21. TI featuring Rihanna-"Live Your Life"
I don't mind this song. I am not sure if it is any good, but I don't mind it. If you haven't seen the new TI show on MTV, do yourself a favor and dvr it or something. It's glorious.
22. Kevin Rudolf featuring Lil Wayne-"Let It Rock"
There is nothing a rap label needs more than a shitty white musician claiming to make rock music. He is so credible that he got the absolute worst of all the previously mentioned Wayne phoned in guest verses. Lil Wayne--and a guitar! This song blows donkey dicks and if you disagree you are a fucking moron.
23. The Pussycat Dolls-"I Hate This Part"
Does anybody in this "band" sing besides the Nicole chick? I am not complaining, because she is hot and the others likely can't sing anyway. As for the song, I am real sucker for piano music even when it is painfully simple. And when it is adjoined by a typical pop breakup song. Sue me.
24. Katy Perry-"Hot n Cold"
You know this song is a winner since it was so fantastic Katy couldn't even spell out "and". She was clearly so exicited to release it that putting actual words in the title became of secondary importance.
"We used to be/Just like twins/So in sync/The same energy/Now's a dead battery". Lyrical Wwzardry.
25. Coldplay-"Viva la Vida"
I can't mention this song without pointing out it sounds an awful lot (exactly) like Joe Satriani. Google Coldplay VS. Joe Satriani for the evidence.
26. The Veronicas-"Untouched"
There is something about attractive twin girls claiming a desire to be touched that I find appealing. Also, it is fast paced, simple and easily gets stuck in your head. I approve as thoughtless pop music.
27. The-Dream-"Rockin' That Thang"
I've never heard this before, and was disappointed it was a "slow jam" and not a ridiculous rap song. Nothing of interest here really. Extra point for "She's riding that thing like a pony."
28. Asher Roth-"I Love College"
A white rapper! He loves college! And naked girls! AND BEER!!!! But you best not fall asleep near him with your shoes on or bounce while playing him in beer pong, or there will be steppin. Watching the video, I'm left wondering why none of the parties I went to in college involved a large mascot-like turtle.
This is the classic song that will be played by annoying kids in college 7.5 billion times between now and May. The song and the artist will never be heard from ever again. No one will miss either.
Someone should tell Asher that videotaping his college debauchery is a good way to end up on the smoking gun. May want to keep that to a minimum.
29. Katy Perry-"Thinking of You"
Finally, the inevitable Katy Perry love song. It is even acoustic at the start. What a talented musician she is!
"You're like an Indian summer/In the middle of winter/Like a hard candy/With a surprise center". Fuck music, this bitch could be the next Sylvia Plath. She is truly a lyrical genuis for a new generation.
30. Nickelback-"Gotta Be Somebody"
Much like every other piece of music by Nickelback that has become famous, I am left speechless. Utterly speechless. I thought never would something be worse than Creed, but thankfully Chad Kroeger exceeded what I ever thought was possible.
31. TI-"Whatever You Like"
I will forever associate this song with the Phillies championship parade. Thanks, Rush, you asshole.
32. Britney Spears-"Womanizer"
If you own a copy of this album, I fucking hate you. There is no way around it. If we we're friends, consider yourself officially disowned. Who listens to this music? Let alone actually enjoys listening to it. Maybe you thought it was catchy at first or had some morbid curiosity to see what the trainwreck was up to, but it has been on the charts for 21 weeks. You can not possibly like this song five months after initially hearing it. Unless you are a fucking idiot.
33. Pink-"So What"
See above, except this has been on the chart for 27 weeks. Na na na na na na, this song fuckin' blows. In fact you could take the paragraph for the Britney Spears song and it all applies here. Terrible song? Check. Maybe catchy to certain ears? Check. Trainwreck? Check. Worn out its shelf life? Triple check.
34. Taylor Swift-"White Horse"
Hey, it's the reverse "Love Song". In this one, she isn't in a fairy tale. In this one, I am also alot less entertained.
35. John Legend Featuring Andre 3000-"Green Light"
If you dislike songs that have videos feauturing Andre 3000 floating in a martini using an olive as a life raft, then this isn't for you. If that sounds like something you might be interested in, then proceed.
36. Toby Keith-"God Love Her"
All I knew about Toby Keith five minutes ago was that he loves this bar, this country, and George Bush. In this one of he loves the rebel child of a preacher. And the preacher doesn't approve. But God he loves her. Drama! My biggest concern here is the I think the girl is only 17. Isn't Toby Keith pretty old? I think someone should alert the authorities. You would think the preacher would be more up on things. Then again, this is the South so who knows. I really dislike pop country. Or alt-country. Or whatever the fuck it's called.
