The New Jersey Devils

::Caution-contains hockey discussion. Feel free to skip like 97% of the American population::

Rival teams I dislike usually fit a profile. Large payrolls. Championship pedigrees. Douchebag players. Insufferable fans. The New Jersey Devils only fit one of these four parameters. I think this makes me hate them more.

The Devils don't spend money. Even in the pre-cap NHL when Bobby Clarke would ejaculate millions on fourth line centers for their ability to win faceoffs, god damned Lou Lamoriello would spend half of what the Flyers did and assemble a team of 19 people no one has ever heard of and Marty Brodeur. And they fucking beat us. All the fucking time. They are efficient and well run. A model franchise, really. Assholes.

The Devils currently have three players I can name off the top of my head. Brodeur, Zach Parise, and Patrik Elias. I only know Parise because I recently was looking at stats and he is top five in the league in goals and points. Who the fuck is Zach Parise? I guess I am supposed to hate this guy, but I don't know why. I don't even know who he is. I can give you 20 page dissertations on why I hate Jose Reyes and Eli Manning, as I assume most Philadelphians can, but Zach Parise could walk down Broad Street with his cock hanging out and no one would know who he is.

I mean, Marty fucked his wife's sister, and that is funny to me, and he seems like an asshole in general. But I don't really despise him. Sure, I hate them for simply being the Devils, but it isn't nealry as fun without vile individuals. This is what it must have been like to root against the Soviets. The Devils best comparision in the fucking Soviet Union. At least they used to have Scott Stevens. There is a person worth hating. Without Stevens, they are just a faceless conglomeration that is winning at an impressive clip. Assholes.

The most frustrating part of hating the New Jersey Devils is that the Devils don't really have fans. There is nobody to project all this hatred and anger on. There are fucking Mets and Giants fans everywhere. They are like the cockroaches that will survive after the nuclear holocaust. But not Devils fans. You would think a good place to locate them would be the damned championship parades they have. You know, they ones they have IN THE MEADOWLANDS PARKING LOT. Unfortunately, even then only six or seven people show up.

I know one person who claims to be a Devils fan. He bought a ticket to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals against Anaheim. He bought them the day of the game. What a pathetic fanbase. Yet they have been blessed with championships and constant successful teams. Assholes.

If you are unconvinced on why to hate the Devils, despite all their winning, I remind you that they brought the trap to the NHL. Assholes. God damned fucking assholes.