What an impossible year to pick the NCAAs. I can’t remember a year with so many schizophrenic teams. Georgetown could win every game or lose the first one. Michigan State has top 5 talent and maybe the best tournament coach, but has been brutal lately. Kentucky is talented as hell, but depends on a bunch of freshman. It is even further complimented by the ton of double champions (meaning they won the regular season and conference tournaments) in the smaller leagues. This means some teams that would usually be 11s or 12s are pushed back a line or two. Pretty much all the 13s can play, which isn’t always the case. Regardless, I am going to try this again, hopefully with better results than last year. I am providing a pick for every game plus Pomeroy’s predicted scores for Round 1. As an added bonus, I have yet to fill out a bracket yet, so this is my first shot. Should go well.
FIRST ROUND
MIDWEST REGION
Kansas v. Lehigh
Pomeroy: KU 90-63
If Lehigh was still the Engineers, they would have a better chance. I want to start this off with some terrible news and let everyone know that this game is a constant coverage game for CBS in Philly. Meaning that no matter how much Kansas is destroying them, CBS won’t switch away. Fuck.
UNLV v. Northern Iowa
Pomeroy: NIU 58-57
Classic 8/9 toss-up. Both defensive minded teams, so points should be at a premium. The Rebs have better wins and a more experienced coach, so I reluctantly take them.
Michigan State v. New Mexico State
Pomeroy: MSU 83-71
New Mexico State is really overseeded here. I have no idea why they are a 12. They are 222nd in defensive efficiency, which is putrid. Michigan State would have been ripe for a 12/5 upset, but not to a team who doesn’t play any defense.
Maryland v. Houston
Pomeroy: Maryland 90- 76
Houston led the nation in not turning the ball over, which is nice. But they don’t play any defense either. Maryland may hang a hundred points here. Unless Aubrey Coleman scores 50, I can’t see Houston winning this one.
Tennessee v. San Diego State
Pomeroy: Tennessee 65-64
Finally, this tournament gets interesting. The Vols are very good at home, not so much anywhere else. SDSU had the same efficiency margins in conference as New Mexico, who is a 3 seed in this tournament. Bruce Pearl has been a brutal tournament coach; Steve Fisher has been to 3 Final Fours. Granted, it has been awhile, but he hasn’t exactly had a big job lately either. The game is in Providence, which is not ideal for the Aztecs, but isn’t scheduled to start until 10PM so it is a bit of a wash. Gimme SDSU.
Georgetown v. Ohio
Pomeroy: Gtown 78-66
Ohio was the 9 seed in the MAC. Gtown was the 8 seed in the Big East. That doesn’t mean anything, but I found it interesting. Georgetown plays down to opponents, but they won’t in the NCAAs, right? Right?
Oklahoma State v. Georgia Tech
Pomeroy: Tech 72-69
Georgia Tech has two legitimate NBA players in the post with Favors and Lawal. The problem is, their guards forget they are on the court sometime. James Anderson won the Player of the Year in a conference with Kansas and Texas in it and you didn’t hear a single complaint. Should be a close game, but when in doubt take the team with the best guard: Okie State moves on.
Ohio State v. UC Santa Barbara
Pomeroy: OSU 76-58
Welcome to the Dance, Gauchos! Have you met Evan Turner?
WEST REGION
Syracuse v. Vermont
Pomeroy: Cuse 82-65
TJ Sorrentine is not in the parking lot! If you don’t know what I am talking about, YouTube “TJ Sorrentine Syracuse” and enjoy the dulcet tones of a giddy Gus Johnson.
Gonzaga v. Florida State
Pomeroy: FSU 67-63
Florida State leads the country in defensive efficiency. That’s great, but unfortunately they can’t make shots, can’t make free throws and are near the bottom in turnovers. Gonzaga doesn’t force any turnovers, so that could help. I lean Florida State here, but I am not happy about it. I just don’t think much of the ‘Zags.
Butler v. UTEP
Pomeroy: Butler 65-63
This is a brutal matchup for a team that has won 20 straight games. Butler looked uncomfortable with expectations early in the season, but finally settled in and was never really challenged running the table in their conference. Butler struggles with post scorers, and UTEP has one that was a top recruit at one point in Derrick Caracter. I like this spot for the 5/12 upset as the Miners move on.
Vanderbilt v. Murray State
Pomeroy: Vandy 73-70
Murray State was my upset pick before the bracket came out. The Racers can flat out shoot and they play quickly. The problem is the turn the ball over some, but they got a decent matchup here as Vandy doesn’t force many turnovers. If you had any questions about how brutal the top of the middle of this field is, but how talented the 12s and 13s are, here are a 5/12 game and 4/13 that, based on efficiency, are expected to be decided by a combined 5 points. Vandy has been freakishly good in close games, which is sometimes more an indicator of luck than any ability. I hate to set-up a 12/13 second round game, but I am taking Murray State.
Xavier v. Minnesota
Pomeroy: Xavier 74-73
The middle part of this region has serious blowup potential, as this is a classic case of a perennial successful coach meeting a rookie head coach. I like Xavier though. They have been playing well and Jordan Crawford will be the best player on the court.
Pitt v. Oakland
Pomeroy: Pitt 74-62
If a Panther and a Grizzly Bear fought, I assume the bear would win. I’m not sure though, as the panther would have all sorts of agility advantages. These are the kind of things zoos should be putting on. I would pay some serious cash to watch a Panther fight a Grizzly. Not so interested in watching these Panthers beat these Grizzlies, though.
BYU v. Florida
Pomeroy: BYU 78-71
BYU is woefully underseeded. They have lost five games all season, but to just three teams, and all three of those teams were at-larges in this tournament (New Mexico, UNLV and Utah State.) Three of those losses were by 4 points or less. They rebound well, they are the best free throw shooting team in the country and shoot over 40% from threes. Welcome back to the tournament, Billy Donovan. You’ll be back in Gainesville by Thursday night.
Kansas State v. North Texas
Pomeroy: KSU 85-65
The Mean Green will not be in this tournament long. I hate to look ahead, but Pomeroy has BYU 7th and K State 9th overall. That game is going to be a war.
EAST REGION
Kentucky v. East Tennessee State
Pomeroy: Kentucky 77-60
Moving on.
Texas v. Wake Forest
Pomeroy: Texas 77-72
Both these teams have been terrible for a long time. Texas, once number one, is now not ranked. Wake, once looking like the biggest competitor to Duke in the ACC, have lost 5 of 6. Dino Gaudio has never won a post-season tournament game despite wearing white in all of them. Texas I guess. This game blows.
Temple v. Cornell
Pomeroy: 63-58
Temple’s major problem was not being underseeded, as they probably should have been a 4 but there is a minor difference between a 4 and a 5. Temple’s major problem is they are playing an underseeded team that is also the best 3 point shooting team in the country and played Kansas to the wire in Lawrence. The Owls should defend themselves into the next round, though.
Wisconsin v. Wofford
Pomeroy: Wisconsin 63-52
Wofford plays ridiculous defense, and I was ready to pick the Terriers if they had gotten an offense only team. But they did not. They are 19-1 since starting 7-7, but the Badgers should advance here.
Marquette v. Washington
Pomeroy: Marquette 73-72
I have a question. If an A-10 team or C-USA team or some other high mid-major team had won 7 in a row, six away from home, was 24-9 and third in the conference standings before winning the conference tournament, plus had hung with Georgetown and at Texas Tech early in the year when they were still otherwise struggling, wouldn’t they be a HUGE upset pick over an undersized Big East team that manages to win or lose every game by 2-5 points? I think they would be. The Pac-10 sucked this year but it wasn’t the MEAC. I like the Huskies.
New Mexico v. Montana
Pomeroy: NMU 72-65
Let’s talk Lobo. Wins over Cal, Texas A&M, Dayton, UNLV, San Diego St. and twice against BYU. Darington Hobson is good. Very good, even. As is Dariese Gray at the point. Before losing a close one to San Diego St. in the MWC semifinals, they were 9-0 in games decided by five points or less. NINE AND OH. There is a shit ton of luck involved in that. They don’t turn the ball over, which helps in close game, but they don’t shoot free throws well, which doesn’t. They, like Butler, have a lot of trouble guarding big guys, but they got placed in a 4 team pod with no tall guys. They’ll win this game, but they are a shockingly weak three seed. If you are bored, read the life story of Anthony Johnson on Montana. It was already pretty amazing and then he went for 42 in the Big Sky title game.
Clemson v. Missouri
Pomeroy: Clemson 70-69
Oliver Purnell is now 0-6 as a coach in the NCAA tournament. I refuse to pick his team to win a game until they win one. Both these teams play up tempo and press, so it should be interesting anyway.
West Virginia v. Morgan State
Pomeroy: WVU 78-61
West Virginia, despite being 5th on the S curve, is in the 7th hole since they were “rewarded” by getting to stay in the East and playing their regionals in a Big East arena. Judging by Bob Huggins interview with Andy Katz yesterday, he does not feel rewarded. Todd Bozeman coaches Morgan State and has some serious Bruce Pearl potential as a formerly disgraced coach who becomes a media darling.
SOUTH REGION
Duke v. Winthrop/Arkansas Pine-Bluff
Pomeroy: Winthrop over APB 57-55
Winthrop robbed this tournament of the Coastal Carolina Chancitillers and their big blue chicken mascot. For this I hate them. Pine Bluff started the season 0-11. All 11 were road games, 8 against BCS schools and 5 against tournament teams. They fought back to be double champion of their conference and get rewarded by being sent to the play in game. Thank God Minnesota is in this tournament! God forbid those kids from APB get to experience the actual tournament!
California v. Louisville
Pomeroy: Cal 78-75
This should be a fun game. Both teams have a lot of talent and after disappointingly slow starts, played better down the stretch. A lot of those early Cal losses were without Jerome Randle, and they scored at a shocking pace in the Pac 10. Edgar Sosa will decide this game. He could be great or he could be terrible and he could be both in the same half. I think he plays well as a senior and the Cardinals advance.
Texas A&M v. Utah State
Pomeroy: Utah St. 73-72
Innnnnteresting Pomeroy results. Last year his system picked 12 Wisconsin over 5 Florida State and it was right. Pomeroy is extremely useful for what it is; efficiency ratings only adjusted for schedule strength. It is sometimes worth looking into deeper. Pomeroy actually likes A&M, having them at 23, which is right about where they are seeded. He just happens to REALLY like Utah St., having them at 20. So let’s look at the Aggies from Utah. They beat BYU by ten, just one of two occurrences of the Cougars losing comfortably all season. They won 16 in a row before losing the WAC title game, but most of that was against inferior competition. They shoot the hell out of the ball though. Over 40% from three, over 52% from two and over 76% from the line. That’s insanely good and primarily why Pomeroy loves them. They also turn the ball over on only 16% of their possessions, which is the 13th best rate in the nation. So in a game that is basically a toss-up, I take the best player. Donald Sloan, come on down! But if you aren’t thrilled with any of the other 12 over 5s, you could do a lot worse than taking Utah State here.
