that was fun.

-Only people between the ages of 22 and 55 should be able to drive. If you are outside of that age range, there is 90% chance you suck at driving. Also, if you are driving while inebriated, driving ten miles below the speed limit is way shadier than driving around the speed limit. You look like a fucking moron, and are causing traffic. Get off the goddamned road. Douchebags. Vick should have to constantly ride shotgun with me and ticket any person who annoys me on the road.

-What is more frustrating? Set over set on the flop or having two blackjack bets turn into nine bets and losing all nine? What if this happens an hour apart? I'll let you decide. FML.

-I was telling people the other day the Hornets quit on their coach. They won that day, and people questioned me. Today, the Hornets lost a home playoff game by FIFTY EIGHT POINTS. Blow me, they quit on their coach.

-If my recent job search has taught me anything, it is that I am really only qualified to sell insurance. This is disheartening because who isn't qualified to sell insurance, really? It is like the old saying "I wouldn't want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member", I am not sure I want any job I am qualified for. C'mon Powerball!

-That fucking Asher Roth song gets worse every fucking day. I like that he has a song on his album whining about people comparing him to Eminem, wittily called "As I Em". (Get it! Em! Like Eminem!) Stop complaining douchebag, at least people aren't comparing you to Vanilla Ice.

-I mostly read Pitchfork just so I can disagree with it, but they rated Asher's album 2.4/10. That sounds right. However without Pitchfork I wouldn't know that Clipse and Kanye just came out with a track (They gave it a 7, btw). Where else can you find out that and about MGMT settling their differences with the French government in just seconds? God bless the interwebz and uppity internet music journalists(?).

-The Phillies pitching sucks worse than having to go to work/school on a 90 degree day in April. (suckers).

-Kenny Smith is currently playing with one of those electronic boards in which the host can move images with his finger. Is this really fucking necessary for basketball halftime shows? Was it really fucking necessary to give Michael Smith one for the draft? We get it, CNN had a cool board on election night. Even that was unnecessary. Sportscasters don't fucking need one.

-You know what's awesome? Mayo. If you disagree, I think you are an unrefined imbecile that probably likes Asher Roth.

-The Quizno's commercial in which it is suggested that the guy is having sexual relations with the oven while making "torpedoes"...a bit much, no?

-After 25 years of being angry, I have really mellowed lately after starting this blog so I could bitch about things. Fuck that. The only logic I can see about God is that he must exist, cause why else would I constantly get fucked over by things like this. Fuck.

-I almost just wrote the phrase, "be being". That can't be right, right? Right.

-If you spell check on this thing, it says "internet" is wrong. They say it should be capitalized. Self important assholes.

-I enjoy the Blackhawks radically insensitive logo. Good for them, and screw Canada. I mean, really, what has Canada ever done for me. Provided cold fronts? Kept Sarah Palin at bay? The only good things I have ever heard about Canada is that it is nicer than Detroit. No shit. Chernobyl is nicer than Detroit, too, but they aren't bragging.

-TNT is using the header "Win or go home" for this Lakers broadcast. If the Lakers win, they stay home. But if they lose, they have to go away. That header is misleading. Maybe if they didn't spend so much of Ted Fucking Turner's money on giving Kenny Smith interactive TV screens, they could hire someone to notice these things. (I'm available, if necessary!)

-Dear HBO, stop showing the Sex and the City Movie 24 hours a day. WHY IS THAT MOVIE TWO AND HALF HOURS LONG? WHAT THE FUCK? The one's a whore, the one's a prude, the one's a bitter angry woman, and the lead is a whiny little fucker who looks like a foot. Why does this take 150 minutes to sort out?

-Put a price, Put a price on my soul....Find a cure, Find a cure for my life

-I really do love female British pop singers. Which is odd because I really hate British people. Pompous fucks. (Ed. Note: I have never actually met a British person. I don't think they travel to Philly too much. Bad memories of getting their asses kicked. TAKE THAT BRITS. AMERICA, FUCK YEAH. They would rather go to Canada where those brown nosing Canucks let the Brits rule them until like 2002.)

-That was a great few sentences full of international stereotypes. Snobby Brits? Abrasive Americans? Worthless Canadians? We got it all. I don't know if worthless Canadian is really a stereotype. If not, I think we should make it one. This is the kind of thing I envisioned for this blog. Demeaning mass groups of people I know nothing about, and mocking their made up shortcomings.

-I really think this entire entry is pretty fucking shitty. Maybe if I keep writing my mental diarrhea you people will stop asking me to update my blog. As you may or may not know, when people tell me to do something it makes me less likely to do it. I have the same attitude as the average seven year old. In fairness, I am real light headed and dehydrated from the sunburn. I would say I'll try harder in the future, but let's be honest.....that'd be a lie.

The Road to the Final Four

2009-04-10T15:09:00.002-04:00

First, a mea culpa. I was terrible picking the tournament this year. My worst year in recent memory, which is funny because I watch more college basketball this year than ever before. I still finished in the 79% percentile on ESPN’s Tournament Challenge with those picks, which I think says more about the rest of the tournament picking public. Hooray for getting the obvious champion right!

Anyway, I haven’t written much lately mostly because I have been traveling the eastern half of the United States watching forty minutes of Villanova Basketball (copy write Jay Wright, 2001). Below are some thoughts and impressions on each stop, as well as the distance traveled in miles and minutes.

New York
Distance: Approx 95 miles from home to Matt and Ryan’s apartment. Two hours of trains each way.

Expectations are an interesting thing. Everyone always talks about how great hope is, but I say fuck hope. I want expectations. There was a long period of time that I would hope Villanova would simply be good enough to make the tournament, maybe play some meaningful games in March. Now it is not only expected to be playing important games this time of year, it is expected to win some. The expectations are better. It is probably not always fair to the players and coaches to feel this way, but I would bet even they would tell you it is better to have expectations of greatness than hopes of relevancy.

With that said, how different are expectations if Dwayne Anderson doesn’t make that layup to beat Marquette? We are probably not in Philly the first weekend. Probably a four seed, not a three seed. Which likely means playing UNC in the round of sixteen, not four. Making this probably just another Villanova Sweet 16 team (speaking of altered expectations…) instead of a perception altering team. We are now a Final Four program, partly because Reggie Redding found Dweeze in the final second. Since this team will ultimately be remembered for another basket in the final second, maybe this was just a harbinger of things to come.

NYC for the Big East Tourney is quickly becoming one of my favorite times of the year. It allows me the opportunity to drink in the afternoon, find new people I dislike (in this year’s case, the Louisville fan base), and then to drink even more that evening. This was a particularly alcoholic year, leading to Vick taking the 4:14 AM train home on consecutive nights.

We also hung out in the only naturally occurring cave in NYC Saturday night, and Vick loved it there.

Philadelphia
Distance: Approx 30 miles from my house to arena, 45 minutes both ways.

So, I gambled and bought tickets for the Saturday session in Philly assuming we would roll American. With 18 minutes left in the game, that did not look like a very good decision. That game was rather horrific, as well as being the only Villanova post season game I did not attend. And maybe that was for the best, because I was kind of a mess. It was nice knowing everyone else was equally as unnerved by this, judging by Meghan thinking she was such a curse a 100 miles from the arena as well as the dozens of texts I got.

As awful as that first 22 minutes were, the next 58 minutes played at Wachovia were just that dominating. UCLA could whine all they wanted about having to play in Philly (funny coming from a team who played at six pre Final Four sites the last three years: 5 in California, and one all the way out in Phoenix. Poor Bruins!) We would have won that game if it was played at Pauley Pavilion or anywhere else in the world.

The beating of UCLA was great not only for embarrassing UCLA on national television, but because it led to the nationally televised embarrassing of Duke. I thought if we beat UNC, our new slogan should have been “Fuck your tradition.”

Boston
Distance: There-Home->Manhattan->Boston Approx 300 miles and 7 hours
Back-Boston->Manhattan->Center City->West Chester->Home Approx 375 miles and 9 hours

Ed. Note: I was unable to sleep the night after the Pitt game and typed up this long, winding, sappy review of the entire weekend. It is probably pretty entertaining, and I will likely post it sometime in the next seven to ten days after I clean it up.

A few times while in Boston, Meghan referred to the weekend as “One of the best things I have ever done” or some variant of that. At the time, I wasn’t sure that I agreed with that. Reflecting back, I think that those four days in Boston encompassed an event and a feeling that I will likely—hopefully?—never again experience.

The weekend following Villanova advancing to the national semifinals for the first time in 24 years, I was encountered by three fan bases of huge public universities with gigantic athletic budgets that they used to retain or lure hall of fame, national championship winning coaches. Villanova spends its share on basketball, but not what UConn or Michigan State does, and barely in the same neighborhood of North Carolina. We are different, as some lovely Michiganders were not too shy to point out.

They, as programs and fan bases, expected to be there. They expected to be there in November. And January. And as I was running around NYC watching Dweeze beat Marquette. It would be a bit much to say a large portion of the Villanova fan base thought this was a Final Four team in November. Or January. Or as I was in NYC watching a double digit lead against Marquette slip away.

