Billboard top 40: Six Months Later

While it may seem redundant for me to double up on a category when I have only posted like 20 times, I just watched a video of a cartoon Sean Kingston rapping, looking non-obese and standing about two feet tall. It was at that point I knew it was time for a reprisal. This is from Billboard, published date September 26, 2009.

1. I Gotta Feeling-Black Eyed Peas

I gotta feeling I'm going to regret undertaking this endeavor. I gotta feeling this is one the most annoying songs of all time. I gotta feeling that the world would be better served in Fergie had permanent laryngitis. I gotta feeling guidos at the North Jersey Shore LOVE this song. I gotta feeling this blog post is going to be full of easy jokes like this.

2. Down-Jay Sean ft. Lil' Wayne

It only took until number two for the first song I didn't know simply by the title/artist. Plus our first Lil' Wayne appearance. Good to know the man still hasn't learned how to say no. Jay Sean kind of looks like a Baghdadi teenager. On some research, his real name is Kamaljit Singh Jhooti. Hah. I know a terrorist when I see one! He is British though....fucking British, harboring terrorists and then unleashing them on us to sing useless overplayed pop music that no one will remember in six months! Lil' Wayne is down like the economy! What a timely reference to our nation's suffering! I suppose that is to be expected from the man who added some guy named Kamaljit to his record label.

3. Party in the USA-Miley Cyrus

First time I heard this on the radio, my immediate reaction was "Why the fuck is this on the radio? It sounds like Kidz Bop." Then I found out it was by Miley Cyrus and became even more convinced that Americans will consume anything if it is created by a familiar name. This song is horrendous. Note to Miley: if you are going to include a terrible line like "A Jay-Z song was on" or "A Britney song was on", it is best not to repeat it in an effort to make crystal clear how poor your song writer is.

4. Run This Town- Jay-Z ft. Rihanna and Kayne West

Fun Fact: This software recognizes Kayne as a word. God Bless America. It doesn't recognize Rihanna. I think its xenophobic towards Barbados, but that's just me. This song features more Rihanna than Jay-Z, so shouldn't this be a Rihanna song? Why are rappers always bragging about being "fresher" than other rappers? I think they have self esteem problems. I'm beasting off this Reisling? Is Kayne bragging about drinking white wine? That doesn't seem very fresh. Or maybe a well made white is the new Cristal and I am just horribly behind the times. Maybe it is me who isn't fresh.

5. Use Somebody-Kings of Leon

SOMEONE LIKE YOU OHHHHHHAAAAAOOOHHHHHAAAAOOOHHHHHH. This song is a year old America. Let's move it out of the top 5.

6. You Belong With Me-Taylor Swift

Perfectly acceptable pop song by a perfectly acceptable attractive, blonde and of legal age pop singer. But let's stop trying to act like Taylor Swift wasn't far and away the best looking girl in whatever hick high school she was attending in Reading, even is she wore those ridiculous glasses she is wearing in the video. I have met girls from Reading, and Taylor Swift is no regular girl from Reading. I didn't get that "I'm in the bleachers" meant she was in the band until I watched the video. Huh.

7. Whatcha Say-Jason DeRulo

I just heard this for the first time. Jesus fucking christ is this terrible. Apparently, its a sample of a Imogen Heap song. Seriously. Mediocre pop musicians are sampling Imogen Heap. Maybe we are better off if the Mayans are right about 2012.

8. Obsessed-Mariah Carey

"It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth." Also, this video gives the impression Mariah Carey is stalking herself. Quite the message from a woman who spent some time in a mental health facility a few years ago.

9. Hotel Room Service-Pitbull

This is the most repetitive song ever. Which is generally fine, because it is supposed to be a club song I guess. I never understood how songs like this end up on the radio. Do people dance in their cars? Do they like to just envision themselves dancing? OH ROOM SERVICE IS AN EUPHEMISM FOR SEXUAL RELATIONS IN A HOTEL I GET IT.