Purdue v. Siena
Pomeroy: Purdue 71-65, but doesn’t mean much without Hummel.
I want to pick Siena without thinking, and that is the popular pick for good reason. Siena has won tournament games the last two years, once as a 13 seed. Purdue scored 11(ELEVEN?!?) first half points against Minnesota in the Big Ten Tournament. But if E’Twaun Moore and JaJuan Johnson haven’t completely lost hope, Purdue is still the better team. Siena played the MAAC tourney at home and was losing at half of all three games. Its certainly possible they were just bored, but it isn’t exactly inspiring confidence. Picking Purdue here is probably the upset pick. I am going to bet this trip to Spokane breaks whatever spirit the Boilers have left and Siena wins. But meh.
Notre Dame v. Old Dominion
Pomeroy: ODU 65-64
This is a another slightly misleading Pomeroy score, since Notre Dame played a completely different style in their first 25 games as they did in the last 10. What isn’t misleading is that ODU can really play and may be a bit underseeded. This is a game that will be close and played in the 50s. ODU is kind of a brutal shooting team though, so I give the edge to the Irish.
Baylor v. Sam Houston State
Pomeroy: Baylor 82-69
Baylor is a chic Final Four pick, and for good reason. They have guards, they have bigs and they have two legit NBA players. SHSU spells Bearcats with a k. Bearkats. They can’t win with a mascot like that.
Richmond v. St. Mary’s
Pomeroy: St. Mary’s 68-67
Interesting game. Both pass the eye test better than the numbers test, despite both having effectively jobbed the RPI system as all mid-majors were taught to do by the MVC in 2006. Richmond will depend on their guards and system, as Coach Chris Mooney comes from the Princeton school. St. Mary’s will throw it to Omar Samhan who will get like 20-12 in this game. Kevin Anderson is a volume scorer, taking about 30% of Richmond’s shots. Both have a handful of good wins and have proven that they can beat good teams. If this game was being played in Dubuque, Iowa I would favor the Gaels, but it’s in Providence at 3 in the afternoon, or about noon in the heads of the St. Mary’s players. Richmond in a good one.
Villanova v. Robert Morris
Pomeroy: Nova 86-67
I used the financier of the Revolution tidbit last year and that is all I got. I hope we win!
We are at the halfway point and this is already 2500 words. Eat your heart out, Bill Simmons.
SECOND ROUND
Midwest Region
Kansas v. UNLV
I am trying to come up with a way UNLV can win this game. Rampant food poisoning for the Kansas traveling party is all I got. And even then I am not sure Kansas wouldn’t win.
Michigan State v. Maryland
This game is being playing in Spokane so there is no crowd factor. Michigan State has better players but have slept walked through the end of the season. Both coaches have a national title. Izzo has been much more consistently successful in March, obviously. The Spartans turn the ball over a ton, but should get a lot of offensive rebounds in this game. This is a toss-up for me. Vasquez is the best player, give me the Terps.
Georgetown v. San Diego State
Tennessee beat the Hoyas last year, so I think Georgetown would crush them. This is a dangerous game for a team who plays too much to the other team’s reputation and ranking, but I think they will be okay. Picking Georgetown to win games this year is like picking Wake Forest last year. It makes me very uneasy.
Ohio State v. Oklahoma State
Loser has to drop the OSU moniker. Sorry, Cowboys. I had some concerns about Ohio St. in a tournament setting since they only play six guys, but they put that to rest winning the Big Ten Tournament. Oklahoma State can really shoot it and they almost shot Pitt out of the tourney in the second round, but that is their only hope.
WEST REGION
Syracuse v. Florida State
With or without Onuaku, Syracuse should be okay here. Florida State really struggles to score and Syracuse doesn’t, no matter who they are playing. Gonzaga would be a bit more dangerous here for the Orange since they could theoretically score with them, but they should still be fine.
UTEP v. Murray State
Syracuse, much like UConn last year, is going to have a real walk to the Elite Eight. UTEP will be too strong defensively in the paint for Murray St. Prepare for a week of Derrick Caracter career resurrection stories if the Miners make the second weekend.
Xavier v. Pitt
Milwaukee should provide a pretty neutral site for this one. Xavier does a really good job of speeding you up and scoring. Pitt does a really good job of slowing you down keeping you from scoring. Classic clash of styles and since both are guard oriented, I would take Pitt here since the chances Xavier loses in the first round are much higher. A bit of a cop-out, but the middle of this bracket is so….average.
Kansas State v. BYU
This should be great. Such different teams that are very, very good at what they do. Kansas State is ugly basketball made beautiful. K-State fouls and gets fouled at an appalling rate. They are mediocre at best shooting from the floor and aren’t even that from that line. They rebound 40% of their own misses though, which is top 5 in the country. They play great defense. They bring the game to you. BYU plays pretty basketball. They shoot incredibly well. They run a great offense. They are the best free throw shooting team in the country, which is huge here. They don’t turn the ball over, which is also pretty damned helpful. Oklahoma City should provide a decent advantage for the Wildcats, but those Mormons travel like motherfuckers. Either coach or team has a great track record of tournament success. Give me the team that can shoot.
EAST REGION
Kentucky v. Texas
Texas has the talent to compete with Kentucky, so I wouldn’t be surprised to see this game be close at the half. Kentucky should wear them down and out by the end though. John Wall will abuse whoever is playing point guard for Texas so badly it will be tough on the kid’s family.
Temple v. Wisconsin
If you like games in the 40s played in front of a crowd that will be less than rabid, than this is the game is for you. Both these teams will defend hard and well. Neither has showed much proclivity for beating good teams outside their own gyms. Should be a fun last five minutes, with the Badgers eeking one out. Temple got a pretty brutal draw.
Washington v. New Mexico
This game has no juice. No historically great programs. No team with a real chance at a title. No household names on either side. It is being played in San Jose, which is even pretty boring. As mentioned above, New Mexico got a pretty sweet draw and it will carry them to the round of 16.
Missouri v. West Virginia
You just get the feeling that if anyone is going to put a fire under his team’s ass because of a pseudo-snub, it’ll be Bob Huggins. It helps his team is really good.
SOUTH REGION
Duke v. Louisville
This is not a fun game for Duke, at all. Louisville is athletic on the perimeter and Samardo Samuels could have a field day. In years past this would have been a loss for the Devils, but this is the best Duke team in a while. Despite still being a stiff, Zoubek actually serves a valuable purpose this year as he rebounds a higher percentage of his teams misses while he is on the floor than anyone else in the country. The problem is, he has to be on the floor for this to happen. That would lead a lot to the Plumlees guarding Samuels to keep Zoubek low on fouls, which won’t end well. If I could be promised a good performance from Sosa, I would gladly take the Cardinals.. But Duke is better and more consistent on the perimeter, which should carry them through.
Texas A&M v. Siena
Should be competitive, but the Aggies are too quick for Siena. The athleticism edge here is pretty big.
Baylor v. Notre Dame
There is a pretty big athleticism edge for the Big 12 team here as well. Notre Dame has obviously played well as of late, but Baylor can score and they defend the paint vigorously. No player or coach on Baylor has ever won a tournament game. Hell, the program hasn’t won a tournament game in most people’s lifetimes. That scares me, but Baylor should be okay.
Richmond v. Villanova
This is already being talked about as a popular weekend upset. Defending the Princeton offense takes patience and strong defensive fundamentals. Not exactly Villanova’s strong suit. However, Richmond isn’t the kind of team that draws a lot of fouls which helps the Cats. Richmond has no Greg Monroe in the back, meaning that like most teams that run the Princeton system they get killed on the glass. This is made more significant because Villanova rebounds better than you think. Both teams are guard oriented, but Villanova shoots the 3 and free throws better. A10 people seem to think this Richmond backcourt is OMGAMAZINNNNG. And Anderson and Gonzalvez are very good. Both could play in the Big East. But, um, no. Nova plays in the best guard league in the country and this isn’t anything they haven’t seen. Villanova is the 11th fastest team in the country while Richmond is the 294th. So just another A10/Big East pace battle, just reversed. The Spiders also have no bench, which is fine when you play at a snail’s pace but not so great when you have to sprint back on defense. Playing Georgetown twice this year will really help Nova out, methinks. It will be scary, but Reynolds will bail the Cats out in the last four minutes. And if it is St. Mary’s, Nova wins pretty easily.
SWEET 16
MIDWEST REGION
Kansas v. Maryland
I am trying to think of a way that Kansas can lose this game, but all I got is Grevais Vasquez scoring 40 points. Per half. In all seriousness, Maryland defends nowhere near well enough to win this game. Everyone talked about how tough Kansas’ draw is but I think the top of this region is pretty weak. The bottom, on the other hand…
Georgetown v. Ohio State
This should be great. We would now be out of “we should win this game, no effort required” woods for Georgetown, so it is worth mentioning problem number two for the Hoyas: they turn the ball over too much. They give it away slightly more than 20% of possessions on the season. Ohio State forces turnovers at about the same rate. All that was just a fancy way of saying Chris Wright will probably decide this game. You know Evan Turner will be good and Diebler will hit 3s. You know Greg Monroe will be good and Austin Freeman will hit 3s. Both coaches have been to Final Fours. The venue should be neutral. Both teams have national title potential. So what you got Chris Wright? I say not enough. Can’t wait to find out, though.
WEST REGION
Syracuse v. UTEP
UTEP had a pretty solid first weekend draw in which all they had to do was have Randy Culpepper knock down a couple jumpers then throw it to Caracter and get out of the way. That will not work in this game. Syracuse could probably survive through this without Onuaku, but it’s getting hairy.
Pitt v. BYU
Do you know where this game is being played? If not, take a minute to see where the West Regionals are being played. I’ll wait. I know the committee doesn’t project out and BYU could only be in one of two regions due to their inability to play on Sundays, but you better believe Boeheim is rooting against BYU in the first two rounds. Hard. As soon as I saw the bracket, I thought BYU to the 8. Then on Monday, Stewart Mandel of Sports Illustrated picked them to make the Final Four and made my prediction look much less fun.
