-If I don't know you or I haven't seen you in awhile, I have long hair. It looks ridiculous. Over the weekend, we played a drinking game that involved taking turns saying what other people have similar hair to mine. My favorite answer was Steve from Full House. Most answers were old hockey players or wrestlers, 80s movie stars and unattractive women.
-We We're Promised Jetpacks!
-I enjoy Scottish indie rock music way more than any person should.
-Listening to 610/97.5 the day after the Eagles get blown out by Dallas is amazing. Some guy went on a five minute tirade today about how Reid and McNabb are an "embarrassment to the city". There is a 97% chance this guy idolizes Buddy Ryan. Such an absurd fanbase. I think it has alot to do with how little Eagles losses bother me these days. Jack, Rush and I basically spent most of the second half Sunday cracking jokes and watching dogs jump into pools on ESPN2.
-You can't tell me watching TV isn't more pleasant without all these Christmas commercials. Unfortunately, only five months until they start again.
-College of Charleston beating North Carolina is just another reason on the long list of reasons college basketball is much better than the NBA. One could argue that college football is better than the NFL if that Boise/TCU game meant something. Boise gets to finish third or fourth! Hooray!
-When does the history channel officially change its name to "2012 Watch". About 75% of their programming is related to the belief that a people who ceased to exist as a civilization 300 years ago have properly assessed that the world is about to self-combust.
-Rudy is currently on. Overrated Notre Dame propaganda.
-I saw the phrases 200hate and 200swine today. That is funny to me.
-Finally, the man stops telling everyone to not do drugs, and just tells us how to do them right. My favorite tip is to prepare your drugs carefully.
-HBO is showing He's Just Not That Into You basically on a loop. I didn't know a movie with so many attractive women trying to get banged could be so awful and uninteresting.
-STEVE HOLT!
-Tucci just woke up, apparently just to lick herself. She then stood up and began circling around the spot she wanted to lay down. Randomly, she stopped, made eye contact with me and took a step forward. She then licked me right across the face. Thanks for that, dog.
-Deadspin recently had a post asking people to list the greatest sports event they attended in the aughts. I could probably write a book on my experiences at Game 5 of the 2008 World Series and the 2009 East Regional Final, probably with some mention to the 2003 NFC Championship Game, and why I cherish one more than the other. Someone get me a book agent.
-That post just led to me staring blankly into space for a good five minutes considering if I should start a blog basically detailing every memorable sports experience I had in the last ten years. It is a pretty extensive and impressive list. I then realized that I would get lazy after the first post and never post again.
-There was a time not too long ago that if an insanely rich heiress to a pharmaceutical fortune mysteriously disappeared and was found dead it would have been shocking. If she was engaged to a bi-sexual woman who had an MTV dating show it would have been even more shocking. In 2010? Seems kind of standard.
-I watched Revolutionary Road on HBO the other day. Still depressed.
-I read Infinite Jest the other month. Still blown away. And confused. Mostly confused. However, I think it says something amazing about such a long book that is so difficult to read that the first things I did after I finished it were a) re-read the first 50 pages then b) spend hours on the interwebz looking for others opinions.
-I listened to the new Vampire Weekend the other month. I like the last 4 tracks. Not sure of the first 6.
-Whenever their is an attractive woman on tv playing poker, my life seems a bit brighter.
-200swine, you will not be missed.
1/5/10
12/22/09
Brett Farve: A Decade Long of Playoff Awfulness
I like to fancy myself the original East Coast Brett Favre hater. Sure, it is passe to dislike the man now. And the good people of Chicago, Detroit and Minnesota (HA!) have hated him for close to two decades. But while he was being showered with adoration for feats accomplished in the past during late 90s and early 00s, I was despising him. Often vocally. People usually laughed me down or outright ignored me. Now the majority of Americans agree that Wrangler jeans suck and only losers would endorse them. Since I have your attention, I am ready to take this argument to next logical step.
Brett Favre is the biggest big game choke artist of the decade. It really isn't close and I have the evidence to prove it.
Lets recap Brett's playoff games since the turn of the millennium, shall we?
January 13th, 2002: Packers 25, 49ers 15
Favre: 22-29, 259 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT
Favre was still feeling good in his first playoff game of the decade. Good for him. This was back in the days when nobody had ever won a road playoff game at Lambeau, but our buddy Brett would take care of that soon enough. Admittedly a good start for Brett. Give it seven days.
January 20th, 2002: Rams 45, Packers 17
Favre: 26-44, 281 yards, 2 TD, 6 INT
The 2002 Rams went 14-2 and made the Super Bowl. A good team without question. That Rams team, however, was 26th in turnover differential at -10. They gave the ball up much more than they took it away. Enter the gunslinger! In a classic Favre performance, he threw 6 interceptions, THREE OF WHICH WERE RETURNED FOR TOUCHDOWNS. Just massively awful on the level of Jake Delhomme. The first pick 6 set the tone for the game, giving the Rams a 7-0 lead.
January 4th, 2003: Falcons 27, Packers 7
Favre: 20-42, 247, 1 TD, 2 INT
Remember that no visiting team had ever won a playoff game at Lambeau? Ends here, in what was actually a pretty great Brett playoff loss performance. He only threw two picks! Really took care of the ball. This was against a team he lit up for 37 on opening day. Typical Favre: look huge September and small in January. 2 TD and no picks in the opener.
January 4th, 2004: Packers 33, Seahawks 27
Favre: 26-38, 319, 1 TD, 0 INT
In a game most remembered by Matt Hasselback's declaration at the overtime coinflip that "we want the ball and we are going to score", Brett never saw the field in overtime as Hasselbeck proved he learned well from his one time mentor by throwing a horrific overtime pick 6. Farve played well. This was around the time people starting calling the Packers playoff run fate cause Brett's dad died.
January 11th, 2004: Eagles 20, Packers 17
Favre: 15-28, 180, 2 TD, 1 INT
Now, one might look at those numbers and think that Brett played reasonably well. And they would be correct, at least through regulation. For the second consecutive week, the Packers headed to overtime. Unfortunately for Green Bay, this time Brett had to play. After his defense, who are often blamed for this loss due to 4th and 26, forced the Eagles three and out, Brett the great threw a deep ball off his back foot. It looked more like a punt and landed safely in the arms of Brian Dawkins. No Packers were really around the ball. The Eagles won a few plays later.
January 9th, 2005: Vikings 31, Packers 17
Favre: 22-33, 216, 1 TD, 4 INT
All four picks happened while this was still a very competitive game. Typical Favre shitfest. Most memorable for me because this was when Collinsworth laughed it up saying how great Brett was when he illegally threw that underhand flip into the endzone. Penalties at the goal line are so funny! He's having such a good time! Gunslingin' it around! 4 picks in a home playoff game! Highlights with shitty music and graphics here.
January 12th, 2008: Packers 42, Seahawks 20
Favre: 18-23, 173, 3 TD, 0 INT
After three years away, Brett had his finest playoff moment of the decade. Thank God for the Seahawks or this would be a really ugly list for Brett. This set up a home NFC Championship Game in which the Packers would be huge favorites.