37. Rihanna-"Disturbia"
My God this is old. Isn't this from the summer? How is this still in the Top 40?
38. Keith Urban-"Sweet Thing"
Apparently this is neither the same person nor the same song that appears two spots earlier. The youtube comments for this song contain an argument about whether Urban is Ausralian or New Zealand. The love in this song seems to have many less things standing in its way than Toby Keith's. The video is unintentionally hilarious. The music bores me to tears.
39. Jesse McCartney Featuring Ludacris-"How Do You Sleep"
How does Luda decide he wants to do a duet with Jesse McCartney? Was he looking for an opportunity to work with a teenaged white boy who makes mediocre pop music. This is my first listen to this as well, and am still waiting for Ludacris' verse. There it is. It isn't very good. He does yell "LUDA" at the end, so I appreciate the consistency. This song sucks.
40. "Kid Cudi"-Day N Night"
Not to be confused with Hot N Cold. I had never heard this before. I think I might like it. Further investigation is needed. Fortunately the radio will play it 250 times a day for the next six months, so I will get the chance to figure it out and then despise it completely no matter which way I end up leaning.
Hooray radio! Hooray pop music!
3/3/09
3/2/09
Popular Music
Mostly due to the internet, there is more music available to the public then ever before. However, if you thought this meant that radio stations could find half decent song to play you would be incorrect. Everything on the radio is crap. While listening to terrestrial radio, your best bet for hearing a useful song is if the soft rock station is playing old Hootie songs. Pop music is terrible. To demonstrate this, I am going to break down the top of the Billboard Hot 100 chart. This chart details the most popular songs in America.
1. Flo Rida Featuring Ke$ha-"Right Round"
So the current number one song in America steals its chorus from a 1985 song from the band Dead or Alive. I'll leave it at that.
2. TI Featuring Justin Timberlake-"Dead and Gone"
I won't leave it at that. The best we can steal from is Dead or fucking Alive? It is one thing to sample someone talented or influential, but the "best" song we have right now is stealing from Dear or Alive? Jesus Christ.
3. Kayne West-"Heartless"
While I technically have little issue with this song, it has been on the chart for 16 weeks. 4 months have passed and we haven't gotten three songs better than this for public consumption? I don't think this is the third best song on this fucking album. And it moved UP the charts this week.
4. The All-American Rejects-"Gives You Hell"
We are going to "Move Along" from the "Dirty Little Secret" of the shittiness of this song. Hopefully "It Ends Tonight". Fuck I'm clever. It makes me disgusted I know that many All-American Rejects songs though.
5. Eminem, Dr. Dre, and 50 Cent-"Crack a Bottle"
So let me get this straight--three of the most famous hip hop acts of the past 25 years put out a song together. It has been on the chart for six weeks. And this is the first I have heard of it. Wow. Maybe I am just that out of touch. This was the number one song in the country at some point, apparently. On the initial listen, I am unimpressed.
6. Lady GaGa-"Poker Face"
This is potentially the worst song of all time. Just terrible on every level. A review of some of the lyrics:
"I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas Plays/Fold em' let em' hit me raise it baby stay with me (I love it)"
What? This makes no sense. And since "hit me" isn't an option in poker, I can only assume Ms. GaGa should give Chris Brown a call. And what the hell does she love?
"P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face(Mum mum mum mah)/P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face(Mum mum mum mah)"
::Shakes head in disgust::
"Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun"
This is like saying "Driving is not the same without a car."
7. Lady GaGa Featuring Colby O'Donis-"Just Dance"
This is senseless drivel and like the previous GaGa entry has some horrid lyrics, but it is damn catchy. This is a pretty well executed pop song.
8. Taylor Swift-"Love Song"
If you say you don't like this song, you are a liar. A dirty rotten liar. That version the white people rap station plays is fucking terrible, though. Damn radio can't leave anything alone anymore.
9. Soulja Boy Tell Em Featuring Sammie-"Kiss Me Thru the Phone"
Finally, Soulja Boy sings! Will you people STOP LISTENING TO SOULJA BOY. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.
10. Kelly Clarkson-"My Life Would Suck Without You"
Realizing she may never recreate the success of "Since You've Been Gone", Clarkson re-releases it with some changed lyrics! Oh--this is supposed to be a different song? Really? Huh. We are really reaching some creative highs here, obviously.
11. Beyonce-"Single Ladies"
Please. Stop. Playing. This. Song. Before. My. Head. Explodes. Maybe. If. You. Weren't. So. Fucking. Annoying. He. Would. Put. A. God. Damned. Ring. On. It.
