I rarely watch commercials because they all suck. However, whenever I happen to catch commercials they seem to be for jewelry stores. I guess because I am watching sports and this is supposed to let me know that girls like jewelry. And gifts! Like I don't know this already. I guess they think I am fucking stupid.
The worst is the Jared commercials. First of all, "He went to Jared" is the dumbest fucking slogan I have ever heard. Second, I don't think it is possible for the women in these commercials to be more vapid. They seem like real whores. Third, if I am on a date with a chick and she is texting her friends details of everything I am giving her, she can go fuck herself. What a bitch. And the whores send a picture of themselves asking if the guy has brothers since he is so fucking great, and the guy thinks this is funny. No one deserves these jizz rags more than this guy.
The Kay commercial with the deaf girl is also awful. This guy is dating a deaf girl and his sign language sucks? That is horrible. Put some effort into it, jerkoff. You supposedly are in love with this girl and you can't spend a weekend learning sign language. I think my fucking 12 year old nephew learned sign language during 4th period last week. He finally learns something and learns Merry Christmas? What a useless sign to learn. You are going to marry this chick and can't communicate with her, but at least you can say Merry Christmas!
Just put my fucking football game back on, I'm not buying any goddamned jewelry. Especially not for whores or the deaf. But if I find a deaf whore, all bets are off.
12/21/08
12/18/08
People at Stores
Have you been to a public place lately? Its like a fucking leper colony out there. A week before the bastardly holiday that shall not be named, I headed out so a few local stores. I needed some shit and I would not be stopped by the insane people that crawl out of their holes this time of year. Below, I rank the attractiveness of people at each store, from best to worst.
Target
Ah, my old stomping grounds. Despite the awful job being done by the current cartboy (they could never adquately replace me), the clientele at Target is way above anywhere else I visited. Except for the frightening bitch who was blocking the candy canes from everyone else with pure sugar induced hatred in her eyes, people seemed sane, put together, and occasionally attractive.
Target also was the place most likely to have attractive cashiers (almost) in my age range. In hindsight, I really wasted opportunities when I worked there. The registers reek of teenage angst and repressed sexuality. Fuck I was a useless teenager. Of course I searched out the aisle of the best looking girl. And if you say you don't do that, you are a dirty fucking liar. It isn't like I am in some sort of hurry. Plus, I really hate the smell of Polident. And other dudes.
Modell's
The Modell's crowd was mostly mothers/grandmothers looking for something to buy their sons/grandsons. Not the greatest looking people, but not horrid. I have relatively little beef with these people, except when they try to write checks. Why old people think it is still socially acceptable to write checks is beyond me. The check pisses off the cashier, the person behind you, the bank, and god himself. GET A FUCKING DEBIT CARD.
The Modell's parking lot also meant trying to park and drive in a crowded parking lot. Jesus fucking christ is that a terrible experience. People who stop where they think there should be a stop sign but is no stop sign should be eliminated from society.
7-11
Ever wonder the kind of people who are in 7-11 at 9:30 on a Thursday? People like me, thats who. The 7-11 is generally filled with teenaged (I am teenaged mentally) slackers, buying slurpees, cigarettes and taquitos. Even the damn cashier was someone in the 18-21 age range who wanted to be anywhere but that 7-11. There isn't much to say about the people in the 7-11. They are mostly just there.
Best Buy
My god, Best Buy the bastion for people who have been rejected by every other sociatial group. I don't know who is scarier, the employees or the customers. I will now list the people you encounter at Best Buy.
1. The fat guy in shorts. Look, I have no problem with fat people. I once was a fat person. Shit happens, I get it. BUT PUT ON SOME GOD DAMNED PANTS. Its 30 degrees out, asshole. Unsurprisingly, FGIS is buying something related to World of Warcraft, and seen hovering in the video game aisle. He is also there with his friend...
2. Skinny guy in black. Why do video game nerds always travel in a fat/skinny combo? And why does the fat guy never shutup while the skinny guy never talks. Why do I always end up behind these people in line? Fucking mystery.
3. Technology guy who thinks he's better that you. Yeah asshole, I am buying a CD. I know I can burn it, but I have been burdened with this fucking gift card and have to buy something so stop snickering at me. Every employee at Best Buy thinks he is better than you. They also all have douchetastic facial hair. Its okay though, because TGWTHBTY hasn't seen a boob not on a computer screen since his mother finished nursing him.