January 19th, 2008: Giants 23, Packers 20
Favre: 19-35, 236, 2 TD, 2 INT
This game went into overtime, and in his last game as a Packer at Lambeau he did this. That is Brett's last pass as a Packer at Lambeau field. A horrendous, back breaking playoff interception. So very appropriate. He put up decent numbers, but, as Brett often does, he loses the game for his team.
In total, we have 8 games. 3-5 record in total and 3-3 at home. 1-5 against team not from Seattle. 14 touchdowns against 18 interceptions. 2 interceptions in overtime that led directly to losses. We aren't even mentioning the December 2008 meltdown or the current mess occurring in Minneapolis. Brett Favre: Decade long playoff choke artist.
But he loves the play the game! All those other more successful quarterbacks are mean old football haters.
Brett Favre is the biggest big game choke artist of the decade. It really isn't close and I have the evidence to prove it.
Lets recap Brett's playoff games since the turn of the millennium, shall we?
January 13th, 2002: Packers 25, 49ers 15
Favre: 22-29, 259 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT
Favre was still feeling good in his first playoff game of the decade. Good for him. This was back in the days when nobody had ever won a road playoff game at Lambeau, but our buddy Brett would take care of that soon enough. Admittedly a good start for Brett. Give it seven days.
January 20th, 2002: Rams 45, Packers 17
Favre: 26-44, 281 yards, 2 TD, 6 INT
The 2002 Rams went 14-2 and made the Super Bowl. A good team without question. That Rams team, however, was 26th in turnover differential at -10. They gave the ball up much more than they took it away. Enter the gunslinger! In a classic Favre performance, he threw 6 interceptions, THREE OF WHICH WERE RETURNED FOR TOUCHDOWNS. Just massively awful on the level of Jake Delhomme. The first pick 6 set the tone for the game, giving the Rams a 7-0 lead.
January 4th, 2003: Falcons 27, Packers 7
Favre: 20-42, 247, 1 TD, 2 INT
Remember that no visiting team had ever won a playoff game at Lambeau? Ends here, in what was actually a pretty great Brett playoff loss performance. He only threw two picks! Really took care of the ball. This was against a team he lit up for 37 on opening day. Typical Favre: look huge September and small in January. 2 TD and no picks in the opener.
January 4th, 2004: Packers 33, Seahawks 27
Favre: 26-38, 319, 1 TD, 0 INT
In a game most remembered by Matt Hasselback's declaration at the overtime coinflip that "we want the ball and we are going to score", Brett never saw the field in overtime as Hasselbeck proved he learned well from his one time mentor by throwing a horrific overtime pick 6. Farve played well. This was around the time people starting calling the Packers playoff run fate cause Brett's dad died.
January 11th, 2004: Eagles 20, Packers 17
Favre: 15-28, 180, 2 TD, 1 INT
Now, one might look at those numbers and think that Brett played reasonably well. And they would be correct, at least through regulation. For the second consecutive week, the Packers headed to overtime. Unfortunately for Green Bay, this time Brett had to play. After his defense, who are often blamed for this loss due to 4th and 26, forced the Eagles three and out, Brett the great threw a deep ball off his back foot. It looked more like a punt and landed safely in the arms of Brian Dawkins. No Packers were really around the ball. The Eagles won a few plays later.
January 9th, 2005: Vikings 31, Packers 17
Favre: 22-33, 216, 1 TD, 4 INT
All four picks happened while this was still a very competitive game. Typical Favre shitfest. Most memorable for me because this was when Collinsworth laughed it up saying how great Brett was when he illegally threw that underhand flip into the endzone. Penalties at the goal line are so funny! He's having such a good time! Gunslingin' it around! 4 picks in a home playoff game! Highlights with shitty music and graphics here.
January 12th, 2008: Packers 42, Seahawks 20
Favre: 18-23, 173, 3 TD, 0 INT
After three years away, Brett had his finest playoff moment of the decade. Thank God for the Seahawks or this would be a really ugly list for Brett. This set up a home NFC Championship Game in which the Packers would be huge favorites.
January 19th, 2008: Giants 23, Packers 20
Favre: 19-35, 236, 2 TD, 2 INT
This game went into overtime, and in his last game as a Packer at Lambeau he did this. That is Brett's last pass as a Packer at Lambeau field. A horrendous, back breaking playoff interception. So very appropriate. He put up decent numbers, but, as Brett often does, he loses the game for his team.
In total, we have 8 games. 3-5 record in total and 3-3 at home. 1-5 against team not from Seattle. 14 touchdowns against 18 interceptions. 2 interceptions in overtime that led directly to losses. We aren't even mentioning the December 2008 meltdown or the current mess occurring in Minneapolis. Brett Favre: Decade long playoff choke artist.
But he loves the play the game! All those other more successful quarterbacks are mean old football haters.
12/21/09
Christmas Commercial Critique: Kay Jewelers
I assume that you have already seen this commercial, because despite its absurdity it runs non fucking stop. I have yet to speak with anyone who doesn't think this commercial is ridiculous on every possible level. So let's discuss Kay Jewelers attempt at a Christmas horror story.
See this abomination here.
:00-:05--The setting of the Christmas horror is provided. Deep in the woods a thunderstorm rages through the forest. An especially long and violent clap of thunder leads into the character introductions.
:06-:11--We find the happy couple...watching the thunderstorm through the window? Huh? Why are they doing that? It isn't like it is a snow storm that blankets everything and makes it look nice or something. It is raining outside. Why would you want to watch rain? The female of the couple reacts like someone just got shot at the clap of thunder. If she is this jumpy by the sounds of thunder, why the hell is she standing at a window in the middle of a fucking thunderstorm? Of course, this leads her into the arms of her creepy boyfriend with the even creepier voice who spouts the extremely creepy line "I'm right here...and I always will be". At this point, I assume he is the murderer. He is giving her the $99 piece of Kay jewelry to lull her into a false sense of security. I mean, the guy is standing around watching thunderstorms in a dark forest. He is probably fucked in the head.
:11-:22--We get a voice over telling us the glory of the $79.99 love's embrace collection. It is also at this time when the murdered wraps his victim in some sort of supernatural force field. This is all made more confusing by the victim's appearance of pleasure. We already know she doesn't like the storm. And I doubt it is the cheap mall jewelry store necklace that is bringing her happiness. So what is she happy about? This is a real head scratcher. I got nothing.
:23-:30--The commercial ends with some more creepy dialogue and the ever present this time of year "Every Kiss begins with Kay" tagline. Of course, they are still standing in front of the window where the storm that scared this woman so much is going on. Close the blinds and sit on the couch for fuck's sake.
Jewelry store Christmas commercials are the absolute worst. Unfortunately, they are unavoidable this time of year. If I have to see that damn Jane Seymour open hearts commercial one more time I may manually open my heart with my hand so it will stop.
The most confusing part is that these commercial are presumably focused on men, and every man I know derides and/or hates these commercials. Who do these appeal to? The only people I can think of, especially considering the price point of the product, is teenagers. Fucking teenagers.
Four days until all this bullshit disappears for 9 months!
See this abomination here.
:00-:05--The setting of the Christmas horror is provided. Deep in the woods a thunderstorm rages through the forest. An especially long and violent clap of thunder leads into the character introductions.