10. Good Girls Gone Bad-Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester

So is this supposed to make people think Leighton Meester can sing? Cause she can't. I mean, she can melodically talk over a produced beat. But that isn't really singing. The underground casino with hot chicks running around in this video seems like my type of place. Also, if he heard she was trouble, doesn't that eliminate the possibility she is a good girl? Seems like someone already turned her bad, Cobra Starship. More harmless pop music disguised as rock music most likely made by guys who regularly get hammered off Smirnoff Ice. How else would they come up with Cobra Starship? But they seem dangerous to 14 year old girls! Next.

11. She Wolf-Shakira

Vickery LOVES Shakira. This is not her best effort, again proving if you made hit songs before, the next load of crap you produce will likely also be a hit song. I enjoy the skin colored body suit in the video though. Thanks for that.

12. Knock You Down- Keri Hilson ft. Kayne West and Ne-Yo

In my unhumble opinion, this is the best of the Keri Hilson songs that have bombarded the American public in the past year. I will ignore the ridiculous poker terminology at the beginning (Its like a min-raise when I already won first place? That makes no fucking sense), because the Kayne lines about Joe and Michael Jackson were hilarious even before the events of the last few months. She also appears taller than Kayne, which amuses me. I like Ne-Yo name dropping his own song in his verse as well. Nicely done.

13. Best I Ever Had-Drake

A new young rapper spins a yarn about his first love and how important she was to his life and development, mostly through metaphors about how well they suck his dick. No one has ever done that before! What an original concept! People who work in the music industry must laugh at the general population. This one name drops Andy Griffith though. That's new. And the video references the Mighty Ducks. So points for that, as well.

14. Throw it in the Bag-Fabolous ft. The Dream

Fabolous has been back for four months and I had no idea! The video is filmed in a style of five years ago though, so maybe Fab was frozen or something. Maybe he doesn't know time has passed. This song is mediocre in every possible way. There is nothing creative or distinctive about it.

15. Boom Boom Pow-The Black Eyed Peas

The Earplugs! They do nothing! This song actually moved up from 19 this week. HOW IS THIS SONG GETTING MORE POPULAR. WHAT THE FUCK.

16. Battlefield-Jordin Sparks

Another original concept: love as a battlefield. This month's award for song that teenage girls cry to while fighting with their boyfriends over who he was talking to in math class: Jordin Sparks! By the way, when is fair to talk about how American Idol has produced a bunch of long terms losers, outside of Clarkson. Sure, the lemmings all buy their first albums, but then they do nothing. Why is this show so popular again?

17. Break Up-Mario ft. Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett

Gucci Mane is underrated as a ridiculous looking and acting rapper. He needs more camera time. The story of this song is: girl breaks up with guy. Guy is confused. He lists all the things he buys for her despite exterior shots of a poor Baltimore neighborhood. He then laments maybe it is because he fucks random bitches all the time. He then calls her "vanilla"...but shes a model to him! That's right, you may be an ugly ho to everyone else, but your beautiful to him. Have I mentioned how awesome Gucci Mane is?

18.Papparazzi- Lady GaGa

So the theory that Lady GaGa isnt trying to produce good music has been floated to me. She just wants to dress up like a dumbass and be famous. It's "performance art". Interesting theory, that gains traciton because she certainly isn't producing good music. I wonder if the "She has penis" rumor was also part of the performance art. In this video she kills her boyfriend, but appears to get in no trouble. Huh?

19. Be On You-Flo Rida ft. Ne-Yo

Subtle title. This video has 6.5 million views on YouTube. That is amazing to me. "If you don't like that, send it right back. But I just gotta say, I wanna be on you." I approve of the ridiculous audacity of this song.

