Today is Friday, November 13th. Christmas commercials have been running steadily for at least a week now. What. The. Fuck. It's still two weeks until Thanksgiving! So I figured I would use this mostly dormant space to combine my distaste of most commercials with my hatred of Christmas into complaining about the vapidity of Christmas commercials.
First a note: that ridiculous jewelry store commercial from last year is back with the guy and the deaf girl. Apparently others found it just as insane I did this guy was going to marry this girl without having any real fucking way to communicate with her. So this year, he just gives her a watch while poorly signing things in her direction. Much better.
So let's start the 2009 Christmas commercial critique season with....THE GAP!!!
Click here to see this monstrosity
Fuck you, High School Musical. At least that is who I am blaming for this infiltration of dancing cheerleaders types who are chant singing things at me. Commercials, tv shows, movies...its everywhere. I don't care if people want to watch these things, but if I have to see or hear one more Glee commercial during a football game on Fox I am going to lose it.
According to the New York Times, this is the first Gap Christmas commercial since 2006. Sometime in the future, when someone is writing about the fall of the American Empire, I hope they fucking mention November 2009 when the American paper of record started reviewing fucking Christmas commercials by a clothing store that aren't about clothing in any way.
So let's break down this atrocious 30 seconds. The first eight seconds contain the "lyrics" 2, 4, 6, 8 'tis the time to liberate! Go Christmas, go Hanukkah, go Kwanzaa, Go Solstice!
If you're like me you were wondering what the hell Solstice is referring to. Some sort of Muslim/Hindi/Buddhist winter holiday? Not that I can find. It seems they a cheering on the coming of winter. WHO THE FUCK CHEERS FOR WINTER?!?! I also enjoy that it begins with a bit of a devious look from the presumed best looking girl in the ad. You know things are about to get serious when she gets that look. Also, the ad wizard that decided to use "'tis" instead of this should be executed. Christ, I hate this time of year. And liberate? Liberate from what? I would like to liberate myself from the planet knowing I am going to see this commercial 5,394,277 times in the next seven weeks.
From 8 to 12 seconds we get Go classic tree, Go plastic tree, Go plant a tree, Go without a tree.
THEY ARE USING THE WORD GO AS A DOUBLE MEANING! HOW CLEVER! First they were rooting on various holidays and seasonal events, now they are listing your options in Christmas trees. Unless you want to plant one. Because planting trees in December is an idea full of win. Of course, this is all happening while they dance around in stylish sweaters that can no doubt be found at the Gap!
Next up, after some rhythmic grunting, is You 86 the rules, You do what just feels right, Happy do whateveryouwannakah, and to all a cheery night.
I can't possibly explain to you how painful it was for me to type that sentence. So now we are not only liberating, but we are 86'ing the rules? I am still confused to as what. They certainly 86'ed grammar rules and good taste and creativity with the term do whateveryouwannakah. If this was Adam Sandler circa 1996, that would be cutting edge and hilarious. But its a Gap commercial circa 2009 so its just lame and stupid. But hey, a hot blonde! And children on a ledge that appears to have no way down! Maybe someone should liberate them. That would probably feel right.
The last seven seconds of the commercial contains some people applauding themselves and sliding across the floor. Plus the slogan "Ready for Holiday Cheer". The lack of a question mark suggests they aren't asking, but instead telling us that they are ready for holiday cheer. Excellent. I know I am ready to go buy some jeans and sweaters now!
I may just go crawl into a hole for the next month and a half. Someone come find me for New Years.
9/23/09
Billboard top 40: Six Months Later
While it may seem redundant for me to double up on a category when I have only posted like 20 times, I just watched a video of a cartoon Sean Kingston rapping, looking non-obese and standing about two feet tall. It was at that point I knew it was time for a reprisal. This is from Billboard, published date September 26, 2009.
1. I Gotta Feeling-Black Eyed Peas
I gotta feeling I'm going to regret undertaking this endeavor. I gotta feeling this is one the most annoying songs of all time. I gotta feeling that the world would be better served in Fergie had permanent laryngitis. I gotta feeling guidos at the North Jersey Shore LOVE this song. I gotta feeling this blog post is going to be full of easy jokes like this.
2. Down-Jay Sean ft. Lil' Wayne
It only took until number two for the first song I didn't know simply by the title/artist. Plus our first Lil' Wayne appearance. Good to know the man still hasn't learned how to say no. Jay Sean kind of looks like a Baghdadi teenager. On some research, his real name is Kamaljit Singh Jhooti. Hah. I know a terrorist when I see one! He is British though....fucking British, harboring terrorists and then unleashing them on us to sing useless overplayed pop music that no one will remember in six months! Lil' Wayne is down like the economy! What a timely reference to our nation's suffering! I suppose that is to be expected from the man who added some guy named Kamaljit to his record label.
3. Party in the USA-Miley Cyrus
First time I heard this on the radio, my immediate reaction was "Why the fuck is this on the radio? It sounds like Kidz Bop." Then I found out it was by Miley Cyrus and became even more convinced that Americans will consume anything if it is created by a familiar name. This song is horrendous. Note to Miley: if you are going to include a terrible line like "A Jay-Z song was on" or "A Britney song was on", it is best not to repeat it in an effort to make crystal clear how poor your song writer is.
4. Run This Town- Jay-Z ft. Rihanna and Kayne West
Fun Fact: This software recognizes Kayne as a word. God Bless America. It doesn't recognize Rihanna. I think its xenophobic towards Barbados, but that's just me. This song features more Rihanna than Jay-Z, so shouldn't this be a Rihanna song? Why are rappers always bragging about being "fresher" than other rappers? I think they have self esteem problems. I'm beasting off this Reisling? Is Kayne bragging about drinking white wine? That doesn't seem very fresh. Or maybe a well made white is the new Cristal and I am just horribly behind the times. Maybe it is me who isn't fresh.
5. Use Somebody-Kings of Leon
SOMEONE LIKE YOU OHHHHHHAAAAAOOOHHHHHAAAAOOOHHHHHH. This song is a year old America. Let's move it out of the top 5.
6. You Belong With Me-Taylor Swift
Perfectly acceptable pop song by a perfectly acceptable attractive, blonde and of legal age pop singer. But let's stop trying to act like Taylor Swift wasn't far and away the best looking girl in whatever hick high school she was attending in Reading, even is she wore those ridiculous glasses she is wearing in the video. I have met girls from Reading, and Taylor Swift is no regular girl from Reading. I didn't get that "I'm in the bleachers" meant she was in the band until I watched the video. Huh.
7. Whatcha Say-Jason DeRulo
I just heard this for the first time. Jesus fucking christ is this terrible. Apparently, its a sample of a Imogen Heap song. Seriously. Mediocre pop musicians are sampling Imogen Heap. Maybe we are better off if the Mayans are right about 2012.
8. Obsessed-Mariah Carey
"It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth." Also, this video gives the impression Mariah Carey is stalking herself. Quite the message from a woman who spent some time in a mental health facility a few years ago.
9. Hotel Room Service-Pitbull
This is the most repetitive song ever. Which is generally fine, because it is supposed to be a club song I guess. I never understood how songs like this end up on the radio. Do people dance in their cars? Do they like to just envision themselves dancing? OH ROOM SERVICE IS AN EUPHEMISM FOR SEXUAL RELATIONS IN A HOTEL I GET IT.
10. Good Girls Gone Bad-Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester
So is this supposed to make people think Leighton Meester can sing? Cause she can't. I mean, she can melodically talk over a produced beat. But that isn't really singing. The underground casino with hot chicks running around in this video seems like my type of place. Also, if he heard she was trouble, doesn't that eliminate the possibility she is a good girl? Seems like someone already turned her bad, Cobra Starship. More harmless pop music disguised as rock music most likely made by guys who regularly get hammered off Smirnoff Ice. How else would they come up with Cobra Starship? But they seem dangerous to 14 year old girls! Next.
11. She Wolf-Shakira
Vickery LOVES Shakira. This is not her best effort, again proving if you made hit songs before, the next load of crap you produce will likely also be a hit song. I enjoy the skin colored body suit in the video though. Thanks for that.
12. Knock You Down- Keri Hilson ft. Kayne West and Ne-Yo
In my unhumble opinion, this is the best of the Keri Hilson songs that have bombarded the American public in the past year. I will ignore the ridiculous poker terminology at the beginning (Its like a min-raise when I already won first place? That makes no fucking sense), because the Kayne lines about Joe and Michael Jackson were hilarious even before the events of the last few months. She also appears taller than Kayne, which amuses me. I like Ne-Yo name dropping his own song in his verse as well. Nicely done.
13. Best I Ever Had-Drake
A new young rapper spins a yarn about his first love and how important she was to his life and development, mostly through metaphors about how well they suck his dick. No one has ever done that before! What an original concept! People who work in the music industry must laugh at the general population. This one name drops Andy Griffith though. That's new. And the video references the Mighty Ducks. So points for that, as well.
14. Throw it in the Bag-Fabolous ft. The Dream
Fabolous has been back for four months and I had no idea! The video is filmed in a style of five years ago though, so maybe Fab was frozen or something. Maybe he doesn't know time has passed. This song is mediocre in every possible way. There is nothing creative or distinctive about it.
15. Boom Boom Pow-The Black Eyed Peas
The Earplugs! They do nothing! This song actually moved up from 19 this week. HOW IS THIS SONG GETTING MORE POPULAR. WHAT THE FUCK.
16. Battlefield-Jordin Sparks
Another original concept: love as a battlefield. This month's award for song that teenage girls cry to while fighting with their boyfriends over who he was talking to in math class: Jordin Sparks! By the way, when is fair to talk about how American Idol has produced a bunch of long terms losers, outside of Clarkson. Sure, the lemmings all buy their first albums, but then they do nothing. Why is this show so popular again?
17. Break Up-Mario ft. Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett
Gucci Mane is underrated as a ridiculous looking and acting rapper. He needs more camera time. The story of this song is: girl breaks up with guy. Guy is confused. He lists all the things he buys for her despite exterior shots of a poor Baltimore neighborhood. He then laments maybe it is because he fucks random bitches all the time. He then calls her "vanilla"...but shes a model to him! That's right, you may be an ugly ho to everyone else, but your beautiful to him. Have I mentioned how awesome Gucci Mane is?
18.Papparazzi- Lady GaGa
So the theory that Lady GaGa isnt trying to produce good music has been floated to me. She just wants to dress up like a dumbass and be famous. It's "performance art". Interesting theory, that gains traciton because she certainly isn't producing good music. I wonder if the "She has penis" rumor was also part of the performance art. In this video she kills her boyfriend, but appears to get in no trouble. Huh?
