Mostly due to the internet, there is more music available to the public then ever before. However, if you thought this meant that radio stations could find half decent song to play you would be incorrect. Everything on the radio is crap. While listening to terrestrial radio, your best bet for hearing a useful song is if the soft rock station is playing old Hootie songs. Pop music is terrible. To demonstrate this, I am going to break down the top of the Billboard Hot 100 chart. This chart details the most popular songs in America.
1. Flo Rida Featuring Ke$ha-"Right Round"
So the current number one song in America steals its chorus from a 1985 song from the band Dead or Alive. I'll leave it at that.
2. TI Featuring Justin Timberlake-"Dead and Gone"
I won't leave it at that. The best we can steal from is Dead or fucking Alive? It is one thing to sample someone talented or influential, but the "best" song we have right now is stealing from Dear or Alive? Jesus Christ.
3. Kayne West-"Heartless"
While I technically have little issue with this song, it has been on the chart for 16 weeks. 4 months have passed and we haven't gotten three songs better than this for public consumption? I don't think this is the third best song on this fucking album. And it moved UP the charts this week.
4. The All-American Rejects-"Gives You Hell"
We are going to "Move Along" from the "Dirty Little Secret" of the shittiness of this song. Hopefully "It Ends Tonight". Fuck I'm clever. It makes me disgusted I know that many All-American Rejects songs though.
5. Eminem, Dr. Dre, and 50 Cent-"Crack a Bottle"
So let me get this straight--three of the most famous hip hop acts of the past 25 years put out a song together. It has been on the chart for six weeks. And this is the first I have heard of it. Wow. Maybe I am just that out of touch. This was the number one song in the country at some point, apparently. On the initial listen, I am unimpressed.
6. Lady GaGa-"Poker Face"
This is potentially the worst song of all time. Just terrible on every level. A review of some of the lyrics:
"I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas Plays/Fold em' let em' hit me raise it baby stay with me (I love it)"
What? This makes no sense. And since "hit me" isn't an option in poker, I can only assume Ms. GaGa should give Chris Brown a call. And what the hell does she love?
"P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face(Mum mum mum mah)/P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face(Mum mum mum mah)"
::Shakes head in disgust::
"Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun"
This is like saying "Driving is not the same without a car."
7. Lady GaGa Featuring Colby O'Donis-"Just Dance"
This is senseless drivel and like the previous GaGa entry has some horrid lyrics, but it is damn catchy. This is a pretty well executed pop song.
8. Taylor Swift-"Love Song"
If you say you don't like this song, you are a liar. A dirty rotten liar. That version the white people rap station plays is fucking terrible, though. Damn radio can't leave anything alone anymore.
9. Soulja Boy Tell Em Featuring Sammie-"Kiss Me Thru the Phone"
Finally, Soulja Boy sings! Will you people STOP LISTENING TO SOULJA BOY. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.
10. Kelly Clarkson-"My Life Would Suck Without You"
Realizing she may never recreate the success of "Since You've Been Gone", Clarkson re-releases it with some changed lyrics! Oh--this is supposed to be a different song? Really? Huh. We are really reaching some creative highs here, obviously.
11. Beyonce-"Single Ladies"
Please. Stop. Playing. This. Song. Before. My. Head. Explodes. Maybe. If. You. Weren't. So. Fucking. Annoying. He. Would. Put. A. God. Damned. Ring. On. It.
12. The Fray-"You Found Me"
I have also never heard this song. I'm not even going to look this one up, because I assume it is like every other song by the Fray. Yay for hearing the same songs over and over again.
EDIT: I have been told I heard this song three times in a five hour period on Saturday.
13. Ne-Yo-"Mad"
Somewhere, there is some 13 year old girl who just broke up with her boyfriend crying while listening to this song. How could he do that! She let him under her shirt! (That could be a horribly outdated reference. I really have no idea what the average 13 year old is doing these days. Guh. Let's move on. Quickly.)
14. Britney Spears-"Circus"
It must be a great feeling to know that your famous enough that you can release musical diarrhea like this and still have it chart in top 15.