20. Big Green Tractor- Jason Aldean

Ya know, Abe, you should have maybe let them go. I get the whole unity of the Union of the argument, and I guess there was no way for you to know this was going to happen. But in hindsight, we probably would have been okay without them. Sure, Mexican level poverty would be a little too close for comfort with the BosWash area, but sometimes sacrifices need to be made. "We can go to town, but baby if you'd rather, we can take a ride of my big green tractor." Tennessee romance.

21. Say Hey (I love you)-Michael Franti and Spearhead ft/Cherine Anderson

What. Is. This? It isn't quite country music. Nor reggae. Or hip-hop. I guess its a bit of the three. Huh. It had a steel drum. Spearhead? Who or what is Spearhead? It is certainly upbeat. So that's nice. I really don't know what to say here. Moving on.

22. Love Drunk-Boys Like Girls

They used to be love drunk, now just hungover. That's the way to turn a phrase boys! I sort of have the same haircut as the lead singer. That can't possibly be a good sign. Seeing/hearing teenage angst when you are no longer a teenager makes you hate yourself as a teenager.

23. Fallin' for You-Colbie Caillat

This video features a tall, pretty blonde on a date with a short, stocky man with a jew fro. I mean, he drives a Chrysler, so that isn't it. He also seems clumsy and socially awkward. He is wearing some sort of snow boots on the beach. He rides a segway with a hemlet. This is giving to false hope to poor, clumsy, jew fro'd short men across the globe. The song sucks too.

24. No Surprise-Daughtry

I'm surprised people keep listening to Daughtry.

25. I Know You Want Me-Pitbull

This has 55 million views on YouTube. Before it plays, a Geico commercial plays. This song is very catchy, and then it gets old extremely quickly. Not sure how it is still charting so highly.

26. 21 Guns-Green Day

The best part of this song is that there is long, spiteful argument going on through YouTube about whether or not Green Day is emo. Lots of angry emo kids. No one has gotten more from three chords than Green Day. From songs about jerking off to political statements.

27. Waking Up in Vegas-Katy Perry

So the point of this song is that Kary Perry and her male companion lost everything they had one night in Vegas, including keys to their room and her fake ID, but then managed to turn the last few dollars they had into some sort of fortune. And that is what one gets for waking up in Vegas. A less than fifty percent chance you will return home destitute. Hmm, seems reasonable to me. I am booking the flight as we speak.

28. Fire Burning-Sean Kingston

The only value of this song is that it led to the video parody "Colby Burning in the Outfield". If you haven't seen it, take the time to look it up. It is awesome. That single, double, triple that smoooooth home run. When that ball is on the field you best believe a run is gonna score. Wipe that eye black off onto my shirt. Seriously, I can't listen to this without hearing that. Which is fine, because this song sucks.

29. One Time-Justin Beiber

Oh wow this is great. It is like Aaron Carter returned, but he is hanging out with Usher. He is rocking the half hood look in the video, which is superb. This song sucks, but it is entirely worth it just for the singer's appearance on the music scene and the amazingly awkward video.

30. Ice Cream Paint Job-Dorrough

Are the rims big? WHHHHA? Cream on the inside, clean on the outside. Just another presumably poor, inner city youth's love song to his car. Such a stereotype. Nothing to see here. Kimbo Slice, St. Lunatics and Saved by the Bell references.

31. Toes-Zac Brown Band

They are hicks and proud of it! At least Floaty Boatwood is. That is the name of the character in the video. Srsly. Toes in the water, ass in the sand indeed. They randomly yell something in Spanish in the middle of the song. As far as I can tell, these guys are just some Georgians who want to go to Mexico to drink mediocre beer, smoke some weed, and perhaps sexually assault a bartender. The video contains a midget and a Brett Farve jersey. I think I have said all that needs to be said here.

32. Never Say Never-The Fray

It sounds like all the rest of the songs by The Fray.