12. The Fray-"You Found Me"
I have also never heard this song. I'm not even going to look this one up, because I assume it is like every other song by the Fray. Yay for hearing the same songs over and over again.
EDIT: I have been told I heard this song three times in a five hour period on Saturday.
13. Ne-Yo-"Mad"
Somewhere, there is some 13 year old girl who just broke up with her boyfriend crying while listening to this song. How could he do that! She let him under her shirt! (That could be a horribly outdated reference. I really have no idea what the average 13 year old is doing these days. Guh. Let's move on. Quickly.)
14. Britney Spears-"Circus"
It must be a great feeling to know that your famous enough that you can release musical diarrhea like this and still have it chart in top 15.
15. Pink-"Sober"
We get it. You're getting divorced. No one cares.
16. Jason Mraz-"I'm Yours"
My initial reaction to this song is "Meh." That's a strong statement right there.
17. Jamie Foxx Featuring T Pain-"Blame It"
Does Jamie Foxx still act or does he only put out mediocre pop songs about heartache. T Pain is a full two years younger than I am, and is almost certainly richer and more famous than I will be this. How fucking depressing. As if I don't have enough reasons, now I feel bad about myself because of this. Fuck you, T Pain.
18. Keri Hilson Featuring Lil Wayne-"Turnin Me On"
I'm down with anyone who goes on national television with Katie Couric and seems appalled when she mentions his drug use may affect his parenting skills. It is also great when a person with that many face tattoos is wearing a suit and glasses trying to look professional. I think trying to look professional went out the window when you said "Fuck it, I need more ink on my face." However, Wayne needs to learn to say no. You don't have to phone in guest verses for every shitty artist who asks. I am looking at you, Kevin Rudolf.
19. Beyonce-"Diva"
I used to be pretty good with Beyonce. This SASHA FIERCE character, however, really blows. There is nothing wrong with this song per se, but it is uninspired and unmemorable. That is okay for Keri Hilson, but Beyonce can do so much better.
20. Akon Featuring Colby O'Donis and Cardinal Offishall-"Beautiful"
For this song, I am just going to type my running thoughts as I listen to it:
This is Ms. O' Donis' second appearance in the top 20. Who the hell is this bitch? Remember when Akon was going to get arrested for simulating a sex act with an underage girl? What ever happened to that? Is the setting for every Akon song the club? Is Cardinal Offishall ordained with the Catholic Church? I just realized Colby O' Donis is a male. Holy Shit. I would have lost alot of money betting that he was a she. I stopped paying attention to this to look up Colby O'Donis. He is only 19 apparently. I cant wait for his album of shitty R&B songs that I will have to hear on the radio for the next 18 months. The chorus of this song is longer than the verses.
That is all I have the heart to do right now. These songs are incredibly terrible. With the exception of the Fray, I stopped to listen to all of them, and I am really considering going to stand in the middle of the street right now.
Join me later this week, when I round out the top 40 (I'm like mother fucking Kasey Kasem over here) and realize that Toby Keith and Keith Urban are NOT the same person!
1. Flo Rida Featuring Ke$ha-"Right Round"
So the current number one song in America steals its chorus from a 1985 song from the band Dead or Alive. I'll leave it at that.
2. TI Featuring Justin Timberlake-"Dead and Gone"
I won't leave it at that. The best we can steal from is Dead or fucking Alive? It is one thing to sample someone talented or influential, but the "best" song we have right now is stealing from Dear or Alive? Jesus Christ.
3. Kayne West-"Heartless"
While I technically have little issue with this song, it has been on the chart for 16 weeks. 4 months have passed and we haven't gotten three songs better than this for public consumption? I don't think this is the third best song on this fucking album. And it moved UP the charts this week.
4. The All-American Rejects-"Gives You Hell"
We are going to "Move Along" from the "Dirty Little Secret" of the shittiness of this song. Hopefully "It Ends Tonight". Fuck I'm clever. It makes me disgusted I know that many All-American Rejects songs though.
5. Eminem, Dr. Dre, and 50 Cent-"Crack a Bottle"
So let me get this straight--three of the most famous hip hop acts of the past 25 years put out a song together. It has been on the chart for six weeks. And this is the first I have heard of it. Wow. Maybe I am just that out of touch. This was the number one song in the country at some point, apparently. On the initial listen, I am unimpressed.
6. Lady GaGa-"Poker Face"
This is potentially the worst song of all time. Just terrible on every level. A review of some of the lyrics:
"I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas Plays/Fold em' let em' hit me raise it baby stay with me (I love it)"
What? This makes no sense. And since "hit me" isn't an option in poker, I can only assume Ms. GaGa should give Chris Brown a call. And what the hell does she love?