15. Pink-"Sober"
We get it. You're getting divorced. No one cares.
16. Jason Mraz-"I'm Yours"
My initial reaction to this song is "Meh." That's a strong statement right there.
17. Jamie Foxx Featuring T Pain-"Blame It"
Does Jamie Foxx still act or does he only put out mediocre pop songs about heartache. T Pain is a full two years younger than I am, and is almost certainly richer and more famous than I will be this. How fucking depressing. As if I don't have enough reasons, now I feel bad about myself because of this. Fuck you, T Pain.
18. Keri Hilson Featuring Lil Wayne-"Turnin Me On"
I'm down with anyone who goes on national television with Katie Couric and seems appalled when she mentions his drug use may affect his parenting skills. It is also great when a person with that many face tattoos is wearing a suit and glasses trying to look professional. I think trying to look professional went out the window when you said "Fuck it, I need more ink on my face." However, Wayne needs to learn to say no. You don't have to phone in guest verses for every shitty artist who asks. I am looking at you, Kevin Rudolf.
19. Beyonce-"Diva"
I used to be pretty good with Beyonce. This SASHA FIERCE character, however, really blows. There is nothing wrong with this song per se, but it is uninspired and unmemorable. That is okay for Keri Hilson, but Beyonce can do so much better.
20. Akon Featuring Colby O'Donis and Cardinal Offishall-"Beautiful"
For this song, I am just going to type my running thoughts as I listen to it:
This is Ms. O' Donis' second appearance in the top 20. Who the hell is this bitch? Remember when Akon was going to get arrested for simulating a sex act with an underage girl? What ever happened to that? Is the setting for every Akon song the club? Is Cardinal Offishall ordained with the Catholic Church? I just realized Colby O' Donis is a male. Holy Shit. I would have lost alot of money betting that he was a she. I stopped paying attention to this to look up Colby O'Donis. He is only 19 apparently. I cant wait for his album of shitty R&B songs that I will have to hear on the radio for the next 18 months. The chorus of this song is longer than the verses.
That is all I have the heart to do right now. These songs are incredibly terrible. With the exception of the Fray, I stopped to listen to all of them, and I am really considering going to stand in the middle of the street right now.
Join me later this week, when I round out the top 40 (I'm like mother fucking Kasey Kasem over here) and realize that Toby Keith and Keith Urban are NOT the same person!
3/2/09
The New Jersey Devils
::Caution-contains hockey discussion. Feel free to skip like 97% of the American population::
Rival teams I dislike usually fit a profile. Large payrolls. Championship pedigrees. Douchebag players. Insufferable fans. The New Jersey Devils only fit one of these four parameters. I think this makes me hate them more.
The Devils don't spend money. Even in the pre-cap NHL when Bobby Clarke would ejaculate millions on fourth line centers for their ability to win faceoffs, god damned Lou Lamoriello would spend half of what the Flyers did and assemble a team of 19 people no one has ever heard of and Marty Brodeur. And they fucking beat us. All the fucking time. They are efficient and well run. A model franchise, really. Assholes.
The Devils currently have three players I can name off the top of my head. Brodeur, Zach Parise, and Patrik Elias. I only know Parise because I recently was looking at stats and he is top five in the league in goals and points. Who the fuck is Zach Parise? I guess I am supposed to hate this guy, but I don't know why. I don't even know who he is. I can give you 20 page dissertations on why I hate Jose Reyes and Eli Manning, as I assume most Philadelphians can, but Zach Parise could walk down Broad Street with his cock hanging out and no one would know who he is.
I mean, Marty fucked his wife's sister, and that is funny to me, and he seems like an asshole in general. But I don't really despise him. Sure, I hate them for simply being the Devils, but it isn't nealry as fun without vile individuals. This is what it must have been like to root against the Soviets. The Devils best comparision in the fucking Soviet Union. At least they used to have Scott Stevens. There is a person worth hating. Without Stevens, they are just a faceless conglomeration that is winning at an impressive clip. Assholes.