That lack of expectations, that feeling of being surprised at a group of players who seemingly outlasted every expectation, is a huge part of what made this so special.As great as expectations are, they change everything. Expecting to beat American did not lead to anywhere near the emotion hoping to beat Pitt did. It was unbridled, unquestioned joy. It was a different type of happiness than I had ever experienced, whether it be connected to a sports related event or anything else. It was overwhelming in every sense of the word. Now with a Final Four pedigree and monstrous amounts of talent coming in, expectations change. The second time will not feel like the first time.

I say it is a feeling that will hopefully never be duplicated for that reason. I want there to be a second time. And third. And tenth. But, from here on out, Villanova making a Final Four will (again, hopefully) never be such a shock, such an overwhelming experience. And that is a good thing, even if it isn’t as much fun.

Even if lofty expectations aren’t met, and we don’t get back here for another twenty years or so, I still can’t imagine that it can ever be the same. I won’t be twenty five. I find it hard to believe that it will be as easy to think that heading to Boston on a Thursday afternoon on a whim is a good idea, let alone convincing someone else to come along (thanks, Meg!). It is probably unreasonable to expect that wave of people to arrive on Saturday, almost in a mass cleansing for what happened when we were seniors in ’06. The opportunity to hear Jay speak in a room of alumni and students, with the chance to personally thank the players. There will not be the youthful exuberance of this. And it certainly won’t be the first time all over again. As Steve said, “I think if I ever make it to heaven, it’ll be the lobby of the Weston”.

In hindsight, Meghan was probably right. This was a perfect storm of events, and I will likely always remember it as one of the greatest things I was ever apart of. While I was driving around Manhattan waiting for her to finish work, I had The Hold Steady on the radio, mostly just as background noise. You know how sometimes things just jump out at you for no real reason? Well, the line “Let this be my annual reminder that we could all be something bigger” smacked me right in the face. It is funny to think about it now, because if this weekend wasn’t that step up into something bigger, I don’t know what is. In five seconds we went from a perennially strong program to a Final Four program. It happened in the blink of an eye really. Expectations got bigger, our profile got bigger, our coach got bigger. I just hope the next step is half as fun.

Detroit
Distance: There-Home->Trenton, NJ->Southfield, MI. Approx 630 miles and ten hours
Back- Southfield->Trenton->Home. Approx 630 miles and ten and a half hours.

We drove to Detroit at night. Leaving the Trenton train station around 11:30 and arriving in the Detroit suburbs at around 8:30 AM led to a lot of darkness in distance while commuting through Western PA.

Everything you heard about Detroit is pretty spot on. Pretty neat area around the stadiums, some casinos, and then a whole lot of abandoned buildings. We went to a McDonald’s across from the hotel when we got there because it was too early to check in. My total was like $4. 57. I gave the girl a five and she ran it through this machine to confirm it wasn’t counterfeit. Yeah.

Pregame we drank some, saw Will Sheridan and scalped some tickets. All around a good time.

Ford Field was nice, Michigan State fans were kind of jerkoffs, and we got to watch the Nova game from the 17th row off the floor. So that was nice. I would estimate the Spartan crowd at 45-50k for the semifinals. They were everywhere. I thought maybe the dome would temper some of the crowd noise, but it did none of the such.

The bar we went to post game had two different white Michigan State fans trying to “spit rhymes” over a beat. Apparently they all think they are Eminem or Kid Rock. It was pretty funny, however. We then proceeded to a diner where I got two Chili dogs for four bucks, and we think we saw a pimp come in with a couple of his hos at 3 AM. There was also Michigan State fans there who didn’t quite understand why Jay wouldn’t become the next coach at Memphis. Again…yeah.

However, I was glad I went. It was very cool atmosphere, and who knows when you’ll get to go to the Final Four again. As I told Matt and Meg, I have lots of crazy ideas but it can be difficult at times to find people who are willing to go along with them.

About those future expectations, early reports seem to suggest we will be preseason top 5 next year despite losing the team’s top scorer. No pressure, Let’s do it again.

It is better than hoping to be relevant though, isn't it?

ND and BO

2009-04-10T12:04:00.004-04:00

//Politics and Religion, feel free to ignore....

Generally, I don't really care what people think or believe. You can believe that the world is going to end in 2012 because the Mayans say so if you really want as long as you keep it to yourself. But this is the part that most people with strong beliefs struggle with. They can't keep it to themselves. Or at least moderately sane. They have this intense desire to let everyone know what they think, and to tell you that you are a moron if you disagree with them.

Which leads me to Barack Obama and Notre Dame. Barack is scheduled to give the commencement speech at the university in May in what seems like a once in a lifetime opportunity for the graduates. How often do you get the opportunity to hear a sitting president speak, let alone one that even his greatest critics claim is an absurdly good speaker?

Of course, this has brought the hardcore Catholics out of the woodwork. Because everything brings the hardcore Catholics out of the woodwork. Going to Catholic school from pre school through college graduation I have seen this routine many times. You know what doesn't stop teenagers from having sex? Protesting Planned Parenthood. This just leads to them having unprotected sex, leading to unplanned pregnancies, which--on occasion--leads to worst of all Catholic crimes.

To be fair, I get the opposition to abortion. I see your point. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I understand where you are coming from. What I don't understand is why you think acting like you have just been released from an asylum is a good way to change people's minds. People tend to ignore the beliefs of people who do crazy things.

Anyway, back to BO and ND. Some fellow named Randall Terry, who proudly claims that he wanted to mail Bill Clinton a dead fetus, says he is going to make this a "circus". I am sure Bill would have saw that fetus and thought "maybe this guy sending dead fetuses (fetii?) through UPS is full of great ideas. I should listen to him." But, nah, probably not.

Our boy Randy has moved his entire family to South Bend in preparation for his circus. He is picketing in front of the Board of Trustees members' homes. Because, again, people tend to respect the opinions and ideals of people who harass them and their family. I think that is in John's Gospel, somewhere. He exults that he has garnered twenty whole volunteers to help him create his circus. (Hey Randy, more people than that want Charlie Weis gone. And if you think abortion is bigger than football at Notre Dame, you might be in for a rude awakening.)

I guess what pisses me off most about this is what it says about America and how politics are handled in this country. No longer do people want to sit down and discuss differences; we would rather just overnight a dead fetus. It is why nothing ever get accomplished around here besides needless vitriol and more anger on both sides. Because everyone has become fucking insane. There are millions of normal, sane, thoughtful pro life supporters out there. You never hear about them because Randy is the one getting AP stories written about him. It is why nothing ever changes.

All I am saying is that maybe the people at Notre Dame should enjoy the once in a lifetime opportunity. I don't think Barack is going to slaughter any kids during his speech, so no worries there. I was never a Bushie, but I wish he would have spoken at my Catholic university instead of Big Bird. Seriously, Big Bird spoke at one of our commencements. It probably doesn't help we chased away a pro-choice speaker years ago. It is a slippery slope. The leader of the free world is coming to your college graduation. Listen to him. You don't have to agree, but try to learn something. And for fuck's sake, don't throw fake blood on him or mail him a fetus. You just look like an insane person. Plus, it won't make him repeal abortion laws any time soon.

Helping You Finish Second in Your Office Pool Since 2003

2009-03-16T13:45:00.002-04:00

For the past five seasons I have written up an NCAA Tournament preview that had been limited by word counts. Well, no word counts anymore, mother fuckers! With all this available space, I am going to pick every game, as well as give you the projected Pomeroy score for every first round game.

As for the title of this posting, I have finished second in 4 office pools in the last five years. I never win these fuckers, but I always get my money back!

FIRST ROUND

Midwest

Louisville v.Morehead St./Alabama St
Pomeroy: ASU: 66-64

Morehead is sophomoric funny! Alabama St. has a guy named Chief Kickingstallionsims! Louisville will beat either by 30!

Ohio St./Siena
Pomeroy:OSU 75-72

If this wasn't in Dayton, I would think Siena wins going away. I still think they win. They are going to try and push pace and if it works they will be in good shape. I like the Saints and not only because BJ Mullins has a mexistache.

Utah/Arizona
Pomeroy: Utah 70-68

Arizona has more talent than Utah, I presume. I know nothing about Utah. Where the hell did they come from? I don't know. Arizona seems to have some Villanova '08 potential, so I'll pick them, I guess

Wake Forest/Cleveland St.
Pomeroy: Wake 72-66

It isn't crazy to say Wake Forest is the most talented team in the country. The problem is that they are all freshmen and sophomores, and they, like their coach, have no tournament experience. They could lose here, they could win the national title. Who the fuck knows. I think they win here, though. Cleveland St. will just have to be remembered as the team that made Boeheim fight a microphone in December.

West Virginia/Dayton
Pomeroy: WVU 68-57

I like the Mountaineers a lot. Very underrated. Chris Wright is a beast for Dayton and I like that the Flyers go ten deep. Too much Ebanks, though.