:06-:11--We find the happy couple...watching the thunderstorm through the window? Huh? Why are they doing that? It isn't like it is a snow storm that blankets everything and makes it look nice or something. It is raining outside. Why would you want to watch rain? The female of the couple reacts like someone just got shot at the clap of thunder. If she is this jumpy by the sounds of thunder, why the hell is she standing at a window in the middle of a fucking thunderstorm? Of course, this leads her into the arms of her creepy boyfriend with the even creepier voice who spouts the extremely creepy line "I'm right here...and I always will be". At this point, I assume he is the murderer. He is giving her the $99 piece of Kay jewelry to lull her into a false sense of security. I mean, the guy is standing around watching thunderstorms in a dark forest. He is probably fucked in the head.
:11-:22--We get a voice over telling us the glory of the $79.99 love's embrace collection. It is also at this time when the murdered wraps his victim in some sort of supernatural force field. This is all made more confusing by the victim's appearance of pleasure. We already know she doesn't like the storm. And I doubt it is the cheap mall jewelry store necklace that is bringing her happiness. So what is she happy about? This is a real head scratcher. I got nothing.
:23-:30--The commercial ends with some more creepy dialogue and the ever present this time of year "Every Kiss begins with Kay" tagline. Of course, they are still standing in front of the window where the storm that scared this woman so much is going on. Close the blinds and sit on the couch for fuck's sake.
Jewelry store Christmas commercials are the absolute worst. Unfortunately, they are unavoidable this time of year. If I have to see that damn Jane Seymour open hearts commercial one more time I may manually open my heart with my hand so it will stop.
The most confusing part is that these commercial are presumably focused on men, and every man I know derides and/or hates these commercials. Who do these appeal to? The only people I can think of, especially considering the price point of the product, is teenagers. Fucking teenagers.
Four days until all this bullshit disappears for 9 months!
12/7/09
Christmas Commercial Critique: Mastercard
Christ, I am lazy. This is such a strong idea and I have nothing but free time, but nothing ever gets done. At minimum, I can promise at least one more of these. If you think that creepy jewelry store commercial in which the couple is in a cabin during a thunderstorm will go without scorn, you are sadly mistaken. That will have to wait however, since today we turn our focus to Mastercard.
The commercial can be seen here.
So let's delve right into this one.
:00-:07. Oh look! It is another Peyton Manning commercial. About time that man gets some publicity. Seriously, isn't the "I am so dumb, look how big of a hick I am" angle Peyton plays in most of these things a bit played out? It is clear the guy is pretty bright. He is basically coaching an undefeated NFL team, he has more money than god and he has managed to be incredibly famous for a decade without any sort of trouble or scandal. I get its supposed to be funny because he is giving his center a football, but I doubt most people get that. I get that the point is he is giving people stupid gifts. But its boring and unfunny. They are just playing the dumb hick angle, and it is no longer new or interesting. You're better than that, Peyton.
:08-:12. Is that...Alyson Hannigan? Huh? Do Manning and Hannigan have any kind of connection? They don't have similar jobs, one is much more famous than the other, they don't appeal to the same group of people and they don't really complement each other in way. If you are trying to appeal to everyone you aren't appealing to anyone. Alyson Hannigan?
:13-:17. Maybe this woman has serious issue with grinding her teeth and the mouth guard is a very thoughtful gift by Peyton. DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT MASTERCARD? He should have done us all a favor and given her a helmet.
:17-:24. Old man humor. Yesssssssss. I wonder how much the ad wizards who came up with this one got paid.
:24-:30. Peyton and Alyson awkwardly stare at each other. It is like they are as equally confused as I am about this pairing. Making it worse, the product they are shilling for is terrible. Of course it has a terrible facebook tie in, but I ignored that and decided I would try to find a gift for my friend Vick. I filled out the questionnaire, saying Vick is the connoisseur. .
Now I have Peyton Manning talking to me. He jokingly suggests a heating pad. What a kidder. The program than suggests I purchase a glass set. Or the complete works of Shakespeare. Hope you aren't reading, buddy!
The commercial can be seen here.
So let's delve right into this one.
:00-:07. Oh look! It is another Peyton Manning commercial. About time that man gets some publicity. Seriously, isn't the "I am so dumb, look how big of a hick I am" angle Peyton plays in most of these things a bit played out? It is clear the guy is pretty bright. He is basically coaching an undefeated NFL team, he has more money than god and he has managed to be incredibly famous for a decade without any sort of trouble or scandal. I get its supposed to be funny because he is giving his center a football, but I doubt most people get that. I get that the point is he is giving people stupid gifts. But its boring and unfunny. They are just playing the dumb hick angle, and it is no longer new or interesting. You're better than that, Peyton.
:08-:12. Is that...Alyson Hannigan? Huh? Do Manning and Hannigan have any kind of connection? They don't have similar jobs, one is much more famous than the other, they don't appeal to the same group of people and they don't really complement each other in way. If you are trying to appeal to everyone you aren't appealing to anyone. Alyson Hannigan?
:13-:17. Maybe this woman has serious issue with grinding her teeth and the mouth guard is a very thoughtful gift by Peyton. DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT MASTERCARD? He should have done us all a favor and given her a helmet.
:17-:24. Old man humor. Yesssssssss. I wonder how much the ad wizards who came up with this one got paid.
:24-:30. Peyton and Alyson awkwardly stare at each other. It is like they are as equally confused as I am about this pairing. Making it worse, the product they are shilling for is terrible. Of course it has a terrible facebook tie in, but I ignored that and decided I would try to find a gift for my friend Vick. I filled out the questionnaire, saying Vick is the connoisseur. .
Now I have Peyton Manning talking to me. He jokingly suggests a heating pad. What a kidder. The program than suggests I purchase a glass set. Or the complete works of Shakespeare. Hope you aren't reading, buddy!
11/13/09
Christmas Commercial Critique: The Gap
Today is Friday, November 13th. Christmas commercials have been running steadily for at least a week now. What. The. Fuck. It's still two weeks until Thanksgiving! So I figured I would use this mostly dormant space to combine my distaste of most commercials with my hatred of Christmas into complaining about the vapidity of Christmas commercials.
First a note: that ridiculous jewelry store commercial from last year is back with the guy and the deaf girl. Apparently others found it just as insane I did this guy was going to marry this girl without having any real fucking way to communicate with her. So this year, he just gives her a watch while poorly signing things in her direction. Much better.
So let's start the 2009 Christmas commercial critique season with....THE GAP!!!
Click here to see this monstrosity
Fuck you, High School Musical. At least that is who I am blaming for this infiltration of dancing cheerleaders types who are chant singing things at me. Commercials, tv shows, movies...its everywhere. I don't care if people want to watch these things, but if I have to see or hear one more Glee commercial during a football game on Fox I am going to lose it.
According to the New York Times, this is the first Gap Christmas commercial since 2006. Sometime in the future, when someone is writing about the fall of the American Empire, I hope they fucking mention November 2009 when the American paper of record started reviewing fucking Christmas commercials by a clothing store that aren't about clothing in any way.