The most frustrating part of hating the New Jersey Devils is that the Devils don't really have fans. There is nobody to project all this hatred and anger on. There are fucking Mets and Giants fans everywhere. They are like the cockroaches that will survive after the nuclear holocaust. But not Devils fans. You would think a good place to locate them would be the damned championship parades they have. You know, they ones they have IN THE MEADOWLANDS PARKING LOT. Unfortunately, even then only six or seven people show up.
I know one person who claims to be a Devils fan. He bought a ticket to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals against Anaheim. He bought them the day of the game. What a pathetic fanbase. Yet they have been blessed with championships and constant successful teams. Assholes.
If you are unconvinced on why to hate the Devils, despite all their winning, I remind you that they brought the trap to the NHL. Assholes. God damned fucking assholes.
Rival teams I dislike usually fit a profile. Large payrolls. Championship pedigrees. Douchebag players. Insufferable fans. The New Jersey Devils only fit one of these four parameters. I think this makes me hate them more.
The Devils don't spend money. Even in the pre-cap NHL when Bobby Clarke would ejaculate millions on fourth line centers for their ability to win faceoffs, god damned Lou Lamoriello would spend half of what the Flyers did and assemble a team of 19 people no one has ever heard of and Marty Brodeur. And they fucking beat us. All the fucking time. They are efficient and well run. A model franchise, really. Assholes.
The Devils currently have three players I can name off the top of my head. Brodeur, Zach Parise, and Patrik Elias. I only know Parise because I recently was looking at stats and he is top five in the league in goals and points. Who the fuck is Zach Parise? I guess I am supposed to hate this guy, but I don't know why. I don't even know who he is. I can give you 20 page dissertations on why I hate Jose Reyes and Eli Manning, as I assume most Philadelphians can, but Zach Parise could walk down Broad Street with his cock hanging out and no one would know who he is.
I mean, Marty fucked his wife's sister, and that is funny to me, and he seems like an asshole in general. But I don't really despise him. Sure, I hate them for simply being the Devils, but it isn't nealry as fun without vile individuals. This is what it must have been like to root against the Soviets. The Devils best comparision in the fucking Soviet Union. At least they used to have Scott Stevens. There is a person worth hating. Without Stevens, they are just a faceless conglomeration that is winning at an impressive clip. Assholes.
The most frustrating part of hating the New Jersey Devils is that the Devils don't really have fans. There is nobody to project all this hatred and anger on. There are fucking Mets and Giants fans everywhere. They are like the cockroaches that will survive after the nuclear holocaust. But not Devils fans. You would think a good place to locate them would be the damned championship parades they have. You know, they ones they have IN THE MEADOWLANDS PARKING LOT. Unfortunately, even then only six or seven people show up.
I know one person who claims to be a Devils fan. He bought a ticket to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals against Anaheim. He bought them the day of the game. What a pathetic fanbase. Yet they have been blessed with championships and constant successful teams. Assholes.
If you are unconvinced on why to hate the Devils, despite all their winning, I remind you that they brought the trap to the NHL. Assholes. God damned fucking assholes.
2/3/09
February
The only good thing about February is that it is short. February is, without question, the most depressing month of the year. It is cold, gray, and hopeless. Nothing is going on to be a diversion. It just plain sucks.
Lets look at the events in February starting from the beginning:
The Super Bowl. Usually a gigantic disappointment, made worse by the Eagles inability to make it to the title game. Signals the end of football for eight months.
Groundhog Day. My fucking god is this fucking stupid. I wish that groundhog would drop dead one morning. I wonder what that would signify? Hopefully death for the entire damn town that stages this stupid event. Made worse recently by these god damned Gus the Groundhog commercials.
