Popular Music

Mostly due to the internet, there is more music available to the public then ever before. However, if you thought this meant that radio stations could find half decent song to play you would be incorrect. Everything on the radio is crap. While listening to terrestrial radio, your best bet for hearing a useful song is if the soft rock station is playing old Hootie songs. Pop music is terrible. To demonstrate this, I am going to break down the top of the Billboard Hot 100 chart. This chart details the most popular songs in America.

1. Flo Rida Featuring Ke$ha-"Right Round"

So the current number one song in America steals its chorus from a 1985 song from the band Dead or Alive. I'll leave it at that.

2. TI Featuring Justin Timberlake-"Dead and Gone"

I won't leave it at that. The best we can steal from is Dead or fucking Alive? It is one thing to sample someone talented or influential, but the "best" song we have right now is stealing from Dear or Alive? Jesus Christ.

3. Kayne West-"Heartless"

While I technically have little issue with this song, it has been on the chart for 16 weeks. 4 months have passed and we haven't gotten three songs better than this for public consumption? I don't think this is the third best song on this fucking album. And it moved UP the charts this week.

4. The All-American Rejects-"Gives You Hell"

We are going to "Move Along" from the "Dirty Little Secret" of the shittiness of this song. Hopefully "It Ends Tonight". Fuck I'm clever. It makes me disgusted I know that many All-American Rejects songs though.

5. Eminem, Dr. Dre, and 50 Cent-"Crack a Bottle"

So let me get this straight--three of the most famous hip hop acts of the past 25 years put out a song together. It has been on the chart for six weeks. And this is the first I have heard of it. Wow. Maybe I am just that out of touch. This was the number one song in the country at some point, apparently. On the initial listen, I am unimpressed.

6. Lady GaGa-"Poker Face"

This is potentially the worst song of all time. Just terrible on every level. A review of some of the lyrics:

"I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas Plays/Fold em' let em' hit me raise it baby stay with me (I love it)"

What? This makes no sense. And since "hit me" isn't an option in poker, I can only assume Ms. GaGa should give Chris Brown a call. And what the hell does she love?

"P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face(Mum mum mum mah)/P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face(Mum mum mum mah)"

::Shakes head in disgust::

"Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun"

This is like saying "Driving is not the same without a car."

7. Lady GaGa Featuring Colby O'Donis-"Just Dance"

This is senseless drivel and like the previous GaGa entry has some horrid lyrics, but it is damn catchy. This is a pretty well executed pop song.

8. Taylor Swift-"Love Song"

If you say you don't like this song, you are a liar. A dirty rotten liar. That version the white people rap station plays is fucking terrible, though. Damn radio can't leave anything alone anymore.

9. Soulja Boy Tell Em Featuring Sammie-"Kiss Me Thru the Phone"

Finally, Soulja Boy sings! Will you people STOP LISTENING TO SOULJA BOY. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

10. Kelly Clarkson-"My Life Would Suck Without You"

Realizing she may never recreate the success of "Since You've Been Gone", Clarkson re-releases it with some changed lyrics! Oh--this is supposed to be a different song? Really? Huh. We are really reaching some creative highs here, obviously.

11. Beyonce-"Single Ladies"

Please. Stop. Playing. This. Song. Before. My. Head. Explodes. Maybe. If. You. Weren't. So. Fucking. Annoying. He. Would. Put. A. God. Damned. Ring. On. It.

12. The Fray-"You Found Me"

I have also never heard this song. I'm not even going to look this one up, because I assume it is like every other song by the Fray. Yay for hearing the same songs over and over again.

EDIT: I have been told I heard this song three times in a five hour period on Saturday.

13. Ne-Yo-"Mad"

Somewhere, there is some 13 year old girl who just broke up with her boyfriend crying while listening to this song. How could he do that! She let him under her shirt! (That could be a horribly outdated reference. I really have no idea what the average 13 year old is doing these days. Guh. Let's move on. Quickly.)

14. Britney Spears-"Circus"

It must be a great feeling to know that your famous enough that you can release musical diarrhea like this and still have it chart in top 15.

15. Pink-"Sober"

We get it. You're getting divorced. No one cares.

16. Jason Mraz-"I'm Yours"

My initial reaction to this song is "Meh." That's a strong statement right there.

17. Jamie Foxx Featuring T Pain-"Blame It"

Does Jamie Foxx still act or does he only put out mediocre pop songs about heartache. T Pain is a full two years younger than I am, and is almost certainly richer and more famous than I will be this. How fucking depressing. As if I don't have enough reasons, now I feel bad about myself because of this. Fuck you, T Pain.

18. Keri Hilson Featuring Lil Wayne-"Turnin Me On"

I'm down with anyone who goes on national television with Katie Couric and seems appalled when she mentions his drug use may affect his parenting skills. It is also great when a person with that many face tattoos is wearing a suit and glasses trying to look professional. I think trying to look professional went out the window when you said "Fuck it, I need more ink on my face." However, Wayne needs to learn to say no. You don't have to phone in guest verses for every shitty artist who asks. I am looking at you, Kevin Rudolf.

19. Beyonce-"Diva"

I used to be pretty good with Beyonce. This SASHA FIERCE character, however, really blows. There is nothing wrong with this song per se, but it is uninspired and unmemorable. That is okay for Keri Hilson, but Beyonce can do so much better.

20. Akon Featuring Colby O'Donis and Cardinal Offishall-"Beautiful"

For this song, I am just going to type my running thoughts as I listen to it:

This is Ms. O' Donis' second appearance in the top 20. Who the hell is this bitch? Remember when Akon was going to get arrested for simulating a sex act with an underage girl? What ever happened to that? Is the setting for every Akon song the club? Is Cardinal Offishall ordained with the Catholic Church? I just realized Colby O' Donis is a male. Holy Shit. I would have lost alot of money betting that he was a she. I stopped paying attention to this to look up Colby O'Donis. He is only 19 apparently. I cant wait for his album of shitty R&B songs that I will have to hear on the radio for the next 18 months. The chorus of this song is longer than the verses.

That is all I have the heart to do right now. These songs are incredibly terrible. With the exception of the Fray, I stopped to listen to all of them, and I am really considering going to stand in the middle of the street right now.

Join me later this week, when I round out the top 40 (I'm like mother fucking Kasey Kasem over here) and realize that Toby Keith and Keith Urban are NOT the same person!