Kansas/North Dakota State
Pomeroy: Kansas 80-71

All you need to know about the Bison is that they play with a white out. Five crackers at a time. I bet Kansas will be the more athletic team. Most of the NDSU players are from Minnesota and this in Minny, so it could be like a mini home game. I think this game is going to be close. NDSU can make 3s and Kansas is very young outside of Sherron Collins. Ben Woodside put up 60 in a game this year. I won't pick the Bison, but I wouldn't be shocked if they won.

Boston College/USC
Pomeroy: USC 70-66

Unless Tyrese Rice goes apeshit, USC should win this game.

Michigan St./Robert Morris
Pomeroy: Michigan State 74-60

Bobby Morris was known as the financier of the Revolution. He signed the Declaration of Independence. He was fucking loaded. His namesake university is going to get their asses handed to them.

West

UConn/Chattanooga
Pomeroy: UConn 87-62

Chattanooga's name is the Mocs. They are named for the state bird of Tennessee, the mockingbird. Tanzanian people eat Mockingbirds, I think. And if not, 7'4" people should at least be able to swat them away.

BYU/Texas A&M
Pomeroy: Mormons 75-69

How many people will be at the Wach for a 12:30 tip between BYU and Texas A&M? A couple thousand? Will Andy Reid be there? Can BYU play a white out? What happens if they played NDSU? Does anyone have strong feelings about this game? Does it matter? BYU is 0-5 in their last five tourney first rounds. Lee Cummard is good though. I guess I like the Cougars. Blah.

Purdue/Northren Iowa
Pomeroy: Purdue 67-59

I have nothing to say here. Purdue wins. As an aside, I am picking these games off a bracket sponsored by Observe and Report. How many movies can come out in a calendar year about mall security guards? Was this a missing genre of American film making I was unaware of?

Wahington/Mississippi State
Pomeroy: Washington 80-72

Washington's star freshman guard is named Isaiah Thomas. He was given this name because his father was a huge Lakers fan, and lost a bet during the Finals when the Pistons beat LA. You can't make this shit up. His mother could not have been pleased about this. At all. Also, the SEC is horrendous and the PAC 10 is underrated. This is being played in Portland.

Marquette/Utah St.
Pomeroy: Warriors 75-69

Poor Marquette. If Jerel McNeal doesn't stop guarding Dweeze, they probably don't have to go to Boise to play Utah St. Utah St. is certainly capable of winning this game, but I think Matthews and McNeal gut one out. The Aggies can't handle guards like that, methinks. I just heard the Decemberists in a commercial for a romantic comedy. Guh.

Missouri/Cornell
Pomeroy: Mizzou 81-67

Nothing says bad matchup for an Ivy League school than "Athletic team that presses". Don't think this is going to happen for the Big Red.

Cal/Maryland
Pomeroy: Cal 74-71

This should be a very good game. Both teams have good guards and absolutely zero inside presence. A pick em game in pretty much every way. Who ever makes more 3s probably wins. Give me Cal, I guess. Either team is going to get slaughtered in the second round.

Memphis/Cal State Northridge
Pomeroy: Memphis 76-58

Ask yourself this-when was the last time you saw Memphis play? Last April, maybe? They are the best defensive team in the country and it isn't close.

East

Pitt/East Tennessee State
Pomeroy: Pitt 86-68

Dejuan Blair averages more offensive rebounds a game than 9 division 1 basketball teams.

Oklahoma St./Tennessee
Pomeroy: Tennessee 81-80

This game is going to be fucking awesome. Both teams play up tempo and run. Neither plays particularly impressive defense. Both teams are super talented (OK St has 3 McDonalds AA) but have fatal flaws. Tennessee has no point guard and turns it over. A lot. OK St plays 4 guards, but they don't rebound like the 06 Nova team did. There will be a lot of points and it should be close. Give me Tennessee.

Florida St/Wisconsin
Pomeroy: Wisconsin 61-60

Florida St is the tallest team in America. Toney Douglas is probably the best player you have never seen at guard. I think this game is a toss up though and I find it crazy Pomeroy think Wisconsin wins. Both teams guard and can't score. It is the anti Tenn/OSU game. I think Wisconsin wins, but if I was filling out a pool I take Florida St because....

Xavier/Portland St
Pomeroy: X 75-64

I think Portland State wins this game. X is 5-5 in their last 5 games and it hasn't been against any one great. X has no point guard. I don't trust teams like that in the NCAAs. They are ranked under 250th in the country in both turnovers and creating turnovers. One of the big advantages the big guys usually have is they force a ton of turnovers. I don't think Xavier will do that. X also doesn't guard the three all that well. Portland St. shoots the three well above national average. They were in the tourney last year and won at Gonzaga this year, so they shouldn't be intimidated. Here is Cinderella.

UCLA/VCU
Pomeroy: UCLA 75-66

This is the chic upset pick, but I don't see it. I understand VCU has NBA players, but so does UCLA and they are all used to going to the Final Four. Ben Howland is a great tourney coach. I get that they have to travel across country, but that won't matter until Saturday.

Villanova/American
Pomeroy: Nova 71-58

To save time and energy for future rounds, I will point out every game we have lost this year fits a pattern. Also, if someone wants to run with us, we win. The exception is UConn and we only lost that game because AJ Price turned into Michael Jordan. Remember this, it'll come up again.

Texas/Minnesota
Pomeroy: Texas 64-63

Texas has national championship talent everywhere but (here it comes again...) point guard. It is really hard to win in the NCAAs without point guard play. Texas is much better talent wise, but Minnesota slows the game down and defends. If they can dominate pace and force turnovers they can certainly win this game. I will take Texas though, because Minnesota only has one person to score and I don't trust teams like that either. That one player is Brian Westbrook's cousin, though.

Duke/Binghamton
Pomeroy: Duke 83-62

The fighting Kornheisers don't stand much of a chance against Duke in Greensboro.

South

UNC/Radford
Pomeroy: UNC 98-70

Radford is this years winner of "I don't know what their team name is" contest. They are the Highlanders, apparently. Roy Williams is going to have to retreat to the high lands if he loses this game.

LSU/Butler
Pomeroy: Butler 66-65

What an uninteresting game. It'll probably be close, but neither team is going anywhere. It will be played in the high 50s or low 60s. Meh. I'll take Butler, the SEC sucks.

Illinois/Western Kentucky
Pomeroy: Illinois 67-58

If Chester Frazer doesn't play, this will be a win for the Hilltoppers and it may not be close. Illinois defends like crazy, but struggles to score. Without Chester they will really struggle to score. I think WKU wins, but taking Illinois isn't unreasonable. This gives me three 12s over 5s which seems a bit much, but there is some really unimpressive teams on the 5 line.

Gonzaga/Akron
Pomeroy: Gonzaga 74-61

Pomeroy and I both like Gonzaga more than most people. I can't get them taking UConn to overtime out of my mind. They can score, they can defend, they rebound, and they have NBA talent. I think they win here pretty easy.

Arizona St./Temple
Pomeroy: ASU 63-58

I think this a bad matchup for the Owls, which sucks cause I really wanted to see Serge win a tourney game. I figured that Temple was going to have the best guard on the floor, but that is James Harden in this game. Temple can win, because Arizona St. plays slooooow and they don't create turnovers. This game is probably going to be Harden v. Christmas I think. I'll take the Devils.

Syracuse/SF Austin
Pomeroy: Cuse 69-59

If Syracuse feels like defending, they can make the round of 8. If they don't feel like defending, they will beat Stephen F Austin.

Clemson/Michigan
Pomeroy: Clemson 74-69

This is one of those great NCAA tournament games because the two teams are so different. Clemson pressures full court and wants to run. Michigan plays 1-3-1 and walks up the court looking for backdoor cuts. This is a big game in the office pool world, because it is not silly to think the winner of this game makes the round of 16. Give me the coach who has proven he can win tournament games.

Oklahoma/Morgan St.
Pomeroy: Oklahoma 77-62

Has a mid February national title contender ever fallen out of the media's favor faster than this Oklahoma team? Not a single ESPN analysts had them getting to the 8 last night. Think Morgan State has ever played a number one pick before?

SECOND ROUND

Midwest

Louisville/Siena

Louisville cruises. They have a real beef if they have to play Ohio St in Dayton, though they would still crush them. Louisville note: Terrence Williams used to walk around his high school with a Barbie backpack to be "different" OOOOOOkay.

Wake Forest/Arizona

You remember that talent disparity I talked about Arizona having against Utah? They don't have it here. Every game that I pick Wake to win I shudder a bit.

West Virginia/Kansas

I hate to jump on the trendy second round upset pick, but West Virginia is going to win this game. The only time Bill Self wins in March is when his team is so talented and experienced that he almost can't lose. That isn't the case this year. I'd also be wary picking Kansas here due to their ability to lose to NDSU as well.

USC/Michigan State

The loss to Ohio State this weekend was the first game the Spartans lost all season with a fully healthy Raymar Morgan and Goran Suton. Tom Izzo builds teams, Tim Floyd gets players. Guess who does better in March? Izzo has also only lost once in the tourney the second day of the weekend. He is something like 12-1 in the second round/elite 8/championship game. That is fucking insane.