Valentine's Day. The only day worse than 12/25 is 2/14. The worst of all Hallmark holidays, Valentine's Day brings no positives to any male. As far as I can tell, Valentine's Day goes one of three ways, depending on what stage of relationship you are in. If you are in a long term relationship, unless you are asking this bitch to marry you, Valentine's Day can't go well. You are expected to outdo whatever mindless display you put on last year. If you disappoint, you have to deal with angry girlfriend for a while. No sex for you. If you succeed, You just make next year more difficult for yourself. If you are just starting a relationship and fuck this up, the relationship is pretty much over. If you go too over the top, you are expected to be this way all of the damn time. No pressure here. If you are single, you have to fucking deal with all your friends who are not single. Fuck its annoying.
Presidents Day. Going to Catholic school, we never had this day off. Fuck you, public school kids.
February really is an abyss with nothing going on. Football is over. The tournament is a month away. Trees, flowers, grass? All dead. No promise of the New Year shit like January has. No hope of spring and warm days like March and April have. No summer time activities like May through August. September? Weather is still nice, football starts. October? Beauty of fall and all that crap. Baseball playoffs. November? Thanksgiving. December? Days off galore. February? Depression.
February sucks so bad people don't even bother to say it right. It is Feb-ru-ary. But every one says its Feb-u-ary. And why is that? Because Feb-ru-ary is alot harder to say. Who does February think it fucking is trying to be so damned difficult? The only thing worse than February is a Tuesday is February....
Lets look at the events in February starting from the beginning:
The Super Bowl. Usually a gigantic disappointment, made worse by the Eagles inability to make it to the title game. Signals the end of football for eight months.
Groundhog Day. My fucking god is this fucking stupid. I wish that groundhog would drop dead one morning. I wonder what that would signify? Hopefully death for the entire damn town that stages this stupid event. Made worse recently by these god damned Gus the Groundhog commercials.
Valentine's Day. The only day worse than 12/25 is 2/14. The worst of all Hallmark holidays, Valentine's Day brings no positives to any male. As far as I can tell, Valentine's Day goes one of three ways, depending on what stage of relationship you are in. If you are in a long term relationship, unless you are asking this bitch to marry you, Valentine's Day can't go well. You are expected to outdo whatever mindless display you put on last year. If you disappoint, you have to deal with angry girlfriend for a while. No sex for you. If you succeed, You just make next year more difficult for yourself. If you are just starting a relationship and fuck this up, the relationship is pretty much over. If you go too over the top, you are expected to be this way all of the damn time. No pressure here. If you are single, you have to fucking deal with all your friends who are not single. Fuck its annoying.
Presidents Day. Going to Catholic school, we never had this day off. Fuck you, public school kids.
February really is an abyss with nothing going on. Football is over. The tournament is a month away. Trees, flowers, grass? All dead. No promise of the New Year shit like January has. No hope of spring and warm days like March and April have. No summer time activities like May through August. September? Weather is still nice, football starts. October? Beauty of fall and all that crap. Baseball playoffs. November? Thanksgiving. December? Days off galore. February? Depression.
February sucks so bad people don't even bother to say it right. It is Feb-ru-ary. But every one says its Feb-u-ary. And why is that? Because Feb-ru-ary is alot harder to say. Who does February think it fucking is trying to be so damned difficult? The only thing worse than February is a Tuesday is February....
Tuesdays
Everyone always bitches about Mondays, but I think they are morons. People have whined about Mondays so long, that you end up spending most of Monday complaining it is Monday. Nothing actually gets done and the day moves quickly. Plus, you have two days of doing nothing to prepare for Mondays. In my heady days being employed, I would spend Monday bitching about it being Monday, comparing weekends with coworkers, and catching up on messages from the weekend. Tuesdays, on the other hand, required work. Real, actual, terrible work. Fucking Tuesdays.
Tuesdays are just there. Stuck in the middle of the week, with no promise to offer. Have you ever heard anyone say "I can't wait for Tuesday!". Of course you haven't, because Tuesdays are fucking awful.
When was the last time a good TV show came on Tuesdays? Look at the shows on the four major networks at 8 PM on Tuesdays. Homeland Security USA? Biggest Loser: Couples? NCIS? American Idol? It is all mindless shit! The networks recognize that Tuesday has broken you down so badly you will watch any garbage they put on the air.