19. Be On You-Flo Rida ft. Ne-Yo
Subtle title. This video has 6.5 million views on YouTube. That is amazing to me. "If you don't like that, send it right back. But I just gotta say, I wanna be on you." I approve of the ridiculous audacity of this song.
20. Big Green Tractor- Jason Aldean
Ya know, Abe, you should have maybe let them go. I get the whole unity of the Union of the argument, and I guess there was no way for you to know this was going to happen. But in hindsight, we probably would have been okay without them. Sure, Mexican level poverty would be a little too close for comfort with the BosWash area, but sometimes sacrifices need to be made. "We can go to town, but baby if you'd rather, we can take a ride of my big green tractor." Tennessee romance.
21. Say Hey (I love you)-Michael Franti and Spearhead ft/Cherine Anderson
What. Is. This? It isn't quite country music. Nor reggae. Or hip-hop. I guess its a bit of the three. Huh. It had a steel drum. Spearhead? Who or what is Spearhead? It is certainly upbeat. So that's nice. I really don't know what to say here. Moving on.
22. Love Drunk-Boys Like Girls
They used to be love drunk, now just hungover. That's the way to turn a phrase boys! I sort of have the same haircut as the lead singer. That can't possibly be a good sign. Seeing/hearing teenage angst when you are no longer a teenager makes you hate yourself as a teenager.
23. Fallin' for You-Colbie Caillat
This video features a tall, pretty blonde on a date with a short, stocky man with a jew fro. I mean, he drives a Chrysler, so that isn't it. He also seems clumsy and socially awkward. He is wearing some sort of snow boots on the beach. He rides a segway with a hemlet. This is giving to false hope to poor, clumsy, jew fro'd short men across the globe. The song sucks too.
24. No Surprise-Daughtry
I'm surprised people keep listening to Daughtry.
25. I Know You Want Me-Pitbull
This has 55 million views on YouTube. Before it plays, a Geico commercial plays. This song is very catchy, and then it gets old extremely quickly. Not sure how it is still charting so highly.
26. 21 Guns-Green Day
The best part of this song is that there is long, spiteful argument going on through YouTube about whether or not Green Day is emo. Lots of angry emo kids. No one has gotten more from three chords than Green Day. From songs about jerking off to political statements.
27. Waking Up in Vegas-Katy Perry
So the point of this song is that Kary Perry and her male companion lost everything they had one night in Vegas, including keys to their room and her fake ID, but then managed to turn the last few dollars they had into some sort of fortune. And that is what one gets for waking up in Vegas. A less than fifty percent chance you will return home destitute. Hmm, seems reasonable to me. I am booking the flight as we speak.
28. Fire Burning-Sean Kingston
The only value of this song is that it led to the video parody "Colby Burning in the Outfield". If you haven't seen it, take the time to look it up. It is awesome. That single, double, triple that smoooooth home run. When that ball is on the field you best believe a run is gonna score. Wipe that eye black off onto my shirt. Seriously, I can't listen to this without hearing that. Which is fine, because this song sucks.
29. One Time-Justin Beiber
Oh wow this is great. It is like Aaron Carter returned, but he is hanging out with Usher. He is rocking the half hood look in the video, which is superb. This song sucks, but it is entirely worth it just for the singer's appearance on the music scene and the amazingly awkward video.
30. Ice Cream Paint Job-Dorrough
Are the rims big? WHHHHA? Cream on the inside, clean on the outside. Just another presumably poor, inner city youth's love song to his car. Such a stereotype. Nothing to see here. Kimbo Slice, St. Lunatics and Saved by the Bell references.
31. Toes-Zac Brown Band
They are hicks and proud of it! At least Floaty Boatwood is. That is the name of the character in the video. Srsly. Toes in the water, ass in the sand indeed. They randomly yell something in Spanish in the middle of the song. As far as I can tell, these guys are just some Georgians who want to go to Mexico to drink mediocre beer, smoke some weed, and perhaps sexually assault a bartender. The video contains a midget and a Brett Farve jersey. I think I have said all that needs to be said here.
32. Never Say Never-The Fray
It sounds like all the rest of the songs by The Fray.
33. Sweet Dreams-Beyonce
Kind of surprising it took until 33 to get a Beyonce appearance. Typical Beyonce song. Seems to be some sort of internal lover's conflict. Could be good. Could be bad. She is trying to work through it, but only on her terms. The video consists of her wearing something revealing and dancing around sluttily. Standard.
34. Pretty Wings-Maxwell
Apparently, this is chapter one of a trilogy from Maxwell. It is nice to have Maxwell back after his long hiatus. Its a song about him fucking a chick. Like all the rest of the Maxwell songs. This one is about him banging someone else's girl though. Pop artists are really repetitive. This has a horn in it. That is Maxwell's creative expansion. I bet Grebe loves this song.
35. Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson
I am tired of hearing about how Kelly Clarkson is proud that she got fat. I really don't care she is eating too many fried oreos down in Texas. I'd prefer if she didn't, but that's her prerogative. I just don't want to have see headlines saying she is proud of her "big ass". Why do I need to hear about this? I don't give a fuck. Apparently its "empowering". So she feels like the relationship she is in is no good for the guy in this song, so she just takes off. Seems unnecessary. No note? No explanation? No goodbye viewing of your big ass?
36. American Ride-Toby Keith
What the world needs: Toby Keith's musical opinion on global warming, amongst other socio-political topics of our day. Why is wanting to fight unprovoked wars that kill Americans patriotic, but wanting to enact changes to health care to save American lives unpatriotic? Sorry, won't mention craziness like that again. At least Toby admits Carrie Prejean can't sing. He seems to think that she lost her title because she gained five pounds though. Not 'cause she hates gay people. Sigh. Actual YouTube quote on this video: "this song blows more cock than a phillipino hooker". (sic), obviously.
37. Please Don't Leave Me-Pink
Pink is all over the place. Last time we did this, she was liberated from her husband. Now they are back together and singing songs threatening to cut him into pieces if he leaves. Crazy ass bitches and their wild mood swings from Central Bucks East. I never knew anyone like that.
38. I'm Yours-Jason Mraz
This song has been on the charts for 74 weeks. If you want my opinion on this, go back to the last time I did this activity. Nothing has changed.
39. Evacuate the Dancefloor-Cascada
I wonder if Cascada is a biblical name. I wonder how many strippers dance to this song per night. I wonder how quickly the world will forget this song exists. I give it to Thanksgiving at the latest.
40. New Divide-Linkin Park
I thought Linkin Park was no more. I hate them. I blame Michael Bay for this. Asshole.
Bonus!
61. Alright-Darius Rucker
Darius Rucker is Hootie. You know, from the Blowfish. He is now a solo artist and has a top 100 single. Peaked at 30. Awesome.
93. Face Drop-Sean Kingston
This is the song where Sean Kingston reverts to a short, skinny cartoon in the video. Watch and be amazed.
1. I Gotta Feeling-Black Eyed Peas
I gotta feeling I'm going to regret undertaking this endeavor. I gotta feeling this is one the most annoying songs of all time. I gotta feeling that the world would be better served in Fergie had permanent laryngitis. I gotta feeling guidos at the North Jersey Shore LOVE this song. I gotta feeling this blog post is going to be full of easy jokes like this.
2. Down-Jay Sean ft. Lil' Wayne
It only took until number two for the first song I didn't know simply by the title/artist. Plus our first Lil' Wayne appearance. Good to know the man still hasn't learned how to say no. Jay Sean kind of looks like a Baghdadi teenager. On some research, his real name is Kamaljit Singh Jhooti. Hah. I know a terrorist when I see one! He is British though....fucking British, harboring terrorists and then unleashing them on us to sing useless overplayed pop music that no one will remember in six months! Lil' Wayne is down like the economy! What a timely reference to our nation's suffering! I suppose that is to be expected from the man who added some guy named Kamaljit to his record label.
3. Party in the USA-Miley Cyrus
First time I heard this on the radio, my immediate reaction was "Why the fuck is this on the radio? It sounds like Kidz Bop." Then I found out it was by Miley Cyrus and became even more convinced that Americans will consume anything if it is created by a familiar name. This song is horrendous. Note to Miley: if you are going to include a terrible line like "A Jay-Z song was on" or "A Britney song was on", it is best not to repeat it in an effort to make crystal clear how poor your song writer is.
4. Run This Town- Jay-Z ft. Rihanna and Kayne West
Fun Fact: This software recognizes Kayne as a word. God Bless America. It doesn't recognize Rihanna. I think its xenophobic towards Barbados, but that's just me. This song features more Rihanna than Jay-Z, so shouldn't this be a Rihanna song? Why are rappers always bragging about being "fresher" than other rappers? I think they have self esteem problems. I'm beasting off this Reisling? Is Kayne bragging about drinking white wine? That doesn't seem very fresh. Or maybe a well made white is the new Cristal and I am just horribly behind the times. Maybe it is me who isn't fresh.
5. Use Somebody-Kings of Leon
SOMEONE LIKE YOU OHHHHHHAAAAAOOOHHHHHAAAAOOOHHHHHH. This song is a year old America. Let's move it out of the top 5.
6. You Belong With Me-Taylor Swift
Perfectly acceptable pop song by a perfectly acceptable attractive, blonde and of legal age pop singer. But let's stop trying to act like Taylor Swift wasn't far and away the best looking girl in whatever hick high school she was attending in Reading, even is she wore those ridiculous glasses she is wearing in the video. I have met girls from Reading, and Taylor Swift is no regular girl from Reading. I didn't get that "I'm in the bleachers" meant she was in the band until I watched the video. Huh.
7. Whatcha Say-Jason DeRulo
I just heard this for the first time. Jesus fucking christ is this terrible. Apparently, its a sample of a Imogen Heap song. Seriously. Mediocre pop musicians are sampling Imogen Heap. Maybe we are better off if the Mayans are right about 2012.
8. Obsessed-Mariah Carey
"It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth." Also, this video gives the impression Mariah Carey is stalking herself. Quite the message from a woman who spent some time in a mental health facility a few years ago.
9. Hotel Room Service-Pitbull
This is the most repetitive song ever. Which is generally fine, because it is supposed to be a club song I guess. I never understood how songs like this end up on the radio. Do people dance in their cars? Do they like to just envision themselves dancing? OH ROOM SERVICE IS AN EUPHEMISM FOR SEXUAL RELATIONS IN A HOTEL I GET IT.