West

UConn/BYU

I can't see UConn losing here. BYU is a nice team with a star player but they can't hang here. UConn got a real cakewalk 8/9 game under them.

Purdue/Washington

Let me amend that: UConn got a real cakewalk to the elite 8. This should be a really good game though. Good defense on both sides, better offense from the Huskies. Big shot in the final minute by Jon Brockman gets Washington out of Portland.

Marquette/Missouri

This would be a fantastic game with Dominic James. It is asking alot of Maurice Aker to beat this press. The total reliance on guards who will get worn down in this type of game dooms Marquette. Mike Anderson goes to the Sweet 16, Alabama's offer to him goes to 2.5 million.

Cal/Memphis

Have I mentioned how great Memphis' defense is? Because its phenomenal. Memphis wins here, and they win big. Have I mentioned the Memphis defense?

East

Pitt/Tennessee

Teams without point guards who turn the ball over a ton don't beat one seeds. Pitt/Okie St would actually be a much better game, because the Cowboys would spread the floor (like Nova and Providence) and drive right at Blair. Blair would have like 25/25 in that game too. I think I have managed to create a rooting interest in an 8/9 game. Pitt wins either game, though.

Florida St/Portland St

I take Florida St over Wisconsin because I don't want to be forced into putting Wisconsin or Portland St into the Sweet 16. Yeah I am real coward. Florida St gets themself into a Sweet 16. I don't like that either. What a meh foursome. If I have to place their liklihoods and reaching the Sweet 16, I would go FSU 35%, Wisconsin 30% Portland St 20% Xavier15%.

UCLA/Villanova

You know how UCLA is built on defense? Slowing the game down and grinding out wins? Yeah, not this UCLA team. You know what UCLA doesn't do? Guard the 3. 275th in the country according to Pomeroy. You know what they do really well? Score. 3rd in offensive efficiency according to Pomeroy. They also don't shoot free throws, which would suggest they don't go down low very often. We are really good when Cunningham isn't in foul trouble, and Dante shouldn't have too much trouble with that here. Villanova will make this team run with them, and they don't lose games like that, especially at home. And this is a home game.

Duke/Texas

Texas can play with Duke, except that whole point guard thing comes up again. If this game wasn't in North Carolina, I would think Texas might be able to make it a game.

West

UNC/Butler

Speaking of games being played in North Carolina, Butler has no shot at winning two of them.

WKU/Gonzaga

I love that WKU's best player is named Orlando Mendez-Valdez. He might be the fourth best player on the Zags. The Zags get to the Sweet 16 for the first time since Adam Morrison's tears stained the court.

Arizona St./Syracuse

I really wish I knew if Cuse was going to defend in this game. I think they can outscore the Sun Devils regardless though. Jonny Flynn and Harden could put on a great duel here. This is going to be one of the best games of the tournament. Cuse stay hot.

Oklahoma/Michigan

If Oklahoma plays Michigan, they win. If Oklahoma plays Clemson, they lose. Ah, fuck I am changing my mind. Put Clemson into the Sweet 16. Clemson plays alot like Missouri, and Oklahoma looked like a high school team against Missouri.

Sweet 16

Midwest

Louisville/Wake Forest

This will be a battle. There is a minimum of six first round draft picks in this game. Also, whoever wins this game makes the Final Four. If Wake plays to their potential they win this game. I don't trust putting them into the Final Four though, so I will take the Ville. If everyone comes back to Wake next season, that team is going to be a monster. If you are looking for a non top two seed to put in the semifinals, this is it.

West Virginia/Michigan State

This will be a battle. Potential best game of the second weekend. Neither team gives an inch, they both rebound and defend. They also have enough guys capable of scoring that it is unlikely they get shutdown completely. Ehhh, give me West Virginia in a Big East homer pick. Also, I know this is in Indy but West Virginia travels like crazy. This will be no home type atmosphere for the Spartans even though it is Big Ten Country.

West

UConn/Washington

If I am Louisville, I am really pissed that they got Wake as their four seed while UConn got Washington. With the Ohio St in Dayton potential, they got no favors. Seattle is far enough from Glendale that I think that is mostly a non factor. These teams have played two Sweet 16 classics before (Rip Hamilton over Todd MacCullough in the 90s and Brandon Roy against the world in '06) and both were UConn wins. The Huskies win here too, but I don't think it is a classic.

Memphis/Missouri

Have I mentioned the Memphis defense yet? My biggest concern with the Tigers here is they haven't played a top level team in nearly two months when this game gets played. Calipari has gotten over that hump before and I think he does here as well. Memphis' only concern here is Tyreke Evans against the press, but Evans plays the press every day in practice.

East

Pitt/Florida St.

I am filling out my first bracket of the year as I type this and I realize that I didn't put a double digit seed in the round of 16. Meh. I probably should have put Wisconsin here, but whatever. Pitt murders Wisconsin. Florida St can hang with Pitt due to their height inside could bother Blair and Toney Douglas is a big game player, but Levance Fields never turns the ball over and this would be the Sam Young show.

Villanova/Duke

I think we win here and we win pretty easy. Duke is a UCLA clone that scores just as well but defends better. However, we are a terrible matchup for them. UCLA is a bit bigger on the perimeter than Duke, and size causes us problems on the perimeter (see Louisville, Texas, Georgetown, and West Virginia). Nolan Smith is listed as 6'2. Henderson is only 6'4. Scheyer is 6'5 but he can't guard Reynolds or Fisher so he is going to waste away against Redding. Elliot Williams is 6'4 (really?!) but isn't physical enough to bother Reynolds. I am even willing to list the guards a wash, but here is how we win this game. Dweeze and Redding can bother Henderson and Singler ALOT more than Singler and Lance Thomas will bother Dante or Shane. Frankly, this should be one of those games when Clark and Redding get 15 boards. Think Cuse and Marquette games. Dante wont have to expend energy guarding any one. He can chill with Lance Thomas or Zoubek or any other scrub Duke throws out there. He is going to go for 25 and 12. Oh, and they will gladly run with us. If Dante doesn't get in foul trouble somehow and Henderson doesn't score 40 and we still lose this game, I will walk home from Boston. It is more likely we losee in Philly to UCLA.

South

UNC/Gonzaga

These two teams, with basically the same cores, played at MSG two years ago and the Zags won. Other than that I don't see any evidence to think Gonzaga wins here if Ty Lawson is healthy. Better at almost every position unless Austin Daye blows up. Daye is the best player who wasn't on the floor two years ago, but for some reason Bobby Frasor started over Ty Lawson. I don't think will Roy make that mistake this year.

Syracuse/Clemson

How good are the ACC and Big East this season. This is the fourth Sweet 16 game between ACC and Big East teams. I know that seems a bit much, and when you count UNC and WVU that makes ten of 16, but yeah. The top five in the Big East and top 3 in the ACC I think are pretty much locks. And West Virginia, Florida State and Clemson aren't really a stretch. I think this game is a toss up, but the ACC is due one. Send Clemson through, don't feel ridiculous doing the same with Cuse.

Regional Finals

Midwest

Louisville/West Virginia

Like I said, I think the winner of the Wake/Lville game heads to Detroit. These two teams played a regional final that went into overtime went West Virginia blew a pretty big lead in 05. That was a conference ago for the Ville and a coach ago for WVU. This won't be as close. Lville gets through.

West

Uconn/Memphis

Have I mentioned Memphis defends? Like, really really well? I can't believe I am going to do this, but I think Memphis gets through the West. Fucking Calipari.

East

Pitt/Villanova

The beautiful draw ends. I know we beat Pitt earlier this year, but I can't see it happening on a neutral floor. Cunningham will have to guard someone. Sam Young will bother someone. Levance Fields won't turn it over. We lose. Oh well.

South

UNC/Clemson

UNC beat Clemson by 24 in January. They will only win by 14 in March, but yeah. Syracuse/UNC would be fun because the score will be in the 90s, but the result be the same.

FINAL FOUR

Louiville/Memphis

Old School Conference USA battle. I think Memphis can win this game. It is esentially a tossup. I am not sure if I mentioned it, Louisville really defends. They are second in defensive efficiency. Memphis is going to have score to win this game and I am not sure they can because, again, they haven't played anybody in two months. If they go out and score 75 against UConn, I think they win this game. Without that knowledge, give me Louisville. If Calipari gets to back to back title games with freshman point guards, it would be an all time amazing feat. And then he is going to get John Wall next year and start all over. Ridiculous.

UNC/Pitt

I think these are the two best teams in the country. The most enjoyable part of this game will be watching Blair absolutely abuse Hansbrough. I would guess Tyler's thoughts will be something like, "WOWMANTHISDEJUANGUYISSTRONGHEISREALLYFASTTOOWOWTHISHURTSWORSETHAN TEXASSTYLEPINGPONG." That being said, if Blair gets in foul trouble (and have you ever seen a UNC game?) Pitt will struggle to win this game. On pure talent UNC is better, and you have think last year's seminfinal still stings. Send Carolina to Monday night.