So let's break down this atrocious 30 seconds. The first eight seconds contain the "lyrics" 2, 4, 6, 8 'tis the time to liberate! Go Christmas, go Hanukkah, go Kwanzaa, Go Solstice!
If you're like me you were wondering what the hell Solstice is referring to. Some sort of Muslim/Hindi/Buddhist winter holiday? Not that I can find. It seems they a cheering on the coming of winter. WHO THE FUCK CHEERS FOR WINTER?!?! I also enjoy that it begins with a bit of a devious look from the presumed best looking girl in the ad. You know things are about to get serious when she gets that look. Also, the ad wizard that decided to use "'tis" instead of this should be executed. Christ, I hate this time of year. And liberate? Liberate from what? I would like to liberate myself from the planet knowing I am going to see this commercial 5,394,277 times in the next seven weeks.
From 8 to 12 seconds we get Go classic tree, Go plastic tree, Go plant a tree, Go without a tree.
THEY ARE USING THE WORD GO AS A DOUBLE MEANING! HOW CLEVER! First they were rooting on various holidays and seasonal events, now they are listing your options in Christmas trees. Unless you want to plant one. Because planting trees in December is an idea full of win. Of course, this is all happening while they dance around in stylish sweaters that can no doubt be found at the Gap!
Next up, after some rhythmic grunting, is You 86 the rules, You do what just feels right, Happy do whateveryouwannakah, and to all a cheery night.
I can't possibly explain to you how painful it was for me to type that sentence. So now we are not only liberating, but we are 86'ing the rules? I am still confused to as what. They certainly 86'ed grammar rules and good taste and creativity with the term do whateveryouwannakah. If this was Adam Sandler circa 1996, that would be cutting edge and hilarious. But its a Gap commercial circa 2009 so its just lame and stupid. But hey, a hot blonde! And children on a ledge that appears to have no way down! Maybe someone should liberate them. That would probably feel right.
The last seven seconds of the commercial contains some people applauding themselves and sliding across the floor. Plus the slogan "Ready for Holiday Cheer". The lack of a question mark suggests they aren't asking, but instead telling us that they are ready for holiday cheer. Excellent. I know I am ready to go buy some jeans and sweaters now!
I may just go crawl into a hole for the next month and a half. Someone come find me for New Years.
First a note: that ridiculous jewelry store commercial from last year is back with the guy and the deaf girl. Apparently others found it just as insane I did this guy was going to marry this girl without having any real fucking way to communicate with her. So this year, he just gives her a watch while poorly signing things in her direction. Much better.
So let's start the 2009 Christmas commercial critique season with....THE GAP!!!
Click here to see this monstrosity
Fuck you, High School Musical. At least that is who I am blaming for this infiltration of dancing cheerleaders types who are chant singing things at me. Commercials, tv shows, movies...its everywhere. I don't care if people want to watch these things, but if I have to see or hear one more Glee commercial during a football game on Fox I am going to lose it.
According to the New York Times, this is the first Gap Christmas commercial since 2006. Sometime in the future, when someone is writing about the fall of the American Empire, I hope they fucking mention November 2009 when the American paper of record started reviewing fucking Christmas commercials by a clothing store that aren't about clothing in any way.
So let's break down this atrocious 30 seconds. The first eight seconds contain the "lyrics" 2, 4, 6, 8 'tis the time to liberate! Go Christmas, go Hanukkah, go Kwanzaa, Go Solstice!
If you're like me you were wondering what the hell Solstice is referring to. Some sort of Muslim/Hindi/Buddhist winter holiday? Not that I can find. It seems they a cheering on the coming of winter. WHO THE FUCK CHEERS FOR WINTER?!?! I also enjoy that it begins with a bit of a devious look from the presumed best looking girl in the ad. You know things are about to get serious when she gets that look. Also, the ad wizard that decided to use "'tis" instead of this should be executed. Christ, I hate this time of year. And liberate? Liberate from what? I would like to liberate myself from the planet knowing I am going to see this commercial 5,394,277 times in the next seven weeks.
From 8 to 12 seconds we get Go classic tree, Go plastic tree, Go plant a tree, Go without a tree.
THEY ARE USING THE WORD GO AS A DOUBLE MEANING! HOW CLEVER! First they were rooting on various holidays and seasonal events, now they are listing your options in Christmas trees. Unless you want to plant one. Because planting trees in December is an idea full of win. Of course, this is all happening while they dance around in stylish sweaters that can no doubt be found at the Gap!
Next up, after some rhythmic grunting, is You 86 the rules, You do what just feels right, Happy do whateveryouwannakah, and to all a cheery night.
I can't possibly explain to you how painful it was for me to type that sentence. So now we are not only liberating, but we are 86'ing the rules? I am still confused to as what. They certainly 86'ed grammar rules and good taste and creativity with the term do whateveryouwannakah. If this was Adam Sandler circa 1996, that would be cutting edge and hilarious. But its a Gap commercial circa 2009 so its just lame and stupid. But hey, a hot blonde! And children on a ledge that appears to have no way down! Maybe someone should liberate them. That would probably feel right.
The last seven seconds of the commercial contains some people applauding themselves and sliding across the floor. Plus the slogan "Ready for Holiday Cheer". The lack of a question mark suggests they aren't asking, but instead telling us that they are ready for holiday cheer. Excellent. I know I am ready to go buy some jeans and sweaters now!
I may just go crawl into a hole for the next month and a half. Someone come find me for New Years.
9/23/09
Billboard top 40: Six Months Later
While it may seem redundant for me to double up on a category when I have only posted like 20 times, I just watched a video of a cartoon Sean Kingston rapping, looking non-obese and standing about two feet tall. It was at that point I knew it was time for a reprisal. This is from Billboard, published date September 26, 2009.
1. I Gotta Feeling-Black Eyed Peas
I gotta feeling I'm going to regret undertaking this endeavor. I gotta feeling this is one the most annoying songs of all time. I gotta feeling that the world would be better served in Fergie had permanent laryngitis. I gotta feeling guidos at the North Jersey Shore LOVE this song. I gotta feeling this blog post is going to be full of easy jokes like this.
2. Down-Jay Sean ft. Lil' Wayne
It only took until number two for the first song I didn't know simply by the title/artist. Plus our first Lil' Wayne appearance. Good to know the man still hasn't learned how to say no. Jay Sean kind of looks like a Baghdadi teenager. On some research, his real name is Kamaljit Singh Jhooti. Hah. I know a terrorist when I see one! He is British though....fucking British, harboring terrorists and then unleashing them on us to sing useless overplayed pop music that no one will remember in six months! Lil' Wayne is down like the economy! What a timely reference to our nation's suffering! I suppose that is to be expected from the man who added some guy named Kamaljit to his record label.
3. Party in the USA-Miley Cyrus
First time I heard this on the radio, my immediate reaction was "Why the fuck is this on the radio? It sounds like Kidz Bop." Then I found out it was by Miley Cyrus and became even more convinced that Americans will consume anything if it is created by a familiar name. This song is horrendous. Note to Miley: if you are going to include a terrible line like "A Jay-Z song was on" or "A Britney song was on", it is best not to repeat it in an effort to make crystal clear how poor your song writer is.