10. Good Girls Gone Bad-Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester
So is this supposed to make people think Leighton Meester can sing? Cause she can't. I mean, she can melodically talk over a produced beat. But that isn't really singing. The underground casino with hot chicks running around in this video seems like my type of place. Also, if he heard she was trouble, doesn't that eliminate the possibility she is a good girl? Seems like someone already turned her bad, Cobra Starship. More harmless pop music disguised as rock music most likely made by guys who regularly get hammered off Smirnoff Ice. How else would they come up with Cobra Starship? But they seem dangerous to 14 year old girls! Next.
11. She Wolf-Shakira
Vickery LOVES Shakira. This is not her best effort, again proving if you made hit songs before, the next load of crap you produce will likely also be a hit song. I enjoy the skin colored body suit in the video though. Thanks for that.
12. Knock You Down- Keri Hilson ft. Kayne West and Ne-Yo
In my unhumble opinion, this is the best of the Keri Hilson songs that have bombarded the American public in the past year. I will ignore the ridiculous poker terminology at the beginning (Its like a min-raise when I already won first place? That makes no fucking sense), because the Kayne lines about Joe and Michael Jackson were hilarious even before the events of the last few months. She also appears taller than Kayne, which amuses me. I like Ne-Yo name dropping his own song in his verse as well. Nicely done.
13. Best I Ever Had-Drake
A new young rapper spins a yarn about his first love and how important she was to his life and development, mostly through metaphors about how well they suck his dick. No one has ever done that before! What an original concept! People who work in the music industry must laugh at the general population. This one name drops Andy Griffith though. That's new. And the video references the Mighty Ducks. So points for that, as well.
14. Throw it in the Bag-Fabolous ft. The Dream
Fabolous has been back for four months and I had no idea! The video is filmed in a style of five years ago though, so maybe Fab was frozen or something. Maybe he doesn't know time has passed. This song is mediocre in every possible way. There is nothing creative or distinctive about it.
15. Boom Boom Pow-The Black Eyed Peas
The Earplugs! They do nothing! This song actually moved up from 19 this week. HOW IS THIS SONG GETTING MORE POPULAR. WHAT THE FUCK.
16. Battlefield-Jordin Sparks
Another original concept: love as a battlefield. This month's award for song that teenage girls cry to while fighting with their boyfriends over who he was talking to in math class: Jordin Sparks! By the way, when is fair to talk about how American Idol has produced a bunch of long terms losers, outside of Clarkson. Sure, the lemmings all buy their first albums, but then they do nothing. Why is this show so popular again?
17. Break Up-Mario ft. Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett
Gucci Mane is underrated as a ridiculous looking and acting rapper. He needs more camera time. The story of this song is: girl breaks up with guy. Guy is confused. He lists all the things he buys for her despite exterior shots of a poor Baltimore neighborhood. He then laments maybe it is because he fucks random bitches all the time. He then calls her "vanilla"...but shes a model to him! That's right, you may be an ugly ho to everyone else, but your beautiful to him. Have I mentioned how awesome Gucci Mane is?
18.Papparazzi- Lady GaGa
So the theory that Lady GaGa isnt trying to produce good music has been floated to me. She just wants to dress up like a dumbass and be famous. It's "performance art". Interesting theory, that gains traciton because she certainly isn't producing good music. I wonder if the "She has penis" rumor was also part of the performance art. In this video she kills her boyfriend, but appears to get in no trouble. Huh?
19. Be On You-Flo Rida ft. Ne-Yo
Subtle title. This video has 6.5 million views on YouTube. That is amazing to me. "If you don't like that, send it right back. But I just gotta say, I wanna be on you." I approve of the ridiculous audacity of this song.
20. Big Green Tractor- Jason Aldean
Ya know, Abe, you should have maybe let them go. I get the whole unity of the Union of the argument, and I guess there was no way for you to know this was going to happen. But in hindsight, we probably would have been okay without them. Sure, Mexican level poverty would be a little too close for comfort with the BosWash area, but sometimes sacrifices need to be made. "We can go to town, but baby if you'd rather, we can take a ride of my big green tractor." Tennessee romance.
21. Say Hey (I love you)-Michael Franti and Spearhead ft/Cherine Anderson
What. Is. This? It isn't quite country music. Nor reggae. Or hip-hop. I guess its a bit of the three. Huh. It had a steel drum. Spearhead? Who or what is Spearhead? It is certainly upbeat. So that's nice. I really don't know what to say here. Moving on.
22. Love Drunk-Boys Like Girls
They used to be love drunk, now just hungover. That's the way to turn a phrase boys! I sort of have the same haircut as the lead singer. That can't possibly be a good sign. Seeing/hearing teenage angst when you are no longer a teenager makes you hate yourself as a teenager.
23. Fallin' for You-Colbie Caillat
This video features a tall, pretty blonde on a date with a short, stocky man with a jew fro. I mean, he drives a Chrysler, so that isn't it. He also seems clumsy and socially awkward. He is wearing some sort of snow boots on the beach. He rides a segway with a hemlet. This is giving to false hope to poor, clumsy, jew fro'd short men across the globe. The song sucks too.
24. No Surprise-Daughtry
I'm surprised people keep listening to Daughtry.
25. I Know You Want Me-Pitbull
This has 55 million views on YouTube. Before it plays, a Geico commercial plays. This song is very catchy, and then it gets old extremely quickly. Not sure how it is still charting so highly.
26. 21 Guns-Green Day
The best part of this song is that there is long, spiteful argument going on through YouTube about whether or not Green Day is emo. Lots of angry emo kids. No one has gotten more from three chords than Green Day. From songs about jerking off to political statements.
27. Waking Up in Vegas-Katy Perry
So the point of this song is that Kary Perry and her male companion lost everything they had one night in Vegas, including keys to their room and her fake ID, but then managed to turn the last few dollars they had into some sort of fortune. And that is what one gets for waking up in Vegas. A less than fifty percent chance you will return home destitute. Hmm, seems reasonable to me. I am booking the flight as we speak.
28. Fire Burning-Sean Kingston
The only value of this song is that it led to the video parody "Colby Burning in the Outfield". If you haven't seen it, take the time to look it up. It is awesome. That single, double, triple that smoooooth home run. When that ball is on the field you best believe a run is gonna score. Wipe that eye black off onto my shirt. Seriously, I can't listen to this without hearing that. Which is fine, because this song sucks.
29. One Time-Justin Beiber
Oh wow this is great. It is like Aaron Carter returned, but he is hanging out with Usher. He is rocking the half hood look in the video, which is superb. This song sucks, but it is entirely worth it just for the singer's appearance on the music scene and the amazingly awkward video.
30. Ice Cream Paint Job-Dorrough
Are the rims big? WHHHHA? Cream on the inside, clean on the outside. Just another presumably poor, inner city youth's love song to his car. Such a stereotype. Nothing to see here. Kimbo Slice, St. Lunatics and Saved by the Bell references.
31. Toes-Zac Brown Band
They are hicks and proud of it! At least Floaty Boatwood is. That is the name of the character in the video. Srsly. Toes in the water, ass in the sand indeed. They randomly yell something in Spanish in the middle of the song. As far as I can tell, these guys are just some Georgians who want to go to Mexico to drink mediocre beer, smoke some weed, and perhaps sexually assault a bartender. The video contains a midget and a Brett Farve jersey. I think I have said all that needs to be said here.
32. Never Say Never-The Fray
It sounds like all the rest of the songs by The Fray.
33. Sweet Dreams-Beyonce
Kind of surprising it took until 33 to get a Beyonce appearance. Typical Beyonce song. Seems to be some sort of internal lover's conflict. Could be good. Could be bad. She is trying to work through it, but only on her terms. The video consists of her wearing something revealing and dancing around sluttily. Standard.
34. Pretty Wings-Maxwell
Apparently, this is chapter one of a trilogy from Maxwell. It is nice to have Maxwell back after his long hiatus. Its a song about him fucking a chick. Like all the rest of the Maxwell songs. This one is about him banging someone else's girl though. Pop artists are really repetitive. This has a horn in it. That is Maxwell's creative expansion. I bet Grebe loves this song.
35. Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson
I am tired of hearing about how Kelly Clarkson is proud that she got fat. I really don't care she is eating too many fried oreos down in Texas. I'd prefer if she didn't, but that's her prerogative. I just don't want to have see headlines saying she is proud of her "big ass". Why do I need to hear about this? I don't give a fuck. Apparently its "empowering". So she feels like the relationship she is in is no good for the guy in this song, so she just takes off. Seems unnecessary. No note? No explanation? No goodbye viewing of your big ass?
36. American Ride-Toby Keith
What the world needs: Toby Keith's musical opinion on global warming, amongst other socio-political topics of our day. Why is wanting to fight unprovoked wars that kill Americans patriotic, but wanting to enact changes to health care to save American lives unpatriotic? Sorry, won't mention craziness like that again. At least Toby admits Carrie Prejean can't sing. He seems to think that she lost her title because she gained five pounds though. Not 'cause she hates gay people. Sigh. Actual YouTube quote on this video: "this song blows more cock than a phillipino hooker". (sic), obviously.
37. Please Don't Leave Me-Pink
Pink is all over the place. Last time we did this, she was liberated from her husband. Now they are back together and singing songs threatening to cut him into pieces if he leaves. Crazy ass bitches and their wild mood swings from Central Bucks East. I never knew anyone like that.
38. I'm Yours-Jason Mraz
This song has been on the charts for 74 weeks. If you want my opinion on this, go back to the last time I did this activity. Nothing has changed.
39. Evacuate the Dancefloor-Cascada
I wonder if Cascada is a biblical name. I wonder how many strippers dance to this song per night. I wonder how quickly the world will forget this song exists. I give it to Thanksgiving at the latest.
40. New Divide-Linkin Park
I thought Linkin Park was no more. I hate them. I blame Michael Bay for this. Asshole.
Bonus!
61. Alright-Darius Rucker
Darius Rucker is Hootie. You know, from the Blowfish. He is now a solo artist and has a top 100 single. Peaked at 30. Awesome.
93. Face Drop-Sean Kingston
This is the song where Sean Kingston reverts to a short, skinny cartoon in the video. Watch and be amazed.
9/13/09
John Saunders
Said today on ESPN, following the McNabb injury:
"i was going to say but, if this were any other city, guys, this would not be an issue right now. this is philadelphia right now. i know michael vick's got another week of suspension, but you know you're gonna see the talk in the paper, you're gonna hear it on talk radio, and everybody is gonna be saying 'michael vick, michael vick, he's our savior, when will we see him?' and, as boom says, he's not ready."