"P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face(Mum mum mum mah)/P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face(Mum mum mum mah)"
::Shakes head in disgust::
"Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun"
This is like saying "Driving is not the same without a car."
7. Lady GaGa Featuring Colby O'Donis-"Just Dance"
This is senseless drivel and like the previous GaGa entry has some horrid lyrics, but it is damn catchy. This is a pretty well executed pop song.
8. Taylor Swift-"Love Song"
If you say you don't like this song, you are a liar. A dirty rotten liar. That version the white people rap station plays is fucking terrible, though. Damn radio can't leave anything alone anymore.
9. Soulja Boy Tell Em Featuring Sammie-"Kiss Me Thru the Phone"
Finally, Soulja Boy sings! Will you people STOP LISTENING TO SOULJA BOY. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.
10. Kelly Clarkson-"My Life Would Suck Without You"
Realizing she may never recreate the success of "Since You've Been Gone", Clarkson re-releases it with some changed lyrics! Oh--this is supposed to be a different song? Really? Huh. We are really reaching some creative highs here, obviously.
11. Beyonce-"Single Ladies"
Please. Stop. Playing. This. Song. Before. My. Head. Explodes. Maybe. If. You. Weren't. So. Fucking. Annoying. He. Would. Put. A. God. Damned. Ring. On. It.
12. The Fray-"You Found Me"
I have also never heard this song. I'm not even going to look this one up, because I assume it is like every other song by the Fray. Yay for hearing the same songs over and over again.
EDIT: I have been told I heard this song three times in a five hour period on Saturday.
13. Ne-Yo-"Mad"
Somewhere, there is some 13 year old girl who just broke up with her boyfriend crying while listening to this song. How could he do that! She let him under her shirt! (That could be a horribly outdated reference. I really have no idea what the average 13 year old is doing these days. Guh. Let's move on. Quickly.)
14. Britney Spears-"Circus"
It must be a great feeling to know that your famous enough that you can release musical diarrhea like this and still have it chart in top 15.
15. Pink-"Sober"
We get it. You're getting divorced. No one cares.
16. Jason Mraz-"I'm Yours"
My initial reaction to this song is "Meh." That's a strong statement right there.
17. Jamie Foxx Featuring T Pain-"Blame It"
Does Jamie Foxx still act or does he only put out mediocre pop songs about heartache. T Pain is a full two years younger than I am, and is almost certainly richer and more famous than I will be this. How fucking depressing. As if I don't have enough reasons, now I feel bad about myself because of this. Fuck you, T Pain.
18. Keri Hilson Featuring Lil Wayne-"Turnin Me On"
I'm down with anyone who goes on national television with Katie Couric and seems appalled when she mentions his drug use may affect his parenting skills. It is also great when a person with that many face tattoos is wearing a suit and glasses trying to look professional. I think trying to look professional went out the window when you said "Fuck it, I need more ink on my face." However, Wayne needs to learn to say no. You don't have to phone in guest verses for every shitty artist who asks. I am looking at you, Kevin Rudolf.
19. Beyonce-"Diva"
I used to be pretty good with Beyonce. This SASHA FIERCE character, however, really blows. There is nothing wrong with this song per se, but it is uninspired and unmemorable. That is okay for Keri Hilson, but Beyonce can do so much better.
20. Akon Featuring Colby O'Donis and Cardinal Offishall-"Beautiful"
For this song, I am just going to type my running thoughts as I listen to it:
This is Ms. O' Donis' second appearance in the top 20. Who the hell is this bitch? Remember when Akon was going to get arrested for simulating a sex act with an underage girl? What ever happened to that? Is the setting for every Akon song the club? Is Cardinal Offishall ordained with the Catholic Church? I just realized Colby O' Donis is a male. Holy Shit. I would have lost alot of money betting that he was a she. I stopped paying attention to this to look up Colby O'Donis. He is only 19 apparently. I cant wait for his album of shitty R&B songs that I will have to hear on the radio for the next 18 months. The chorus of this song is longer than the verses.
That is all I have the heart to do right now. These songs are incredibly terrible. With the exception of the Fray, I stopped to listen to all of them, and I am really considering going to stand in the middle of the street right now.
Join me later this week, when I round out the top 40 (I'm like mother fucking Kasey Kasem over here) and realize that Toby Keith and Keith Urban are NOT the same person!