4. Yokel amazed by technology. I don't know if it's at all Best Buys or just my local one, but the yokel/trailer park contingent is huge. It is like a celebration of NASCAR and poor hygiene in there. Anyway, these people are amazed by things like digital cameras. So amazed, that they bring the entire family with them to look at it. I don't think I have ever seen a yokel travel alone. They then cap their big day out at the technological store by buying a vacuum or microwave. Yokels are the only people who buy such items at Best Buy. I guess that is the equivalent of cutting edge technology to a yokel.
Other things commonly seen in Best Buy include: mustaches (men and women), track suits, ugly people.
Target
Ah, my old stomping grounds. Despite the awful job being done by the current cartboy (they could never adquately replace me), the clientele at Target is way above anywhere else I visited. Except for the frightening bitch who was blocking the candy canes from everyone else with pure sugar induced hatred in her eyes, people seemed sane, put together, and occasionally attractive.
Target also was the place most likely to have attractive cashiers (almost) in my age range. In hindsight, I really wasted opportunities when I worked there. The registers reek of teenage angst and repressed sexuality. Fuck I was a useless teenager. Of course I searched out the aisle of the best looking girl. And if you say you don't do that, you are a dirty fucking liar. It isn't like I am in some sort of hurry. Plus, I really hate the smell of Polident. And other dudes.
Modell's
The Modell's crowd was mostly mothers/grandmothers looking for something to buy their sons/grandsons. Not the greatest looking people, but not horrid. I have relatively little beef with these people, except when they try to write checks. Why old people think it is still socially acceptable to write checks is beyond me. The check pisses off the cashier, the person behind you, the bank, and god himself. GET A FUCKING DEBIT CARD.
The Modell's parking lot also meant trying to park and drive in a crowded parking lot. Jesus fucking christ is that a terrible experience. People who stop where they think there should be a stop sign but is no stop sign should be eliminated from society.
7-11
Ever wonder the kind of people who are in 7-11 at 9:30 on a Thursday? People like me, thats who. The 7-11 is generally filled with teenaged (I am teenaged mentally) slackers, buying slurpees, cigarettes and taquitos. Even the damn cashier was someone in the 18-21 age range who wanted to be anywhere but that 7-11. There isn't much to say about the people in the 7-11. They are mostly just there.
Best Buy
My god, Best Buy the bastion for people who have been rejected by every other sociatial group. I don't know who is scarier, the employees or the customers. I will now list the people you encounter at Best Buy.
1. The fat guy in shorts. Look, I have no problem with fat people. I once was a fat person. Shit happens, I get it. BUT PUT ON SOME GOD DAMNED PANTS. Its 30 degrees out, asshole. Unsurprisingly, FGIS is buying something related to World of Warcraft, and seen hovering in the video game aisle. He is also there with his friend...
2. Skinny guy in black. Why do video game nerds always travel in a fat/skinny combo? And why does the fat guy never shutup while the skinny guy never talks. Why do I always end up behind these people in line? Fucking mystery.
3. Technology guy who thinks he's better that you. Yeah asshole, I am buying a CD. I know I can burn it, but I have been burdened with this fucking gift card and have to buy something so stop snickering at me. Every employee at Best Buy thinks he is better than you. They also all have douchetastic facial hair. Its okay though, because TGWTHBTY hasn't seen a boob not on a computer screen since his mother finished nursing him.
4. Yokel amazed by technology. I don't know if it's at all Best Buys or just my local one, but the yokel/trailer park contingent is huge. It is like a celebration of NASCAR and poor hygiene in there. Anyway, these people are amazed by things like digital cameras. So amazed, that they bring the entire family with them to look at it. I don't think I have ever seen a yokel travel alone. They then cap their big day out at the technological store by buying a vacuum or microwave. Yokels are the only people who buy such items at Best Buy. I guess that is the equivalent of cutting edge technology to a yokel.
Other things commonly seen in Best Buy include: mustaches (men and women), track suits, ugly people.
12/10/08
Bob Salmi
If you don't know, Bob Salmi is the color man for Sixers basketball on Comcast SportsNet. He is awful at his job. Salmi replaced Steve "The Mayor" Mix last season, despite Steve Mix being good at his job and Salmi sucking balls at it.