EAST REGION
Kentucky v. Wisconsin
This will not be fun for Kentucky. They will be guarded everywhere they go for 40 minutes. Cousins might try to bite someone in this game. Wisconsin will slow it down and make Kentucky defend, which John Wall doesn’t really want to do. Every person in the Carrier Dome not from Kentucky will be rooting against them. Kentucky travels better than anybody, but if WVU is also here they will bring almost as many people. Those people go everywhere. I have been waiting all year to pick Kentucky to lose a Sweet 16 game, but this isn’t it. Temple would cause the exact same problems, by the way, but wouldn’t win this game for the same reason the Badgers won’t. I just don’t think they can score enough. Kentucky is too talented not to get theirs no matter how well you defend. All bets are off if Cousins punches someone, though.
West Virginia v. New Mexico
As far as I can tell, West Virginia has every advantage in this game. Better players. Better coach. Better venue for them. They should win pretty easily.
SOUTH REGION
Duke v. Texas A&M
Let’s say you are Duke. The week before the tournament you had to listen to every expert tell you that you can sleepwalk to the Final Four. You arrive in Houston for the regional and you see two teams from Texas and the team that annihilated you in the tournament last year. I think all the talk about how easy this road is for Duke is a bit much. I think Syracuse and Kansas have pretty easy roads to the quarterfinals and Kentucky has a bigger gripe than Duke. It isn’t terrible or anything, but there is problems here. I digress. Duke is the better team and unless A&M really rides the pro Texas crown they aren’t going to win.
Baylor v. Villanova
Terrible personnel matchup for Villanova. Baylor is the tallest team in the country, but they have guards. Tweety Carter is very good. LaceDarius Dunn is even better and 6’4”. Epke Udoh is an NBA player and 6’10”. Quincy Acy defends the rim well at 6’7”. They rebound well. Their 3 point, 2 point and free throw shooting percentages are all in the top 25 nationally. They block 18% of shots attempted against them, which is 5th nationally. Their only playing flaw is they don’t turn the other team over (as in, at all. 309th nationally in forcing turnovers), which means even though they hold teams to low shooting percentages they give up a decent chunk of points. If this game was being played in Houston in the middle of January, it’s a loss for Villanova unless they shoot the ball extremely well. But it isn’t. It is being played at the end of March and it is impossible to predict how Baylor will handle the media involved and the pressure that will be put on them playing in state. I think Baylor wins this game 6 out of 10, so I advance the Bears.
ELITE EIGHT
MIDWEST REGION
Kansas v. Ohio State
Remember last year when UNC was the favorite to win the title but had a Regional Final against the best player in the game? Sounds familiar, no? The result will be the same. If it is Georgetown and not Ohio State I think it will be a closer game but Kansas should beat either without too much trouble.
WEST REGION
Syracuse v. BYU
This is a BYU home game, which is scary. Obviously, Syracuse is the better team and has more talent. BYU is just an average rebounding team, so if the Orange are fully healthy they should kill them on the glass. I think the zone will wear the Cougars down some. Sorry, Mandel. I’m leaving you alone with the Mormons on the BYU Final Four Train.
EAST REGION
Kentucky v. West Virginia
Border War! I think anyway. I’ve almost written 5k words, I don’t feel like looking at a map. West Virginia starts 4 guys between 6’7 and 6’9. I am not sure how they would stop Cousins, but they rebound so ferociously I think they would be okay. Cousins will get his double-double but they can live with that. I do know, however, they will guard John Wall by sending a never-ending wave of 6’7” athletic wing guys at him. These teams are extremely similar. Kentucky has the better players but they are so achingly young. I hate Calipari, but this is the only team that could hang with Kansas and I kind of want to see that. However, I think this game comes down to which of these average shooting teams shoots better. I’ll take WVU as the team who has a majority of players who have played in that goofy dome. I don’t feel great about it, though.
SOUTH REGION
Duke v. Baylor
I just realized I have all 4 one seeds to the eight and reconsidered. Then I remembered this has happened the last two years, so it isn’t that crazy. I think Duke is going to win this game, but fuck it I am taking Baylor. They are long, they can shoot and they should have a pretty partisan crowd behind them. Even knowing how much better and well rounded Duke is this year, I just do not trust them.
FINAL FOUR
Kansas v. Syracuse
Both Kansas losses this year were to teams that wear Orange. Coincidence? I THINK…yeah, probably. How Kansas attacks the zone should be interesting, and Syracuse is certainly really good. But Kansas has the best players, Kansas has the better offense, and Kansas probably has the better defense when they are properly motivated about it. I think the Final Four will motivate them. Jayhawks move on.
West Virginia v. Baylor
Very similar teams in regards to size and athleticism, but that is about it. Baylor has a better offense while the Mountaineers have the much better defense. The rebounding edge also goes to the Mountaineers. Plus, we aren’t in Texas anymore. Huggins finally gets a team to Monday night. Does he wear a suit for the occasion, or does he stay with the windbreaker?
NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP
Kansas v. West Virginia
If you have read this far, why? Also, you know I think this is the Jayhawks title to lose. Anything can happen between now and then, mostly because winning six games in a row against increasingly difficult opponents is hard to do. But the last three teams to win all had something in common: they were the best team. Kansas is the best team. They should win. I think Kentucky is the only reasonable choice to beat them, but I just don’t believe in the youth. I know it has happened before with Carmelo and McNamara, but that feels once in a generation to me. Plus that Syracuse team could shoot threes, while this Kentucky team really can’t.
Let’s quickly recap:
Final Four: Kansas/Syracuse, West Virginia/Baylor
Title Game: Kansas over West Virginia
Nova? Out in the Sweet 16.
Best 1st Round games? Tenn/SDSU, But/UTEP, Vandy/Mry St., Tem/Cor, Marq/Wash, TAM/USU, ND/USU
Best Potential 2nd round games? MSU/Mary, X/Pitt, BYU/KSU, Tem/Wis, Duke/Ville, Nova/Richmond
That’s it, I am done. Here is hoping this all goes to hell and the second weekend is Nova, three 9 seeds and 12 double digit seeds.
1/5/10
Whining and Musing
-If I don't know you or I haven't seen you in awhile, I have long hair. It looks ridiculous. Over the weekend, we played a drinking game that involved taking turns saying what other people have similar hair to mine. My favorite answer was Steve from Full House. Most answers were old hockey players or wrestlers, 80s movie stars and unattractive women.
-We We're Promised Jetpacks!
-I enjoy Scottish indie rock music way more than any person should.
-Listening to 610/97.5 the day after the Eagles get blown out by Dallas is amazing. Some guy went on a five minute tirade today about how Reid and McNabb are an "embarrassment to the city". There is a 97% chance this guy idolizes Buddy Ryan. Such an absurd fanbase. I think it has alot to do with how little Eagles losses bother me these days. Jack, Rush and I basically spent most of the second half Sunday cracking jokes and watching dogs jump into pools on ESPN2.
-You can't tell me watching TV isn't more pleasant without all these Christmas commercials. Unfortunately, only five months until they start again.
-College of Charleston beating North Carolina is just another reason on the long list of reasons college basketball is much better than the NBA. One could argue that college football is better than the NFL if that Boise/TCU game meant something. Boise gets to finish third or fourth! Hooray!
-When does the history channel officially change its name to "2012 Watch". About 75% of their programming is related to the belief that a people who ceased to exist as a civilization 300 years ago have properly assessed that the world is about to self-combust.
-Rudy is currently on. Overrated Notre Dame propaganda.
-I saw the phrases 200hate and 200swine today. That is funny to me.
-Finally, the man stops telling everyone to not do drugs, and just tells us how to do them right. My favorite tip is to prepare your drugs carefully.
-HBO is showing He's Just Not That Into You basically on a loop. I didn't know a movie with so many attractive women trying to get banged could be so awful and uninteresting.
-STEVE HOLT!
-Tucci just woke up, apparently just to lick herself. She then stood up and began circling around the spot she wanted to lay down. Randomly, she stopped, made eye contact with me and took a step forward. She then licked me right across the face. Thanks for that, dog.
-Deadspin recently had a post asking people to list the greatest sports event they attended in the aughts. I could probably write a book on my experiences at Game 5 of the 2008 World Series and the 2009 East Regional Final, probably with some mention to the 2003 NFC Championship Game, and why I cherish one more than the other. Someone get me a book agent.
-That post just led to me staring blankly into space for a good five minutes considering if I should start a blog basically detailing every memorable sports experience I had in the last ten years. It is a pretty extensive and impressive list. I then realized that I would get lazy after the first post and never post again.
-There was a time not too long ago that if an insanely rich heiress to a pharmaceutical fortune mysteriously disappeared and was found dead it would have been shocking. If she was engaged to a bi-sexual woman who had an MTV dating show it would have been even more shocking. In 2010? Seems kind of standard.
-I watched Revolutionary Road on HBO the other day. Still depressed.
-I read Infinite Jest the other month. Still blown away. And confused. Mostly confused. However, I think it says something amazing about such a long book that is so difficult to read that the first things I did after I finished it were a) re-read the first 50 pages then b) spend hours on the interwebz looking for others opinions.
-I listened to the new Vampire Weekend the other month. I like the last 4 tracks. Not sure of the first 6.
-Whenever their is an attractive woman on tv playing poker, my life seems a bit brighter.
-200swine, you will not be missed.
-We We're Promised Jetpacks!
-I enjoy Scottish indie rock music way more than any person should.
-Listening to 610/97.5 the day after the Eagles get blown out by Dallas is amazing. Some guy went on a five minute tirade today about how Reid and McNabb are an "embarrassment to the city". There is a 97% chance this guy idolizes Buddy Ryan. Such an absurd fanbase. I think it has alot to do with how little Eagles losses bother me these days. Jack, Rush and I basically spent most of the second half Sunday cracking jokes and watching dogs jump into pools on ESPN2.
-You can't tell me watching TV isn't more pleasant without all these Christmas commercials. Unfortunately, only five months until they start again.
-College of Charleston beating North Carolina is just another reason on the long list of reasons college basketball is much better than the NBA. One could argue that college football is better than the NFL if that Boise/TCU game meant something. Boise gets to finish third or fourth! Hooray!
-When does the history channel officially change its name to "2012 Watch". About 75% of their programming is related to the belief that a people who ceased to exist as a civilization 300 years ago have properly assessed that the world is about to self-combust.
-Rudy is currently on. Overrated Notre Dame propaganda.
-I saw the phrases 200hate and 200swine today. That is funny to me.
-Finally, the man stops telling everyone to not do drugs, and just tells us how to do them right. My favorite tip is to prepare your drugs carefully.