FINALS

We should just skip the next three weeks and get to it: Big East Champion against ACC Champion. Samardo Samuels won't bother Hanbrough like Blair, but he will make him work on offense and defense. The best wing player in the game will be wearing red. I can promise you at least one team will bring the intensity on defense, and it won't be North Carolina. However, Ty Lawson, if healthy, is a HUGE advantage at the point. I think either Green or Ellington needs to make shots, but if they do this is Carolina's tournament to lose.

RECAP

Okay, under 1500 characters old AIM profile style:

Upsets: Zona, Portand St, Western Kentucky, USC
Potential Upsets: Wiscy, ND St., Utah St., Temple

Potential Sleeper Sweet 16 Teams: Wiscy, WVU, OK St., Clemson/Mich

Nova? Great draw gets us to the Elite 8.

Final Four? Ville over Memphis, UNC over Pitt, UNC over Ville

Best Potential Games 1st weekend: OSU/Siena, Kansas/NDSU, Marq/Utah St., Cal/Maryland, OK St./Tenn, Zona St./Temple, WU/Kansas, Purdue/Wash, Pitt/Ok St, Nova/UCLA

This took me 3.5 hours. I'm tired. Enjoy the madness, go Cats.

Pop Music, Part 2

2009-03-03T16:02:00.002-05:00

21. TI featuring Rihanna-"Live Your Life"

I don't mind this song. I am not sure if it is any good, but I don't mind it. If you haven't seen the new TI show on MTV, do yourself a favor and dvr it or something. It's glorious.

22. Kevin Rudolf featuring Lil Wayne-"Let It Rock"

There is nothing a rap label needs more than a shitty white musician claiming to make rock music. He is so credible that he got the absolute worst of all the previously mentioned Wayne phoned in guest verses. Lil Wayne--and a guitar! This song blows donkey dicks and if you disagree you are a fucking moron.

23. The Pussycat Dolls-"I Hate This Part"

Does anybody in this "band" sing besides the Nicole chick? I am not complaining, because she is hot and the others likely can't sing anyway. As for the song, I am real sucker for piano music even when it is painfully simple. And when it is adjoined by a typical pop breakup song. Sue me.

24. Katy Perry-"Hot n Cold"

You know this song is a winner since it was so fantastic Katy couldn't even spell out "and". She was clearly so exicited to release it that putting actual words in the title became of secondary importance.

"We used to be/Just like twins/So in sync/The same energy/Now's a dead battery". Lyrical Wwzardry.

25. Coldplay-"Viva la Vida"

I can't mention this song without pointing out it sounds an awful lot (exactly) like Joe Satriani. Google Coldplay VS. Joe Satriani for the evidence.

26. The Veronicas-"Untouched"

There is something about attractive twin girls claiming a desire to be touched that I find appealing. Also, it is fast paced, simple and easily gets stuck in your head. I approve as thoughtless pop music.

27. The-Dream-"Rockin' That Thang"

I've never heard this before, and was disappointed it was a "slow jam" and not a ridiculous rap song. Nothing of interest here really. Extra point for "She's riding that thing like a pony."

28. Asher Roth-"I Love College"

A white rapper! He loves college! And naked girls! AND BEER!!!! But you best not fall asleep near him with your shoes on or bounce while playing him in beer pong, or there will be steppin. Watching the video, I'm left wondering why none of the parties I went to in college involved a large mascot-like turtle.

This is the classic song that will be played by annoying kids in college 7.5 billion times between now and May. The song and the artist will never be heard from ever again. No one will miss either.

Someone should tell Asher that videotaping his college debauchery is a good way to end up on the smoking gun. May want to keep that to a minimum.

29. Katy Perry-"Thinking of You"

Finally, the inevitable Katy Perry love song. It is even acoustic at the start. What a talented musician she is!

"You're like an Indian summer/In the middle of winter/Like a hard candy/With a surprise center". Fuck music, this bitch could be the next Sylvia Plath. She is truly a lyrical genuis for a new generation.

30. Nickelback-"Gotta Be Somebody"

Much like every other piece of music by Nickelback that has become famous, I am left speechless. Utterly speechless. I thought never would something be worse than Creed, but thankfully Chad Kroeger exceeded what I ever thought was possible.

31. TI-"Whatever You Like"

I will forever associate this song with the Phillies championship parade. Thanks, Rush, you asshole.

32. Britney Spears-"Womanizer"

If you own a copy of this album, I fucking hate you. There is no way around it. If we we're friends, consider yourself officially disowned. Who listens to this music? Let alone actually enjoys listening to it. Maybe you thought it was catchy at first or had some morbid curiosity to see what the trainwreck was up to, but it has been on the charts for 21 weeks. You can not possibly like this song five months after initially hearing it. Unless you are a fucking idiot.

33. Pink-"So What"

See above, except this has been on the chart for 27 weeks. Na na na na na na, this song fuckin' blows. In fact you could take the paragraph for the Britney Spears song and it all applies here. Terrible song? Check. Maybe catchy to certain ears? Check. Trainwreck? Check. Worn out its shelf life? Triple check.

34. Taylor Swift-"White Horse"

Hey, it's the reverse "Love Song". In this one, she isn't in a fairy tale. In this one, I am also alot less entertained.

35. John Legend Featuring Andre 3000-"Green Light"

If you dislike songs that have videos feauturing Andre 3000 floating in a martini using an olive as a life raft, then this isn't for you. If that sounds like something you might be interested in, then proceed.

36. Toby Keith-"God Love Her"

All I knew about Toby Keith five minutes ago was that he loves this bar, this country, and George Bush. In this one of he loves the rebel child of a preacher. And the preacher doesn't approve. But God he loves her. Drama! My biggest concern here is the I think the girl is only 17. Isn't Toby Keith pretty old? I think someone should alert the authorities. You would think the preacher would be more up on things. Then again, this is the South so who knows. I really dislike pop country. Or alt-country. Or whatever the fuck it's called.

37. Rihanna-"Disturbia"

My God this is old. Isn't this from the summer? How is this still in the Top 40?

38. Keith Urban-"Sweet Thing"

Apparently this is neither the same person nor the same song that appears two spots earlier. The youtube comments for this song contain an argument about whether Urban is Ausralian or New Zealand. The love in this song seems to have many less things standing in its way than Toby Keith's. The video is unintentionally hilarious. The music bores me to tears.

39. Jesse McCartney Featuring Ludacris-"How Do You Sleep"

How does Luda decide he wants to do a duet with Jesse McCartney? Was he looking for an opportunity to work with a teenaged white boy who makes mediocre pop music. This is my first listen to this as well, and am still waiting for Ludacris' verse. There it is. It isn't very good. He does yell "LUDA" at the end, so I appreciate the consistency. This song sucks.

40. "Kid Cudi"-Day N Night"

Not to be confused with Hot N Cold. I had never heard this before. I think I might like it. Further investigation is needed. Fortunately the radio will play it 250 times a day for the next six months, so I will get the chance to figure it out and then despise it completely no matter which way I end up leaning.

Hooray radio! Hooray pop music!

Popular Music

2009-03-02T15:18:00.003-05:00

Mostly due to the internet, there is more music available to the public then ever before. However, if you thought this meant that radio stations could find half decent song to play you would be incorrect. Everything on the radio is crap. While listening to terrestrial radio, your best bet for hearing a useful song is if the soft rock station is playing old Hootie songs. Pop music is terrible. To demonstrate this, I am going to break down the top of the Billboard Hot 100 chart. This chart details the most popular songs in America.

1. Flo Rida Featuring Ke$ha-"Right Round"

So the current number one song in America steals its chorus from a 1985 song from the band Dead or Alive. I'll leave it at that.

2. TI Featuring Justin Timberlake-"Dead and Gone"

I won't leave it at that. The best we can steal from is Dead or fucking Alive? It is one thing to sample someone talented or influential, but the "best" song we have right now is stealing from Dear or Alive? Jesus Christ.

3. Kayne West-"Heartless"

While I technically have little issue with this song, it has been on the chart for 16 weeks. 4 months have passed and we haven't gotten three songs better than this for public consumption? I don't think this is the third best song on this fucking album. And it moved UP the charts this week.

4. The All-American Rejects-"Gives You Hell"

We are going to "Move Along" from the "Dirty Little Secret" of the shittiness of this song. Hopefully "It Ends Tonight". Fuck I'm clever. It makes me disgusted I know that many All-American Rejects songs though.

5. Eminem, Dr. Dre, and 50 Cent-"Crack a Bottle"

So let me get this straight--three of the most famous hip hop acts of the past 25 years put out a song together. It has been on the chart for six weeks. And this is the first I have heard of it. Wow. Maybe I am just that out of touch. This was the number one song in the country at some point, apparently. On the initial listen, I am unimpressed.

6. Lady GaGa-"Poker Face"

This is potentially the worst song of all time. Just terrible on every level. A review of some of the lyrics:

"I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas Plays/Fold em' let em' hit me raise it baby stay with me (I love it)"

What? This makes no sense. And since "hit me" isn't an option in poker, I can only assume Ms. GaGa should give Chris Brown a call. And what the hell does she love?

