Five Things I Hate, Version Uno

This is going to be a regular feature in which I name five things I hate, and why. I hate a lot of things, so this shouldn't be difficult.

People Who Don't Make Right Turns On Red

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these people? There is a valid reason for making a right hand turn on red, and usually it involves "traffic flow". I am fine with people who aren't risk takers at lights, that's fine. But the people who sit there when no one is coming for miles should be kicked out of the country. Every time, this happens I want to yell "You inconsiderate prick, get the fuck out of the way" out the window. Are these people oblivious to the written law that says they can make right turns on red? Are they admiring the lovely traffic light scenery? Do they just not give a fuck?

The worst part is this is always the same person who is driving comfortably below the speed limit, so you know this is going to be a problem when you get to the light. You'd think knowing this would make me less angry when the act occurs, but for some reason it just pisses me off more.

They are also usually related to...

People Who Stop Where There Isn't a Stop Sign

This is an action mostly seen in shopping centers. Most shopping centers don't have stop signs when you enter them, because they want you to get in there faster (fucking marketing geniuses, these developers). This of course doesn't stop fucking idiots from stopping when they get to the first intersection of said shopping center. It usually leads to people at actual stop signs staring confused at the idiot who is randomly stopped. It also usually leads to the person behind said idiot to have to slam on their breaks because they didn't expect to have to randomly stop where there ISN'T A STOP SIGN.

Of course, after the stare down, someone has to go. If this goes according to the idiot who has stopped for no reason's apparent plan, everyone will try to go at the same time. Realizing this, everyone will then stop. Again. And stare at each other for a few seconds trying to figure out what to do. Again. These people should also all be deported.

Lazy Journalists and the Snowball Santa Story

If you google "santa snowball" (get your minds out of the gutters. fucking perverts) you don't get stories about the demon holiday or winter or Santa Claus. You get a story about Eagles fans throwing snowballs at Santa Claus. Fortunately, it is one that explains the stupidity of the whole thing. Long story short: it happened it 1968, there is a back story to it, we should stop talking about things that happened 40 years ago. But if you are a hack sportswriter/caster, you feel the fucking need to resuscitate this story as much as possible because you suck at your job and have nothing else to talk about.

This is as good a place as any to explain my theory on this. I have attended sporting events in many places in this country. I used to work game day security for the Eagles, so I have met a lot of fans from across the country. What I learned is that there is "Northeast fans" and there is everyone else. People from Boston, New York and Philly take this sports thing a bit more serious than everyone else. Maybe it has something to do with familial roots or population density, but there is a bit more "passion" from those fan bases than most anywhere else. And if you really wanted to, you could find examples of shitty behavior from Bostonians and New Yorkers at sporting events. You just don't hear it repeated as much, and I think part of that is that ESPN employees are stationed in New England and most major media publications come out of New York.

Don't get me wrong, I am not excusing what some assholes do. The flares at the Vet? Yeah, that guy is a douche. But the Capitals have now had incidents in consecutive years in the first round of the NHL playoffs with fan behavior, and no one really seems to give a shit. If that happened here, holy shit every news outlet in the country would be invading.

I am going to douse some myths here:

1. There is no prison at the Linc. There used to be one at the Vet after the flare incident, but that was not brought over from across the street.

2. We weren't booing Michael Irvin. We were booing Deion Sanders doing a healing dance around Michael Irvin. Big difference.

3. You don't immediately get beat up if you're opposing fan. If you aren't a douche, you will be fine. If you're a douche, all bets are off. I have been to Giants Stadium twice. Once we we're fine. The other was an 8 PM start and we got real drunk. We were douches, and someone threw a bottle at us. It happens.

When there is millions of people who all have an interest in something, a few are going to be real assholes. Just look at political parties. Are some Philadelphia fans assholes? Sure, but most of those people are too young to have thrown snowballs at Santa. Stop bringing it up, you fucking hacks.

(Ed. Note: I will say that Phillies/Mets games the past few seasons are kind of an exception to all this. The asshole quotient goes through the roof on both sides. Mets fans seem to go to CBP with the intent of getting into a fight, and I have heard the same thing happens in reverse. I think it has something to do with drinking in the heat. And high school kids drinking, because lets not kid ourselves: no one is a bigger douche than a drunk high school kid. These games are way worse than any other event I have been to, and that includes Eagles/Dallas games and Flyers/Penguins playoff games. Also, the Mets suck.)

Nancy Grace

What a C U Next Tuesday Nancy Grace is. For those that don't know Ms. Grace, she hosts a show on Headline News sensationalizing news stories. She in particularly loves a good "white girl gets kidnapped" story. That is when the dollar signs really show up in her eyes. She will have every family member, friend, acquaintance, former soccer coach, or townsperson of the kidnapped on her show.

I feel for these people, obviously. Something awful has happened. But our girl Nance is clearly just trying to make money off of these people's suffering. It is fucking awful, and pretty damn blatant if you ever really pay attention to. She has these wild eyes and she yells a lot and she makes wild claims and accusations. It is unsettling.

She often likes to point out that she was a prosecutor. And she was. What she usually fails to mention is that on her way out, the Georgia Supreme Court chided her for "inappropriate and illegal conduct in the course of the trial." A United States Court of Appeals called her ethics "fast and loose". Basically, she cheated. She would withhold evidence and on occasion do things she would surely have an on air hissy fit about if other people were caught doing.

Things like that are how prosecutors become the equivalent of lawyers chasing ambulances. She is a TV host chasing kidnappings. I bet she doesn't make right hand turns on red, either.

Radical Temperature Changes

What are the high temps in Philadelphia the past ten days, you ask?

51
68
55
70
73
88
92
90
87
73

What. The. Fuck. Tomorrow is supposed to be only 66. There is a 41 degree swing in there, including daily changes of +17, +15 (twice), -14, and -13. I know spring has crazy weather, but we almost had a fucking heat wave in April. More people are going to get sick from this than pig aids, but I don't see anyone freaking out over it.

My personal favorite day was the 24th, when the high was 73 and the low was 39. On an average spring day, that is like getting on a plane in Atlanta and landing in Anchorage.

I don't know how to blame for this, but my main suspect is the guy who created fluorocarbons. I don't know who he is, but I bet he is a real jerkoff. And really rich.