-HBO is showing He's Just Not That Into You basically on a loop. I didn't know a movie with so many attractive women trying to get banged could be so awful and uninteresting.
-STEVE HOLT!
-Tucci just woke up, apparently just to lick herself. She then stood up and began circling around the spot she wanted to lay down. Randomly, she stopped, made eye contact with me and took a step forward. She then licked me right across the face. Thanks for that, dog.
-Deadspin recently had a post asking people to list the greatest sports event they attended in the aughts. I could probably write a book on my experiences at Game 5 of the 2008 World Series and the 2009 East Regional Final, probably with some mention to the 2003 NFC Championship Game, and why I cherish one more than the other. Someone get me a book agent.
-That post just led to me staring blankly into space for a good five minutes considering if I should start a blog basically detailing every memorable sports experience I had in the last ten years. It is a pretty extensive and impressive list. I then realized that I would get lazy after the first post and never post again.
-There was a time not too long ago that if an insanely rich heiress to a pharmaceutical fortune mysteriously disappeared and was found dead it would have been shocking. If she was engaged to a bi-sexual woman who had an MTV dating show it would have been even more shocking. In 2010? Seems kind of standard.
-I watched Revolutionary Road on HBO the other day. Still depressed.
-I read Infinite Jest the other month. Still blown away. And confused. Mostly confused. However, I think it says something amazing about such a long book that is so difficult to read that the first things I did after I finished it were a) re-read the first 50 pages then b) spend hours on the interwebz looking for others opinions.
-I listened to the new Vampire Weekend the other month. I like the last 4 tracks. Not sure of the first 6.
-Whenever their is an attractive woman on tv playing poker, my life seems a bit brighter.
-200swine, you will not be missed.
12/22/09
Brett Farve: A Decade Long of Playoff Awfulness
I like to fancy myself the original East Coast Brett Favre hater. Sure, it is passe to dislike the man now. And the good people of Chicago, Detroit and Minnesota (HA!) have hated him for close to two decades. But while he was being showered with adoration for feats accomplished in the past during late 90s and early 00s, I was despising him. Often vocally. People usually laughed me down or outright ignored me. Now the majority of Americans agree that Wrangler jeans suck and only losers would endorse them. Since I have your attention, I am ready to take this argument to next logical step.
Brett Favre is the biggest big game choke artist of the decade. It really isn't close and I have the evidence to prove it.
Lets recap Brett's playoff games since the turn of the millennium, shall we?
January 13th, 2002: Packers 25, 49ers 15
Favre: 22-29, 259 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT
Favre was still feeling good in his first playoff game of the decade. Good for him. This was back in the days when nobody had ever won a road playoff game at Lambeau, but our buddy Brett would take care of that soon enough. Admittedly a good start for Brett. Give it seven days.
January 20th, 2002: Rams 45, Packers 17
Favre: 26-44, 281 yards, 2 TD, 6 INT
The 2002 Rams went 14-2 and made the Super Bowl. A good team without question. That Rams team, however, was 26th in turnover differential at -10. They gave the ball up much more than they took it away. Enter the gunslinger! In a classic Favre performance, he threw 6 interceptions, THREE OF WHICH WERE RETURNED FOR TOUCHDOWNS. Just massively awful on the level of Jake Delhomme. The first pick 6 set the tone for the game, giving the Rams a 7-0 lead.
January 4th, 2003: Falcons 27, Packers 7
Favre: 20-42, 247, 1 TD, 2 INT
Remember that no visiting team had ever won a playoff game at Lambeau? Ends here, in what was actually a pretty great Brett playoff loss performance. He only threw two picks! Really took care of the ball. This was against a team he lit up for 37 on opening day. Typical Favre: look huge September and small in January. 2 TD and no picks in the opener.
January 4th, 2004: Packers 33, Seahawks 27
Favre: 26-38, 319, 1 TD, 0 INT
In a game most remembered by Matt Hasselback's declaration at the overtime coinflip that "we want the ball and we are going to score", Brett never saw the field in overtime as Hasselbeck proved he learned well from his one time mentor by throwing a horrific overtime pick 6. Farve played well. This was around the time people starting calling the Packers playoff run fate cause Brett's dad died.
January 11th, 2004: Eagles 20, Packers 17
Favre: 15-28, 180, 2 TD, 1 INT
Now, one might look at those numbers and think that Brett played reasonably well. And they would be correct, at least through regulation. For the second consecutive week, the Packers headed to overtime. Unfortunately for Green Bay, this time Brett had to play. After his defense, who are often blamed for this loss due to 4th and 26, forced the Eagles three and out, Brett the great threw a deep ball off his back foot. It looked more like a punt and landed safely in the arms of Brian Dawkins. No Packers were really around the ball. The Eagles won a few plays later.
January 9th, 2005: Vikings 31, Packers 17
Favre: 22-33, 216, 1 TD, 4 INT
All four picks happened while this was still a very competitive game. Typical Favre shitfest. Most memorable for me because this was when Collinsworth laughed it up saying how great Brett was when he illegally threw that underhand flip into the endzone. Penalties at the goal line are so funny! He's having such a good time! Gunslingin' it around! 4 picks in a home playoff game! Highlights with shitty music and graphics here.
January 12th, 2008: Packers 42, Seahawks 20
Favre: 18-23, 173, 3 TD, 0 INT
After three years away, Brett had his finest playoff moment of the decade. Thank God for the Seahawks or this would be a really ugly list for Brett. This set up a home NFC Championship Game in which the Packers would be huge favorites.
January 19th, 2008: Giants 23, Packers 20
Favre: 19-35, 236, 2 TD, 2 INT
This game went into overtime, and in his last game as a Packer at Lambeau he did this. That is Brett's last pass as a Packer at Lambeau field. A horrendous, back breaking playoff interception. So very appropriate. He put up decent numbers, but, as Brett often does, he loses the game for his team.
In total, we have 8 games. 3-5 record in total and 3-3 at home. 1-5 against team not from Seattle. 14 touchdowns against 18 interceptions. 2 interceptions in overtime that led directly to losses. We aren't even mentioning the December 2008 meltdown or the current mess occurring in Minneapolis. Brett Favre: Decade long playoff choke artist.
But he loves the play the game! All those other more successful quarterbacks are mean old football haters.
Brett Favre is the biggest big game choke artist of the decade. It really isn't close and I have the evidence to prove it.
Lets recap Brett's playoff games since the turn of the millennium, shall we?
January 13th, 2002: Packers 25, 49ers 15
Favre: 22-29, 259 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT
Favre was still feeling good in his first playoff game of the decade. Good for him. This was back in the days when nobody had ever won a road playoff game at Lambeau, but our buddy Brett would take care of that soon enough. Admittedly a good start for Brett. Give it seven days.
January 20th, 2002: Rams 45, Packers 17
Favre: 26-44, 281 yards, 2 TD, 6 INT
The 2002 Rams went 14-2 and made the Super Bowl. A good team without question. That Rams team, however, was 26th in turnover differential at -10. They gave the ball up much more than they took it away. Enter the gunslinger! In a classic Favre performance, he threw 6 interceptions, THREE OF WHICH WERE RETURNED FOR TOUCHDOWNS. Just massively awful on the level of Jake Delhomme. The first pick 6 set the tone for the game, giving the Rams a 7-0 lead.
January 4th, 2003: Falcons 27, Packers 7
Favre: 20-42, 247, 1 TD, 2 INT
Remember that no visiting team had ever won a playoff game at Lambeau? Ends here, in what was actually a pretty great Brett playoff loss performance. He only threw two picks! Really took care of the ball. This was against a team he lit up for 37 on opening day. Typical Favre: look huge September and small in January. 2 TD and no picks in the opener.
January 4th, 2004: Packers 33, Seahawks 27
Favre: 26-38, 319, 1 TD, 0 INT
In a game most remembered by Matt Hasselback's declaration at the overtime coinflip that "we want the ball and we are going to score", Brett never saw the field in overtime as Hasselbeck proved he learned well from his one time mentor by throwing a horrific overtime pick 6. Farve played well. This was around the time people starting calling the Packers playoff run fate cause Brett's dad died.
January 11th, 2004: Eagles 20, Packers 17
Favre: 15-28, 180, 2 TD, 1 INT
Now, one might look at those numbers and think that Brett played reasonably well. And they would be correct, at least through regulation. For the second consecutive week, the Packers headed to overtime. Unfortunately for Green Bay, this time Brett had to play. After his defense, who are often blamed for this loss due to 4th and 26, forced the Eagles three and out, Brett the great threw a deep ball off his back foot. It looked more like a punt and landed safely in the arms of Brian Dawkins. No Packers were really around the ball. The Eagles won a few plays later.
January 9th, 2005: Vikings 31, Packers 17
Favre: 22-33, 216, 1 TD, 4 INT
All four picks happened while this was still a very competitive game. Typical Favre shitfest. Most memorable for me because this was when Collinsworth laughed it up saying how great Brett was when he illegally threw that underhand flip into the endzone. Penalties at the goal line are so funny! He's having such a good time! Gunslingin' it around! 4 picks in a home playoff game! Highlights with shitty music and graphics here.
January 12th, 2008: Packers 42, Seahawks 20
Favre: 18-23, 173, 3 TD, 0 INT
After three years away, Brett had his finest playoff moment of the decade. Thank God for the Seahawks or this would be a really ugly list for Brett. This set up a home NFC Championship Game in which the Packers would be huge favorites.
January 19th, 2008: Giants 23, Packers 20
Favre: 19-35, 236, 2 TD, 2 INT
This game went into overtime, and in his last game as a Packer at Lambeau he did this. That is Brett's last pass as a Packer at Lambeau field. A horrendous, back breaking playoff interception. So very appropriate. He put up decent numbers, but, as Brett often does, he loses the game for his team.
In total, we have 8 games. 3-5 record in total and 3-3 at home. 1-5 against team not from Seattle. 14 touchdowns against 18 interceptions. 2 interceptions in overtime that led directly to losses. We aren't even mentioning the December 2008 meltdown or the current mess occurring in Minneapolis. Brett Favre: Decade long playoff choke artist.
But he loves the play the game! All those other more successful quarterbacks are mean old football haters.
12/21/09
Christmas Commercial Critique: Kay Jewelers
I assume that you have already seen this commercial, because despite its absurdity it runs non fucking stop. I have yet to speak with anyone who doesn't think this commercial is ridiculous on every possible level. So let's discuss Kay Jewelers attempt at a Christmas horror story.
See this abomination here.