What the fuck are you talking about? If this was New York or Boston or Chicago they wouldn't talk about the possibility of playing a former Pro Bowl QB on the roster when your starting QB breaks a rib and is going to miss 2-4 weeks?
John Saunders, you're a fucking idiot. You are the personification of why ESPN is fucking horrendous. Go back to Canada. I'm sure that the CBC needs someone to complain about Winnipeg Blue Bombers fans.
The best part is that ESPN originally whined about how awful the reaction Vick was going to get was going to be. But the fans cheered. Now we're assholes for booing about something we haven't booed yet.
I also enjoy how no one I know of was happy to see McNabb get hurt, and everyone pretty much understands Vick can't run this offense. But listening to ESPN you would think we we're fucking Lionel Richie dancin' on the ceiling.
"i was going to say but, if this were any other city, guys, this would not be an issue right now. this is philadelphia right now. i know michael vick's got another week of suspension, but you know you're gonna see the talk in the paper, you're gonna hear it on talk radio, and everybody is gonna be saying 'michael vick, michael vick, he's our savior, when will we see him?' and, as boom says, he's not ready."
What the fuck are you talking about? If this was New York or Boston or Chicago they wouldn't talk about the possibility of playing a former Pro Bowl QB on the roster when your starting QB breaks a rib and is going to miss 2-4 weeks?
John Saunders, you're a fucking idiot. You are the personification of why ESPN is fucking horrendous. Go back to Canada. I'm sure that the CBC needs someone to complain about Winnipeg Blue Bombers fans.
The best part is that ESPN originally whined about how awful the reaction Vick was going to get was going to be. But the fans cheered. Now we're assholes for booing about something we haven't booed yet.
I also enjoy how no one I know of was happy to see McNabb get hurt, and everyone pretty much understands Vick can't run this offense. But listening to ESPN you would think we we're fucking Lionel Richie dancin' on the ceiling.
8/13/09
Michael Vick
Hmm. This is interesting. Some thoughts on this follow, with the admission that I was never a Vick guy in the first place. I always thought he was an over hyped ESPN product to a certain extent. Sure he can run, but he was never an effective passer and he was never going to become one. One of the most comical things out of this so far was hearing Andy say Vick "knows the offense". Vick did run the WCO in Atlanta, but maybe Andy forgot how horrific he was at it, and they really only won game when they pounded the ball with Duckett and Dunn. He is/was an unquestionably great athlete who couldn't/wouldn't ever be a great quarterback in the NFL.
My biggest confusion about all this is I don't quite understand how the positives outweigh the negatives here. The Eagles believed, or at least they claimed to believe, they had the best team in football before this. Does Vick make the roster better on paper? Sure, probably. Of course, we are talking about a person who hasn't stepped on a field for two years and they didn't even work him out, but we will assume that on pure talent alone he adds something to the roster. Does that addition outweigh the three ring circus that is about to descend on NovaCare? This is a team that hasn't always handled the pressures of extreme media scrutiny very well, an issue on display just a few weeks ago when Andy had a hissy fit because a reporter called Stewart Bradley.
Donovan is currently on Comcast saying how great he thinks this is. And that's all fine and dandy. But we all know the first pass that bounces in front of a receiver will bring out the vocal minority in this fan base that despises McNabb. And there will be boos. And there will be scores of calls to WIP demanding the Eagles start Vick. In the past, Donovan hasn't always handled these things that well. He gets....pouty. Maybe that shit doesn't affect his on field performance, but it sure gets the media frothing at the mouth. Quickly that three ring circus will become a five ring circus. And again, when this team gets surrounded by large media gatherings, things haven't turned out well.
The other issue, for me anyway, is I kind of think Vick is a gigantic douchebag. Even before the dog mess, the coaching staff in Atlanta had declared him an uncoachable malcontent who refused to work at becoming an effective NFL passer. I mentioned my belief that he was overrated above. And how quickly people forget the Ron Mexico mess. The man used to spread Herpes around like the Easter Bunny does candy. He is a dirtbag. His brother is a dirtbag. I understand the "second chance, this is America..." stuff, but I will choose to believe he has changed when he shows it. I don't buy it. I think it is generally sociopathic behavior to hang a living thing who can clearly feel and express pain upside down and electrocute it for up to three hours until it is dead. I don't like people like that. I don't want to be around people like that. I don't want to root for people like that. (And I know that "OMGBRETTMYERS" is the default response here, but I can assure you it is different for alot of reasons. Simply, Myers is an asshole who presumably did something horrible once. Vick did a horrific act repeatedly and tried to drag out the suffering as long as he could to a victim that was completely defensless. One makes you an asshole. One makes you a sociopath. If Myers hit his wife nightly and went out of his way to make it as terrible as possible while doing it, he'd still be rightfully locked up and it wouldn't be an issue. Hitting a woman is far worse than killing a dog. It is the viciousness and repitiveness that makes what Vick did particularly disgusting.)
So how am I going to feel the first time I see Michael Vick in an Eagles uniform? Not very good, most likely. I don't like the guy. I don't generally wish him success. I would actually like to see him fail miserably. A feeling that has now come in direct conflict with my desire to see the Eagles do well. Will victories and successes mute that feeling some? Probably. But it sucks it even has to be considered. In the end, I guess this is teaching me I am not a win at all costs person.
Don't get me wrong. I am not one of these people who are "outraged" or will claim to stop rooting for the Eagles. I'll still root for the Eagles and I am not angry or bitter about this is. I think Vick served his time, and has every right to play again the NFL. I just wish Michael Vick wasn't playing as an Eagle, and I am not convinced they needed this to win. I could see a Buffalo or a San Francisco making a last ditch effort to sell tickets and become competitive in league where their franchises don't matter anymore. But the Eagles were probably going to win anyway.
There is, of course, always the possibility they don't win at all. A likelihood that I think actually becomes higher with this signing. There is three possible outcomes to this signing. Vick could come in here, set the world on fire, e wildly effective and play a key part in helping this team win games. Vick could come in here, be about as ready to play as Pacman Jones was last year, be generally ineffective, rarely see the field and not be much more of a factor than Hank Baskett or the whoever the third running back is. Vick could come in here, be a huge distraction, never help on the field at all, cause a shit storm in the locker room, and maybe even get in trouble off the field again. I'd say the likelihood of these possibilities is like 20/60/20.
My question is: Is a 20% chance of major improvement worth all this? Maybe Andy thinks its higher that that. Maybe he's right. I hope he's right, I guess.
I end with a thought that I stole from a message board. When a potential signing/trade/whatever comes up in NFL circles circa 2009 and the first reaction of nearly everybody is "Al Davis will sign him",.....isn't that something you generally want to stay away from?
My biggest confusion about all this is I don't quite understand how the positives outweigh the negatives here. The Eagles believed, or at least they claimed to believe, they had the best team in football before this. Does Vick make the roster better on paper? Sure, probably. Of course, we are talking about a person who hasn't stepped on a field for two years and they didn't even work him out, but we will assume that on pure talent alone he adds something to the roster. Does that addition outweigh the three ring circus that is about to descend on NovaCare? This is a team that hasn't always handled the pressures of extreme media scrutiny very well, an issue on display just a few weeks ago when Andy had a hissy fit because a reporter called Stewart Bradley.
Donovan is currently on Comcast saying how great he thinks this is. And that's all fine and dandy. But we all know the first pass that bounces in front of a receiver will bring out the vocal minority in this fan base that despises McNabb. And there will be boos. And there will be scores of calls to WIP demanding the Eagles start Vick. In the past, Donovan hasn't always handled these things that well. He gets....pouty. Maybe that shit doesn't affect his on field performance, but it sure gets the media frothing at the mouth. Quickly that three ring circus will become a five ring circus. And again, when this team gets surrounded by large media gatherings, things haven't turned out well.
The other issue, for me anyway, is I kind of think Vick is a gigantic douchebag. Even before the dog mess, the coaching staff in Atlanta had declared him an uncoachable malcontent who refused to work at becoming an effective NFL passer. I mentioned my belief that he was overrated above. And how quickly people forget the Ron Mexico mess. The man used to spread Herpes around like the Easter Bunny does candy. He is a dirtbag. His brother is a dirtbag. I understand the "second chance, this is America..." stuff, but I will choose to believe he has changed when he shows it. I don't buy it. I think it is generally sociopathic behavior to hang a living thing who can clearly feel and express pain upside down and electrocute it for up to three hours until it is dead. I don't like people like that. I don't want to be around people like that. I don't want to root for people like that. (And I know that "OMGBRETTMYERS" is the default response here, but I can assure you it is different for alot of reasons. Simply, Myers is an asshole who presumably did something horrible once. Vick did a horrific act repeatedly and tried to drag out the suffering as long as he could to a victim that was completely defensless. One makes you an asshole. One makes you a sociopath. If Myers hit his wife nightly and went out of his way to make it as terrible as possible while doing it, he'd still be rightfully locked up and it wouldn't be an issue. Hitting a woman is far worse than killing a dog. It is the viciousness and repitiveness that makes what Vick did particularly disgusting.)
So how am I going to feel the first time I see Michael Vick in an Eagles uniform? Not very good, most likely. I don't like the guy. I don't generally wish him success. I would actually like to see him fail miserably. A feeling that has now come in direct conflict with my desire to see the Eagles do well. Will victories and successes mute that feeling some? Probably. But it sucks it even has to be considered. In the end, I guess this is teaching me I am not a win at all costs person.
Don't get me wrong. I am not one of these people who are "outraged" or will claim to stop rooting for the Eagles. I'll still root for the Eagles and I am not angry or bitter about this is. I think Vick served his time, and has every right to play again the NFL. I just wish Michael Vick wasn't playing as an Eagle, and I am not convinced they needed this to win. I could see a Buffalo or a San Francisco making a last ditch effort to sell tickets and become competitive in league where their franchises don't matter anymore. But the Eagles were probably going to win anyway.
There is, of course, always the possibility they don't win at all. A likelihood that I think actually becomes higher with this signing. There is three possible outcomes to this signing. Vick could come in here, set the world on fire, e wildly effective and play a key part in helping this team win games. Vick could come in here, be about as ready to play as Pacman Jones was last year, be generally ineffective, rarely see the field and not be much more of a factor than Hank Baskett or the whoever the third running back is. Vick could come in here, be a huge distraction, never help on the field at all, cause a shit storm in the locker room, and maybe even get in trouble off the field again. I'd say the likelihood of these possibilities is like 20/60/20.