4. Run This Town- Jay-Z ft. Rihanna and Kayne West
Fun Fact: This software recognizes Kayne as a word. God Bless America. It doesn't recognize Rihanna. I think its xenophobic towards Barbados, but that's just me. This song features more Rihanna than Jay-Z, so shouldn't this be a Rihanna song? Why are rappers always bragging about being "fresher" than other rappers? I think they have self esteem problems. I'm beasting off this Reisling? Is Kayne bragging about drinking white wine? That doesn't seem very fresh. Or maybe a well made white is the new Cristal and I am just horribly behind the times. Maybe it is me who isn't fresh.
5. Use Somebody-Kings of Leon
SOMEONE LIKE YOU OHHHHHHAAAAAOOOHHHHHAAAAOOOHHHHHH. This song is a year old America. Let's move it out of the top 5.
6. You Belong With Me-Taylor Swift
Perfectly acceptable pop song by a perfectly acceptable attractive, blonde and of legal age pop singer. But let's stop trying to act like Taylor Swift wasn't far and away the best looking girl in whatever hick high school she was attending in Reading, even is she wore those ridiculous glasses she is wearing in the video. I have met girls from Reading, and Taylor Swift is no regular girl from Reading. I didn't get that "I'm in the bleachers" meant she was in the band until I watched the video. Huh.
7. Whatcha Say-Jason DeRulo
I just heard this for the first time. Jesus fucking christ is this terrible. Apparently, its a sample of a Imogen Heap song. Seriously. Mediocre pop musicians are sampling Imogen Heap. Maybe we are better off if the Mayans are right about 2012.
8. Obsessed-Mariah Carey
"It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth." Also, this video gives the impression Mariah Carey is stalking herself. Quite the message from a woman who spent some time in a mental health facility a few years ago.
9. Hotel Room Service-Pitbull
This is the most repetitive song ever. Which is generally fine, because it is supposed to be a club song I guess. I never understood how songs like this end up on the radio. Do people dance in their cars? Do they like to just envision themselves dancing? OH ROOM SERVICE IS AN EUPHEMISM FOR SEXUAL RELATIONS IN A HOTEL I GET IT.
10. Good Girls Gone Bad-Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester
So is this supposed to make people think Leighton Meester can sing? Cause she can't. I mean, she can melodically talk over a produced beat. But that isn't really singing. The underground casino with hot chicks running around in this video seems like my type of place. Also, if he heard she was trouble, doesn't that eliminate the possibility she is a good girl? Seems like someone already turned her bad, Cobra Starship. More harmless pop music disguised as rock music most likely made by guys who regularly get hammered off Smirnoff Ice. How else would they come up with Cobra Starship? But they seem dangerous to 14 year old girls! Next.
11. She Wolf-Shakira
Vickery LOVES Shakira. This is not her best effort, again proving if you made hit songs before, the next load of crap you produce will likely also be a hit song. I enjoy the skin colored body suit in the video though. Thanks for that.
12. Knock You Down- Keri Hilson ft. Kayne West and Ne-Yo
In my unhumble opinion, this is the best of the Keri Hilson songs that have bombarded the American public in the past year. I will ignore the ridiculous poker terminology at the beginning (Its like a min-raise when I already won first place? That makes no fucking sense), because the Kayne lines about Joe and Michael Jackson were hilarious even before the events of the last few months. She also appears taller than Kayne, which amuses me. I like Ne-Yo name dropping his own song in his verse as well. Nicely done.
13. Best I Ever Had-Drake
A new young rapper spins a yarn about his first love and how important she was to his life and development, mostly through metaphors about how well they suck his dick. No one has ever done that before! What an original concept! People who work in the music industry must laugh at the general population. This one name drops Andy Griffith though. That's new. And the video references the Mighty Ducks. So points for that, as well.
14. Throw it in the Bag-Fabolous ft. The Dream
Fabolous has been back for four months and I had no idea! The video is filmed in a style of five years ago though, so maybe Fab was frozen or something. Maybe he doesn't know time has passed. This song is mediocre in every possible way. There is nothing creative or distinctive about it.
15. Boom Boom Pow-The Black Eyed Peas
The Earplugs! They do nothing! This song actually moved up from 19 this week. HOW IS THIS SONG GETTING MORE POPULAR. WHAT THE FUCK.
16. Battlefield-Jordin Sparks
Another original concept: love as a battlefield. This month's award for song that teenage girls cry to while fighting with their boyfriends over who he was talking to in math class: Jordin Sparks! By the way, when is fair to talk about how American Idol has produced a bunch of long terms losers, outside of Clarkson. Sure, the lemmings all buy their first albums, but then they do nothing. Why is this show so popular again?
17. Break Up-Mario ft. Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett
Gucci Mane is underrated as a ridiculous looking and acting rapper. He needs more camera time. The story of this song is: girl breaks up with guy. Guy is confused. He lists all the things he buys for her despite exterior shots of a poor Baltimore neighborhood. He then laments maybe it is because he fucks random bitches all the time. He then calls her "vanilla"...but shes a model to him! That's right, you may be an ugly ho to everyone else, but your beautiful to him. Have I mentioned how awesome Gucci Mane is?
18.Papparazzi- Lady GaGa
So the theory that Lady GaGa isnt trying to produce good music has been floated to me. She just wants to dress up like a dumbass and be famous. It's "performance art". Interesting theory, that gains traciton because she certainly isn't producing good music. I wonder if the "She has penis" rumor was also part of the performance art. In this video she kills her boyfriend, but appears to get in no trouble. Huh?
19. Be On You-Flo Rida ft. Ne-Yo
Subtle title. This video has 6.5 million views on YouTube. That is amazing to me. "If you don't like that, send it right back. But I just gotta say, I wanna be on you." I approve of the ridiculous audacity of this song.
20. Big Green Tractor- Jason Aldean
Ya know, Abe, you should have maybe let them go. I get the whole unity of the Union of the argument, and I guess there was no way for you to know this was going to happen. But in hindsight, we probably would have been okay without them. Sure, Mexican level poverty would be a little too close for comfort with the BosWash area, but sometimes sacrifices need to be made. "We can go to town, but baby if you'd rather, we can take a ride of my big green tractor." Tennessee romance.
21. Say Hey (I love you)-Michael Franti and Spearhead ft/Cherine Anderson
What. Is. This? It isn't quite country music. Nor reggae. Or hip-hop. I guess its a bit of the three. Huh. It had a steel drum. Spearhead? Who or what is Spearhead? It is certainly upbeat. So that's nice. I really don't know what to say here. Moving on.
22. Love Drunk-Boys Like Girls
They used to be love drunk, now just hungover. That's the way to turn a phrase boys! I sort of have the same haircut as the lead singer. That can't possibly be a good sign. Seeing/hearing teenage angst when you are no longer a teenager makes you hate yourself as a teenager.
23. Fallin' for You-Colbie Caillat
This video features a tall, pretty blonde on a date with a short, stocky man with a jew fro. I mean, he drives a Chrysler, so that isn't it. He also seems clumsy and socially awkward. He is wearing some sort of snow boots on the beach. He rides a segway with a hemlet. This is giving to false hope to poor, clumsy, jew fro'd short men across the globe. The song sucks too.