:00-:05--The setting of the Christmas horror is provided. Deep in the woods a thunderstorm rages through the forest. An especially long and violent clap of thunder leads into the character introductions.
:06-:11--We find the happy couple...watching the thunderstorm through the window? Huh? Why are they doing that? It isn't like it is a snow storm that blankets everything and makes it look nice or something. It is raining outside. Why would you want to watch rain? The female of the couple reacts like someone just got shot at the clap of thunder. If she is this jumpy by the sounds of thunder, why the hell is she standing at a window in the middle of a fucking thunderstorm? Of course, this leads her into the arms of her creepy boyfriend with the even creepier voice who spouts the extremely creepy line "I'm right here...and I always will be". At this point, I assume he is the murderer. He is giving her the $99 piece of Kay jewelry to lull her into a false sense of security. I mean, the guy is standing around watching thunderstorms in a dark forest. He is probably fucked in the head.
:11-:22--We get a voice over telling us the glory of the $79.99 love's embrace collection. It is also at this time when the murdered wraps his victim in some sort of supernatural force field. This is all made more confusing by the victim's appearance of pleasure. We already know she doesn't like the storm. And I doubt it is the cheap mall jewelry store necklace that is bringing her happiness. So what is she happy about? This is a real head scratcher. I got nothing.
:23-:30--The commercial ends with some more creepy dialogue and the ever present this time of year "Every Kiss begins with Kay" tagline. Of course, they are still standing in front of the window where the storm that scared this woman so much is going on. Close the blinds and sit on the couch for fuck's sake.
Jewelry store Christmas commercials are the absolute worst. Unfortunately, they are unavoidable this time of year. If I have to see that damn Jane Seymour open hearts commercial one more time I may manually open my heart with my hand so it will stop.
The most confusing part is that these commercial are presumably focused on men, and every man I know derides and/or hates these commercials. Who do these appeal to? The only people I can think of, especially considering the price point of the product, is teenagers. Fucking teenagers.
Four days until all this bullshit disappears for 9 months!
See this abomination here.
:00-:05--The setting of the Christmas horror is provided. Deep in the woods a thunderstorm rages through the forest. An especially long and violent clap of thunder leads into the character introductions.
:06-:11--We find the happy couple...watching the thunderstorm through the window? Huh? Why are they doing that? It isn't like it is a snow storm that blankets everything and makes it look nice or something. It is raining outside. Why would you want to watch rain? The female of the couple reacts like someone just got shot at the clap of thunder. If she is this jumpy by the sounds of thunder, why the hell is she standing at a window in the middle of a fucking thunderstorm? Of course, this leads her into the arms of her creepy boyfriend with the even creepier voice who spouts the extremely creepy line "I'm right here...and I always will be". At this point, I assume he is the murderer. He is giving her the $99 piece of Kay jewelry to lull her into a false sense of security. I mean, the guy is standing around watching thunderstorms in a dark forest. He is probably fucked in the head.
:11-:22--We get a voice over telling us the glory of the $79.99 love's embrace collection. It is also at this time when the murdered wraps his victim in some sort of supernatural force field. This is all made more confusing by the victim's appearance of pleasure. We already know she doesn't like the storm. And I doubt it is the cheap mall jewelry store necklace that is bringing her happiness. So what is she happy about? This is a real head scratcher. I got nothing.
:23-:30--The commercial ends with some more creepy dialogue and the ever present this time of year "Every Kiss begins with Kay" tagline. Of course, they are still standing in front of the window where the storm that scared this woman so much is going on. Close the blinds and sit on the couch for fuck's sake.
Jewelry store Christmas commercials are the absolute worst. Unfortunately, they are unavoidable this time of year. If I have to see that damn Jane Seymour open hearts commercial one more time I may manually open my heart with my hand so it will stop.
The most confusing part is that these commercial are presumably focused on men, and every man I know derides and/or hates these commercials. Who do these appeal to? The only people I can think of, especially considering the price point of the product, is teenagers. Fucking teenagers.
Four days until all this bullshit disappears for 9 months!
12/7/09
Christmas Commercial Critique: Mastercard
Christ, I am lazy. This is such a strong idea and I have nothing but free time, but nothing ever gets done. At minimum, I can promise at least one more of these. If you think that creepy jewelry store commercial in which the couple is in a cabin during a thunderstorm will go without scorn, you are sadly mistaken. That will have to wait however, since today we turn our focus to Mastercard.
The commercial can be seen here.
So let's delve right into this one.
:00-:07. Oh look! It is another Peyton Manning commercial. About time that man gets some publicity. Seriously, isn't the "I am so dumb, look how big of a hick I am" angle Peyton plays in most of these things a bit played out? It is clear the guy is pretty bright. He is basically coaching an undefeated NFL team, he has more money than god and he has managed to be incredibly famous for a decade without any sort of trouble or scandal. I get its supposed to be funny because he is giving his center a football, but I doubt most people get that. I get that the point is he is giving people stupid gifts. But its boring and unfunny. They are just playing the dumb hick angle, and it is no longer new or interesting. You're better than that, Peyton.
:08-:12. Is that...Alyson Hannigan? Huh? Do Manning and Hannigan have any kind of connection? They don't have similar jobs, one is much more famous than the other, they don't appeal to the same group of people and they don't really complement each other in way. If you are trying to appeal to everyone you aren't appealing to anyone. Alyson Hannigan?
:13-:17. Maybe this woman has serious issue with grinding her teeth and the mouth guard is a very thoughtful gift by Peyton. DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT MASTERCARD? He should have done us all a favor and given her a helmet.
:17-:24. Old man humor. Yesssssssss. I wonder how much the ad wizards who came up with this one got paid.
:24-:30. Peyton and Alyson awkwardly stare at each other. It is like they are as equally confused as I am about this pairing. Making it worse, the product they are shilling for is terrible. Of course it has a terrible facebook tie in, but I ignored that and decided I would try to find a gift for my friend Vick. I filled out the questionnaire, saying Vick is the connoisseur. .
Now I have Peyton Manning talking to me. He jokingly suggests a heating pad. What a kidder. The program than suggests I purchase a glass set. Or the complete works of Shakespeare. Hope you aren't reading, buddy!
The commercial can be seen here.
So let's delve right into this one.
:00-:07. Oh look! It is another Peyton Manning commercial. About time that man gets some publicity. Seriously, isn't the "I am so dumb, look how big of a hick I am" angle Peyton plays in most of these things a bit played out? It is clear the guy is pretty bright. He is basically coaching an undefeated NFL team, he has more money than god and he has managed to be incredibly famous for a decade without any sort of trouble or scandal. I get its supposed to be funny because he is giving his center a football, but I doubt most people get that. I get that the point is he is giving people stupid gifts. But its boring and unfunny. They are just playing the dumb hick angle, and it is no longer new or interesting. You're better than that, Peyton.
:08-:12. Is that...Alyson Hannigan? Huh? Do Manning and Hannigan have any kind of connection? They don't have similar jobs, one is much more famous than the other, they don't appeal to the same group of people and they don't really complement each other in way. If you are trying to appeal to everyone you aren't appealing to anyone. Alyson Hannigan?
:13-:17. Maybe this woman has serious issue with grinding her teeth and the mouth guard is a very thoughtful gift by Peyton. DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT MASTERCARD? He should have done us all a favor and given her a helmet.
:17-:24. Old man humor. Yesssssssss. I wonder how much the ad wizards who came up with this one got paid.
:24-:30. Peyton and Alyson awkwardly stare at each other. It is like they are as equally confused as I am about this pairing. Making it worse, the product they are shilling for is terrible. Of course it has a terrible facebook tie in, but I ignored that and decided I would try to find a gift for my friend Vick. I filled out the questionnaire, saying Vick is the connoisseur. .
Now I have Peyton Manning talking to me. He jokingly suggests a heating pad. What a kidder. The program than suggests I purchase a glass set. Or the complete works of Shakespeare. Hope you aren't reading, buddy!
11/13/09
Christmas Commercial Critique: The Gap
Today is Friday, November 13th. Christmas commercials have been running steadily for at least a week now. What. The. Fuck. It's still two weeks until Thanksgiving! So I figured I would use this mostly dormant space to combine my distaste of most commercials with my hatred of Christmas into complaining about the vapidity of Christmas commercials.
First a note: that ridiculous jewelry store commercial from last year is back with the guy and the deaf girl. Apparently others found it just as insane I did this guy was going to marry this girl without having any real fucking way to communicate with her. So this year, he just gives her a watch while poorly signing things in her direction. Much better.
So let's start the 2009 Christmas commercial critique season with....THE GAP!!!
Click here to see this monstrosity
Fuck you, High School Musical. At least that is who I am blaming for this infiltration of dancing cheerleaders types who are chant singing things at me. Commercials, tv shows, movies...its everywhere. I don't care if people want to watch these things, but if I have to see or hear one more Glee commercial during a football game on Fox I am going to lose it.
According to the New York Times, this is the first Gap Christmas commercial since 2006. Sometime in the future, when someone is writing about the fall of the American Empire, I hope they fucking mention November 2009 when the American paper of record started reviewing fucking Christmas commercials by a clothing store that aren't about clothing in any way.
So let's break down this atrocious 30 seconds. The first eight seconds contain the "lyrics" 2, 4, 6, 8 'tis the time to liberate! Go Christmas, go Hanukkah, go Kwanzaa, Go Solstice!
If you're like me you were wondering what the hell Solstice is referring to. Some sort of Muslim/Hindi/Buddhist winter holiday? Not that I can find. It seems they a cheering on the coming of winter. WHO THE FUCK CHEERS FOR WINTER?!?! I also enjoy that it begins with a bit of a devious look from the presumed best looking girl in the ad. You know things are about to get serious when she gets that look. Also, the ad wizard that decided to use "'tis" instead of this should be executed. Christ, I hate this time of year. And liberate? Liberate from what? I would like to liberate myself from the planet knowing I am going to see this commercial 5,394,277 times in the next seven weeks.
From 8 to 12 seconds we get Go classic tree, Go plastic tree, Go plant a tree, Go without a tree.
THEY ARE USING THE WORD GO AS A DOUBLE MEANING! HOW CLEVER! First they were rooting on various holidays and seasonal events, now they are listing your options in Christmas trees. Unless you want to plant one. Because planting trees in December is an idea full of win. Of course, this is all happening while they dance around in stylish sweaters that can no doubt be found at the Gap!
Next up, after some rhythmic grunting, is You 86 the rules, You do what just feels right, Happy do whateveryouwannakah, and to all a cheery night.