Sports must be on. Well, this time of the year ESPN has college basketball every night. Mondays you get the Big East and Big 12. Wednesdays you get the ACC and Big East. Tuesdays? Tuesdays you get the Big Ten and SEC. The fucking Big Ten and SEC. White kids and football schools. Who is hyped for tonights doubleheader of Ohio St./Purdue and Florida/South Carolina? You were more interested in Uconn/Louisville last night and Duke/Clemson tomorrow?
Fucking Tuesday.
Tuesdays are just there. Stuck in the middle of the week, with no promise to offer. Have you ever heard anyone say "I can't wait for Tuesday!". Of course you haven't, because Tuesdays are fucking awful.
When was the last time a good TV show came on Tuesdays? Look at the shows on the four major networks at 8 PM on Tuesdays. Homeland Security USA? Biggest Loser: Couples? NCIS? American Idol? It is all mindless shit! The networks recognize that Tuesday has broken you down so badly you will watch any garbage they put on the air.
Sports must be on. Well, this time of the year ESPN has college basketball every night. Mondays you get the Big East and Big 12. Wednesdays you get the ACC and Big East. Tuesdays? Tuesdays you get the Big Ten and SEC. The fucking Big Ten and SEC. White kids and football schools. Who is hyped for tonights doubleheader of Ohio St./Purdue and Florida/South Carolina? You were more interested in Uconn/Louisville last night and Duke/Clemson tomorrow?
Fucking Tuesday.
1/12/09
Post Game Live
Post Game Live is the Eagles post game show on Comcast SportsNet. You would think this is something I would enjoy. You would be very wrong.
The four assholes that are on this show absolutely ruin it. They are horrible as individuals, but as a group they are the worst thing on TV since Rosie O'Donnell's variety show.
I have never met anyone who likes Michael Barkann. He is absolutely useless. He is a douchebag of the highest order. He thinks its impressive that he talked to Jimmy Rollins the night before the Eagles played the Giants. I think its impressive that his assface has been on TV for ten fucking years without and original thought.
Ray Didinger apparently is in some sort of Hall of Fame. R Diddy, as Barkann calls him (have I mentioned how much I despise Barkann), is the most negative negadelphian that ever did negate. After the 44-6 win over Dallas, he complained that they didn't run enough. THEY JUST WON BY 38 POINTS YOU GERIATRIC FUCKTARD. After yesterday's win over the Giants, "R Diddy" finally confessed that maybe Andy has figured his team out. Thanks, douche.
Next on the panel is the Governor of Pennsylvania. That isn't a nickname for Ed Rendell, he actually is the Governor of Pennsylvania. He also ran the DNC a few years ago. No wonder the Republicans were in power for so damned long. Rendell is the epitome of the reactionary Philadelphia fan. I think he checks 610 before going on TV to give his "analysis". He is most famous for taking credit for starting the snowball fight during the Eagles/Dallas game in '89.
Rounding out this god awful group is two time Super Bowl champion Vaughn Hebron. Vaughn brings an ex-player's view. I guess he is also supposed to bring street cred with his shoutouts to the tailor of his fucking eyesores of suits and flashy fucking jewelry. Its like CSN couldn't afford Deion Sanders so they got his much, much less talented contemporary. He also refers to the Eagles as "we" while wearing his Broncos Super Bowl ring. Vaughn Hebron should die in a grease fire.
PGL also send Derrick Gunn (D Gunn as Barkann, the Guv, and R Diddy call him. Fucking christ I hate this show) to do interviews with players as they leave the locker room. Gunn is a professed Packer fan, and at times in the past has clearly rooted against the Eagles. Derrick Gunn, in a word, blows. He asks dumb questions and tried to act like he is the player's friend. Hey Derrick: I am pretty sure they hate you.
In all, I feel about PGL like the Mets feel like winning divisions. I try to avoid it at all costs.
The four assholes that are on this show absolutely ruin it. They are horrible as individuals, but as a group they are the worst thing on TV since Rosie O'Donnell's variety show.