The New Jersey Devils
::Caution-contains hockey discussion. Feel free to skip like 97% of the American population::
Rival teams I dislike usually fit a profile. Large payrolls. Championship pedigrees. Douchebag players. Insufferable fans. The New Jersey Devils only fit one of these four parameters. I think this makes me hate them more.
The Devils don't spend money. Even in the pre-cap NHL when Bobby Clarke would ejaculate millions on fourth line centers for their ability to win faceoffs, god damned Lou Lamoriello would spend half of what the Flyers did and assemble a team of 19 people no one has ever heard of and Marty Brodeur. And they fucking beat us. All the fucking time. They are efficient and well run. A model franchise, really. Assholes.
The Devils currently have three players I can name off the top of my head. Brodeur, Zach Parise, and Patrik Elias. I only know Parise because I recently was looking at stats and he is top five in the league in goals and points. Who the fuck is Zach Parise? I guess I am supposed to hate this guy, but I don't know why. I don't even know who he is. I can give you 20 page dissertations on why I hate Jose Reyes and Eli Manning, as I assume most Philadelphians can, but Zach Parise could walk down Broad Street with his cock hanging out and no one would know who he is.
I mean, Marty fucked his wife's sister, and that is funny to me, and he seems like an asshole in general. But I don't really despise him. Sure, I hate them for simply being the Devils, but it isn't nealry as fun without vile individuals. This is what it must have been like to root against the Soviets. The Devils best comparision in the fucking Soviet Union. At least they used to have Scott Stevens. There is a person worth hating. Without Stevens, they are just a faceless conglomeration that is winning at an impressive clip. Assholes.
The most frustrating part of hating the New Jersey Devils is that the Devils don't really have fans. There is nobody to project all this hatred and anger on. There are fucking Mets and Giants fans everywhere. They are like the cockroaches that will survive after the nuclear holocaust. But not Devils fans. You would think a good place to locate them would be the damned championship parades they have. You know, they ones they have IN THE MEADOWLANDS PARKING LOT. Unfortunately, even then only six or seven people show up.
I know one person who claims to be a Devils fan. He bought a ticket to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals against Anaheim. He bought them the day of the game. What a pathetic fanbase. Yet they have been blessed with championships and constant successful teams. Assholes.
If you are unconvinced on why to hate the Devils, despite all their winning, I remind you that they brought the trap to the NHL. Assholes. God damned fucking assholes.
Rival teams I dislike usually fit a profile. Large payrolls. Championship pedigrees. Douchebag players. Insufferable fans. The New Jersey Devils only fit one of these four parameters. I think this makes me hate them more.
The Devils don't spend money. Even in the pre-cap NHL when Bobby Clarke would ejaculate millions on fourth line centers for their ability to win faceoffs, god damned Lou Lamoriello would spend half of what the Flyers did and assemble a team of 19 people no one has ever heard of and Marty Brodeur. And they fucking beat us. All the fucking time. They are efficient and well run. A model franchise, really. Assholes.
The Devils currently have three players I can name off the top of my head. Brodeur, Zach Parise, and Patrik Elias. I only know Parise because I recently was looking at stats and he is top five in the league in goals and points. Who the fuck is Zach Parise? I guess I am supposed to hate this guy, but I don't know why. I don't even know who he is. I can give you 20 page dissertations on why I hate Jose Reyes and Eli Manning, as I assume most Philadelphians can, but Zach Parise could walk down Broad Street with his cock hanging out and no one would know who he is.
I mean, Marty fucked his wife's sister, and that is funny to me, and he seems like an asshole in general. But I don't really despise him. Sure, I hate them for simply being the Devils, but it isn't nealry as fun without vile individuals. This is what it must have been like to root against the Soviets. The Devils best comparision in the fucking Soviet Union. At least they used to have Scott Stevens. There is a person worth hating. Without Stevens, they are just a faceless conglomeration that is winning at an impressive clip. Assholes.
The most frustrating part of hating the New Jersey Devils is that the Devils don't really have fans. There is nobody to project all this hatred and anger on. There are fucking Mets and Giants fans everywhere. They are like the cockroaches that will survive after the nuclear holocaust. But not Devils fans. You would think a good place to locate them would be the damned championship parades they have. You know, they ones they have IN THE MEADOWLANDS PARKING LOT. Unfortunately, even then only six or seven people show up.
I know one person who claims to be a Devils fan. He bought a ticket to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals against Anaheim. He bought them the day of the game. What a pathetic fanbase. Yet they have been blessed with championships and constant successful teams. Assholes.
If you are unconvinced on why to hate the Devils, despite all their winning, I remind you that they brought the trap to the NHL. Assholes. God damned fucking assholes.