I can't possibly explain to you how painful it was for me to type that sentence. So now we are not only liberating, but we are 86'ing the rules? I am still confused to as what. They certainly 86'ed grammar rules and good taste and creativity with the term do whateveryouwannakah. If this was Adam Sandler circa 1996, that would be cutting edge and hilarious. But its a Gap commercial circa 2009 so its just lame and stupid. But hey, a hot blonde! And children on a ledge that appears to have no way down! Maybe someone should liberate them. That would probably feel right.
The last seven seconds of the commercial contains some people applauding themselves and sliding across the floor. Plus the slogan "Ready for Holiday Cheer". The lack of a question mark suggests they aren't asking, but instead telling us that they are ready for holiday cheer. Excellent. I know I am ready to go buy some jeans and sweaters now!
I may just go crawl into a hole for the next month and a half. Someone come find me for New Years.
First a note: that ridiculous jewelry store commercial from last year is back with the guy and the deaf girl. Apparently others found it just as insane I did this guy was going to marry this girl without having any real fucking way to communicate with her. So this year, he just gives her a watch while poorly signing things in her direction. Much better.
So let's start the 2009 Christmas commercial critique season with....THE GAP!!!
Click here to see this monstrosity
Fuck you, High School Musical. At least that is who I am blaming for this infiltration of dancing cheerleaders types who are chant singing things at me. Commercials, tv shows, movies...its everywhere. I don't care if people want to watch these things, but if I have to see or hear one more Glee commercial during a football game on Fox I am going to lose it.
According to the New York Times, this is the first Gap Christmas commercial since 2006. Sometime in the future, when someone is writing about the fall of the American Empire, I hope they fucking mention November 2009 when the American paper of record started reviewing fucking Christmas commercials by a clothing store that aren't about clothing in any way.
So let's break down this atrocious 30 seconds. The first eight seconds contain the "lyrics" 2, 4, 6, 8 'tis the time to liberate! Go Christmas, go Hanukkah, go Kwanzaa, Go Solstice!
If you're like me you were wondering what the hell Solstice is referring to. Some sort of Muslim/Hindi/Buddhist winter holiday? Not that I can find. It seems they a cheering on the coming of winter. WHO THE FUCK CHEERS FOR WINTER?!?! I also enjoy that it begins with a bit of a devious look from the presumed best looking girl in the ad. You know things are about to get serious when she gets that look. Also, the ad wizard that decided to use "'tis" instead of this should be executed. Christ, I hate this time of year. And liberate? Liberate from what? I would like to liberate myself from the planet knowing I am going to see this commercial 5,394,277 times in the next seven weeks.
From 8 to 12 seconds we get Go classic tree, Go plastic tree, Go plant a tree, Go without a tree.
THEY ARE USING THE WORD GO AS A DOUBLE MEANING! HOW CLEVER! First they were rooting on various holidays and seasonal events, now they are listing your options in Christmas trees. Unless you want to plant one. Because planting trees in December is an idea full of win. Of course, this is all happening while they dance around in stylish sweaters that can no doubt be found at the Gap!
Next up, after some rhythmic grunting, is You 86 the rules, You do what just feels right, Happy do whateveryouwannakah, and to all a cheery night.
I can't possibly explain to you how painful it was for me to type that sentence. So now we are not only liberating, but we are 86'ing the rules? I am still confused to as what. They certainly 86'ed grammar rules and good taste and creativity with the term do whateveryouwannakah. If this was Adam Sandler circa 1996, that would be cutting edge and hilarious. But its a Gap commercial circa 2009 so its just lame and stupid. But hey, a hot blonde! And children on a ledge that appears to have no way down! Maybe someone should liberate them. That would probably feel right.
The last seven seconds of the commercial contains some people applauding themselves and sliding across the floor. Plus the slogan "Ready for Holiday Cheer". The lack of a question mark suggests they aren't asking, but instead telling us that they are ready for holiday cheer. Excellent. I know I am ready to go buy some jeans and sweaters now!
I may just go crawl into a hole for the next month and a half. Someone come find me for New Years.
9/23/09
Billboard top 40: Six Months Later
While it may seem redundant for me to double up on a category when I have only posted like 20 times, I just watched a video of a cartoon Sean Kingston rapping, looking non-obese and standing about two feet tall. It was at that point I knew it was time for a reprisal. This is from Billboard, published date September 26, 2009.
1. I Gotta Feeling-Black Eyed Peas
I gotta feeling I'm going to regret undertaking this endeavor. I gotta feeling this is one the most annoying songs of all time. I gotta feeling that the world would be better served in Fergie had permanent laryngitis. I gotta feeling guidos at the North Jersey Shore LOVE this song. I gotta feeling this blog post is going to be full of easy jokes like this.
2. Down-Jay Sean ft. Lil' Wayne
It only took until number two for the first song I didn't know simply by the title/artist. Plus our first Lil' Wayne appearance. Good to know the man still hasn't learned how to say no. Jay Sean kind of looks like a Baghdadi teenager. On some research, his real name is Kamaljit Singh Jhooti. Hah. I know a terrorist when I see one! He is British though....fucking British, harboring terrorists and then unleashing them on us to sing useless overplayed pop music that no one will remember in six months! Lil' Wayne is down like the economy! What a timely reference to our nation's suffering! I suppose that is to be expected from the man who added some guy named Kamaljit to his record label.
3. Party in the USA-Miley Cyrus
First time I heard this on the radio, my immediate reaction was "Why the fuck is this on the radio? It sounds like Kidz Bop." Then I found out it was by Miley Cyrus and became even more convinced that Americans will consume anything if it is created by a familiar name. This song is horrendous. Note to Miley: if you are going to include a terrible line like "A Jay-Z song was on" or "A Britney song was on", it is best not to repeat it in an effort to make crystal clear how poor your song writer is.
4. Run This Town- Jay-Z ft. Rihanna and Kayne West
Fun Fact: This software recognizes Kayne as a word. God Bless America. It doesn't recognize Rihanna. I think its xenophobic towards Barbados, but that's just me. This song features more Rihanna than Jay-Z, so shouldn't this be a Rihanna song? Why are rappers always bragging about being "fresher" than other rappers? I think they have self esteem problems. I'm beasting off this Reisling? Is Kayne bragging about drinking white wine? That doesn't seem very fresh. Or maybe a well made white is the new Cristal and I am just horribly behind the times. Maybe it is me who isn't fresh.
5. Use Somebody-Kings of Leon
SOMEONE LIKE YOU OHHHHHHAAAAAOOOHHHHHAAAAOOOHHHHHH. This song is a year old America. Let's move it out of the top 5.
6. You Belong With Me-Taylor Swift
Perfectly acceptable pop song by a perfectly acceptable attractive, blonde and of legal age pop singer. But let's stop trying to act like Taylor Swift wasn't far and away the best looking girl in whatever hick high school she was attending in Reading, even is she wore those ridiculous glasses she is wearing in the video. I have met girls from Reading, and Taylor Swift is no regular girl from Reading. I didn't get that "I'm in the bleachers" meant she was in the band until I watched the video. Huh.
7. Whatcha Say-Jason DeRulo
I just heard this for the first time. Jesus fucking christ is this terrible. Apparently, its a sample of a Imogen Heap song. Seriously. Mediocre pop musicians are sampling Imogen Heap. Maybe we are better off if the Mayans are right about 2012.
8. Obsessed-Mariah Carey
"It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth." Also, this video gives the impression Mariah Carey is stalking herself. Quite the message from a woman who spent some time in a mental health facility a few years ago.
9. Hotel Room Service-Pitbull
This is the most repetitive song ever. Which is generally fine, because it is supposed to be a club song I guess. I never understood how songs like this end up on the radio. Do people dance in their cars? Do they like to just envision themselves dancing? OH ROOM SERVICE IS AN EUPHEMISM FOR SEXUAL RELATIONS IN A HOTEL I GET IT.
10. Good Girls Gone Bad-Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester
So is this supposed to make people think Leighton Meester can sing? Cause she can't. I mean, she can melodically talk over a produced beat. But that isn't really singing. The underground casino with hot chicks running around in this video seems like my type of place. Also, if he heard she was trouble, doesn't that eliminate the possibility she is a good girl? Seems like someone already turned her bad, Cobra Starship. More harmless pop music disguised as rock music most likely made by guys who regularly get hammered off Smirnoff Ice. How else would they come up with Cobra Starship? But they seem dangerous to 14 year old girls! Next.
11. She Wolf-Shakira
Vickery LOVES Shakira. This is not her best effort, again proving if you made hit songs before, the next load of crap you produce will likely also be a hit song. I enjoy the skin colored body suit in the video though. Thanks for that.
12. Knock You Down- Keri Hilson ft. Kayne West and Ne-Yo
In my unhumble opinion, this is the best of the Keri Hilson songs that have bombarded the American public in the past year. I will ignore the ridiculous poker terminology at the beginning (Its like a min-raise when I already won first place? That makes no fucking sense), because the Kayne lines about Joe and Michael Jackson were hilarious even before the events of the last few months. She also appears taller than Kayne, which amuses me. I like Ne-Yo name dropping his own song in his verse as well. Nicely done.
13. Best I Ever Had-Drake
A new young rapper spins a yarn about his first love and how important she was to his life and development, mostly through metaphors about how well they suck his dick. No one has ever done that before! What an original concept! People who work in the music industry must laugh at the general population. This one name drops Andy Griffith though. That's new. And the video references the Mighty Ducks. So points for that, as well.
14. Throw it in the Bag-Fabolous ft. The Dream
Fabolous has been back for four months and I had no idea! The video is filmed in a style of five years ago though, so maybe Fab was frozen or something. Maybe he doesn't know time has passed. This song is mediocre in every possible way. There is nothing creative or distinctive about it.
15. Boom Boom Pow-The Black Eyed Peas
The Earplugs! They do nothing! This song actually moved up from 19 this week. HOW IS THIS SONG GETTING MORE POPULAR. WHAT THE FUCK.
16. Battlefield-Jordin Sparks
Another original concept: love as a battlefield. This month's award for song that teenage girls cry to while fighting with their boyfriends over who he was talking to in math class: Jordin Sparks! By the way, when is fair to talk about how American Idol has produced a bunch of long terms losers, outside of Clarkson. Sure, the lemmings all buy their first albums, but then they do nothing. Why is this show so popular again?
17. Break Up-Mario ft. Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett
Gucci Mane is underrated as a ridiculous looking and acting rapper. He needs more camera time. The story of this song is: girl breaks up with guy. Guy is confused. He lists all the things he buys for her despite exterior shots of a poor Baltimore neighborhood. He then laments maybe it is because he fucks random bitches all the time. He then calls her "vanilla"...but shes a model to him! That's right, you may be an ugly ho to everyone else, but your beautiful to him. Have I mentioned how awesome Gucci Mane is?
