Today is Friday, November 13th. Christmas commercials have been running steadily for at least a week now. What. The. Fuck. It's still two weeks until Thanksgiving! So I figured I would use this mostly dormant space to combine my distaste of most commercials with my hatred of Christmas into complaining about the vapidity of Christmas commercials.
First a note: that ridiculous jewelry store commercial from last year is back with the guy and the deaf girl. Apparently others found it just as insane I did this guy was going to marry this girl without having any real fucking way to communicate with her. So this year, he just gives her a watch while poorly signing things in her direction. Much better.
So let's start the 2009 Christmas commercial critique season with....THE GAP!!!
Click here to see this monstrosity
Fuck you, High School Musical. At least that is who I am blaming for this infiltration of dancing cheerleaders types who are chant singing things at me. Commercials, tv shows, movies...its everywhere. I don't care if people want to watch these things, but if I have to see or hear one more Glee commercial during a football game on Fox I am going to lose it.
According to the New York Times, this is the first Gap Christmas commercial since 2006. Sometime in the future, when someone is writing about the fall of the American Empire, I hope they fucking mention November 2009 when the American paper of record started reviewing fucking Christmas commercials by a clothing store that aren't about clothing in any way.
So let's break down this atrocious 30 seconds. The first eight seconds contain the "lyrics" 2, 4, 6, 8 'tis the time to liberate! Go Christmas, go Hanukkah, go Kwanzaa, Go Solstice!
If you're like me you were wondering what the hell Solstice is referring to. Some sort of Muslim/Hindi/Buddhist winter holiday? Not that I can find. It seems they a cheering on the coming of winter. WHO THE FUCK CHEERS FOR WINTER?!?! I also enjoy that it begins with a bit of a devious look from the presumed best looking girl in the ad. You know things are about to get serious when she gets that look. Also, the ad wizard that decided to use "'tis" instead of this should be executed. Christ, I hate this time of year. And liberate? Liberate from what? I would like to liberate myself from the planet knowing I am going to see this commercial 5,394,277 times in the next seven weeks.
From 8 to 12 seconds we get Go classic tree, Go plastic tree, Go plant a tree, Go without a tree.
THEY ARE USING THE WORD GO AS A DOUBLE MEANING! HOW CLEVER! First they were rooting on various holidays and seasonal events, now they are listing your options in Christmas trees. Unless you want to plant one. Because planting trees in December is an idea full of win. Of course, this is all happening while they dance around in stylish sweaters that can no doubt be found at the Gap!
Next up, after some rhythmic grunting, is You 86 the rules, You do what just feels right, Happy do whateveryouwannakah, and to all a cheery night.
I can't possibly explain to you how painful it was for me to type that sentence. So now we are not only liberating, but we are 86'ing the rules? I am still confused to as what. They certainly 86'ed grammar rules and good taste and creativity with the term do whateveryouwannakah. If this was Adam Sandler circa 1996, that would be cutting edge and hilarious. But its a Gap commercial circa 2009 so its just lame and stupid. But hey, a hot blonde! And children on a ledge that appears to have no way down! Maybe someone should liberate them. That would probably feel right.
The last seven seconds of the commercial contains some people applauding themselves and sliding across the floor. Plus the slogan "Ready for Holiday Cheer". The lack of a question mark suggests they aren't asking, but instead telling us that they are ready for holiday cheer. Excellent. I know I am ready to go buy some jeans and sweaters now!
I may just go crawl into a hole for the next month and a half. Someone come find me for New Years.
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