"P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face(Mum mum mum mah)/P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face(Mum mum mum mah)"

::Shakes head in disgust::

"Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun"

This is like saying "Driving is not the same without a car."

7. Lady GaGa Featuring Colby O'Donis-"Just Dance"

This is senseless drivel and like the previous GaGa entry has some horrid lyrics, but it is damn catchy. This is a pretty well executed pop song.

8. Taylor Swift-"Love Song"

If you say you don't like this song, you are a liar. A dirty rotten liar. That version the white people rap station plays is fucking terrible, though. Damn radio can't leave anything alone anymore.

9. Soulja Boy Tell Em Featuring Sammie-"Kiss Me Thru the Phone"

Finally, Soulja Boy sings! Will you people STOP LISTENING TO SOULJA BOY. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

10. Kelly Clarkson-"My Life Would Suck Without You"

Realizing she may never recreate the success of "Since You've Been Gone", Clarkson re-releases it with some changed lyrics! Oh--this is supposed to be a different song? Really? Huh. We are really reaching some creative highs here, obviously.

11. Beyonce-"Single Ladies"

Please. Stop. Playing. This. Song. Before. My. Head. Explodes. Maybe. If. You. Weren't. So. Fucking. Annoying. He. Would. Put. A. God. Damned. Ring. On. It.

12. The Fray-"You Found Me"

I have also never heard this song. I'm not even going to look this one up, because I assume it is like every other song by the Fray. Yay for hearing the same songs over and over again.

EDIT: I have been told I heard this song three times in a five hour period on Saturday.

13. Ne-Yo-"Mad"

Somewhere, there is some 13 year old girl who just broke up with her boyfriend crying while listening to this song. How could he do that! She let him under her shirt! (That could be a horribly outdated reference. I really have no idea what the average 13 year old is doing these days. Guh. Let's move on. Quickly.)

14. Britney Spears-"Circus"

It must be a great feeling to know that your famous enough that you can release musical diarrhea like this and still have it chart in top 15.

15. Pink-"Sober"

We get it. You're getting divorced. No one cares.

16. Jason Mraz-"I'm Yours"

My initial reaction to this song is "Meh." That's a strong statement right there.

17. Jamie Foxx Featuring T Pain-"Blame It"

Does Jamie Foxx still act or does he only put out mediocre pop songs about heartache. T Pain is a full two years younger than I am, and is almost certainly richer and more famous than I will be this. How fucking depressing. As if I don't have enough reasons, now I feel bad about myself because of this. Fuck you, T Pain.

18. Keri Hilson Featuring Lil Wayne-"Turnin Me On"

I'm down with anyone who goes on national television with Katie Couric and seems appalled when she mentions his drug use may affect his parenting skills. It is also great when a person with that many face tattoos is wearing a suit and glasses trying to look professional. I think trying to look professional went out the window when you said "Fuck it, I need more ink on my face." However, Wayne needs to learn to say no. You don't have to phone in guest verses for every shitty artist who asks. I am looking at you, Kevin Rudolf.

19. Beyonce-"Diva"

I used to be pretty good with Beyonce. This SASHA FIERCE character, however, really blows. There is nothing wrong with this song per se, but it is uninspired and unmemorable. That is okay for Keri Hilson, but Beyonce can do so much better.

20. Akon Featuring Colby O'Donis and Cardinal Offishall-"Beautiful"

For this song, I am just going to type my running thoughts as I listen to it:

This is Ms. O' Donis' second appearance in the top 20. Who the hell is this bitch? Remember when Akon was going to get arrested for simulating a sex act with an underage girl? What ever happened to that? Is the setting for every Akon song the club? Is Cardinal Offishall ordained with the Catholic Church? I just realized Colby O' Donis is a male. Holy Shit. I would have lost alot of money betting that he was a she. I stopped paying attention to this to look up Colby O'Donis. He is only 19 apparently. I cant wait for his album of shitty R&B songs that I will have to hear on the radio for the next 18 months. The chorus of this song is longer than the verses.

That is all I have the heart to do right now. These songs are incredibly terrible. With the exception of the Fray, I stopped to listen to all of them, and I am really considering going to stand in the middle of the street right now.

Join me later this week, when I round out the top 40 (I'm like mother fucking Kasey Kasem over here) and realize that Toby Keith and Keith Urban are NOT the same person!

The New Jersey Devils

2009-03-02T00:37:00.004-05:00

::Caution-contains hockey discussion. Feel free to skip like 97% of the American population::

Rival teams I dislike usually fit a profile. Large payrolls. Championship pedigrees. Douchebag players. Insufferable fans. The New Jersey Devils only fit one of these four parameters. I think this makes me hate them more.

The Devils don't spend money. Even in the pre-cap NHL when Bobby Clarke would ejaculate millions on fourth line centers for their ability to win faceoffs, god damned Lou Lamoriello would spend half of what the Flyers did and assemble a team of 19 people no one has ever heard of and Marty Brodeur. And they fucking beat us. All the fucking time. They are efficient and well run. A model franchise, really. Assholes.

The Devils currently have three players I can name off the top of my head. Brodeur, Zach Parise, and Patrik Elias. I only know Parise because I recently was looking at stats and he is top five in the league in goals and points. Who the fuck is Zach Parise? I guess I am supposed to hate this guy, but I don't know why. I don't even know who he is. I can give you 20 page dissertations on why I hate Jose Reyes and Eli Manning, as I assume most Philadelphians can, but Zach Parise could walk down Broad Street with his cock hanging out and no one would know who he is.

I mean, Marty fucked his wife's sister, and that is funny to me, and he seems like an asshole in general. But I don't really despise him. Sure, I hate them for simply being the Devils, but it isn't nealry as fun without vile individuals. This is what it must have been like to root against the Soviets. The Devils best comparision in the fucking Soviet Union. At least they used to have Scott Stevens. There is a person worth hating. Without Stevens, they are just a faceless conglomeration that is winning at an impressive clip. Assholes.

The most frustrating part of hating the New Jersey Devils is that the Devils don't really have fans. There is nobody to project all this hatred and anger on. There are fucking Mets and Giants fans everywhere. They are like the cockroaches that will survive after the nuclear holocaust. But not Devils fans. You would think a good place to locate them would be the damned championship parades they have. You know, they ones they have IN THE MEADOWLANDS PARKING LOT. Unfortunately, even then only six or seven people show up.

I know one person who claims to be a Devils fan. He bought a ticket to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals against Anaheim. He bought them the day of the game. What a pathetic fanbase. Yet they have been blessed with championships and constant successful teams. Assholes.

If you are unconvinced on why to hate the Devils, despite all their winning, I remind you that they brought the trap to the NHL. Assholes. God damned fucking assholes.

February

2009-02-03T18:48:00.003-05:00

The only good thing about February is that it is short. February is, without question, the most depressing month of the year. It is cold, gray, and hopeless. Nothing is going on to be a diversion. It just plain sucks.

Lets look at the events in February starting from the beginning:

The Super Bowl. Usually a gigantic disappointment, made worse by the Eagles inability to make it to the title game. Signals the end of football for eight months.

Groundhog Day. My fucking god is this fucking stupid. I wish that groundhog would drop dead one morning. I wonder what that would signify? Hopefully death for the entire damn town that stages this stupid event. Made worse recently by these god damned Gus the Groundhog commercials.

Valentine's Day. The only day worse than 12/25 is 2/14. The worst of all Hallmark holidays, Valentine's Day brings no positives to any male. As far as I can tell, Valentine's Day goes one of three ways, depending on what stage of relationship you are in. If you are in a long term relationship, unless you are asking this bitch to marry you, Valentine's Day can't go well. You are expected to outdo whatever mindless display you put on last year. If you disappoint, you have to deal with angry girlfriend for a while. No sex for you. If you succeed, You just make next year more difficult for yourself. If you are just starting a relationship and fuck this up, the relationship is pretty much over. If you go too over the top, you are expected to be this way all of the damn time. No pressure here. If you are single, you have to fucking deal with all your friends who are not single. Fuck its annoying.

Presidents Day. Going to Catholic school, we never had this day off. Fuck you, public school kids.

February really is an abyss with nothing going on. Football is over. The tournament is a month away. Trees, flowers, grass? All dead. No promise of the New Year shit like January has. No hope of spring and warm days like March and April have. No summer time activities like May through August. September? Weather is still nice, football starts. October? Beauty of fall and all that crap. Baseball playoffs. November? Thanksgiving. December? Days off galore. February? Depression.

February sucks so bad people don't even bother to say it right. It is Feb-ru-ary. But every one says its Feb-u-ary. And why is that? Because Feb-ru-ary is alot harder to say. Who does February think it fucking is trying to be so damned difficult? The only thing worse than February is a Tuesday is February....

Tuesdays

2009-02-03T18:36:00.003-05:00

Everyone always bitches about Mondays, but I think they are morons. People have whined about Mondays so long, that you end up spending most of Monday complaining it is Monday. Nothing actually gets done and the day moves quickly. Plus, you have two days of doing nothing to prepare for Mondays. In my heady days being employed, I would spend Monday bitching about it being Monday, comparing weekends with coworkers, and catching up on messages from the weekend. Tuesdays, on the other hand, required work. Real, actual, terrible work. Fucking Tuesdays.