I have never met anyone who likes Michael Barkann. He is absolutely useless. He is a douchebag of the highest order. He thinks its impressive that he talked to Jimmy Rollins the night before the Eagles played the Giants. I think its impressive that his assface has been on TV for ten fucking years without and original thought.
Ray Didinger apparently is in some sort of Hall of Fame. R Diddy, as Barkann calls him (have I mentioned how much I despise Barkann), is the most negative negadelphian that ever did negate. After the 44-6 win over Dallas, he complained that they didn't run enough. THEY JUST WON BY 38 POINTS YOU GERIATRIC FUCKTARD. After yesterday's win over the Giants, "R Diddy" finally confessed that maybe Andy has figured his team out. Thanks, douche.
Next on the panel is the Governor of Pennsylvania. That isn't a nickname for Ed Rendell, he actually is the Governor of Pennsylvania. He also ran the DNC a few years ago. No wonder the Republicans were in power for so damned long. Rendell is the epitome of the reactionary Philadelphia fan. I think he checks 610 before going on TV to give his "analysis". He is most famous for taking credit for starting the snowball fight during the Eagles/Dallas game in '89.
Rounding out this god awful group is two time Super Bowl champion Vaughn Hebron. Vaughn brings an ex-player's view. I guess he is also supposed to bring street cred with his shoutouts to the tailor of his fucking eyesores of suits and flashy fucking jewelry. Its like CSN couldn't afford Deion Sanders so they got his much, much less talented contemporary. He also refers to the Eagles as "we" while wearing his Broncos Super Bowl ring. Vaughn Hebron should die in a grease fire.
PGL also send Derrick Gunn (D Gunn as Barkann, the Guv, and R Diddy call him. Fucking christ I hate this show) to do interviews with players as they leave the locker room. Gunn is a professed Packer fan, and at times in the past has clearly rooted against the Eagles. Derrick Gunn, in a word, blows. He asks dumb questions and tried to act like he is the player's friend. Hey Derrick: I am pretty sure they hate you.
In all, I feel about PGL like the Mets feel like winning divisions. I try to avoid it at all costs.
The Meadowlands
The 2008/2009 Magical Playoff Mystery Tour led us to the Meadowlands led in North Jersey. Lovely trash pile you see on the Turnpike a few miles short of the stadium, by the way.
At around 11:30, we were 2 miles from exit 16W. Despite having a parking pass, we missed the opening kickoff. What a fucking shitshow. It took nearly two hours to move two miles, park, and get through security.
After the expected "Fuck you"s and "Fuck the Eagles" walking up to section 309, we were more or left alone despite wearing Eagles jerseys. It wasn't that cold. It was rather damn enjoyable for the most part.
The best exchange of the afternoon came after the game was, for the most part, decided. A Giants fan was passively aggressively complaining about the situation the row behind us, saying things like "Weren't these the people booing McNabb a few weeks ago?" (Apparently he forgot how he felt about Eli and Coughlin midway through last year). As the SuperFan was leaving with 4 minutes left, he kept saying "Go Cardinals". Ignoring my own advice, I retaliated with "Go home". At which point he breaks out...
"I hope you get in an accident on the turnpike and die. I want to read about it in the paper tomorrow."
The whole section was overtaken with an awkward silence. It was fantastic.
Leaving was jubilant, as it was probably 50/50 in terms of fans remaining. We chilled in the parking lot awhile waiting for the crowd to thin out before discovering the car battery died. After asking a few people for a jump, a Giants fan finally helped. We offered him cash for his services, but he declined saying "We're all Americans". Quite the heartwarming story.
At around 11:30, we were 2 miles from exit 16W. Despite having a parking pass, we missed the opening kickoff. What a fucking shitshow. It took nearly two hours to move two miles, park, and get through security.
After the expected "Fuck you"s and "Fuck the Eagles" walking up to section 309, we were more or left alone despite wearing Eagles jerseys. It wasn't that cold. It was rather damn enjoyable for the most part.