My question is: Is a 20% chance of major improvement worth all this? Maybe Andy thinks its higher that that. Maybe he's right. I hope he's right, I guess.
I end with a thought that I stole from a message board. When a potential signing/trade/whatever comes up in NFL circles circa 2009 and the first reaction of nearly everybody is "Al Davis will sign him",.....isn't that something you generally want to stay away from?
4/30/09
Five Things I Hate, Version Uno
This is going to be a regular feature in which I name five things I hate, and why. I hate a lot of things, so this shouldn't be difficult.
People Who Don't Make Right Turns On Red
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these people? There is a valid reason for making a right hand turn on red, and usually it involves "traffic flow". I am fine with people who aren't risk takers at lights, that's fine. But the people who sit there when no one is coming for miles should be kicked out of the country. Every time, this happens I want to yell "You inconsiderate prick, get the fuck out of the way" out the window. Are these people oblivious to the written law that says they can make right turns on red? Are they admiring the lovely traffic light scenery? Do they just not give a fuck?
The worst part is this is always the same person who is driving comfortably below the speed limit, so you know this is going to be a problem when you get to the light. You'd think knowing this would make me less angry when the act occurs, but for some reason it just pisses me off more.
They are also usually related to...
People Who Stop Where There Isn't a Stop Sign
This is an action mostly seen in shopping centers. Most shopping centers don't have stop signs when you enter them, because they want you to get in there faster (fucking marketing geniuses, these developers). This of course doesn't stop fucking idiots from stopping when they get to the first intersection of said shopping center. It usually leads to people at actual stop signs staring confused at the idiot who is randomly stopped. It also usually leads to the person behind said idiot to have to slam on their breaks because they didn't expect to have to randomly stop where there ISN'T A STOP SIGN.
Of course, after the stare down, someone has to go. If this goes according to the idiot who has stopped for no reason's apparent plan, everyone will try to go at the same time. Realizing this, everyone will then stop. Again. And stare at each other for a few seconds trying to figure out what to do. Again. These people should also all be deported.
Lazy Journalists and the Snowball Santa Story
If you google "santa snowball" (get your minds out of the gutters. fucking perverts) you don't get stories about the demon holiday or winter or Santa Claus. You get a story about Eagles fans throwing snowballs at Santa Claus. Fortunately, it is one that explains the stupidity of the whole thing. Long story short: it happened it 1968, there is a back story to it, we should stop talking about things that happened 40 years ago. But if you are a hack sportswriter/caster, you feel the fucking need to resuscitate this story as much as possible because you suck at your job and have nothing else to talk about.
This is as good a place as any to explain my theory on this. I have attended sporting events in many places in this country. I used to work game day security for the Eagles, so I have met a lot of fans from across the country. What I learned is that there is "Northeast fans" and there is everyone else. People from Boston, New York and Philly take this sports thing a bit more serious than everyone else. Maybe it has something to do with familial roots or population density, but there is a bit more "passion" from those fan bases than most anywhere else. And if you really wanted to, you could find examples of shitty behavior from Bostonians and New Yorkers at sporting events. You just don't hear it repeated as much, and I think part of that is that ESPN employees are stationed in New England and most major media publications come out of New York.
Don't get me wrong, I am not excusing what some assholes do. The flares at the Vet? Yeah, that guy is a douche. But the Capitals have now had incidents in consecutive years in the first round of the NHL playoffs with fan behavior, and no one really seems to give a shit. If that happened here, holy shit every news outlet in the country would be invading.
I am going to douse some myths here:
1. There is no prison at the Linc. There used to be one at the Vet after the flare incident, but that was not brought over from across the street.
2. We weren't booing Michael Irvin. We were booing Deion Sanders doing a healing dance around Michael Irvin. Big difference.
3. You don't immediately get beat up if you're opposing fan. If you aren't a douche, you will be fine. If you're a douche, all bets are off. I have been to Giants Stadium twice. Once we we're fine. The other was an 8 PM start and we got real drunk. We were douches, and someone threw a bottle at us. It happens.
When there is millions of people who all have an interest in something, a few are going to be real assholes. Just look at political parties. Are some Philadelphia fans assholes? Sure, but most of those people are too young to have thrown snowballs at Santa. Stop bringing it up, you fucking hacks.
(Ed. Note: I will say that Phillies/Mets games the past few seasons are kind of an exception to all this. The asshole quotient goes through the roof on both sides. Mets fans seem to go to CBP with the intent of getting into a fight, and I have heard the same thing happens in reverse. I think it has something to do with drinking in the heat. And high school kids drinking, because lets not kid ourselves: no one is a bigger douche than a drunk high school kid. These games are way worse than any other event I have been to, and that includes Eagles/Dallas games and Flyers/Penguins playoff games. Also, the Mets suck.)
Nancy Grace
What a C U Next Tuesday Nancy Grace is. For those that don't know Ms. Grace, she hosts a show on Headline News sensationalizing news stories. She in particularly loves a good "white girl gets kidnapped" story. That is when the dollar signs really show up in her eyes. She will have every family member, friend, acquaintance, former soccer coach, or townsperson of the kidnapped on her show.
I feel for these people, obviously. Something awful has happened. But our girl Nance is clearly just trying to make money off of these people's suffering. It is fucking awful, and pretty damn blatant if you ever really pay attention to. She has these wild eyes and she yells a lot and she makes wild claims and accusations. It is unsettling.
She often likes to point out that she was a prosecutor. And she was. What she usually fails to mention is that on her way out, the Georgia Supreme Court chided her for "inappropriate and illegal conduct in the course of the trial." A United States Court of Appeals called her ethics "fast and loose". Basically, she cheated. She would withhold evidence and on occasion do things she would surely have an on air hissy fit about if other people were caught doing.
Things like that are how prosecutors become the equivalent of lawyers chasing ambulances. She is a TV host chasing kidnappings. I bet she doesn't make right hand turns on red, either.
Radical Temperature Changes
What are the high temps in Philadelphia the past ten days, you ask?
51
68
55
70
73
88
92
90
87
73
What. The. Fuck. Tomorrow is supposed to be only 66. There is a 41 degree swing in there, including daily changes of +17, +15 (twice), -14, and -13. I know spring has crazy weather, but we almost had a fucking heat wave in April. More people are going to get sick from this than pig aids, but I don't see anyone freaking out over it.
My personal favorite day was the 24th, when the high was 73 and the low was 39. On an average spring day, that is like getting on a plane in Atlanta and landing in Anchorage.
I don't know how to blame for this, but my main suspect is the guy who created fluorocarbons. I don't know who he is, but I bet he is a real jerkoff. And really rich.
People Who Don't Make Right Turns On Red
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these people? There is a valid reason for making a right hand turn on red, and usually it involves "traffic flow". I am fine with people who aren't risk takers at lights, that's fine. But the people who sit there when no one is coming for miles should be kicked out of the country. Every time, this happens I want to yell "You inconsiderate prick, get the fuck out of the way" out the window. Are these people oblivious to the written law that says they can make right turns on red? Are they admiring the lovely traffic light scenery? Do they just not give a fuck?
The worst part is this is always the same person who is driving comfortably below the speed limit, so you know this is going to be a problem when you get to the light. You'd think knowing this would make me less angry when the act occurs, but for some reason it just pisses me off more.
They are also usually related to...
People Who Stop Where There Isn't a Stop Sign
This is an action mostly seen in shopping centers. Most shopping centers don't have stop signs when you enter them, because they want you to get in there faster (fucking marketing geniuses, these developers). This of course doesn't stop fucking idiots from stopping when they get to the first intersection of said shopping center. It usually leads to people at actual stop signs staring confused at the idiot who is randomly stopped. It also usually leads to the person behind said idiot to have to slam on their breaks because they didn't expect to have to randomly stop where there ISN'T A STOP SIGN.
Of course, after the stare down, someone has to go. If this goes according to the idiot who has stopped for no reason's apparent plan, everyone will try to go at the same time. Realizing this, everyone will then stop. Again. And stare at each other for a few seconds trying to figure out what to do. Again. These people should also all be deported.
Lazy Journalists and the Snowball Santa Story
If you google "santa snowball" (get your minds out of the gutters. fucking perverts) you don't get stories about the demon holiday or winter or Santa Claus. You get a story about Eagles fans throwing snowballs at Santa Claus. Fortunately, it is one that explains the stupidity of the whole thing. Long story short: it happened it 1968, there is a back story to it, we should stop talking about things that happened 40 years ago. But if you are a hack sportswriter/caster, you feel the fucking need to resuscitate this story as much as possible because you suck at your job and have nothing else to talk about.
This is as good a place as any to explain my theory on this. I have attended sporting events in many places in this country. I used to work game day security for the Eagles, so I have met a lot of fans from across the country. What I learned is that there is "Northeast fans" and there is everyone else. People from Boston, New York and Philly take this sports thing a bit more serious than everyone else. Maybe it has something to do with familial roots or population density, but there is a bit more "passion" from those fan bases than most anywhere else. And if you really wanted to, you could find examples of shitty behavior from Bostonians and New Yorkers at sporting events. You just don't hear it repeated as much, and I think part of that is that ESPN employees are stationed in New England and most major media publications come out of New York.
Don't get me wrong, I am not excusing what some assholes do. The flares at the Vet? Yeah, that guy is a douche. But the Capitals have now had incidents in consecutive years in the first round of the NHL playoffs with fan behavior, and no one really seems to give a shit. If that happened here, holy shit every news outlet in the country would be invading.
I am going to douse some myths here:
1. There is no prison at the Linc. There used to be one at the Vet after the flare incident, but that was not brought over from across the street.
2. We weren't booing Michael Irvin. We were booing Deion Sanders doing a healing dance around Michael Irvin. Big difference.
3. You don't immediately get beat up if you're opposing fan. If you aren't a douche, you will be fine. If you're a douche, all bets are off. I have been to Giants Stadium twice. Once we we're fine. The other was an 8 PM start and we got real drunk. We were douches, and someone threw a bottle at us. It happens.
When there is millions of people who all have an interest in something, a few are going to be real assholes. Just look at political parties. Are some Philadelphia fans assholes? Sure, but most of those people are too young to have thrown snowballs at Santa. Stop bringing it up, you fucking hacks.