18.Papparazzi- Lady GaGa
So the theory that Lady GaGa isnt trying to produce good music has been floated to me. She just wants to dress up like a dumbass and be famous. It's "performance art". Interesting theory, that gains traciton because she certainly isn't producing good music. I wonder if the "She has penis" rumor was also part of the performance art. In this video she kills her boyfriend, but appears to get in no trouble. Huh?
19. Be On You-Flo Rida ft. Ne-Yo
Subtle title. This video has 6.5 million views on YouTube. That is amazing to me. "If you don't like that, send it right back. But I just gotta say, I wanna be on you." I approve of the ridiculous audacity of this song.
20. Big Green Tractor- Jason Aldean
Ya know, Abe, you should have maybe let them go. I get the whole unity of the Union of the argument, and I guess there was no way for you to know this was going to happen. But in hindsight, we probably would have been okay without them. Sure, Mexican level poverty would be a little too close for comfort with the BosWash area, but sometimes sacrifices need to be made. "We can go to town, but baby if you'd rather, we can take a ride of my big green tractor." Tennessee romance.
21. Say Hey (I love you)-Michael Franti and Spearhead ft/Cherine Anderson
What. Is. This? It isn't quite country music. Nor reggae. Or hip-hop. I guess its a bit of the three. Huh. It had a steel drum. Spearhead? Who or what is Spearhead? It is certainly upbeat. So that's nice. I really don't know what to say here. Moving on.
22. Love Drunk-Boys Like Girls
They used to be love drunk, now just hungover. That's the way to turn a phrase boys! I sort of have the same haircut as the lead singer. That can't possibly be a good sign. Seeing/hearing teenage angst when you are no longer a teenager makes you hate yourself as a teenager.
23. Fallin' for You-Colbie Caillat
This video features a tall, pretty blonde on a date with a short, stocky man with a jew fro. I mean, he drives a Chrysler, so that isn't it. He also seems clumsy and socially awkward. He is wearing some sort of snow boots on the beach. He rides a segway with a hemlet. This is giving to false hope to poor, clumsy, jew fro'd short men across the globe. The song sucks too.
24. No Surprise-Daughtry
I'm surprised people keep listening to Daughtry.
25. I Know You Want Me-Pitbull
This has 55 million views on YouTube. Before it plays, a Geico commercial plays. This song is very catchy, and then it gets old extremely quickly. Not sure how it is still charting so highly.
26. 21 Guns-Green Day
The best part of this song is that there is long, spiteful argument going on through YouTube about whether or not Green Day is emo. Lots of angry emo kids. No one has gotten more from three chords than Green Day. From songs about jerking off to political statements.
27. Waking Up in Vegas-Katy Perry
So the point of this song is that Kary Perry and her male companion lost everything they had one night in Vegas, including keys to their room and her fake ID, but then managed to turn the last few dollars they had into some sort of fortune. And that is what one gets for waking up in Vegas. A less than fifty percent chance you will return home destitute. Hmm, seems reasonable to me. I am booking the flight as we speak.
28. Fire Burning-Sean Kingston
The only value of this song is that it led to the video parody "Colby Burning in the Outfield". If you haven't seen it, take the time to look it up. It is awesome. That single, double, triple that smoooooth home run. When that ball is on the field you best believe a run is gonna score. Wipe that eye black off onto my shirt. Seriously, I can't listen to this without hearing that. Which is fine, because this song sucks.
29. One Time-Justin Beiber
Oh wow this is great. It is like Aaron Carter returned, but he is hanging out with Usher. He is rocking the half hood look in the video, which is superb. This song sucks, but it is entirely worth it just for the singer's appearance on the music scene and the amazingly awkward video.
30. Ice Cream Paint Job-Dorrough
Are the rims big? WHHHHA? Cream on the inside, clean on the outside. Just another presumably poor, inner city youth's love song to his car. Such a stereotype. Nothing to see here. Kimbo Slice, St. Lunatics and Saved by the Bell references.
31. Toes-Zac Brown Band
They are hicks and proud of it! At least Floaty Boatwood is. That is the name of the character in the video. Srsly. Toes in the water, ass in the sand indeed. They randomly yell something in Spanish in the middle of the song. As far as I can tell, these guys are just some Georgians who want to go to Mexico to drink mediocre beer, smoke some weed, and perhaps sexually assault a bartender. The video contains a midget and a Brett Farve jersey. I think I have said all that needs to be said here.
32. Never Say Never-The Fray
It sounds like all the rest of the songs by The Fray.
33. Sweet Dreams-Beyonce
Kind of surprising it took until 33 to get a Beyonce appearance. Typical Beyonce song. Seems to be some sort of internal lover's conflict. Could be good. Could be bad. She is trying to work through it, but only on her terms. The video consists of her wearing something revealing and dancing around sluttily. Standard.
34. Pretty Wings-Maxwell
Apparently, this is chapter one of a trilogy from Maxwell. It is nice to have Maxwell back after his long hiatus. Its a song about him fucking a chick. Like all the rest of the Maxwell songs. This one is about him banging someone else's girl though. Pop artists are really repetitive. This has a horn in it. That is Maxwell's creative expansion. I bet Grebe loves this song.
35. Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson
I am tired of hearing about how Kelly Clarkson is proud that she got fat. I really don't care she is eating too many fried oreos down in Texas. I'd prefer if she didn't, but that's her prerogative. I just don't want to have see headlines saying she is proud of her "big ass". Why do I need to hear about this? I don't give a fuck. Apparently its "empowering". So she feels like the relationship she is in is no good for the guy in this song, so she just takes off. Seems unnecessary. No note? No explanation? No goodbye viewing of your big ass?
36. American Ride-Toby Keith
What the world needs: Toby Keith's musical opinion on global warming, amongst other socio-political topics of our day. Why is wanting to fight unprovoked wars that kill Americans patriotic, but wanting to enact changes to health care to save American lives unpatriotic? Sorry, won't mention craziness like that again. At least Toby admits Carrie Prejean can't sing. He seems to think that she lost her title because she gained five pounds though. Not 'cause she hates gay people. Sigh. Actual YouTube quote on this video: "this song blows more cock than a phillipino hooker". (sic), obviously.
37. Please Don't Leave Me-Pink
Pink is all over the place. Last time we did this, she was liberated from her husband. Now they are back together and singing songs threatening to cut him into pieces if he leaves. Crazy ass bitches and their wild mood swings from Central Bucks East. I never knew anyone like that.
38. I'm Yours-Jason Mraz
This song has been on the charts for 74 weeks. If you want my opinion on this, go back to the last time I did this activity. Nothing has changed.
39. Evacuate the Dancefloor-Cascada
I wonder if Cascada is a biblical name. I wonder how many strippers dance to this song per night. I wonder how quickly the world will forget this song exists. I give it to Thanksgiving at the latest.
40. New Divide-Linkin Park
I thought Linkin Park was no more. I hate them. I blame Michael Bay for this. Asshole.
Bonus!
61. Alright-Darius Rucker
Darius Rucker is Hootie. You know, from the Blowfish. He is now a solo artist and has a top 100 single. Peaked at 30. Awesome.
93. Face Drop-Sean Kingston
This is the song where Sean Kingston reverts to a short, skinny cartoon in the video. Watch and be amazed.
1. I Gotta Feeling-Black Eyed Peas
I gotta feeling I'm going to regret undertaking this endeavor. I gotta feeling this is one the most annoying songs of all time. I gotta feeling that the world would be better served in Fergie had permanent laryngitis. I gotta feeling guidos at the North Jersey Shore LOVE this song. I gotta feeling this blog post is going to be full of easy jokes like this.
2. Down-Jay Sean ft. Lil' Wayne
It only took until number two for the first song I didn't know simply by the title/artist. Plus our first Lil' Wayne appearance. Good to know the man still hasn't learned how to say no. Jay Sean kind of looks like a Baghdadi teenager. On some research, his real name is Kamaljit Singh Jhooti. Hah. I know a terrorist when I see one! He is British though....fucking British, harboring terrorists and then unleashing them on us to sing useless overplayed pop music that no one will remember in six months! Lil' Wayne is down like the economy! What a timely reference to our nation's suffering! I suppose that is to be expected from the man who added some guy named Kamaljit to his record label.
3. Party in the USA-Miley Cyrus
First time I heard this on the radio, my immediate reaction was "Why the fuck is this on the radio? It sounds like Kidz Bop." Then I found out it was by Miley Cyrus and became even more convinced that Americans will consume anything if it is created by a familiar name. This song is horrendous. Note to Miley: if you are going to include a terrible line like "A Jay-Z song was on" or "A Britney song was on", it is best not to repeat it in an effort to make crystal clear how poor your song writer is.
4. Run This Town- Jay-Z ft. Rihanna and Kayne West
Fun Fact: This software recognizes Kayne as a word. God Bless America. It doesn't recognize Rihanna. I think its xenophobic towards Barbados, but that's just me. This song features more Rihanna than Jay-Z, so shouldn't this be a Rihanna song? Why are rappers always bragging about being "fresher" than other rappers? I think they have self esteem problems. I'm beasting off this Reisling? Is Kayne bragging about drinking white wine? That doesn't seem very fresh. Or maybe a well made white is the new Cristal and I am just horribly behind the times. Maybe it is me who isn't fresh.
5. Use Somebody-Kings of Leon
SOMEONE LIKE YOU OHHHHHHAAAAAOOOHHHHHAAAAOOOHHHHHH. This song is a year old America. Let's move it out of the top 5.
6. You Belong With Me-Taylor Swift
Perfectly acceptable pop song by a perfectly acceptable attractive, blonde and of legal age pop singer. But let's stop trying to act like Taylor Swift wasn't far and away the best looking girl in whatever hick high school she was attending in Reading, even is she wore those ridiculous glasses she is wearing in the video. I have met girls from Reading, and Taylor Swift is no regular girl from Reading. I didn't get that "I'm in the bleachers" meant she was in the band until I watched the video. Huh.
7. Whatcha Say-Jason DeRulo
I just heard this for the first time. Jesus fucking christ is this terrible. Apparently, its a sample of a Imogen Heap song. Seriously. Mediocre pop musicians are sampling Imogen Heap. Maybe we are better off if the Mayans are right about 2012.
8. Obsessed-Mariah Carey
"It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth." Also, this video gives the impression Mariah Carey is stalking herself. Quite the message from a woman who spent some time in a mental health facility a few years ago.