Tuesdays are just there. Stuck in the middle of the week, with no promise to offer. Have you ever heard anyone say "I can't wait for Tuesday!". Of course you haven't, because Tuesdays are fucking awful.

When was the last time a good TV show came on Tuesdays? Look at the shows on the four major networks at 8 PM on Tuesdays. Homeland Security USA? Biggest Loser: Couples? NCIS? American Idol? It is all mindless shit! The networks recognize that Tuesday has broken you down so badly you will watch any garbage they put on the air.

Sports must be on. Well, this time of the year ESPN has college basketball every night. Mondays you get the Big East and Big 12. Wednesdays you get the ACC and Big East. Tuesdays? Tuesdays you get the Big Ten and SEC. The fucking Big Ten and SEC. White kids and football schools. Who is hyped for tonights doubleheader of Ohio St./Purdue and Florida/South Carolina? You were more interested in Uconn/Louisville last night and Duke/Clemson tomorrow?

Fucking Tuesday.

Post Game Live

2009-01-12T15:13:00.003-05:00

Post Game Live is the Eagles post game show on Comcast SportsNet. You would think this is something I would enjoy. You would be very wrong.

The four assholes that are on this show absolutely ruin it. They are horrible as individuals, but as a group they are the worst thing on TV since Rosie O'Donnell's variety show.

I have never met anyone who likes Michael Barkann. He is absolutely useless. He is a douchebag of the highest order. He thinks its impressive that he talked to Jimmy Rollins the night before the Eagles played the Giants. I think its impressive that his assface has been on TV for ten fucking years without and original thought.

Ray Didinger apparently is in some sort of Hall of Fame. R Diddy, as Barkann calls him (have I mentioned how much I despise Barkann), is the most negative negadelphian that ever did negate. After the 44-6 win over Dallas, he complained that they didn't run enough. THEY JUST WON BY 38 POINTS YOU GERIATRIC FUCKTARD. After yesterday's win over the Giants, "R Diddy" finally confessed that maybe Andy has figured his team out. Thanks, douche.

Next on the panel is the Governor of Pennsylvania. That isn't a nickname for Ed Rendell, he actually is the Governor of Pennsylvania. He also ran the DNC a few years ago. No wonder the Republicans were in power for so damned long. Rendell is the epitome of the reactionary Philadelphia fan. I think he checks 610 before going on TV to give his "analysis". He is most famous for taking credit for starting the snowball fight during the Eagles/Dallas game in '89.

Rounding out this god awful group is two time Super Bowl champion Vaughn Hebron. Vaughn brings an ex-player's view. I guess he is also supposed to bring street cred with his shoutouts to the tailor of his fucking eyesores of suits and flashy fucking jewelry. Its like CSN couldn't afford Deion Sanders so they got his much, much less talented contemporary. He also refers to the Eagles as "we" while wearing his Broncos Super Bowl ring. Vaughn Hebron should die in a grease fire.

PGL also send Derrick Gunn (D Gunn as Barkann, the Guv, and R Diddy call him. Fucking christ I hate this show) to do interviews with players as they leave the locker room. Gunn is a professed Packer fan, and at times in the past has clearly rooted against the Eagles. Derrick Gunn, in a word, blows. He asks dumb questions and tried to act like he is the player's friend. Hey Derrick: I am pretty sure they hate you.

In all, I feel about PGL like the Mets feel like winning divisions. I try to avoid it at all costs.

The Meadowlands

2009-01-12T14:53:00.002-05:00

The 2008/2009 Magical Playoff Mystery Tour led us to the Meadowlands led in North Jersey. Lovely trash pile you see on the Turnpike a few miles short of the stadium, by the way.

At around 11:30, we were 2 miles from exit 16W. Despite having a parking pass, we missed the opening kickoff. What a fucking shitshow. It took nearly two hours to move two miles, park, and get through security.

After the expected "Fuck you"s and "Fuck the Eagles" walking up to section 309, we were more or left alone despite wearing Eagles jerseys. It wasn't that cold. It was rather damn enjoyable for the most part.

The best exchange of the afternoon came after the game was, for the most part, decided. A Giants fan was passively aggressively complaining about the situation the row behind us, saying things like "Weren't these the people booing McNabb a few weeks ago?" (Apparently he forgot how he felt about Eli and Coughlin midway through last year). As the SuperFan was leaving with 4 minutes left, he kept saying "Go Cardinals". Ignoring my own advice, I retaliated with "Go home". At which point he breaks out...

"I hope you get in an accident on the turnpike and die. I want to read about it in the paper tomorrow."

The whole section was overtaken with an awkward silence. It was fantastic.

Leaving was jubilant, as it was probably 50/50 in terms of fans remaining. We chilled in the parking lot awhile waiting for the crowd to thin out before discovering the car battery died. After asking a few people for a jump, a Giants fan finally helped. We offered him cash for his services, but he declined saying "We're all Americans". Quite the heartwarming story.

Minnysotah

2009-01-06T16:35:00.004-05:00

Ed. Note: This entry is less angry than usual. If you have an issue with that, go fuck yourself.

When the Eagles qualified for the playoffs last Sunday, Grebe, Hewitt and myself decided to go to Minnesota for the game. What else are three unemployed people going to do? Save money? HA. Our friend of color was also supposed to come, but he pussied out. Asshole.

After originally deciding while drunk that driving out to the great north was the way to go, we realized while sober that was not the case. Unfortunately, flying from Philly to Minneapolis is appallingly expensive. This led to the fantastic itinerary of flying to Philly to Cincy to Madison, then driving to Minneapolis.

I woke up Saturday at 430 AM, which is about when I usually go to sleep. At the Philly airport, the security people examined Grebe's metal knee like he had a turban over it. That was funny to me. We were taking "Delta Connection" flights, meaning no Boeings for us. Shockingly, there was only about 10 people trying to fly to Cincinnati at 730 in the morning.

All you need to know about the Cincinnati airport is that it is in Northern Kentucky, and dangerously close to Southeastern Indiana. Excitement abounded, obviously, during our layover there. I drank, Grebe was excited about the "smoking lounge" and we went to Madison, WI. Home of the Badgers!

The Madison airport was particularly charming with all its 1977ish decor. And the five other people who were there. On an aside, Madison is about as unimpressive as a town can be. We left promptly.

About an hour into the drive through Wisconsin, a few things became abundantly clear. People in Wisconsin love cheese. It is also the indoor waterpark capital of the world. They are fucking everywhere. The whole way up 94 There was farms and water slides as far as the eye can see. This is also when the ice storm began.

Here on the East Coast, ice and snow means plowing and salting of major roadway. Not so in Wisconsin/Minnesota. Apparently a few inches of ice and snow isn't worth salting the road. Or driving below 60, despite the graveyard of cars off to the side of the road. This made a four hour drive a seven hour drive.

When arriving in Minneapolis, we ate at Applebee's because it was connected to the hotel. Here, we learned our first lesson of Minneapolis. They all talk like they do in Fargo. Minneysotah is the best way I can it in type. These people are also absurdly friendly. More on that later. Further, there is an abundance of skinny blondes running around. It was disorienting.

Later we went to the bar where the bartender asked "What can I get ya boys?" in as thick of a South Canada accent as possible. Beer was cheap, and these people were jacked up because the Gopher hockey team won. And Sidney Crosby got into a fight. They love hockey.

When Tim and I went to get breakfast Sunday morning, the temperature was -1 and the wind chill was -19. It got COLDER throughout the day. What the fuck kind of weather is this?

The Metrodome is very loud. Louder than the Linc or Giants Stadium. The meanest thing said me however was "You people booed Michael Irvin, eh? That isn't very friendly. Go back east, eh". The people sitting behind us welcomed us to Minnesota. They readily admitted that we were the better team. The people were uncomfortably nice. While leaving, some guy behind us complained that he came to the game instead of ice fishing for walleye. He was joking. I think.

Driving back to the Madison airport, we bought cheese and Cranberry wine, since these items seemed to be what you need to buy when in Central Wisconsin. That is if you aren't going to ride the waterslides, of course.

Madison is where I found about Pat Burrell. Go to hell Ruben Amaro.

When we landed in Philly around 10:30 PM Monday, the wind chill was more than sixty degrees higher than it was in Minneapolis on Sunday. Again, what the hell is the deal with that weather.

In closing:

1. We win!
2. I have attended a playoff victory by all four professional Philly sports teams since April
3. Minnesota is cold. And they talk funny.

Jewelry Store Commercials

2008-12-21T13:36:00.002-05:00

I rarely watch commercials because they all suck. However, whenever I happen to catch commercials they seem to be for jewelry stores. I guess because I am watching sports and this is supposed to let me know that girls like jewelry. And gifts! Like I don't know this already. I guess they think I am fucking stupid.