(Ed. Note: I will say that Phillies/Mets games the past few seasons are kind of an exception to all this. The asshole quotient goes through the roof on both sides. Mets fans seem to go to CBP with the intent of getting into a fight, and I have heard the same thing happens in reverse. I think it has something to do with drinking in the heat. And high school kids drinking, because lets not kid ourselves: no one is a bigger douche than a drunk high school kid. These games are way worse than any other event I have been to, and that includes Eagles/Dallas games and Flyers/Penguins playoff games. Also, the Mets suck.)
Nancy Grace
What a C U Next Tuesday Nancy Grace is. For those that don't know Ms. Grace, she hosts a show on Headline News sensationalizing news stories. She in particularly loves a good "white girl gets kidnapped" story. That is when the dollar signs really show up in her eyes. She will have every family member, friend, acquaintance, former soccer coach, or townsperson of the kidnapped on her show.
I feel for these people, obviously. Something awful has happened. But our girl Nance is clearly just trying to make money off of these people's suffering. It is fucking awful, and pretty damn blatant if you ever really pay attention to. She has these wild eyes and she yells a lot and she makes wild claims and accusations. It is unsettling.
She often likes to point out that she was a prosecutor. And she was. What she usually fails to mention is that on her way out, the Georgia Supreme Court chided her for "inappropriate and illegal conduct in the course of the trial." A United States Court of Appeals called her ethics "fast and loose". Basically, she cheated. She would withhold evidence and on occasion do things she would surely have an on air hissy fit about if other people were caught doing.
Things like that are how prosecutors become the equivalent of lawyers chasing ambulances. She is a TV host chasing kidnappings. I bet she doesn't make right hand turns on red, either.
Radical Temperature Changes
What are the high temps in Philadelphia the past ten days, you ask?
51
68
55
70
73
88
92
90
87
73
What. The. Fuck. Tomorrow is supposed to be only 66. There is a 41 degree swing in there, including daily changes of +17, +15 (twice), -14, and -13. I know spring has crazy weather, but we almost had a fucking heat wave in April. More people are going to get sick from this than pig aids, but I don't see anyone freaking out over it.
My personal favorite day was the 24th, when the high was 73 and the low was 39. On an average spring day, that is like getting on a plane in Atlanta and landing in Anchorage.
I don't know how to blame for this, but my main suspect is the guy who created fluorocarbons. I don't know who he is, but I bet he is a real jerkoff. And really rich.
4/27/09
Musings...
I hate doing this, because I think it's pretty lame, but I have some salient points to make. Also, people keep bitching that I haven't updated my blog. I can't believe people are reading this thing. It is nice to know that even people with jobs are as bored as I am.
-The main purpose of this is a record that Tim told Rush that he would dress as Macho Man Randy Savage to the game if Macho Harris ever starts a home game for the Eagles. Seriously, that is the main reason I am writing this post. It had to be placed in perpetuity somewhere. I think we have all become gigantic Macho fans now, no?
-I also needed to display my anger about something. Tom McCarthy, go fuck yourself. Seriously, choke on your pregame Krispy Kreme and go away. After an Elijah Dukes home run onto Ashburn Alley tonight, Tommy MetsFan said, and I quote "He hit that one into Mike Piazza territory!". Are you fucking kidding me you douchebag? It is bad enough that he openly roots for the opposition most nights, but you are now naming parts of the ballpark after former Mets and homosexual icons? If the Phillies brass had any fucking brains, Franzke and LA would be on TV tomorrow and TMac will be sobbing somewhere in a local McDonald's, drowning his sorrows in McNuggets. Maybe Mike Piazza can stop by and cheer him up.
-I miss Harry.
-Tucci just turned one on Friday, and she is 68 pounds. What the fuck? The dog was 4 pounds when we got her. Christ. She is goddamned huge. She also eats sticks like they are candy. Mmm, roughage!
-Today I took upon myself to go the shore on a Monday and get my yearly spring sunburn. It is pretty bad, but the back of the knees are safe. Sorry to disappoint. I am alternating between shivering and overheating, so I got that going for me.
-Marty Biron, proving French Canadians never learned how to catch since 2009. Steve has always thought it was because they don't play baseball as kids. I think he is onto something. Related: Hey Carcillo, there is a reason they won't fight you when they are winning. Maybe you shouldn't fight when we are winning. He did beat his ass though, so that was fun.
-Only people between the ages of 22 and 55 should be able to drive. If you are outside of that age range, there is 90% chance you suck at driving. Also, if you are driving while inebriated, driving ten miles below the speed limit is way shadier than driving around the speed limit. You look like a fucking moron, and are causing traffic. Get off the goddamned road. Douchebags. Vick should have to constantly ride shotgun with me and ticket any person who annoys me on the road.
-What is more frustrating? Set over set on the flop or having two blackjack bets turn into nine bets and losing all nine? What if this happens an hour apart? I'll let you decide. FML.
-I was telling people the other day the Hornets quit on their coach. They won that day, and people questioned me. Today, the Hornets lost a home playoff game by FIFTY EIGHT POINTS. Blow me, they quit on their coach.
-If my recent job search has taught me anything, it is that I am really only qualified to sell insurance. This is disheartening because who isn't qualified to sell insurance, really? It is like the old saying "I wouldn't want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member", I am not sure I want any job I am qualified for. C'mon Powerball!
-That fucking Asher Roth song gets worse every fucking day. I like that he has a song on his album whining about people comparing him to Eminem, wittily called "As I Em". (Get it! Em! Like Eminem!) Stop complaining douchebag, at least people aren't comparing you to Vanilla Ice.
-I mostly read Pitchfork just so I can disagree with it, but they rated Asher's album 2.4/10. That sounds right. However without Pitchfork I wouldn't know that Clipse and Kanye just came out with a track (They gave it a 7, btw). Where else can you find out that and about MGMT settling their differences with the French government in just seconds? God bless the interwebz and uppity internet music journalists(?).
-The Phillies pitching sucks worse than having to go to work/school on a 90 degree day in April. (suckers).
-Kenny Smith is currently playing with one of those electronic boards in which the host can move images with his finger. Is this really fucking necessary for basketball halftime shows? Was it really fucking necessary to give Michael Smith one for the draft? We get it, CNN had a cool board on election night. Even that was unnecessary. Sportscasters don't fucking need one.
-You know what's awesome? Mayo. If you disagree, I think you are an unrefined imbecile that probably likes Asher Roth.
-The Quizno's commercial in which it is suggested that the guy is having sexual relations with the oven while making "torpedoes"...a bit much, no?
-After 25 years of being angry, I have really mellowed lately after starting this blog so I could bitch about things. Fuck that. The only logic I can see about God is that he must exist, cause why else would I constantly get fucked over by things like this. Fuck.
-I almost just wrote the phrase, "be being". That can't be right, right? Right.
-If you spell check on this thing, it says "internet" is wrong. They say it should be capitalized. Self important assholes.
-I enjoy the Blackhawks radically insensitive logo. Good for them, and screw Canada. I mean, really, what has Canada ever done for me. Provided cold fronts? Kept Sarah Palin at bay? The only good things I have ever heard about Canada is that it is nicer than Detroit. No shit. Chernobyl is nicer than Detroit, too, but they aren't bragging.
-TNT is using the header "Win or go home" for this Lakers broadcast. If the Lakers win, they stay home. But if they lose, they have to go away. That header is misleading. Maybe if they didn't spend so much of Ted Fucking Turner's money on giving Kenny Smith interactive TV screens, they could hire someone to notice these things. (I'm available, if necessary!)
-Dear HBO, stop showing the Sex and the City Movie 24 hours a day. WHY IS THAT MOVIE TWO AND HALF HOURS LONG? WHAT THE FUCK? The one's a whore, the one's a prude, the one's a bitter angry woman, and the lead is a whiny little fucker who looks like a foot. Why does this take 150 minutes to sort out?
-Put a price, Put a price on my soul....Find a cure, Find a cure for my life
-I really do love female British pop singers. Which is odd because I really hate British people. Pompous fucks. (Ed. Note: I have never actually met a British person. I don't think they travel to Philly too much. Bad memories of getting their asses kicked. TAKE THAT BRITS. AMERICA, FUCK YEAH. They would rather go to Canada where those brown nosing Canucks let the Brits rule them until like 2002.)
-That was a great few sentences full of international stereotypes. Snobby Brits? Abrasive Americans? Worthless Canadians? We got it all. I don't know if worthless Canadian is really a stereotype. If not, I think we should make it one. This is the kind of thing I envisioned for this blog. Demeaning mass groups of people I know nothing about, and mocking their made up shortcomings.
-I really think this entire entry is pretty fucking shitty. Maybe if I keep writing my mental diarrhea you people will stop asking me to update my blog. As you may or may not know, when people tell me to do something it makes me less likely to do it. I have the same attitude as the average seven year old. In fairness, I am real light headed and dehydrated from the sunburn. I would say I'll try harder in the future, but let's be honest.....that'd be a lie.
-The main purpose of this is a record that Tim told Rush that he would dress as Macho Man Randy Savage to the game if Macho Harris ever starts a home game for the Eagles. Seriously, that is the main reason I am writing this post. It had to be placed in perpetuity somewhere. I think we have all become gigantic Macho fans now, no?
-I also needed to display my anger about something. Tom McCarthy, go fuck yourself. Seriously, choke on your pregame Krispy Kreme and go away. After an Elijah Dukes home run onto Ashburn Alley tonight, Tommy MetsFan said, and I quote "He hit that one into Mike Piazza territory!". Are you fucking kidding me you douchebag? It is bad enough that he openly roots for the opposition most nights, but you are now naming parts of the ballpark after former Mets and homosexual icons? If the Phillies brass had any fucking brains, Franzke and LA would be on TV tomorrow and TMac will be sobbing somewhere in a local McDonald's, drowning his sorrows in McNuggets. Maybe Mike Piazza can stop by and cheer him up.
-I miss Harry.
-Tucci just turned one on Friday, and she is 68 pounds. What the fuck? The dog was 4 pounds when we got her. Christ. She is goddamned huge. She also eats sticks like they are candy. Mmm, roughage!
-Today I took upon myself to go the shore on a Monday and get my yearly spring sunburn. It is pretty bad, but the back of the knees are safe. Sorry to disappoint. I am alternating between shivering and overheating, so I got that going for me.
-Marty Biron, proving French Canadians never learned how to catch since 2009. Steve has always thought it was because they don't play baseball as kids. I think he is onto something. Related: Hey Carcillo, there is a reason they won't fight you when they are winning. Maybe you shouldn't fight when we are winning. He did beat his ass though, so that was fun.