9. Hotel Room Service-Pitbull
This is the most repetitive song ever. Which is generally fine, because it is supposed to be a club song I guess. I never understood how songs like this end up on the radio. Do people dance in their cars? Do they like to just envision themselves dancing? OH ROOM SERVICE IS AN EUPHEMISM FOR SEXUAL RELATIONS IN A HOTEL I GET IT.
10. Good Girls Gone Bad-Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester
So is this supposed to make people think Leighton Meester can sing? Cause she can't. I mean, she can melodically talk over a produced beat. But that isn't really singing. The underground casino with hot chicks running around in this video seems like my type of place. Also, if he heard she was trouble, doesn't that eliminate the possibility she is a good girl? Seems like someone already turned her bad, Cobra Starship. More harmless pop music disguised as rock music most likely made by guys who regularly get hammered off Smirnoff Ice. How else would they come up with Cobra Starship? But they seem dangerous to 14 year old girls! Next.
11. She Wolf-Shakira
Vickery LOVES Shakira. This is not her best effort, again proving if you made hit songs before, the next load of crap you produce will likely also be a hit song. I enjoy the skin colored body suit in the video though. Thanks for that.
12. Knock You Down- Keri Hilson ft. Kayne West and Ne-Yo
In my unhumble opinion, this is the best of the Keri Hilson songs that have bombarded the American public in the past year. I will ignore the ridiculous poker terminology at the beginning (Its like a min-raise when I already won first place? That makes no fucking sense), because the Kayne lines about Joe and Michael Jackson were hilarious even before the events of the last few months. She also appears taller than Kayne, which amuses me. I like Ne-Yo name dropping his own song in his verse as well. Nicely done.
13. Best I Ever Had-Drake
A new young rapper spins a yarn about his first love and how important she was to his life and development, mostly through metaphors about how well they suck his dick. No one has ever done that before! What an original concept! People who work in the music industry must laugh at the general population. This one name drops Andy Griffith though. That's new. And the video references the Mighty Ducks. So points for that, as well.
14. Throw it in the Bag-Fabolous ft. The Dream
Fabolous has been back for four months and I had no idea! The video is filmed in a style of five years ago though, so maybe Fab was frozen or something. Maybe he doesn't know time has passed. This song is mediocre in every possible way. There is nothing creative or distinctive about it.
15. Boom Boom Pow-The Black Eyed Peas
The Earplugs! They do nothing! This song actually moved up from 19 this week. HOW IS THIS SONG GETTING MORE POPULAR. WHAT THE FUCK.
16. Battlefield-Jordin Sparks
Another original concept: love as a battlefield. This month's award for song that teenage girls cry to while fighting with their boyfriends over who he was talking to in math class: Jordin Sparks! By the way, when is fair to talk about how American Idol has produced a bunch of long terms losers, outside of Clarkson. Sure, the lemmings all buy their first albums, but then they do nothing. Why is this show so popular again?
17. Break Up-Mario ft. Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett
Gucci Mane is underrated as a ridiculous looking and acting rapper. He needs more camera time. The story of this song is: girl breaks up with guy. Guy is confused. He lists all the things he buys for her despite exterior shots of a poor Baltimore neighborhood. He then laments maybe it is because he fucks random bitches all the time. He then calls her "vanilla"...but shes a model to him! That's right, you may be an ugly ho to everyone else, but your beautiful to him. Have I mentioned how awesome Gucci Mane is?
18.Papparazzi- Lady GaGa
So the theory that Lady GaGa isnt trying to produce good music has been floated to me. She just wants to dress up like a dumbass and be famous. It's "performance art". Interesting theory, that gains traciton because she certainly isn't producing good music. I wonder if the "She has penis" rumor was also part of the performance art. In this video she kills her boyfriend, but appears to get in no trouble. Huh?
19. Be On You-Flo Rida ft. Ne-Yo
Subtle title. This video has 6.5 million views on YouTube. That is amazing to me. "If you don't like that, send it right back. But I just gotta say, I wanna be on you." I approve of the ridiculous audacity of this song.
20. Big Green Tractor- Jason Aldean
Ya know, Abe, you should have maybe let them go. I get the whole unity of the Union of the argument, and I guess there was no way for you to know this was going to happen. But in hindsight, we probably would have been okay without them. Sure, Mexican level poverty would be a little too close for comfort with the BosWash area, but sometimes sacrifices need to be made. "We can go to town, but baby if you'd rather, we can take a ride of my big green tractor." Tennessee romance.
21. Say Hey (I love you)-Michael Franti and Spearhead ft/Cherine Anderson
What. Is. This? It isn't quite country music. Nor reggae. Or hip-hop. I guess its a bit of the three. Huh. It had a steel drum. Spearhead? Who or what is Spearhead? It is certainly upbeat. So that's nice. I really don't know what to say here. Moving on.
22. Love Drunk-Boys Like Girls
They used to be love drunk, now just hungover. That's the way to turn a phrase boys! I sort of have the same haircut as the lead singer. That can't possibly be a good sign. Seeing/hearing teenage angst when you are no longer a teenager makes you hate yourself as a teenager.
23. Fallin' for You-Colbie Caillat
This video features a tall, pretty blonde on a date with a short, stocky man with a jew fro. I mean, he drives a Chrysler, so that isn't it. He also seems clumsy and socially awkward. He is wearing some sort of snow boots on the beach. He rides a segway with a hemlet. This is giving to false hope to poor, clumsy, jew fro'd short men across the globe. The song sucks too.
24. No Surprise-Daughtry
I'm surprised people keep listening to Daughtry.
25. I Know You Want Me-Pitbull
This has 55 million views on YouTube. Before it plays, a Geico commercial plays. This song is very catchy, and then it gets old extremely quickly. Not sure how it is still charting so highly.
26. 21 Guns-Green Day
The best part of this song is that there is long, spiteful argument going on through YouTube about whether or not Green Day is emo. Lots of angry emo kids. No one has gotten more from three chords than Green Day. From songs about jerking off to political statements.
27. Waking Up in Vegas-Katy Perry
So the point of this song is that Kary Perry and her male companion lost everything they had one night in Vegas, including keys to their room and her fake ID, but then managed to turn the last few dollars they had into some sort of fortune. And that is what one gets for waking up in Vegas. A less than fifty percent chance you will return home destitute. Hmm, seems reasonable to me. I am booking the flight as we speak.
28. Fire Burning-Sean Kingston
The only value of this song is that it led to the video parody "Colby Burning in the Outfield". If you haven't seen it, take the time to look it up. It is awesome. That single, double, triple that smoooooth home run. When that ball is on the field you best believe a run is gonna score. Wipe that eye black off onto my shirt. Seriously, I can't listen to this without hearing that. Which is fine, because this song sucks.
29. One Time-Justin Beiber
Oh wow this is great. It is like Aaron Carter returned, but he is hanging out with Usher. He is rocking the half hood look in the video, which is superb. This song sucks, but it is entirely worth it just for the singer's appearance on the music scene and the amazingly awkward video.
30. Ice Cream Paint Job-Dorrough
Are the rims big? WHHHHA? Cream on the inside, clean on the outside. Just another presumably poor, inner city youth's love song to his car. Such a stereotype. Nothing to see here. Kimbo Slice, St. Lunatics and Saved by the Bell references.
31. Toes-Zac Brown Band
They are hicks and proud of it! At least Floaty Boatwood is. That is the name of the character in the video. Srsly. Toes in the water, ass in the sand indeed. They randomly yell something in Spanish in the middle of the song. As far as I can tell, these guys are just some Georgians who want to go to Mexico to drink mediocre beer, smoke some weed, and perhaps sexually assault a bartender. The video contains a midget and a Brett Farve jersey. I think I have said all that needs to be said here.
32. Never Say Never-The Fray
It sounds like all the rest of the songs by The Fray.
33. Sweet Dreams-Beyonce
Kind of surprising it took until 33 to get a Beyonce appearance. Typical Beyonce song. Seems to be some sort of internal lover's conflict. Could be good. Could be bad. She is trying to work through it, but only on her terms. The video consists of her wearing something revealing and dancing around sluttily. Standard.
34. Pretty Wings-Maxwell
Apparently, this is chapter one of a trilogy from Maxwell. It is nice to have Maxwell back after his long hiatus. Its a song about him fucking a chick. Like all the rest of the Maxwell songs. This one is about him banging someone else's girl though. Pop artists are really repetitive. This has a horn in it. That is Maxwell's creative expansion. I bet Grebe loves this song.
35. Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson
I am tired of hearing about how Kelly Clarkson is proud that she got fat. I really don't care she is eating too many fried oreos down in Texas. I'd prefer if she didn't, but that's her prerogative. I just don't want to have see headlines saying she is proud of her "big ass". Why do I need to hear about this? I don't give a fuck. Apparently its "empowering". So she feels like the relationship she is in is no good for the guy in this song, so she just takes off. Seems unnecessary. No note? No explanation? No goodbye viewing of your big ass?
36. American Ride-Toby Keith
What the world needs: Toby Keith's musical opinion on global warming, amongst other socio-political topics of our day. Why is wanting to fight unprovoked wars that kill Americans patriotic, but wanting to enact changes to health care to save American lives unpatriotic? Sorry, won't mention craziness like that again. At least Toby admits Carrie Prejean can't sing. He seems to think that she lost her title because she gained five pounds though. Not 'cause she hates gay people. Sigh. Actual YouTube quote on this video: "this song blows more cock than a phillipino hooker". (sic), obviously.
37. Please Don't Leave Me-Pink
Pink is all over the place. Last time we did this, she was liberated from her husband. Now they are back together and singing songs threatening to cut him into pieces if he leaves. Crazy ass bitches and their wild mood swings from Central Bucks East. I never knew anyone like that.
38. I'm Yours-Jason Mraz
This song has been on the charts for 74 weeks. If you want my opinion on this, go back to the last time I did this activity. Nothing has changed.
39. Evacuate the Dancefloor-Cascada
I wonder if Cascada is a biblical name. I wonder how many strippers dance to this song per night. I wonder how quickly the world will forget this song exists. I give it to Thanksgiving at the latest.
40. New Divide-Linkin Park
I thought Linkin Park was no more. I hate them. I blame Michael Bay for this. Asshole.
Bonus!
61. Alright-Darius Rucker
Darius Rucker is Hootie. You know, from the Blowfish. He is now a solo artist and has a top 100 single. Peaked at 30. Awesome.
93. Face Drop-Sean Kingston
This is the song where Sean Kingston reverts to a short, skinny cartoon in the video. Watch and be amazed.
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