Salmi first appeared on CSN when he would do spots on DNL as "The coach in the truck" and the truck is where he should have fucking stayed. Despite this team being a gigantic disappointment, Salmi continues to claim he sees "improvement" and claims it is "going to take time". THE SEASON IS 25% FINISHED, JACKASS. Salmi has secured his job for being the biggest fucking homer he can possibly be.
Bob also has a belief that Andre Miller is the second coming of Magic Johnson. It would be a good comparision, except Miller is significantly shorter and much less talented. Salmi likes to say Miller "gives this Sixer team what it needs". That need seems to be mediocre point guard play and a losing record. Salmi has to get a new pair of pants everytime Miller shot fakes. Bob monotonely exclaims that Miller has "the best shot fake in the NBA". Nothing gets Bob more jacked up than watching Andre Miller get enveloped by another sweaty man. Game winning shot? Bob has nothing to say because he is still pleasuring himself over that sweet pump fake three quarters ago.
The word Salmistrator is enough to make me want to punch someone in the face. In their infinite wisdom, Comcast thought it might ease the pain of watching Andre Iguodala drive into the lane and dribble the ball off his foot if Marc Zumoff and Salmi giggle like school girls every night about clever wordplay. While breaking down Iggy's before mentioned failure, we have to watch Bob Salmistrate (Ed. Note: I am currently shaking with anger over having to type that stuping fucking term) his thoughts on the play on the telestrator. Sorry, Salmistrator. It usually sounds something like this:
"And here Andre Iguodala (Never Andre or Iguodala. Always Andre Iguodala. This also pisses me the fuck off. Just in case there is another Iguodala on the floor, Bob lets us know he means Andre Iguodala) drives by his defender, but he lacks the exceptional shot fake of Andre Miller...(pause to clean self up)....so the play breaks down. It is going to take some time before Andre Iguodala can improve enough to give this Sixer team what it needs."
Fucking Salmistrator.
In short, I hope Bob Salmi rots in hell where he can never see Andre Miller shot fake ever again. The Dockers corporation may become bankrupt, however.
Salmi first appeared on CSN when he would do spots on DNL as "The coach in the truck" and the truck is where he should have fucking stayed. Despite this team being a gigantic disappointment, Salmi continues to claim he sees "improvement" and claims it is "going to take time". THE SEASON IS 25% FINISHED, JACKASS. Salmi has secured his job for being the biggest fucking homer he can possibly be.
Bob also has a belief that Andre Miller is the second coming of Magic Johnson. It would be a good comparision, except Miller is significantly shorter and much less talented. Salmi likes to say Miller "gives this Sixer team what it needs". That need seems to be mediocre point guard play and a losing record. Salmi has to get a new pair of pants everytime Miller shot fakes. Bob monotonely exclaims that Miller has "the best shot fake in the NBA". Nothing gets Bob more jacked up than watching Andre Miller get enveloped by another sweaty man. Game winning shot? Bob has nothing to say because he is still pleasuring himself over that sweet pump fake three quarters ago.
The word Salmistrator is enough to make me want to punch someone in the face. In their infinite wisdom, Comcast thought it might ease the pain of watching Andre Iguodala drive into the lane and dribble the ball off his foot if Marc Zumoff and Salmi giggle like school girls every night about clever wordplay. While breaking down Iggy's before mentioned failure, we have to watch Bob Salmistrate (Ed. Note: I am currently shaking with anger over having to type that stuping fucking term) his thoughts on the play on the telestrator. Sorry, Salmistrator. It usually sounds something like this:
"And here Andre Iguodala (Never Andre or Iguodala. Always Andre Iguodala. This also pisses me the fuck off. Just in case there is another Iguodala on the floor, Bob lets us know he means Andre Iguodala) drives by his defender, but he lacks the exceptional shot fake of Andre Miller...(pause to clean self up)....so the play breaks down. It is going to take some time before Andre Iguodala can improve enough to give this Sixer team what it needs."
Fucking Salmistrator.
In short, I hope Bob Salmi rots in hell where he can never see Andre Miller shot fake ever again. The Dockers corporation may become bankrupt, however.
12/8/08
Christmas
I hate Christmas on so many levels.
It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment I started to hate Christmas. I know it was pretty hyped when I got that Sega Genesis when I was ten. I also know I hated this horrible season by the time I was 18.