24. No Surprise-Daughtry
I'm surprised people keep listening to Daughtry.
25. I Know You Want Me-Pitbull
This has 55 million views on YouTube. Before it plays, a Geico commercial plays. This song is very catchy, and then it gets old extremely quickly. Not sure how it is still charting so highly.
26. 21 Guns-Green Day
The best part of this song is that there is long, spiteful argument going on through YouTube about whether or not Green Day is emo. Lots of angry emo kids. No one has gotten more from three chords than Green Day. From songs about jerking off to political statements.
27. Waking Up in Vegas-Katy Perry
So the point of this song is that Kary Perry and her male companion lost everything they had one night in Vegas, including keys to their room and her fake ID, but then managed to turn the last few dollars they had into some sort of fortune. And that is what one gets for waking up in Vegas. A less than fifty percent chance you will return home destitute. Hmm, seems reasonable to me. I am booking the flight as we speak.
28. Fire Burning-Sean Kingston
The only value of this song is that it led to the video parody "Colby Burning in the Outfield". If you haven't seen it, take the time to look it up. It is awesome. That single, double, triple that smoooooth home run. When that ball is on the field you best believe a run is gonna score. Wipe that eye black off onto my shirt. Seriously, I can't listen to this without hearing that. Which is fine, because this song sucks.
29. One Time-Justin Beiber
Oh wow this is great. It is like Aaron Carter returned, but he is hanging out with Usher. He is rocking the half hood look in the video, which is superb. This song sucks, but it is entirely worth it just for the singer's appearance on the music scene and the amazingly awkward video.
30. Ice Cream Paint Job-Dorrough
Are the rims big? WHHHHA? Cream on the inside, clean on the outside. Just another presumably poor, inner city youth's love song to his car. Such a stereotype. Nothing to see here. Kimbo Slice, St. Lunatics and Saved by the Bell references.
31. Toes-Zac Brown Band
They are hicks and proud of it! At least Floaty Boatwood is. That is the name of the character in the video. Srsly. Toes in the water, ass in the sand indeed. They randomly yell something in Spanish in the middle of the song. As far as I can tell, these guys are just some Georgians who want to go to Mexico to drink mediocre beer, smoke some weed, and perhaps sexually assault a bartender. The video contains a midget and a Brett Farve jersey. I think I have said all that needs to be said here.
32. Never Say Never-The Fray
It sounds like all the rest of the songs by The Fray.
33. Sweet Dreams-Beyonce
Kind of surprising it took until 33 to get a Beyonce appearance. Typical Beyonce song. Seems to be some sort of internal lover's conflict. Could be good. Could be bad. She is trying to work through it, but only on her terms. The video consists of her wearing something revealing and dancing around sluttily. Standard.
34. Pretty Wings-Maxwell
Apparently, this is chapter one of a trilogy from Maxwell. It is nice to have Maxwell back after his long hiatus. Its a song about him fucking a chick. Like all the rest of the Maxwell songs. This one is about him banging someone else's girl though. Pop artists are really repetitive. This has a horn in it. That is Maxwell's creative expansion. I bet Grebe loves this song.
35. Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson
I am tired of hearing about how Kelly Clarkson is proud that she got fat. I really don't care she is eating too many fried oreos down in Texas. I'd prefer if she didn't, but that's her prerogative. I just don't want to have see headlines saying she is proud of her "big ass". Why do I need to hear about this? I don't give a fuck. Apparently its "empowering". So she feels like the relationship she is in is no good for the guy in this song, so she just takes off. Seems unnecessary. No note? No explanation? No goodbye viewing of your big ass?
36. American Ride-Toby Keith
What the world needs: Toby Keith's musical opinion on global warming, amongst other socio-political topics of our day. Why is wanting to fight unprovoked wars that kill Americans patriotic, but wanting to enact changes to health care to save American lives unpatriotic? Sorry, won't mention craziness like that again. At least Toby admits Carrie Prejean can't sing. He seems to think that she lost her title because she gained five pounds though. Not 'cause she hates gay people. Sigh. Actual YouTube quote on this video: "this song blows more cock than a phillipino hooker". (sic), obviously.
37. Please Don't Leave Me-Pink
Pink is all over the place. Last time we did this, she was liberated from her husband. Now they are back together and singing songs threatening to cut him into pieces if he leaves. Crazy ass bitches and their wild mood swings from Central Bucks East. I never knew anyone like that.
38. I'm Yours-Jason Mraz
This song has been on the charts for 74 weeks. If you want my opinion on this, go back to the last time I did this activity. Nothing has changed.
39. Evacuate the Dancefloor-Cascada
I wonder if Cascada is a biblical name. I wonder how many strippers dance to this song per night. I wonder how quickly the world will forget this song exists. I give it to Thanksgiving at the latest.
40. New Divide-Linkin Park
I thought Linkin Park was no more. I hate them. I blame Michael Bay for this. Asshole.
Bonus!
61. Alright-Darius Rucker
Darius Rucker is Hootie. You know, from the Blowfish. He is now a solo artist and has a top 100 single. Peaked at 30. Awesome.
93. Face Drop-Sean Kingston
This is the song where Sean Kingston reverts to a short, skinny cartoon in the video. Watch and be amazed.
1. I Gotta Feeling-Black Eyed Peas
I gotta feeling I'm going to regret undertaking this endeavor. I gotta feeling this is one the most annoying songs of all time. I gotta feeling that the world would be better served in Fergie had permanent laryngitis. I gotta feeling guidos at the North Jersey Shore LOVE this song. I gotta feeling this blog post is going to be full of easy jokes like this.
2. Down-Jay Sean ft. Lil' Wayne
It only took until number two for the first song I didn't know simply by the title/artist. Plus our first Lil' Wayne appearance. Good to know the man still hasn't learned how to say no. Jay Sean kind of looks like a Baghdadi teenager. On some research, his real name is Kamaljit Singh Jhooti. Hah. I know a terrorist when I see one! He is British though....fucking British, harboring terrorists and then unleashing them on us to sing useless overplayed pop music that no one will remember in six months! Lil' Wayne is down like the economy! What a timely reference to our nation's suffering! I suppose that is to be expected from the man who added some guy named Kamaljit to his record label.
3. Party in the USA-Miley Cyrus
First time I heard this on the radio, my immediate reaction was "Why the fuck is this on the radio? It sounds like Kidz Bop." Then I found out it was by Miley Cyrus and became even more convinced that Americans will consume anything if it is created by a familiar name. This song is horrendous. Note to Miley: if you are going to include a terrible line like "A Jay-Z song was on" or "A Britney song was on", it is best not to repeat it in an effort to make crystal clear how poor your song writer is.
4. Run This Town- Jay-Z ft. Rihanna and Kayne West
Fun Fact: This software recognizes Kayne as a word. God Bless America. It doesn't recognize Rihanna. I think its xenophobic towards Barbados, but that's just me. This song features more Rihanna than Jay-Z, so shouldn't this be a Rihanna song? Why are rappers always bragging about being "fresher" than other rappers? I think they have self esteem problems. I'm beasting off this Reisling? Is Kayne bragging about drinking white wine? That doesn't seem very fresh. Or maybe a well made white is the new Cristal and I am just horribly behind the times. Maybe it is me who isn't fresh.