The best exchange of the afternoon came after the game was, for the most part, decided. A Giants fan was passively aggressively complaining about the situation the row behind us, saying things like "Weren't these the people booing McNabb a few weeks ago?" (Apparently he forgot how he felt about Eli and Coughlin midway through last year). As the SuperFan was leaving with 4 minutes left, he kept saying "Go Cardinals". Ignoring my own advice, I retaliated with "Go home". At which point he breaks out...
"I hope you get in an accident on the turnpike and die. I want to read about it in the paper tomorrow."
The whole section was overtaken with an awkward silence. It was fantastic.
Leaving was jubilant, as it was probably 50/50 in terms of fans remaining. We chilled in the parking lot awhile waiting for the crowd to thin out before discovering the car battery died. After asking a few people for a jump, a Giants fan finally helped. We offered him cash for his services, but he declined saying "We're all Americans". Quite the heartwarming story.
1/6/09
Minnysotah
Ed. Note: This entry is less angry than usual. If you have an issue with that, go fuck yourself.
When the Eagles qualified for the playoffs last Sunday, Grebe, Hewitt and myself decided to go to Minnesota for the game. What else are three unemployed people going to do? Save money? HA. Our friend of color was also supposed to come, but he pussied out. Asshole.
After originally deciding while drunk that driving out to the great north was the way to go, we realized while sober that was not the case. Unfortunately, flying from Philly to Minneapolis is appallingly expensive. This led to the fantastic itinerary of flying to Philly to Cincy to Madison, then driving to Minneapolis.
I woke up Saturday at 430 AM, which is about when I usually go to sleep. At the Philly airport, the security people examined Grebe's metal knee like he had a turban over it. That was funny to me. We were taking "Delta Connection" flights, meaning no Boeings for us. Shockingly, there was only about 10 people trying to fly to Cincinnati at 730 in the morning.
All you need to know about the Cincinnati airport is that it is in Northern Kentucky, and dangerously close to Southeastern Indiana. Excitement abounded, obviously, during our layover there. I drank, Grebe was excited about the "smoking lounge" and we went to Madison, WI. Home of the Badgers!
The Madison airport was particularly charming with all its 1977ish decor. And the five other people who were there. On an aside, Madison is about as unimpressive as a town can be. We left promptly.
About an hour into the drive through Wisconsin, a few things became abundantly clear. People in Wisconsin love cheese. It is also the indoor waterpark capital of the world. They are fucking everywhere. The whole way up 94 There was farms and water slides as far as the eye can see. This is also when the ice storm began.
Here on the East Coast, ice and snow means plowing and salting of major roadway. Not so in Wisconsin/Minnesota. Apparently a few inches of ice and snow isn't worth salting the road. Or driving below 60, despite the graveyard of cars off to the side of the road. This made a four hour drive a seven hour drive.
When arriving in Minneapolis, we ate at Applebee's because it was connected to the hotel. Here, we learned our first lesson of Minneapolis. They all talk like they do in Fargo. Minneysotah is the best way I can it in type. These people are also absurdly friendly. More on that later. Further, there is an abundance of skinny blondes running around. It was disorienting.
Later we went to the bar where the bartender asked "What can I get ya boys?" in as thick of a South Canada accent as possible. Beer was cheap, and these people were jacked up because the Gopher hockey team won. And Sidney Crosby got into a fight. They love hockey.
When Tim and I went to get breakfast Sunday morning, the temperature was -1 and the wind chill was -19. It got COLDER throughout the day. What the fuck kind of weather is this?
The Metrodome is very loud. Louder than the Linc or Giants Stadium. The meanest thing said me however was "You people booed Michael Irvin, eh? That isn't very friendly. Go back east, eh". The people sitting behind us welcomed us to Minnesota. They readily admitted that we were the better team. The people were uncomfortably nice. While leaving, some guy behind us complained that he came to the game instead of ice fishing for walleye. He was joking. I think.