2/3/09
February
The only good thing about February is that it is short. February is, without question, the most depressing month of the year. It is cold, gray, and hopeless. Nothing is going on to be a diversion. It just plain sucks.
Lets look at the events in February starting from the beginning:
The Super Bowl. Usually a gigantic disappointment, made worse by the Eagles inability to make it to the title game. Signals the end of football for eight months.
Groundhog Day. My fucking god is this fucking stupid. I wish that groundhog would drop dead one morning. I wonder what that would signify? Hopefully death for the entire damn town that stages this stupid event. Made worse recently by these god damned Gus the Groundhog commercials.
Valentine's Day. The only day worse than 12/25 is 2/14. The worst of all Hallmark holidays, Valentine's Day brings no positives to any male. As far as I can tell, Valentine's Day goes one of three ways, depending on what stage of relationship you are in. If you are in a long term relationship, unless you are asking this bitch to marry you, Valentine's Day can't go well. You are expected to outdo whatever mindless display you put on last year. If you disappoint, you have to deal with angry girlfriend for a while. No sex for you. If you succeed, You just make next year more difficult for yourself. If you are just starting a relationship and fuck this up, the relationship is pretty much over. If you go too over the top, you are expected to be this way all of the damn time. No pressure here. If you are single, you have to fucking deal with all your friends who are not single. Fuck its annoying.
Presidents Day. Going to Catholic school, we never had this day off. Fuck you, public school kids.
February really is an abyss with nothing going on. Football is over. The tournament is a month away. Trees, flowers, grass? All dead. No promise of the New Year shit like January has. No hope of spring and warm days like March and April have. No summer time activities like May through August. September? Weather is still nice, football starts. October? Beauty of fall and all that crap. Baseball playoffs. November? Thanksgiving. December? Days off galore. February? Depression.
February sucks so bad people don't even bother to say it right. It is Feb-ru-ary. But every one says its Feb-u-ary. And why is that? Because Feb-ru-ary is alot harder to say. Who does February think it fucking is trying to be so damned difficult? The only thing worse than February is a Tuesday is February....
Lets look at the events in February starting from the beginning:
The Super Bowl. Usually a gigantic disappointment, made worse by the Eagles inability to make it to the title game. Signals the end of football for eight months.
Groundhog Day. My fucking god is this fucking stupid. I wish that groundhog would drop dead one morning. I wonder what that would signify? Hopefully death for the entire damn town that stages this stupid event. Made worse recently by these god damned Gus the Groundhog commercials.
Valentine's Day. The only day worse than 12/25 is 2/14. The worst of all Hallmark holidays, Valentine's Day brings no positives to any male. As far as I can tell, Valentine's Day goes one of three ways, depending on what stage of relationship you are in. If you are in a long term relationship, unless you are asking this bitch to marry you, Valentine's Day can't go well. You are expected to outdo whatever mindless display you put on last year. If you disappoint, you have to deal with angry girlfriend for a while. No sex for you. If you succeed, You just make next year more difficult for yourself. If you are just starting a relationship and fuck this up, the relationship is pretty much over. If you go too over the top, you are expected to be this way all of the damn time. No pressure here. If you are single, you have to fucking deal with all your friends who are not single. Fuck its annoying.
Presidents Day. Going to Catholic school, we never had this day off. Fuck you, public school kids.
February really is an abyss with nothing going on. Football is over. The tournament is a month away. Trees, flowers, grass? All dead. No promise of the New Year shit like January has. No hope of spring and warm days like March and April have. No summer time activities like May through August. September? Weather is still nice, football starts. October? Beauty of fall and all that crap. Baseball playoffs. November? Thanksgiving. December? Days off galore. February? Depression.
February sucks so bad people don't even bother to say it right. It is Feb-ru-ary. But every one says its Feb-u-ary. And why is that? Because Feb-ru-ary is alot harder to say. Who does February think it fucking is trying to be so damned difficult? The only thing worse than February is a Tuesday is February....
Tuesdays
Everyone always bitches about Mondays, but I think they are morons. People have whined about Mondays so long, that you end up spending most of Monday complaining it is Monday. Nothing actually gets done and the day moves quickly. Plus, you have two days of doing nothing to prepare for Mondays. In my heady days being employed, I would spend Monday bitching about it being Monday, comparing weekends with coworkers, and catching up on messages from the weekend. Tuesdays, on the other hand, required work. Real, actual, terrible work. Fucking Tuesdays.
Tuesdays are just there. Stuck in the middle of the week, with no promise to offer. Have you ever heard anyone say "I can't wait for Tuesday!". Of course you haven't, because Tuesdays are fucking awful.