It probably started when I was expected to buy things for other people. And not just five dollar gifts for my parents I bought with their money at the school Christmas Bazaar. People actually expected shit from me. It became especially stressful when I had a girlfriend for six years and she would never tell me what the hell she wanted. I had to "figure it out". Bullshit. That was alot of pressure for a teenager. It was the difference between getting laid and getting a blowjob or just getting laid, and this was a serious problem when I was 18. No wonder the two of us ended hating each other.
It also pisses me off when people ask me what I want, I say cash, and they won't just fucking give me cash. They want to get me something I really want. You know what I want? You to give me fifty bucks so I can buy booze. If you want to cut out the middle man and just buy me two cases of natty and a bottle of jack instead of giving me 50 bucks, fine. But I don't want a fucking DVD or mall gift card.
Then I worked retail on Black Friday. What the hell is wrong with you people? People lined up outside Target at 5 AM in freezing weather so they can buy a video game for 20 bucks. Idiots. Nothing like being berated by a middle aged hag as you check out a dvd player for her ungrateful snot of a son. This is what is wrong with America.
And then people act like its okay to treat each other like shit for 11 months, as long as they are nice for the 4 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Its the "spirit of the season". What the hell does that mean? Why are you people so happy? Its goddamn cold out, and its only getting colder. Its dark at fucking 4:30 PM. This month sucks. I don't like you people January through November, some icicle lights aren't going to change my mind.
Christmas music sucks balls. There is like seven Christmas songs, and just having somebody else sing it doesn't make it better. And the stations that start playing nothing but Christmas music on November 1st should be burnt to the ground. There is only so many times I can hear Bing Crosby followed by Mariah Carey before I want to blow my brains in. The only Christmas song I kind of like is Last Christmas, and that is by fucking Wham. Fuck you Christmas for making me like a Wham song. I don't even really like it, it is just so much better than a Backstreet Boy Christmas or whatever else pop shit they play now that it looks like the fucking Beatles in comparison.
Damn I hate Christmas, and its only December 8th. More on this to come, I am sure.
It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment I started to hate Christmas. I know it was pretty hyped when I got that Sega Genesis when I was ten. I also know I hated this horrible season by the time I was 18.
It probably started when I was expected to buy things for other people. And not just five dollar gifts for my parents I bought with their money at the school Christmas Bazaar. People actually expected shit from me. It became especially stressful when I had a girlfriend for six years and she would never tell me what the hell she wanted. I had to "figure it out". Bullshit. That was alot of pressure for a teenager. It was the difference between getting laid and getting a blowjob or just getting laid, and this was a serious problem when I was 18. No wonder the two of us ended hating each other.
It also pisses me off when people ask me what I want, I say cash, and they won't just fucking give me cash. They want to get me something I really want. You know what I want? You to give me fifty bucks so I can buy booze. If you want to cut out the middle man and just buy me two cases of natty and a bottle of jack instead of giving me 50 bucks, fine. But I don't want a fucking DVD or mall gift card.
Then I worked retail on Black Friday. What the hell is wrong with you people? People lined up outside Target at 5 AM in freezing weather so they can buy a video game for 20 bucks. Idiots. Nothing like being berated by a middle aged hag as you check out a dvd player for her ungrateful snot of a son. This is what is wrong with America.
And then people act like its okay to treat each other like shit for 11 months, as long as they are nice for the 4 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Its the "spirit of the season". What the hell does that mean? Why are you people so happy? Its goddamn cold out, and its only getting colder. Its dark at fucking 4:30 PM. This month sucks. I don't like you people January through November, some icicle lights aren't going to change my mind.
Christmas music sucks balls. There is like seven Christmas songs, and just having somebody else sing it doesn't make it better. And the stations that start playing nothing but Christmas music on November 1st should be burnt to the ground. There is only so many times I can hear Bing Crosby followed by Mariah Carey before I want to blow my brains in. The only Christmas song I kind of like is Last Christmas, and that is by fucking Wham. Fuck you Christmas for making me like a Wham song. I don't even really like it, it is just so much better than a Backstreet Boy Christmas or whatever else pop shit they play now that it looks like the fucking Beatles in comparison.
Damn I hate Christmas, and its only December 8th. More on this to come, I am sure.
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