-Only people between the ages of 22 and 55 should be able to drive. If you are outside of that age range, there is 90% chance you suck at driving. Also, if you are driving while inebriated, driving ten miles below the speed limit is way shadier than driving around the speed limit. You look like a fucking moron, and are causing traffic. Get off the goddamned road. Douchebags. Vick should have to constantly ride shotgun with me and ticket any person who annoys me on the road.
-What is more frustrating? Set over set on the flop or having two blackjack bets turn into nine bets and losing all nine? What if this happens an hour apart? I'll let you decide. FML.
-I was telling people the other day the Hornets quit on their coach. They won that day, and people questioned me. Today, the Hornets lost a home playoff game by FIFTY EIGHT POINTS. Blow me, they quit on their coach.
-If my recent job search has taught me anything, it is that I am really only qualified to sell insurance. This is disheartening because who isn't qualified to sell insurance, really? It is like the old saying "I wouldn't want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member", I am not sure I want any job I am qualified for. C'mon Powerball!
-That fucking Asher Roth song gets worse every fucking day. I like that he has a song on his album whining about people comparing him to Eminem, wittily called "As I Em". (Get it! Em! Like Eminem!) Stop complaining douchebag, at least people aren't comparing you to Vanilla Ice.
-I mostly read Pitchfork just so I can disagree with it, but they rated Asher's album 2.4/10. That sounds right. However without Pitchfork I wouldn't know that Clipse and Kanye just came out with a track (They gave it a 7, btw). Where else can you find out that and about MGMT settling their differences with the French government in just seconds? God bless the interwebz and uppity internet music journalists(?).
-The Phillies pitching sucks worse than having to go to work/school on a 90 degree day in April. (suckers).
-Kenny Smith is currently playing with one of those electronic boards in which the host can move images with his finger. Is this really fucking necessary for basketball halftime shows? Was it really fucking necessary to give Michael Smith one for the draft? We get it, CNN had a cool board on election night. Even that was unnecessary. Sportscasters don't fucking need one.
-You know what's awesome? Mayo. If you disagree, I think you are an unrefined imbecile that probably likes Asher Roth.
-The Quizno's commercial in which it is suggested that the guy is having sexual relations with the oven while making "torpedoes"...a bit much, no?
-After 25 years of being angry, I have really mellowed lately after starting this blog so I could bitch about things. Fuck that. The only logic I can see about God is that he must exist, cause why else would I constantly get fucked over by things like this. Fuck.
-I almost just wrote the phrase, "be being". That can't be right, right? Right.
-If you spell check on this thing, it says "internet" is wrong. They say it should be capitalized. Self important assholes.
-I enjoy the Blackhawks radically insensitive logo. Good for them, and screw Canada. I mean, really, what has Canada ever done for me. Provided cold fronts? Kept Sarah Palin at bay? The only good things I have ever heard about Canada is that it is nicer than Detroit. No shit. Chernobyl is nicer than Detroit, too, but they aren't bragging.
-TNT is using the header "Win or go home" for this Lakers broadcast. If the Lakers win, they stay home. But if they lose, they have to go away. That header is misleading. Maybe if they didn't spend so much of Ted Fucking Turner's money on giving Kenny Smith interactive TV screens, they could hire someone to notice these things. (I'm available, if necessary!)
-Dear HBO, stop showing the Sex and the City Movie 24 hours a day. WHY IS THAT MOVIE TWO AND HALF HOURS LONG? WHAT THE FUCK? The one's a whore, the one's a prude, the one's a bitter angry woman, and the lead is a whiny little fucker who looks like a foot. Why does this take 150 minutes to sort out?
-Put a price, Put a price on my soul....Find a cure, Find a cure for my life
-I really do love female British pop singers. Which is odd because I really hate British people. Pompous fucks. (Ed. Note: I have never actually met a British person. I don't think they travel to Philly too much. Bad memories of getting their asses kicked. TAKE THAT BRITS. AMERICA, FUCK YEAH. They would rather go to Canada where those brown nosing Canucks let the Brits rule them until like 2002.)
-That was a great few sentences full of international stereotypes. Snobby Brits? Abrasive Americans? Worthless Canadians? We got it all. I don't know if worthless Canadian is really a stereotype. If not, I think we should make it one. This is the kind of thing I envisioned for this blog. Demeaning mass groups of people I know nothing about, and mocking their made up shortcomings.
-I really think this entire entry is pretty fucking shitty. Maybe if I keep writing my mental diarrhea you people will stop asking me to update my blog. As you may or may not know, when people tell me to do something it makes me less likely to do it. I have the same attitude as the average seven year old. In fairness, I am real light headed and dehydrated from the sunburn. I would say I'll try harder in the future, but let's be honest.....that'd be a lie.
4/10/09
The Road to the Final Four
First, a mea culpa. I was terrible picking the tournament this year. My worst year in recent memory, which is funny because I watch more college basketball this year than ever before. I still finished in the 79% percentile on ESPN’s Tournament Challenge with those picks, which I think says more about the rest of the tournament picking public. Hooray for getting the obvious champion right!
Anyway, I haven’t written much lately mostly because I have been traveling the eastern half of the United States watching forty minutes of Villanova Basketball (copy write Jay Wright, 2001). Below are some thoughts and impressions on each stop, as well as the distance traveled in miles and minutes.
New York
Distance: Approx 95 miles from home to Matt and Ryan’s apartment. Two hours of trains each way.
Expectations are an interesting thing. Everyone always talks about how great hope is, but I say fuck hope. I want expectations. There was a long period of time that I would hope Villanova would simply be good enough to make the tournament, maybe play some meaningful games in March. Now it is not only expected to be playing important games this time of year, it is expected to win some. The expectations are better. It is probably not always fair to the players and coaches to feel this way, but I would bet even they would tell you it is better to have expectations of greatness than hopes of relevancy.
With that said, how different are expectations if Dwayne Anderson doesn’t make that layup to beat Marquette? We are probably not in Philly the first weekend. Probably a four seed, not a three seed. Which likely means playing UNC in the round of sixteen, not four. Making this probably just another Villanova Sweet 16 team (speaking of altered expectations…) instead of a perception altering team. We are now a Final Four program, partly because Reggie Redding found Dweeze in the final second. Since this team will ultimately be remembered for another basket in the final second, maybe this was just a harbinger of things to come.
NYC for the Big East Tourney is quickly becoming one of my favorite times of the year. It allows me the opportunity to drink in the afternoon, find new people I dislike (in this year’s case, the Louisville fan base), and then to drink even more that evening. This was a particularly alcoholic year, leading to Vick taking the 4:14 AM train home on consecutive nights.
We also hung out in the only naturally occurring cave in NYC Saturday night, and Vick loved it there.
Philadelphia
Distance: Approx 30 miles from my house to arena, 45 minutes both ways.
So, I gambled and bought tickets for the Saturday session in Philly assuming we would roll American. With 18 minutes left in the game, that did not look like a very good decision. That game was rather horrific, as well as being the only Villanova post season game I did not attend. And maybe that was for the best, because I was kind of a mess. It was nice knowing everyone else was equally as unnerved by this, judging by Meghan thinking she was such a curse a 100 miles from the arena as well as the dozens of texts I got.
As awful as that first 22 minutes were, the next 58 minutes played at Wachovia were just that dominating. UCLA could whine all they wanted about having to play in Philly (funny coming from a team who played at six pre Final Four sites the last three years: 5 in California, and one all the way out in Phoenix. Poor Bruins!) We would have won that game if it was played at Pauley Pavilion or anywhere else in the world.
The beating of UCLA was great not only for embarrassing UCLA on national television, but because it led to the nationally televised embarrassing of Duke. I thought if we beat UNC, our new slogan should have been “Fuck your tradition.”
Boston
Distance: There-Home->Manhattan->Boston Approx 300 miles and 7 hours
Back-Boston->Manhattan->Center City->West Chester->Home Approx 375 miles and 9 hours
Ed. Note: I was unable to sleep the night after the Pitt game and typed up this long, winding, sappy review of the entire weekend. It is probably pretty entertaining, and I will likely post it sometime in the next seven to ten days after I clean it up.
A few times while in Boston, Meghan referred to the weekend as “One of the best things I have ever done” or some variant of that. At the time, I wasn’t sure that I agreed with that. Reflecting back, I think that those four days in Boston encompassed an event and a feeling that I will likely—hopefully?—never again experience.
The weekend following Villanova advancing to the national semifinals for the first time in 24 years, I was encountered by three fan bases of huge public universities with gigantic athletic budgets that they used to retain or lure hall of fame, national championship winning coaches. Villanova spends its share on basketball, but not what UConn or Michigan State does, and barely in the same neighborhood of North Carolina. We are different, as some lovely Michiganders were not too shy to point out.
They, as programs and fan bases, expected to be there. They expected to be there in November. And January. And as I was running around NYC watching Dweeze beat Marquette. It would be a bit much to say a large portion of the Villanova fan base thought this was a Final Four team in November. Or January. Or as I was in NYC watching a double digit lead against Marquette slip away.
That lack of expectations, that feeling of being surprised at a group of players who seemingly outlasted every expectation, is a huge part of what made this so special.As great as expectations are, they change everything. Expecting to beat American did not lead to anywhere near the emotion hoping to beat Pitt did. It was unbridled, unquestioned joy. It was a different type of happiness than I had ever experienced, whether it be connected to a sports related event or anything else. It was overwhelming in every sense of the word. Now with a Final Four pedigree and monstrous amounts of talent coming in, expectations change. The second time will not feel like the first time.
I say it is a feeling that will hopefully never be duplicated for that reason. I want there to be a second time. And third. And tenth. But, from here on out, Villanova making a Final Four will (again, hopefully) never be such a shock, such an overwhelming experience. And that is a good thing, even if it isn’t as much fun.
Even if lofty expectations aren’t met, and we don’t get back here for another twenty years or so, I still can’t imagine that it can ever be the same. I won’t be twenty five. I find it hard to believe that it will be as easy to think that heading to Boston on a Thursday afternoon on a whim is a good idea, let alone convincing someone else to come along (thanks, Meg!). It is probably unreasonable to expect that wave of people to arrive on Saturday, almost in a mass cleansing for what happened when we were seniors in ’06. The opportunity to hear Jay speak in a room of alumni and students, with the chance to personally thank the players. There will not be the youthful exuberance of this. And it certainly won’t be the first time all over again. As Steve said, “I think if I ever make it to heaven, it’ll be the lobby of the Weston”.