When was the last time a good TV show came on Tuesdays? Look at the shows on the four major networks at 8 PM on Tuesdays. Homeland Security USA? Biggest Loser: Couples? NCIS? American Idol? It is all mindless shit! The networks recognize that Tuesday has broken you down so badly you will watch any garbage they put on the air.
Sports must be on. Well, this time of the year ESPN has college basketball every night. Mondays you get the Big East and Big 12. Wednesdays you get the ACC and Big East. Tuesdays? Tuesdays you get the Big Ten and SEC. The fucking Big Ten and SEC. White kids and football schools. Who is hyped for tonights doubleheader of Ohio St./Purdue and Florida/South Carolina? You were more interested in Uconn/Louisville last night and Duke/Clemson tomorrow?
Fucking Tuesday.
Tuesdays are just there. Stuck in the middle of the week, with no promise to offer. Have you ever heard anyone say "I can't wait for Tuesday!". Of course you haven't, because Tuesdays are fucking awful.
When was the last time a good TV show came on Tuesdays? Look at the shows on the four major networks at 8 PM on Tuesdays. Homeland Security USA? Biggest Loser: Couples? NCIS? American Idol? It is all mindless shit! The networks recognize that Tuesday has broken you down so badly you will watch any garbage they put on the air.
Sports must be on. Well, this time of the year ESPN has college basketball every night. Mondays you get the Big East and Big 12. Wednesdays you get the ACC and Big East. Tuesdays? Tuesdays you get the Big Ten and SEC. The fucking Big Ten and SEC. White kids and football schools. Who is hyped for tonights doubleheader of Ohio St./Purdue and Florida/South Carolina? You were more interested in Uconn/Louisville last night and Duke/Clemson tomorrow?
Fucking Tuesday.
1/12/09
Post Game Live
Post Game Live is the Eagles post game show on Comcast SportsNet. You would think this is something I would enjoy. You would be very wrong.
The four assholes that are on this show absolutely ruin it. They are horrible as individuals, but as a group they are the worst thing on TV since Rosie O'Donnell's variety show.
I have never met anyone who likes Michael Barkann. He is absolutely useless. He is a douchebag of the highest order. He thinks its impressive that he talked to Jimmy Rollins the night before the Eagles played the Giants. I think its impressive that his assface has been on TV for ten fucking years without and original thought.
Ray Didinger apparently is in some sort of Hall of Fame. R Diddy, as Barkann calls him (have I mentioned how much I despise Barkann), is the most negative negadelphian that ever did negate. After the 44-6 win over Dallas, he complained that they didn't run enough. THEY JUST WON BY 38 POINTS YOU GERIATRIC FUCKTARD. After yesterday's win over the Giants, "R Diddy" finally confessed that maybe Andy has figured his team out. Thanks, douche.
Next on the panel is the Governor of Pennsylvania. That isn't a nickname for Ed Rendell, he actually is the Governor of Pennsylvania. He also ran the DNC a few years ago. No wonder the Republicans were in power for so damned long. Rendell is the epitome of the reactionary Philadelphia fan. I think he checks 610 before going on TV to give his "analysis". He is most famous for taking credit for starting the snowball fight during the Eagles/Dallas game in '89.
Rounding out this god awful group is two time Super Bowl champion Vaughn Hebron. Vaughn brings an ex-player's view. I guess he is also supposed to bring street cred with his shoutouts to the tailor of his fucking eyesores of suits and flashy fucking jewelry. Its like CSN couldn't afford Deion Sanders so they got his much, much less talented contemporary. He also refers to the Eagles as "we" while wearing his Broncos Super Bowl ring. Vaughn Hebron should die in a grease fire.
PGL also send Derrick Gunn (D Gunn as Barkann, the Guv, and R Diddy call him. Fucking christ I hate this show) to do interviews with players as they leave the locker room. Gunn is a professed Packer fan, and at times in the past has clearly rooted against the Eagles. Derrick Gunn, in a word, blows. He asks dumb questions and tried to act like he is the player's friend. Hey Derrick: I am pretty sure they hate you.
In all, I feel about PGL like the Mets feel like winning divisions. I try to avoid it at all costs.
The four assholes that are on this show absolutely ruin it. They are horrible as individuals, but as a group they are the worst thing on TV since Rosie O'Donnell's variety show.
I have never met anyone who likes Michael Barkann. He is absolutely useless. He is a douchebag of the highest order. He thinks its impressive that he talked to Jimmy Rollins the night before the Eagles played the Giants. I think its impressive that his assface has been on TV for ten fucking years without and original thought.