The worst is the Jared commercials. First of all, "He went to Jared" is the dumbest fucking slogan I have ever heard. Second, I don't think it is possible for the women in these commercials to be more vapid. They seem like real whores. Third, if I am on a date with a chick and she is texting her friends details of everything I am giving her, she can go fuck herself. What a bitch. And the whores send a picture of themselves asking if the guy has brothers since he is so fucking great, and the guy thinks this is funny. No one deserves these jizz rags more than this guy.

The Kay commercial with the deaf girl is also awful. This guy is dating a deaf girl and his sign language sucks? That is horrible. Put some effort into it, jerkoff. You supposedly are in love with this girl and you can't spend a weekend learning sign language. I think my fucking 12 year old nephew learned sign language during 4th period last week. He finally learns something and learns Merry Christmas? What a useless sign to learn. You are going to marry this chick and can't communicate with her, but at least you can say Merry Christmas!

Just put my fucking football game back on, I'm not buying any goddamned jewelry. Especially not for whores or the deaf. But if I find a deaf whore, all bets are off.

People at Stores

2008-12-18T22:04:00.007-05:00

Have you been to a public place lately? Its like a fucking leper colony out there. A week before the bastardly holiday that shall not be named, I headed out so a few local stores. I needed some shit and I would not be stopped by the insane people that crawl out of their holes this time of year. Below, I rank the attractiveness of people at each store, from best to worst.

Target

Ah, my old stomping grounds. Despite the awful job being done by the current cartboy (they could never adquately replace me), the clientele at Target is way above anywhere else I visited. Except for the frightening bitch who was blocking the candy canes from everyone else with pure sugar induced hatred in her eyes, people seemed sane, put together, and occasionally attractive.

Target also was the place most likely to have attractive cashiers (almost) in my age range. In hindsight, I really wasted opportunities when I worked there. The registers reek of teenage angst and repressed sexuality. Fuck I was a useless teenager. Of course I searched out the aisle of the best looking girl. And if you say you don't do that, you are a dirty fucking liar. It isn't like I am in some sort of hurry. Plus, I really hate the smell of Polident. And other dudes.

Modell's

The Modell's crowd was mostly mothers/grandmothers looking for something to buy their sons/grandsons. Not the greatest looking people, but not horrid. I have relatively little beef with these people, except when they try to write checks. Why old people think it is still socially acceptable to write checks is beyond me. The check pisses off the cashier, the person behind you, the bank, and god himself. GET A FUCKING DEBIT CARD.

The Modell's parking lot also meant trying to park and drive in a crowded parking lot. Jesus fucking christ is that a terrible experience. People who stop where they think there should be a stop sign but is no stop sign should be eliminated from society.

7-11

Ever wonder the kind of people who are in 7-11 at 9:30 on a Thursday? People like me, thats who. The 7-11 is generally filled with teenaged (I am teenaged mentally) slackers, buying slurpees, cigarettes and taquitos. Even the damn cashier was someone in the 18-21 age range who wanted to be anywhere but that 7-11. There isn't much to say about the people in the 7-11. They are mostly just there.

Best Buy

My god, Best Buy the bastion for people who have been rejected by every other sociatial group. I don't know who is scarier, the employees or the customers. I will now list the people you encounter at Best Buy.

1. The fat guy in shorts. Look, I have no problem with fat people. I once was a fat person. Shit happens, I get it. BUT PUT ON SOME GOD DAMNED PANTS. Its 30 degrees out, asshole. Unsurprisingly, FGIS is buying something related to World of Warcraft, and seen hovering in the video game aisle. He is also there with his friend...

2. Skinny guy in black. Why do video game nerds always travel in a fat/skinny combo? And why does the fat guy never shutup while the skinny guy never talks. Why do I always end up behind these people in line? Fucking mystery.

3. Technology guy who thinks he's better that you. Yeah asshole, I am buying a CD. I know I can burn it, but I have been burdened with this fucking gift card and have to buy something so stop snickering at me. Every employee at Best Buy thinks he is better than you. They also all have douchetastic facial hair. Its okay though, because TGWTHBTY hasn't seen a boob not on a computer screen since his mother finished nursing him.

4. Yokel amazed by technology. I don't know if it's at all Best Buys or just my local one, but the yokel/trailer park contingent is huge. It is like a celebration of NASCAR and poor hygiene in there. Anyway, these people are amazed by things like digital cameras. So amazed, that they bring the entire family with them to look at it. I don't think I have ever seen a yokel travel alone. They then cap their big day out at the technological store by buying a vacuum or microwave. Yokels are the only people who buy such items at Best Buy. I guess that is the equivalent of cutting edge technology to a yokel.

Other things commonly seen in Best Buy include: mustaches (men and women), track suits, ugly people.

Bob Salmi

2008-12-10T23:32:00.002-05:00

If you don't know, Bob Salmi is the color man for Sixers basketball on Comcast SportsNet. He is awful at his job. Salmi replaced Steve "The Mayor" Mix last season, despite Steve Mix being good at his job and Salmi sucking balls at it.

Salmi first appeared on CSN when he would do spots on DNL as "The coach in the truck" and the truck is where he should have fucking stayed. Despite this team being a gigantic disappointment, Salmi continues to claim he sees "improvement" and claims it is "going to take time". THE SEASON IS 25% FINISHED, JACKASS. Salmi has secured his job for being the biggest fucking homer he can possibly be.

Bob also has a belief that Andre Miller is the second coming of Magic Johnson. It would be a good comparision, except Miller is significantly shorter and much less talented. Salmi likes to say Miller "gives this Sixer team what it needs". That need seems to be mediocre point guard play and a losing record. Salmi has to get a new pair of pants everytime Miller shot fakes. Bob monotonely exclaims that Miller has "the best shot fake in the NBA". Nothing gets Bob more jacked up than watching Andre Miller get enveloped by another sweaty man. Game winning shot? Bob has nothing to say because he is still pleasuring himself over that sweet pump fake three quarters ago.

The word Salmistrator is enough to make me want to punch someone in the face. In their infinite wisdom, Comcast thought it might ease the pain of watching Andre Iguodala drive into the lane and dribble the ball off his foot if Marc Zumoff and Salmi giggle like school girls every night about clever wordplay. While breaking down Iggy's before mentioned failure, we have to watch Bob Salmistrate (Ed. Note: I am currently shaking with anger over having to type that stuping fucking term) his thoughts on the play on the telestrator. Sorry, Salmistrator. It usually sounds something like this:

"And here Andre Iguodala (Never Andre or Iguodala. Always Andre Iguodala. This also pisses me the fuck off. Just in case there is another Iguodala on the floor, Bob lets us know he means Andre Iguodala) drives by his defender, but he lacks the exceptional shot fake of Andre Miller...(pause to clean self up)....so the play breaks down. It is going to take some time before Andre Iguodala can improve enough to give this Sixer team what it needs."

Fucking Salmistrator.

In short, I hope Bob Salmi rots in hell where he can never see Andre Miller shot fake ever again. The Dockers corporation may become bankrupt, however.

Christmas

2008-12-08T20:25:00.002-05:00

I hate Christmas on so many levels.

It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment I started to hate Christmas. I know it was pretty hyped when I got that Sega Genesis when I was ten. I also know I hated this horrible season by the time I was 18.

It probably started when I was expected to buy things for other people. And not just five dollar gifts for my parents I bought with their money at the school Christmas Bazaar. People actually expected shit from me. It became especially stressful when I had a girlfriend for six years and she would never tell me what the hell she wanted. I had to "figure it out". Bullshit. That was alot of pressure for a teenager. It was the difference between getting laid and getting a blowjob or just getting laid, and this was a serious problem when I was 18. No wonder the two of us ended hating each other.

It also pisses me off when people ask me what I want, I say cash, and they won't just fucking give me cash. They want to get me something I really want. You know what I want? You to give me fifty bucks so I can buy booze. If you want to cut out the middle man and just buy me two cases of natty and a bottle of jack instead of giving me 50 bucks, fine. But I don't want a fucking DVD or mall gift card.

Then I worked retail on Black Friday. What the hell is wrong with you people? People lined up outside Target at 5 AM in freezing weather so they can buy a video game for 20 bucks. Idiots. Nothing like being berated by a middle aged hag as you check out a dvd player for her ungrateful snot of a son. This is what is wrong with America.

And then people act like its okay to treat each other like shit for 11 months, as long as they are nice for the 4 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Its the "spirit of the season". What the hell does that mean? Why are you people so happy? Its goddamn cold out, and its only getting colder. Its dark at fucking 4:30 PM. This month sucks. I don't like you people January through November, some icicle lights aren't going to change my mind.

Christmas music sucks balls. There is like seven Christmas songs, and just having somebody else sing it doesn't make it better. And the stations that start playing nothing but Christmas music on November 1st should be burnt to the ground. There is only so many times I can hear Bing Crosby followed by Mariah Carey before I want to blow my brains in. The only Christmas song I kind of like is Last Christmas, and that is by fucking Wham. Fuck you Christmas for making me like a Wham song. I don't even really like it, it is just so much better than a Backstreet Boy Christmas or whatever else pop shit they play now that it looks like the fucking Beatles in comparison.

Damn I hate Christmas, and its only December 8th. More on this to come, I am sure.