In hindsight, Meghan was probably right. This was a perfect storm of events, and I will likely always remember it as one of the greatest things I was ever apart of. While I was driving around Manhattan waiting for her to finish work, I had The Hold Steady on the radio, mostly just as background noise. You know how sometimes things just jump out at you for no real reason? Well, the line “Let this be my annual reminder that we could all be something bigger” smacked me right in the face. It is funny to think about it now, because if this weekend wasn’t that step up into something bigger, I don’t know what is. In five seconds we went from a perennially strong program to a Final Four program. It happened in the blink of an eye really. Expectations got bigger, our profile got bigger, our coach got bigger. I just hope the next step is half as fun.
Detroit
Distance: There-Home->Trenton, NJ->Southfield, MI. Approx 630 miles and ten hours
Back- Southfield->Trenton->Home. Approx 630 miles and ten and a half hours.
We drove to Detroit at night. Leaving the Trenton train station around 11:30 and arriving in the Detroit suburbs at around 8:30 AM led to a lot of darkness in distance while commuting through Western PA.
Everything you heard about Detroit is pretty spot on. Pretty neat area around the stadiums, some casinos, and then a whole lot of abandoned buildings. We went to a McDonald’s across from the hotel when we got there because it was too early to check in. My total was like $4. 57. I gave the girl a five and she ran it through this machine to confirm it wasn’t counterfeit. Yeah.
Pregame we drank some, saw Will Sheridan and scalped some tickets. All around a good time.
Ford Field was nice, Michigan State fans were kind of jerkoffs, and we got to watch the Nova game from the 17th row off the floor. So that was nice. I would estimate the Spartan crowd at 45-50k for the semifinals. They were everywhere. I thought maybe the dome would temper some of the crowd noise, but it did none of the such.
The bar we went to post game had two different white Michigan State fans trying to “spit rhymes” over a beat. Apparently they all think they are Eminem or Kid Rock. It was pretty funny, however. We then proceeded to a diner where I got two Chili dogs for four bucks, and we think we saw a pimp come in with a couple of his hos at 3 AM. There was also Michigan State fans there who didn’t quite understand why Jay wouldn’t become the next coach at Memphis. Again…yeah.
However, I was glad I went. It was very cool atmosphere, and who knows when you’ll get to go to the Final Four again. As I told Matt and Meg, I have lots of crazy ideas but it can be difficult at times to find people who are willing to go along with them.
About those future expectations, early reports seem to suggest we will be preseason top 5 next year despite losing the team’s top scorer. No pressure, Let’s do it again.
It is better than hoping to be relevant though, isn't it?
Anyway, I haven’t written much lately mostly because I have been traveling the eastern half of the United States watching forty minutes of Villanova Basketball (copy write Jay Wright, 2001). Below are some thoughts and impressions on each stop, as well as the distance traveled in miles and minutes.
New York
Distance: Approx 95 miles from home to Matt and Ryan’s apartment. Two hours of trains each way.
Expectations are an interesting thing. Everyone always talks about how great hope is, but I say fuck hope. I want expectations. There was a long period of time that I would hope Villanova would simply be good enough to make the tournament, maybe play some meaningful games in March. Now it is not only expected to be playing important games this time of year, it is expected to win some. The expectations are better. It is probably not always fair to the players and coaches to feel this way, but I would bet even they would tell you it is better to have expectations of greatness than hopes of relevancy.
With that said, how different are expectations if Dwayne Anderson doesn’t make that layup to beat Marquette? We are probably not in Philly the first weekend. Probably a four seed, not a three seed. Which likely means playing UNC in the round of sixteen, not four. Making this probably just another Villanova Sweet 16 team (speaking of altered expectations…) instead of a perception altering team. We are now a Final Four program, partly because Reggie Redding found Dweeze in the final second. Since this team will ultimately be remembered for another basket in the final second, maybe this was just a harbinger of things to come.
NYC for the Big East Tourney is quickly becoming one of my favorite times of the year. It allows me the opportunity to drink in the afternoon, find new people I dislike (in this year’s case, the Louisville fan base), and then to drink even more that evening. This was a particularly alcoholic year, leading to Vick taking the 4:14 AM train home on consecutive nights.
We also hung out in the only naturally occurring cave in NYC Saturday night, and Vick loved it there.
Philadelphia
Distance: Approx 30 miles from my house to arena, 45 minutes both ways.
So, I gambled and bought tickets for the Saturday session in Philly assuming we would roll American. With 18 minutes left in the game, that did not look like a very good decision. That game was rather horrific, as well as being the only Villanova post season game I did not attend. And maybe that was for the best, because I was kind of a mess. It was nice knowing everyone else was equally as unnerved by this, judging by Meghan thinking she was such a curse a 100 miles from the arena as well as the dozens of texts I got.
As awful as that first 22 minutes were, the next 58 minutes played at Wachovia were just that dominating. UCLA could whine all they wanted about having to play in Philly (funny coming from a team who played at six pre Final Four sites the last three years: 5 in California, and one all the way out in Phoenix. Poor Bruins!) We would have won that game if it was played at Pauley Pavilion or anywhere else in the world.
The beating of UCLA was great not only for embarrassing UCLA on national television, but because it led to the nationally televised embarrassing of Duke. I thought if we beat UNC, our new slogan should have been “Fuck your tradition.”
Boston
Distance: There-Home->Manhattan->Boston Approx 300 miles and 7 hours
Back-Boston->Manhattan->Center City->West Chester->Home Approx 375 miles and 9 hours
Ed. Note: I was unable to sleep the night after the Pitt game and typed up this long, winding, sappy review of the entire weekend. It is probably pretty entertaining, and I will likely post it sometime in the next seven to ten days after I clean it up.
A few times while in Boston, Meghan referred to the weekend as “One of the best things I have ever done” or some variant of that. At the time, I wasn’t sure that I agreed with that. Reflecting back, I think that those four days in Boston encompassed an event and a feeling that I will likely—hopefully?—never again experience.
The weekend following Villanova advancing to the national semifinals for the first time in 24 years, I was encountered by three fan bases of huge public universities with gigantic athletic budgets that they used to retain or lure hall of fame, national championship winning coaches. Villanova spends its share on basketball, but not what UConn or Michigan State does, and barely in the same neighborhood of North Carolina. We are different, as some lovely Michiganders were not too shy to point out.
They, as programs and fan bases, expected to be there. They expected to be there in November. And January. And as I was running around NYC watching Dweeze beat Marquette. It would be a bit much to say a large portion of the Villanova fan base thought this was a Final Four team in November. Or January. Or as I was in NYC watching a double digit lead against Marquette slip away.
That lack of expectations, that feeling of being surprised at a group of players who seemingly outlasted every expectation, is a huge part of what made this so special.As great as expectations are, they change everything. Expecting to beat American did not lead to anywhere near the emotion hoping to beat Pitt did. It was unbridled, unquestioned joy. It was a different type of happiness than I had ever experienced, whether it be connected to a sports related event or anything else. It was overwhelming in every sense of the word. Now with a Final Four pedigree and monstrous amounts of talent coming in, expectations change. The second time will not feel like the first time.
I say it is a feeling that will hopefully never be duplicated for that reason. I want there to be a second time. And third. And tenth. But, from here on out, Villanova making a Final Four will (again, hopefully) never be such a shock, such an overwhelming experience. And that is a good thing, even if it isn’t as much fun.
Even if lofty expectations aren’t met, and we don’t get back here for another twenty years or so, I still can’t imagine that it can ever be the same. I won’t be twenty five. I find it hard to believe that it will be as easy to think that heading to Boston on a Thursday afternoon on a whim is a good idea, let alone convincing someone else to come along (thanks, Meg!). It is probably unreasonable to expect that wave of people to arrive on Saturday, almost in a mass cleansing for what happened when we were seniors in ’06. The opportunity to hear Jay speak in a room of alumni and students, with the chance to personally thank the players. There will not be the youthful exuberance of this. And it certainly won’t be the first time all over again. As Steve said, “I think if I ever make it to heaven, it’ll be the lobby of the Weston”.
In hindsight, Meghan was probably right. This was a perfect storm of events, and I will likely always remember it as one of the greatest things I was ever apart of. While I was driving around Manhattan waiting for her to finish work, I had The Hold Steady on the radio, mostly just as background noise. You know how sometimes things just jump out at you for no real reason? Well, the line “Let this be my annual reminder that we could all be something bigger” smacked me right in the face. It is funny to think about it now, because if this weekend wasn’t that step up into something bigger, I don’t know what is. In five seconds we went from a perennially strong program to a Final Four program. It happened in the blink of an eye really. Expectations got bigger, our profile got bigger, our coach got bigger. I just hope the next step is half as fun.
Detroit
Distance: There-Home->Trenton, NJ->Southfield, MI. Approx 630 miles and ten hours
Back- Southfield->Trenton->Home. Approx 630 miles and ten and a half hours.
We drove to Detroit at night. Leaving the Trenton train station around 11:30 and arriving in the Detroit suburbs at around 8:30 AM led to a lot of darkness in distance while commuting through Western PA.
Everything you heard about Detroit is pretty spot on. Pretty neat area around the stadiums, some casinos, and then a whole lot of abandoned buildings. We went to a McDonald’s across from the hotel when we got there because it was too early to check in. My total was like $4. 57. I gave the girl a five and she ran it through this machine to confirm it wasn’t counterfeit. Yeah.
Pregame we drank some, saw Will Sheridan and scalped some tickets. All around a good time.
Ford Field was nice, Michigan State fans were kind of jerkoffs, and we got to watch the Nova game from the 17th row off the floor. So that was nice. I would estimate the Spartan crowd at 45-50k for the semifinals. They were everywhere. I thought maybe the dome would temper some of the crowd noise, but it did none of the such.
The bar we went to post game had two different white Michigan State fans trying to “spit rhymes” over a beat. Apparently they all think they are Eminem or Kid Rock. It was pretty funny, however. We then proceeded to a diner where I got two Chili dogs for four bucks, and we think we saw a pimp come in with a couple of his hos at 3 AM. There was also Michigan State fans there who didn’t quite understand why Jay wouldn’t become the next coach at Memphis. Again…yeah.
However, I was glad I went. It was very cool atmosphere, and who knows when you’ll get to go to the Final Four again. As I told Matt and Meg, I have lots of crazy ideas but it can be difficult at times to find people who are willing to go along with them.
About those future expectations, early reports seem to suggest we will be preseason top 5 next year despite losing the team’s top scorer. No pressure, Let’s do it again.
It is better than hoping to be relevant though, isn't it?
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