33. Sweet Dreams-Beyonce

Kind of surprising it took until 33 to get a Beyonce appearance. Typical Beyonce song. Seems to be some sort of internal lover's conflict. Could be good. Could be bad. She is trying to work through it, but only on her terms. The video consists of her wearing something revealing and dancing around sluttily. Standard.

34. Pretty Wings-Maxwell

Apparently, this is chapter one of a trilogy from Maxwell. It is nice to have Maxwell back after his long hiatus. Its a song about him fucking a chick. Like all the rest of the Maxwell songs. This one is about him banging someone else's girl though. Pop artists are really repetitive. This has a horn in it. That is Maxwell's creative expansion. I bet Grebe loves this song.

35. Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson

I am tired of hearing about how Kelly Clarkson is proud that she got fat. I really don't care she is eating too many fried oreos down in Texas. I'd prefer if she didn't, but that's her prerogative. I just don't want to have see headlines saying she is proud of her "big ass". Why do I need to hear about this? I don't give a fuck. Apparently its "empowering". So she feels like the relationship she is in is no good for the guy in this song, so she just takes off. Seems unnecessary. No note? No explanation? No goodbye viewing of your big ass?

36. American Ride-Toby Keith

What the world needs: Toby Keith's musical opinion on global warming, amongst other socio-political topics of our day. Why is wanting to fight unprovoked wars that kill Americans patriotic, but wanting to enact changes to health care to save American lives unpatriotic? Sorry, won't mention craziness like that again. At least Toby admits Carrie Prejean can't sing. He seems to think that she lost her title because she gained five pounds though. Not 'cause she hates gay people. Sigh. Actual YouTube quote on this video: "this song blows more cock than a phillipino hooker". (sic), obviously.

37. Please Don't Leave Me-Pink

Pink is all over the place. Last time we did this, she was liberated from her husband. Now they are back together and singing songs threatening to cut him into pieces if he leaves. Crazy ass bitches and their wild mood swings from Central Bucks East. I never knew anyone like that.

38. I'm Yours-Jason Mraz

This song has been on the charts for 74 weeks. If you want my opinion on this, go back to the last time I did this activity. Nothing has changed.

39. Evacuate the Dancefloor-Cascada

I wonder if Cascada is a biblical name. I wonder how many strippers dance to this song per night. I wonder how quickly the world will forget this song exists. I give it to Thanksgiving at the latest.

40. New Divide-Linkin Park

I thought Linkin Park was no more. I hate them. I blame Michael Bay for this. Asshole.

Bonus!

61. Alright-Darius Rucker

Darius Rucker is Hootie. You know, from the Blowfish. He is now a solo artist and has a top 100 single. Peaked at 30. Awesome.

93. Face Drop-Sean Kingston

This is the song where Sean Kingston reverts to a short, skinny cartoon in the video. Watch and be amazed.

John Saunders

Said today on ESPN, following the McNabb injury:

"i was going to say but, if this were any other city, guys, this would not be an issue right now. this is philadelphia right now. i know michael vick's got another week of suspension, but you know you're gonna see the talk in the paper, you're gonna hear it on talk radio, and everybody is gonna be saying 'michael vick, michael vick, he's our savior, when will we see him?' and, as boom says, he's not ready."

What the fuck are you talking about? If this was New York or Boston or Chicago they wouldn't talk about the possibility of playing a former Pro Bowl QB on the roster when your starting QB breaks a rib and is going to miss 2-4 weeks?

John Saunders, you're a fucking idiot. You are the personification of why ESPN is fucking horrendous. Go back to Canada. I'm sure that the CBC needs someone to complain about Winnipeg Blue Bombers fans.

The best part is that ESPN originally whined about how awful the reaction Vick was going to get was going to be. But the fans cheered. Now we're assholes for booing about something we haven't booed yet.

I also enjoy how no one I know of was happy to see McNabb get hurt, and everyone pretty much understands Vick can't run this offense. But listening to ESPN you would think we we're fucking Lionel Richie dancin' on the ceiling.