5. Use Somebody-Kings of Leon
SOMEONE LIKE YOU OHHHHHHAAAAAOOOHHHHHAAAAOOOHHHHHH. This song is a year old America. Let's move it out of the top 5.
6. You Belong With Me-Taylor Swift
Perfectly acceptable pop song by a perfectly acceptable attractive, blonde and of legal age pop singer. But let's stop trying to act like Taylor Swift wasn't far and away the best looking girl in whatever hick high school she was attending in Reading, even is she wore those ridiculous glasses she is wearing in the video. I have met girls from Reading, and Taylor Swift is no regular girl from Reading. I didn't get that "I'm in the bleachers" meant she was in the band until I watched the video. Huh.
7. Whatcha Say-Jason DeRulo
I just heard this for the first time. Jesus fucking christ is this terrible. Apparently, its a sample of a Imogen Heap song. Seriously. Mediocre pop musicians are sampling Imogen Heap. Maybe we are better off if the Mayans are right about 2012.
8. Obsessed-Mariah Carey
"It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth." Also, this video gives the impression Mariah Carey is stalking herself. Quite the message from a woman who spent some time in a mental health facility a few years ago.
9. Hotel Room Service-Pitbull
This is the most repetitive song ever. Which is generally fine, because it is supposed to be a club song I guess. I never understood how songs like this end up on the radio. Do people dance in their cars? Do they like to just envision themselves dancing? OH ROOM SERVICE IS AN EUPHEMISM FOR SEXUAL RELATIONS IN A HOTEL I GET IT.
10. Good Girls Gone Bad-Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester
So is this supposed to make people think Leighton Meester can sing? Cause she can't. I mean, she can melodically talk over a produced beat. But that isn't really singing. The underground casino with hot chicks running around in this video seems like my type of place. Also, if he heard she was trouble, doesn't that eliminate the possibility she is a good girl? Seems like someone already turned her bad, Cobra Starship. More harmless pop music disguised as rock music most likely made by guys who regularly get hammered off Smirnoff Ice. How else would they come up with Cobra Starship? But they seem dangerous to 14 year old girls! Next.
11. She Wolf-Shakira
Vickery LOVES Shakira. This is not her best effort, again proving if you made hit songs before, the next load of crap you produce will likely also be a hit song. I enjoy the skin colored body suit in the video though. Thanks for that.
12. Knock You Down- Keri Hilson ft. Kayne West and Ne-Yo
In my unhumble opinion, this is the best of the Keri Hilson songs that have bombarded the American public in the past year. I will ignore the ridiculous poker terminology at the beginning (Its like a min-raise when I already won first place? That makes no fucking sense), because the Kayne lines about Joe and Michael Jackson were hilarious even before the events of the last few months. She also appears taller than Kayne, which amuses me. I like Ne-Yo name dropping his own song in his verse as well. Nicely done.
13. Best I Ever Had-Drake
A new young rapper spins a yarn about his first love and how important she was to his life and development, mostly through metaphors about how well they suck his dick. No one has ever done that before! What an original concept! People who work in the music industry must laugh at the general population. This one name drops Andy Griffith though. That's new. And the video references the Mighty Ducks. So points for that, as well.
14. Throw it in the Bag-Fabolous ft. The Dream
Fabolous has been back for four months and I had no idea! The video is filmed in a style of five years ago though, so maybe Fab was frozen or something. Maybe he doesn't know time has passed. This song is mediocre in every possible way. There is nothing creative or distinctive about it.
15. Boom Boom Pow-The Black Eyed Peas
The Earplugs! They do nothing! This song actually moved up from 19 this week. HOW IS THIS SONG GETTING MORE POPULAR. WHAT THE FUCK.
16. Battlefield-Jordin Sparks
Another original concept: love as a battlefield. This month's award for song that teenage girls cry to while fighting with their boyfriends over who he was talking to in math class: Jordin Sparks! By the way, when is fair to talk about how American Idol has produced a bunch of long terms losers, outside of Clarkson. Sure, the lemmings all buy their first albums, but then they do nothing. Why is this show so popular again?
17. Break Up-Mario ft. Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett
Gucci Mane is underrated as a ridiculous looking and acting rapper. He needs more camera time. The story of this song is: girl breaks up with guy. Guy is confused. He lists all the things he buys for her despite exterior shots of a poor Baltimore neighborhood. He then laments maybe it is because he fucks random bitches all the time. He then calls her "vanilla"...but shes a model to him! That's right, you may be an ugly ho to everyone else, but your beautiful to him. Have I mentioned how awesome Gucci Mane is?
18.Papparazzi- Lady GaGa
So the theory that Lady GaGa isnt trying to produce good music has been floated to me. She just wants to dress up like a dumbass and be famous. It's "performance art". Interesting theory, that gains traciton because she certainly isn't producing good music. I wonder if the "She has penis" rumor was also part of the performance art. In this video she kills her boyfriend, but appears to get in no trouble. Huh?
19. Be On You-Flo Rida ft. Ne-Yo
Subtle title. This video has 6.5 million views on YouTube. That is amazing to me. "If you don't like that, send it right back. But I just gotta say, I wanna be on you." I approve of the ridiculous audacity of this song.
20. Big Green Tractor- Jason Aldean
Ya know, Abe, you should have maybe let them go. I get the whole unity of the Union of the argument, and I guess there was no way for you to know this was going to happen. But in hindsight, we probably would have been okay without them. Sure, Mexican level poverty would be a little too close for comfort with the BosWash area, but sometimes sacrifices need to be made. "We can go to town, but baby if you'd rather, we can take a ride of my big green tractor." Tennessee romance.
21. Say Hey (I love you)-Michael Franti and Spearhead ft/Cherine Anderson
What. Is. This? It isn't quite country music. Nor reggae. Or hip-hop. I guess its a bit of the three. Huh. It had a steel drum. Spearhead? Who or what is Spearhead? It is certainly upbeat. So that's nice. I really don't know what to say here. Moving on.
22. Love Drunk-Boys Like Girls
They used to be love drunk, now just hungover. That's the way to turn a phrase boys! I sort of have the same haircut as the lead singer. That can't possibly be a good sign. Seeing/hearing teenage angst when you are no longer a teenager makes you hate yourself as a teenager.
23. Fallin' for You-Colbie Caillat
This video features a tall, pretty blonde on a date with a short, stocky man with a jew fro. I mean, he drives a Chrysler, so that isn't it. He also seems clumsy and socially awkward. He is wearing some sort of snow boots on the beach. He rides a segway with a hemlet. This is giving to false hope to poor, clumsy, jew fro'd short men across the globe. The song sucks too.
24. No Surprise-Daughtry
I'm surprised people keep listening to Daughtry.
25. I Know You Want Me-Pitbull
This has 55 million views on YouTube. Before it plays, a Geico commercial plays. This song is very catchy, and then it gets old extremely quickly. Not sure how it is still charting so highly.