Ray Didinger apparently is in some sort of Hall of Fame. R Diddy, as Barkann calls him (have I mentioned how much I despise Barkann), is the most negative negadelphian that ever did negate. After the 44-6 win over Dallas, he complained that they didn't run enough. THEY JUST WON BY 38 POINTS YOU GERIATRIC FUCKTARD. After yesterday's win over the Giants, "R Diddy" finally confessed that maybe Andy has figured his team out. Thanks, douche.
Next on the panel is the Governor of Pennsylvania. That isn't a nickname for Ed Rendell, he actually is the Governor of Pennsylvania. He also ran the DNC a few years ago. No wonder the Republicans were in power for so damned long. Rendell is the epitome of the reactionary Philadelphia fan. I think he checks 610 before going on TV to give his "analysis". He is most famous for taking credit for starting the snowball fight during the Eagles/Dallas game in '89.
Rounding out this god awful group is two time Super Bowl champion Vaughn Hebron. Vaughn brings an ex-player's view. I guess he is also supposed to bring street cred with his shoutouts to the tailor of his fucking eyesores of suits and flashy fucking jewelry. Its like CSN couldn't afford Deion Sanders so they got his much, much less talented contemporary. He also refers to the Eagles as "we" while wearing his Broncos Super Bowl ring. Vaughn Hebron should die in a grease fire.
PGL also send Derrick Gunn (D Gunn as Barkann, the Guv, and R Diddy call him. Fucking christ I hate this show) to do interviews with players as they leave the locker room. Gunn is a professed Packer fan, and at times in the past has clearly rooted against the Eagles. Derrick Gunn, in a word, blows. He asks dumb questions and tried to act like he is the player's friend. Hey Derrick: I am pretty sure they hate you.
In all, I feel about PGL like the Mets feel like winning divisions. I try to avoid it at all costs.
The Meadowlands
The 2008/2009 Magical Playoff Mystery Tour led us to the Meadowlands led in North Jersey. Lovely trash pile you see on the Turnpike a few miles short of the stadium, by the way.
At around 11:30, we were 2 miles from exit 16W. Despite having a parking pass, we missed the opening kickoff. What a fucking shitshow. It took nearly two hours to move two miles, park, and get through security.
After the expected "Fuck you"s and "Fuck the Eagles" walking up to section 309, we were more or left alone despite wearing Eagles jerseys. It wasn't that cold. It was rather damn enjoyable for the most part.
The best exchange of the afternoon came after the game was, for the most part, decided. A Giants fan was passively aggressively complaining about the situation the row behind us, saying things like "Weren't these the people booing McNabb a few weeks ago?" (Apparently he forgot how he felt about Eli and Coughlin midway through last year). As the SuperFan was leaving with 4 minutes left, he kept saying "Go Cardinals". Ignoring my own advice, I retaliated with "Go home". At which point he breaks out...
"I hope you get in an accident on the turnpike and die. I want to read about it in the paper tomorrow."
The whole section was overtaken with an awkward silence. It was fantastic.
Leaving was jubilant, as it was probably 50/50 in terms of fans remaining. We chilled in the parking lot awhile waiting for the crowd to thin out before discovering the car battery died. After asking a few people for a jump, a Giants fan finally helped. We offered him cash for his services, but he declined saying "We're all Americans". Quite the heartwarming story.
At around 11:30, we were 2 miles from exit 16W. Despite having a parking pass, we missed the opening kickoff. What a fucking shitshow. It took nearly two hours to move two miles, park, and get through security.
After the expected "Fuck you"s and "Fuck the Eagles" walking up to section 309, we were more or left alone despite wearing Eagles jerseys. It wasn't that cold. It was rather damn enjoyable for the most part.
The best exchange of the afternoon came after the game was, for the most part, decided. A Giants fan was passively aggressively complaining about the situation the row behind us, saying things like "Weren't these the people booing McNabb a few weeks ago?" (Apparently he forgot how he felt about Eli and Coughlin midway through last year). As the SuperFan was leaving with 4 minutes left, he kept saying "Go Cardinals". Ignoring my own advice, I retaliated with "Go home". At which point he breaks out...
"I hope you get in an accident on the turnpike and die. I want to read about it in the paper tomorrow."
The whole section was overtaken with an awkward silence. It was fantastic.
Leaving was jubilant, as it was probably 50/50 in terms of fans remaining. We chilled in the parking lot awhile waiting for the crowd to thin out before discovering the car battery died. After asking a few people for a jump, a Giants fan finally helped. We offered him cash for his services, but he declined saying "We're all Americans". Quite the heartwarming story.
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