Driving back to the Madison airport, we bought cheese and Cranberry wine, since these items seemed to be what you need to buy when in Central Wisconsin. That is if you aren't going to ride the waterslides, of course.
Madison is where I found about Pat Burrell. Go to hell Ruben Amaro.
When we landed in Philly around 10:30 PM Monday, the wind chill was more than sixty degrees higher than it was in Minneapolis on Sunday. Again, what the hell is the deal with that weather.
In closing:
1. We win!
2. I have attended a playoff victory by all four professional Philly sports teams since April
3. Minnesota is cold. And they talk funny.
When the Eagles qualified for the playoffs last Sunday, Grebe, Hewitt and myself decided to go to Minnesota for the game. What else are three unemployed people going to do? Save money? HA. Our friend of color was also supposed to come, but he pussied out. Asshole.
After originally deciding while drunk that driving out to the great north was the way to go, we realized while sober that was not the case. Unfortunately, flying from Philly to Minneapolis is appallingly expensive. This led to the fantastic itinerary of flying to Philly to Cincy to Madison, then driving to Minneapolis.
I woke up Saturday at 430 AM, which is about when I usually go to sleep. At the Philly airport, the security people examined Grebe's metal knee like he had a turban over it. That was funny to me. We were taking "Delta Connection" flights, meaning no Boeings for us. Shockingly, there was only about 10 people trying to fly to Cincinnati at 730 in the morning.
All you need to know about the Cincinnati airport is that it is in Northern Kentucky, and dangerously close to Southeastern Indiana. Excitement abounded, obviously, during our layover there. I drank, Grebe was excited about the "smoking lounge" and we went to Madison, WI. Home of the Badgers!
The Madison airport was particularly charming with all its 1977ish decor. And the five other people who were there. On an aside, Madison is about as unimpressive as a town can be. We left promptly.
About an hour into the drive through Wisconsin, a few things became abundantly clear. People in Wisconsin love cheese. It is also the indoor waterpark capital of the world. They are fucking everywhere. The whole way up 94 There was farms and water slides as far as the eye can see. This is also when the ice storm began.
Here on the East Coast, ice and snow means plowing and salting of major roadway. Not so in Wisconsin/Minnesota. Apparently a few inches of ice and snow isn't worth salting the road. Or driving below 60, despite the graveyard of cars off to the side of the road. This made a four hour drive a seven hour drive.
When arriving in Minneapolis, we ate at Applebee's because it was connected to the hotel. Here, we learned our first lesson of Minneapolis. They all talk like they do in Fargo. Minneysotah is the best way I can it in type. These people are also absurdly friendly. More on that later. Further, there is an abundance of skinny blondes running around. It was disorienting.
Later we went to the bar where the bartender asked "What can I get ya boys?" in as thick of a South Canada accent as possible. Beer was cheap, and these people were jacked up because the Gopher hockey team won. And Sidney Crosby got into a fight. They love hockey.
When Tim and I went to get breakfast Sunday morning, the temperature was -1 and the wind chill was -19. It got COLDER throughout the day. What the fuck kind of weather is this?
The Metrodome is very loud. Louder than the Linc or Giants Stadium. The meanest thing said me however was "You people booed Michael Irvin, eh? That isn't very friendly. Go back east, eh". The people sitting behind us welcomed us to Minnesota. They readily admitted that we were the better team. The people were uncomfortably nice. While leaving, some guy behind us complained that he came to the game instead of ice fishing for walleye. He was joking. I think.
Driving back to the Madison airport, we bought cheese and Cranberry wine, since these items seemed to be what you need to buy when in Central Wisconsin. That is if you aren't going to ride the waterslides, of course.
Madison is where I found about Pat Burrell. Go to hell Ruben Amaro.
When we landed in Philly around 10:30 PM Monday, the wind chill was more than sixty degrees higher than it was in Minneapolis on Sunday. Again, what the hell is the deal with that weather.
In closing:
1. We win!
2. I have attended a playoff victory by all four professional Philly sports teams since April
3. Minnesota is cold. And they talk funny.
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