26. 21 Guns-Green Day
The best part of this song is that there is long, spiteful argument going on through YouTube about whether or not Green Day is emo. Lots of angry emo kids. No one has gotten more from three chords than Green Day. From songs about jerking off to political statements.
27. Waking Up in Vegas-Katy Perry
So the point of this song is that Kary Perry and her male companion lost everything they had one night in Vegas, including keys to their room and her fake ID, but then managed to turn the last few dollars they had into some sort of fortune. And that is what one gets for waking up in Vegas. A less than fifty percent chance you will return home destitute. Hmm, seems reasonable to me. I am booking the flight as we speak.
28. Fire Burning-Sean Kingston
The only value of this song is that it led to the video parody "Colby Burning in the Outfield". If you haven't seen it, take the time to look it up. It is awesome. That single, double, triple that smoooooth home run. When that ball is on the field you best believe a run is gonna score. Wipe that eye black off onto my shirt. Seriously, I can't listen to this without hearing that. Which is fine, because this song sucks.
29. One Time-Justin Beiber
Oh wow this is great. It is like Aaron Carter returned, but he is hanging out with Usher. He is rocking the half hood look in the video, which is superb. This song sucks, but it is entirely worth it just for the singer's appearance on the music scene and the amazingly awkward video.
30. Ice Cream Paint Job-Dorrough
Are the rims big? WHHHHA? Cream on the inside, clean on the outside. Just another presumably poor, inner city youth's love song to his car. Such a stereotype. Nothing to see here. Kimbo Slice, St. Lunatics and Saved by the Bell references.
31. Toes-Zac Brown Band
They are hicks and proud of it! At least Floaty Boatwood is. That is the name of the character in the video. Srsly. Toes in the water, ass in the sand indeed. They randomly yell something in Spanish in the middle of the song. As far as I can tell, these guys are just some Georgians who want to go to Mexico to drink mediocre beer, smoke some weed, and perhaps sexually assault a bartender. The video contains a midget and a Brett Farve jersey. I think I have said all that needs to be said here.
32. Never Say Never-The Fray
It sounds like all the rest of the songs by The Fray.
33. Sweet Dreams-Beyonce
Kind of surprising it took until 33 to get a Beyonce appearance. Typical Beyonce song. Seems to be some sort of internal lover's conflict. Could be good. Could be bad. She is trying to work through it, but only on her terms. The video consists of her wearing something revealing and dancing around sluttily. Standard.
34. Pretty Wings-Maxwell
Apparently, this is chapter one of a trilogy from Maxwell. It is nice to have Maxwell back after his long hiatus. Its a song about him fucking a chick. Like all the rest of the Maxwell songs. This one is about him banging someone else's girl though. Pop artists are really repetitive. This has a horn in it. That is Maxwell's creative expansion. I bet Grebe loves this song.
35. Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson
I am tired of hearing about how Kelly Clarkson is proud that she got fat. I really don't care she is eating too many fried oreos down in Texas. I'd prefer if she didn't, but that's her prerogative. I just don't want to have see headlines saying she is proud of her "big ass". Why do I need to hear about this? I don't give a fuck. Apparently its "empowering". So she feels like the relationship she is in is no good for the guy in this song, so she just takes off. Seems unnecessary. No note? No explanation? No goodbye viewing of your big ass?
36. American Ride-Toby Keith
What the world needs: Toby Keith's musical opinion on global warming, amongst other socio-political topics of our day. Why is wanting to fight unprovoked wars that kill Americans patriotic, but wanting to enact changes to health care to save American lives unpatriotic? Sorry, won't mention craziness like that again. At least Toby admits Carrie Prejean can't sing. He seems to think that she lost her title because she gained five pounds though. Not 'cause she hates gay people. Sigh. Actual YouTube quote on this video: "this song blows more cock than a phillipino hooker". (sic), obviously.
37. Please Don't Leave Me-Pink
Pink is all over the place. Last time we did this, she was liberated from her husband. Now they are back together and singing songs threatening to cut him into pieces if he leaves. Crazy ass bitches and their wild mood swings from Central Bucks East. I never knew anyone like that.
38. I'm Yours-Jason Mraz
This song has been on the charts for 74 weeks. If you want my opinion on this, go back to the last time I did this activity. Nothing has changed.
39. Evacuate the Dancefloor-Cascada
I wonder if Cascada is a biblical name. I wonder how many strippers dance to this song per night. I wonder how quickly the world will forget this song exists. I give it to Thanksgiving at the latest.
40. New Divide-Linkin Park
I thought Linkin Park was no more. I hate them. I blame Michael Bay for this. Asshole.
Bonus!
61. Alright-Darius Rucker
Darius Rucker is Hootie. You know, from the Blowfish. He is now a solo artist and has a top 100 single. Peaked at 30. Awesome.
93. Face Drop-Sean Kingston
This is the song where Sean Kingston reverts to a short, skinny cartoon in the video. Watch and be amazed.
9/13/09
John Saunders
Said today on ESPN, following the McNabb injury:
"i was going to say but, if this were any other city, guys, this would not be an issue right now. this is philadelphia right now. i know michael vick's got another week of suspension, but you know you're gonna see the talk in the paper, you're gonna hear it on talk radio, and everybody is gonna be saying 'michael vick, michael vick, he's our savior, when will we see him?' and, as boom says, he's not ready."
What the fuck are you talking about? If this was New York or Boston or Chicago they wouldn't talk about the possibility of playing a former Pro Bowl QB on the roster when your starting QB breaks a rib and is going to miss 2-4 weeks?
John Saunders, you're a fucking idiot. You are the personification of why ESPN is fucking horrendous. Go back to Canada. I'm sure that the CBC needs someone to complain about Winnipeg Blue Bombers fans.
The best part is that ESPN originally whined about how awful the reaction Vick was going to get was going to be. But the fans cheered. Now we're assholes for booing about something we haven't booed yet.
I also enjoy how no one I know of was happy to see McNabb get hurt, and everyone pretty much understands Vick can't run this offense. But listening to ESPN you would think we we're fucking Lionel Richie dancin' on the ceiling.
"i was going to say but, if this were any other city, guys, this would not be an issue right now. this is philadelphia right now. i know michael vick's got another week of suspension, but you know you're gonna see the talk in the paper, you're gonna hear it on talk radio, and everybody is gonna be saying 'michael vick, michael vick, he's our savior, when will we see him?' and, as boom says, he's not ready."
What the fuck are you talking about? If this was New York or Boston or Chicago they wouldn't talk about the possibility of playing a former Pro Bowl QB on the roster when your starting QB breaks a rib and is going to miss 2-4 weeks?
John Saunders, you're a fucking idiot. You are the personification of why ESPN is fucking horrendous. Go back to Canada. I'm sure that the CBC needs someone to complain about Winnipeg Blue Bombers fans.
The best part is that ESPN originally whined about how awful the reaction Vick was going to get was going to be. But the fans cheered. Now we're assholes for booing about something we haven't booed yet.
I also enjoy how no one I know of was happy to see McNabb get hurt, and everyone pretty much understands Vick can't run this offense. But listening to ESPN you would think we we're fucking Lionel Richie dancin' on the ceiling.
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